Authors notes:

I.A and time go solo aka so the angst continues, less be honest she had some rough months, bless her!

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Kono's POV

Suspension sucks, trying to keep busy -next to impossible, although I've been practicing enough the past few months. My knee is weak from the extra surfing, but not willing to let that stop me, it's the one thing that brings me to life at the moment.

A week of silence since our gathering, I knew that this is how it had to be, but none the less it's so much harder. Chin has popped round practically every day, knowing the pressure I'm under, the worry and concern that eats away at you in times of doubt. The difference is he was innocent... me - not so much. Thought's fly through my head of what I'm going when my badge is taken, can I really stay here on this island and deal with no Job, dissappointed faces of family, already having delt with the Chin fall out, now I have brought the name into disrepute. I feel sick, nauseous, desperate for comfort for someone to take me in there arms and say it's just been a terrible dream.

You've got the words to change a nation

But your biting your tongue

You've spent a life time stuck in silence

Afraid you'll say something wrong

I stare at the television watching Fryer smuggly say I'm bad and that he has cleaned up the Police department, from another good cop gone bad.

In moments of anger I wish to yell I'm innocent, this is a terrible mistake. I wouldn't be here unless He hadn't of been involved. Chin would never of been in danger, the money would never of been stolen, I would never of lost my badge. That said He wouldn't be here, I wouldn't of spent the most amazing time in 50, I can't blame Him without regretting what I would miss also.

I wanna sing, I wanna shout

I wanna scream till the words dry out

So put it in all the papers

I'm not afraid

Fryer has offered me a break, a promise of my badge back, a threat of harming the rest of 50 if I don't comply. There's no question, screw the badge, but my Ohana, whatever it takes. I've dealt with danger, comes with the job afterall right? It feel's different though this time, no comforting words in my ear, saying "I'm right here, I've got you covered." I never thought I would miss that soo much. I hate who I have become... this character I'm portraying, unsympathetic, uncaring. I hate pushing Chin aware, I know what it feels like to be pushed away, and to do it to him, the one guy in my life I have trusted, loved unconditional, who always rescued me without hesitation. To see his face when I ask him to leave me alone, barely keeps me focused on the plan ahead. Moments of doubt creep in when I have down time, can I pull this off? Am I going to get my family back after this? Will it be worth it in the end? Will He realize I did this for him?

You've got a heart as loud as lightening

So why let your voice be tamed?

My roll I'm playing is to be subserviant, a lacky, the kind that I hate, that grates against everything I believe in. I hate that I can't raise my voice and opinion and getting things sorted sooner, so that I can return home. Fryer wants to take this slow, he's worked to hard on this to mess it up by rushing into it. He needs me to be trusted and with trust we know that takes time. Time. Another word that I hate. I spend my days driving around with the scum of the earth, all believing that there were dealt a harsh hand by Fryer and I.A. They love having me in there group though, the eye candy appeal I guess. I hold my own, their aware arms would be broken if they tried anything.

Each evening I still feel the need to have a hot shower and scrub away the grime. Surfing to clear the cobwebs, to pretend, I'm still on the circuit, anywhere but here right now, alone, forgotton, undesired, unloved, under appreciated. Here in the middle of the Ocean I can let the tears fall freely, no worries of bugs or hidden cameras or wires here. Just me and my fears and my vulnerabilty allowed to appear for a brief moment, before my character has to return.

Baby we're a little different there's no need to be ashamed

You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away

Chin's been following me, I knew he would, I couldn't spot him, but I felt him, I know he's keeping it from the team though, he doesn't want to realize his greatest fears have been released. He'll just keep watching, protecting the best he knows how. Offering help, a shoulder to cry on, a way out, anything for his Cuz.

He's not the only one concerned, regular messages on my machine from Danny, checking up telling me about his day, always ending in the same statement "keep your chin up". It hurts that He hasn't contacted me, I'm sure he believes that this is all his fault and that I don't want any part of him anymore, and thus keeping his distance is his way of giving me time. I'm hoping it's that and not that it is 'out of sight, out of mind' . That's not him I know that.. right? It's been a while since I've been with him, since we were together, when things were good, I'm beginning to forget how things were, how he was. So much going on a struggle to juggle whats reality and whats not.

Even Malia popped by, the women I have spent years hating, her concern for me scares me. Her love for me is there, is unconditional just like Chin. It's hard to be this way, I stuggle to live with myself for who I have become.

A call comes before I break infront of her and confess, my character appears and I leave.

Great! things have taken a turn for the worse I'm driving with a dead guy... this is not how I saw this going down. The lights of Danny's car flashing behind me. What can do I but run.

Yeah we're all wonderful, wonderful people

so when did we get so fearful?

I see His car heading towards me, part of me wants to just hope for the best and keep driving, anything is better than what will happen next, but then a voice in my head says calmly. 'This is good, it's time, you've carried it as far as you could, let them help.'

I break and stop. His eyes are cold and calculated, his gun straight out the holster trained on me. My heart sinks to see his finger flitting between the trigger. Common sense tells me there is a criminal in the car also and maybe it's just a safety precaution and not particularly trained at me. He orders me out of the car. Adreneline, panic and confusion starts to disipate listening to his orders being barked, the young agent grabs my wrists and books me, my replacement seems scared, perhaps that I may suddenly lash out. I want to put her mind at ease, to put them all at ease, but this isn't my job, I can't do anything to ruin this op anymore than I already have.

He places me in the back of his car, tells the others to meet us back at the office. My head stays down, I feel my hands still sticky from blood, my heart pumping 10 to the dozen, my mind working overtime about what is gonna happen. Will he pull over the car, pull me out and kiss me passionately and apologize for all thats happened, that he will do all in his power to get me back to 50 to us once more? Yep I've become dillusional, that's what happens when you've spent too much time on your own recently. He just drives fast and somewhat recklessly while staring at me in the mirror. He's angry I see that when I dare to look up once. Angry, an emotion, that's good right?

Now we're finally finding our voices

I'm not afraid.