Hi people. I'm still alive. I'm sorry about not updating in like ages. Stupid school gets in the way =(. Along with no inspiration. =(. Sorry for not updating since like… um…. Like August…..Sorry. I don't know how many people are even still reading this due to lack of updates. So um… yea. Review please. =D. (ideas are also always welcomed.) Also if anybody has tips for inspiration then pm me. Yea… Reviews are greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer- I don't own h2o just add water and the songs "breathe no more" and "missing".
Finally the first decent sleep in a long time. Decent as in not being woken up to be beaten in the middle of the night. That doesn't happen every night but recently it has been happened alot. Surprisingly nobody is waiting in the room for me to wake up. I would've thought that Zane would've been waiting for me. I pull my ipod out of my bag of stuff that I brought from the hell whole that I had to call my house. Yes it's still the ipod Zane gave me. I turn it on and listen to the first song that came on. It was evanescence's song called "breathe no more". I have some depressing songs cause my life sucks.
I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
I think this song sorta represents my life. Sometimes I really do worry that I'm gonna die one day because of what happens. Sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is an abused person and sometimes I really think I see soul on the other side. The non-abused side of me. I can't remember the last time I saw the non-abused side of me. It's been happening for so long. I stare in the mirror that is near me while I listen to the song. It's pretty true of my life.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
Most of that is true. I really wish Zane would sometimes lie to me about what's going on. I wish I was mentally sick so I could pretend that none of this is happening. That none of this abuse stuff ever happened. Then when my dad gets better, I should say if he ever gets better, my sickness could be gone and everything could make sense. Of course that's not gonna happen. I've never had a mental sickness. My dad doesn't have one. Just an alcohol addiction that's gone on for way too many years. I don't know how it got started. I've never figured it out.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.
That's gonna happen to me one day. He'll kill me one day. And then I'll just bleed till I take my last breathe. That's a really depressing thought actually. Depressing but completely true. Well now after listening to the depressing song, surprisingly I'm not that depressed. I hear a knock on the door then of course Zane walks in. I knew he wouldn't wait forever to talk to me.
"Feeling better?" he asks me.
"Kinda. I don't feel as bad but I still don't feel that good either." I tell him. I don't lie that often to Zane. Especially since he's been so sweet to me. Not many people would bother to stay with an abused person. He comes over and wraps his arms around me.
"I'm so glad you're feeling better. You worried me when you came in. You looked so innocent and weak." he tells me. I'm so glad that at least someone actually cares about me. I love him so much.
"Thanks Zane. You're the sweetest boyfriend ever" I tell him. He pulls me into a tighter hug and I can't stop smiling with him there. I honestly can't think of a better boyfriend then Zane.
"So what happened last night? You looked pretty bad." he asks me while kissing my hair. I don't know if I wanna talk about it but I guess I'll have to eventually so I might as well just tell him. So I tell him everything that happened. How I almost got out, then I got beaten by the devil aka my dad. After I finish explaining this Zane wraps me in a tighter hug and says
"I'm so so so so sorry Rikki. I should've gone with you. You wouldn't have been beaten so badly if I went with you. I could've protected you". He kisses my hair then my cheek then he turns my head so he can kiss my lips. I don't argue with him kissing me. His lips are so soft and warm. I love it when he kisses me. He's an amazing kisser. After a few minutes he pulls away from me.
"Thanks Zane. But i still would've been beaten the same amount. You would've been beaten with me. So we both would've been in horrible pain. Thanks for caring though. I love you." I tell him. I'm still buried in his tight hug and he keeps saying apologizes to me. It's pretty cute. He eventually left the room and I was left to myself again. I put my earphones in again and started listening to another song. This one was called "Missing" by Evanescence. Yea i have some depressing songs on my ipod. Get over it. I have a depressing life right now.
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
Hopefully that will happen one day. Well something like that. I want him to realize that I'm not gonna live with him till he stops drinking. I'm not going back. Well under my free will I'm not but being forced is a different idea... Well anyways I want him to realize that I'm not there and hopefully he'll realize how much damage he's done to me and my dead mum. I don't care if he's barely conscious or conscious or whatever. I just want him to get better.
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
I don't want to feel unimportant or insignificant. Unfortunately that's what I am to him. He did forget me years and years ago when he started drinking and getting drunk all the time. I miss the old him. He was so nice and kind and loveable. He loved me and my mum. He made sure nobody hurt me. He's the one who used to protect me from not getting hurt from anybody yet he's hurting me. Ironic isn't it? I wish he'd stop hurting me. I'm still afraid of calling the police. I just wish he would get help.
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Nobody should say I haven't tried to get him help. I have and my dead mum tried alot. She tried in the early stages of the alcohol problem. It didn't work. I tried later when I was older and could understand everything fully. That didn't work either. I was beaten so badly I couldn't leave my room for the rest of the day. For the record I tried in the morning and I was in pain till the next morning. Well I should probably go downstairs and explain to everyone what happened. I'm not looking forward to that. I try to get up but it was unsuccessful. I notice Zane open the door and walk in.
"They want to know what happened Rikki. Should I tell them or are you up for it?" he asks. I smile at him and say
"I'm up for it. But I'm having some trouble getting up". I feel my cheeks turn slightly red. It's embarrassing to have to tell your boyfriend that you're having issues getting up. Zane just laughs and picks me up in that weird bridal style type of carrying.
