Authors notes:
It's 1am, and now i decided it's a great time to continue with the fic... the past 3 weeks I've been listening to the album, sitting in Starbucks making notes on napkins of what i'd do if i was brave enough to write something. And now I decide it's a great time to put fingers to keyboard, it's like being at school and last minute late night homework all over again. I'm still going with the Angst and Kono's POV... by hook or by crook this will be a happy ending though, pretty sure anyway! Thanks again for those who have already had a read, I hate that the chapters are so small, nothing thrills me more when i see 2,000 words at the bottom of a kono/steve fanfic, maybe this will be the one, although at this time of night i seriously doubt it!
Heaven
Kono's POV
Monday comes around to soon, the weekend not surprisingly was bust! I barely moved from the front door in the glimmer of hope he would return.
The key by the door taunted me, the sun shining a spot light on it, seemed a little to far. It was the trigger I needed to stand and hurl it in the fireplace. With a determined look in the mirror above said fireplace and pasted smile I groaned and moved to set balls in motion for what would undoubtedly be a horrendous week/fortnight/month/year/ please god not a decade!
I was still unsure how I was going to cope sharing the same space with him, even knowing what I firmly believed to be true, that he loved me, and was choosing this 'route' in some mistaken belief that I would be safe. None the less, my heart felt like it was wheezing every time I thought about various scenarios that could occur and how I would be able to react with him in them.
It was still early, with enough time to go for a quick surf, I'd not managed to leave the house in 2 days, I allowed myself to accept what I was feeling, but now, now it was time to clear my head and the only medicine I knew was catching one big wave and riding it back to the shore. To know that I was able to succeed at something would give me enough confidence for the the upcoming day.
I try to keep my heart beat
But I can't get it right
I still manage to be a few minutes early, flipping punctuality gene! I take the time to sit in my car and regulate my breathing, calm my nerves, talk to the butterflies in my stomach. Repeat the mantra "I can do this, all will be fine". I step out of the car with the offices in sight and raise my head to sky hoping someone is hearing my pleas today. "9 - 5 Kono, 8 hours, hopefully paperwork filled in your office hiding". Deep breaths as I open the door, Chin and Danny raise their heads from the respective desks and smile, unaware of my inner turmoil right now. I falter as his office comes into sight, not that I have even spotted him! My body seems to be ushering me into the bathroom, the need to settle my breathing and stop the stinging in my eyes deems neccessary.
Something's gone inside me
And I can't get it back
Where did the tears come from? "Crap!" I allow myself time to calm, I knew this day was going to be bad, the others will be better. I refresh my face and exit, heading straight to my office. Keeping my eyes down, no eye contact - good idea.
I look around my office, pictures of us celebrating various cases, awards or just hanging out. I have no recollection putting half of these up or on my desk. They all seem to look at me in a way that leaves me sick to the pit of my stomach, I place the few around the desk in the draw, I realize if i started taking the others down it would just draw attention, I would just have to blank them out or make up a "New Frame" fitting excuse, when it becomes to excrutiating.
Thankfully my paperwork is piled high, and if it is possible I have even more, perhaps He assumed that would be the right thing to do all things considered. Even when things are at there worst he is still trying to think of me, make it as easier as possible.
I've managed to stay in my office all day, Chin saw I was busy and brought me lunch, always stalwart and true.
By the end of the day I begin to count down the minutes before i can leave.. I feel like I'm in school waiting for the bell to go edging of my seat as each passing second comes. The need to return to the waves and forget the day laying heavily on my mind.
I wait with good intentions
But the day always lasts too long
I race out of the office, yell to anyone in the vicinity I'm gone. I jump in my car and drive, breathing in the ocean air for a feeling of calmness to return. Barely remember to put my car into Park before i'm ripping of my top and shorts, grabbing my board and heading out for a marathon surf. I sit on the board gaining a sense of energy from the sea, a feeling of peace comes over me, determined to feel renewed to get on with this chapter of my life the quicker the better. Keeping my cheerful countenance, and my real emotions in check close to my broken heart.
Will you recognize me
Or have I lost another friend?
Will I accept you've left me?
Oh will you give me one more try again?
The sunsets on my last wave, the desire to stay out longer is strong, but I promise to return to my faithful ocean, that seldom lets me down or abandons me tomorrow and the next day and the next day, for I believe I need her more than she needs me right now. The dread of returning to my home is one I've been putting off, and yet still the pang of self loathing I feel when I desperately wish to see Him by the door fills me with hope. He's not, I knew he would'nt but hope is a bright flame that seldom dies.
My appetite is little to non-exsistent I choose to re-arrange my room, I can't sleep in it as it is, too many memories. Burning the bed would be over kill, so shifting it to another corner seems a little less extreme. I plan to re-decorate at the weekend. I need to keep busy afterall, I need to fill me days from now on with new things, new adventures, new hobbies. For now though, tonight I'll try to sleep, I've never realised how much my room smells of Him, even with my windows open and clean bedding the smell of him only comforts me.
Oh Heaven, Oh Heaven
I wait with good intentions
But the day always lasts to long
With sleepless nights comes Morning too soon, I don't have nightmares, just a general feeling of unsettledness, that causes me to toss and turn and then the alarm wakes me to soon. So I do what I do best, what I've done every day this week. I force myself out of bed, down the stairs out the door to the waves. In the hope that the calmness will settle me for the day. Don't get me wrong the days have drawn themselves out, and I'll be glad to see tomorrow, when I won't have to worry about bumping into him or find myself over annalyzing everything he has just said to the team and wether it was a personal message to me. He's managed to keep eye contact to a minimal with me, knowing that he would see the hurt in my eyes and set us both back no doubt. A case we caught Wednesday was delt with swiftly, I was with Chin as usual and driving so Chin was left to field calls from Him most of the time, where possible I took up the background slack in the hopes if everything was available and in plain sight he would not need to ask for anything. In point of fact I was going beyond the call of duty, trying to expect his next move and be prepared. He was cordial, thanking me when the need dictated, the odd quick smile. Thursday he had to stop himself from patting me on the shoulder which was awkward for us both, thankfully my phone came through and thus I made my excuses to go to my sanctuary aka my office where he dared not to enter. Don't get me wrong there were times in the week where I would find myself leaning heavily against the bathroom door, trying to stop the tears from spilling, they had begun to catch me off guard, when I least expected them, something would trigger them and I would have to race to the Bathroom or jump in my car. Who knew 8 hours, 5 days a week would take so much out of me. My love for 4.59pm had never been stronger though.
Then I'm Gone
Then I'm Gone
You say that you're away
I try but always break
Cause the day always last to long
Then I'm Gone
Then I'm Gone