"Now you don't have to worry about that because I'll carry u down." he tells me and kisses my cheek. I let him carry me out of the room and down stairs. "By the way Rikki you don't have to feel embarrassed cause you're in too much pain to get up. even though I think it's cute when u blush." he whispers into my ear before we meet up with the others. My cheeks turn slightly red again but all Zane does is laugh quietly at me and walks into the room with the others. I hate the feeling I get when we walk in. It's like I'm under a microscope and every one's staring at me. I hate it. Zane sets me down on the couch and then decides to sit next to me. I rest my head on his shoulder when Emma of course is the first to ask a question.
"What happened Rikki? Why did you look so bad when you walked in?" Emma asks. But of course to me it feels like she's screaming at me. The others all start asking questions before I could even answer Emma's. I should be thankful for Emma's mum for coming and saying
"Calm down everyone. Give Rikki enough time to answer your questions. Especially the first one Emma asked. How did this happen?". Now instead of asking me a million questions they're just staring at me. I think I liked it better when they were asking questions. It was less awkward and uncomfortable for me. Zane kisses my cheek and whispers into my ear
"Just tell them Rikki. Or I will". I love him so much. Sometimes I wonder why he still stays with me. I whisper into his ear
"Fine. But you better stay with me the entire time". He laughs softly and responds
"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else". He smiles more at me and kisses my hair. They're still staring at me.
"Rikki. Stop stalling and tell us already" Emma tells me very annoyed. I look at Zane and see him smiling at me. Then I start telling them what happened last night. It was pretty much the same story I told Zane. After I finish telling them they all start looking at me sadly.
"Stop staring at me you guys! I feel like I'm under a god damn microscope." I yell at them. The guys seem to snap out of it and tell the girls to stop staring at me. Thank god they stop. It was driving me insane.
"Are you sure you don't want a doctor after what happened last night?" Emma's mum asks me.
"And tell them what? That I've been abused since I was little and I just had a really bad beating and I need someone to look at it. That's not gonna work. I can't go to a doctor unless someone can make a really good lie for what happened." I tell them. It's true though. I'm not gonna just walk in and be like 'hi. my dad's been abusing me and I think I broke some of my ribs last night and possibly some other things. can I see doctor?'. I can't do that. Unless someone wants to make up a really good lie for me I'm not going. I can't even remember the last time I was even in a doctor's office. I must've been like 5 or 6 the last time I can recall going in one. I think I might've been in one after my mum died for a few hours but I can't remember. I can feel Zane starting to laugh but I don't know what he's laughing about. "Why are you laughing Zane?" I ask him. I can't think of a single reason for him to be laughing right now.
"It's not that hard to make up a lie for this. Just say you were in a horrible fight. that'll cover everything and you can just make it up as you go along if they ask any other questions. So it's not that hard. Besides I think Emma's mum has a point. You should really see a doctor Rikki. Can you tell me the last time you actually saw one?" he asks me. Damn you Zane. Why did you have to make it so damn easy for them to get me to a doctor's office. God damn you Zane. I guess I still have to answer his question even though I'm sure everyone will make a big deal about it.
"I was like 5 or 6. I might've seen one for a alittle bit when I was 9 after my mum's death but I'm not completely sure if I did. So other then that I haven't really bothered seeing one." I tell them. Great... Now they're back to staring at me. They all look completely shocked at me.
"How could you not have seen a doctor since you were 5 or 6?" Emma asks still completely shocked about that. I don't find it much of a big deal. It's really quite simple actually. Have an abusive dad that doesn't care about you at all and you never have to see a doctor again. Well for as long as you live with your dad that is.
"Simple. You just live with someone who doesn't give a crap about you." I tell Emma. It seems I've won the argument cause she went silent.
"So you're going to the doctor tomorrow whether you like it or not Rikki. We'll just lie to them about what happened. You don't have to say anything if you don't want. I'll tell them." Zane says and then kisses my hair. I can't help but smile at Zane. I'll find a way to get out of it.
"Zane I'm not going. I don't care what you say. I'm not going." I tell him annoyed. I can't go to the doctors. I slightly lied to them. I've been to the doctor's multiple times since my mum's death. When things got really bad I would sneak out or go after school to the doctor's and get some treatment for my bruises and stuff. I'm afraid one of them will recognize me. They all knew I was abused and were used to abused kids coming in. I still remember the first time I went into one. I was feeling so bad and I was sure I needed medical attention. I walked in and I saw about 10 more kids ranging from my age (I was about 12 at the moment) to when I first started getting abused (which was about when I was 6). A doctor took me in, looked at me, and treated it to the best of his ability. So I'm afraid of going to the doctor's and having one of them recognize me.
"You are going Rikki. You need it. Please Rikki. You don't even have to do anything. I'll do everything and all you have to do is come with me. Please Rikki just go. Please." Zane says in an almost begging way. All the others seem to agree to Zane.
"Rikki I don't care if we all have to drag you out of here. You're going to see a doctor Rikki. We'll all go with you tomorrow and I don't care if you don't wanna go. We're gonna drag you out if you don't come on your free will." Emma says. God they're annoying. Well I guess they're minds are made up. I guess I'm gonna be forced into a doctor's office tomorrow. I hate my life. Alot less then with the devil aka my dad but I still hate it.