She was gone. She vanished for two months straight. Needless to say, I didn't take it so well. Perhaps it was my slow decline back into misery that set off that alarm. I even attempted something of doing my backed-up work, only to half-ass just about everything if I even finished it. I could care less. I don't know why. I just didn't care about anything or anyone. What if everything I've done was just a joke or all for nothing? Not just my time spent with Natalia, but everything?

There were days when I would be walking to class or around town and see something out of place. Like a glimmer of a dream. Yet, I could never be so sure. I prayed it was her. I prayed that she would show up anywhere I was. My room, the piano room, my classes. I didn't care where. I just wanted to confirm that it was real at all. Just to make sure that my own self-worth, my happiness wasn't just a joke my head decided to play on me.

I would still go to those pianos each day. Just like always. I would go and sit there, waiting for something to happen. For someone to appear. I even took the liberty of talking to myself. I suppose in my mind, that would make her come back and tell me how stupid I was being or how I looked crazy for doing such I thing. Maybe I was. But, if she told me that, I would have been fine with it.

"Calculus wasn't so painful today."

"You know, I think it's going to snow soon."

"I head a really cool song on the radio. American music isn't so bad sometimes."

Stuff like that. Sometimes, when I would speak to the empty room, I could create songs that didn't sound so half bad. It was like just pretending she was there listening, or not at all, could give me some sort of ability. Or so I like to believe. It made me feel better. Isn't that all that really mattered though?

I went home one night, my entire body aching in sorrow. I was thirsty but couldn't pull myself to take a drink of alcohol. Frustrated, I tossed the bottle a side and threw myself onto my couch. Fuck beds. It's too far. Too far for my pathetic self to get up and actually get changed like a decent human being. Yet, I was out in less time than it would have taken to be decent.

I dreamed for the first time in those months. In it, I awoke to find myself piloting a rocket ship through space. The stars were in every direction I looked and Earth could be seen just to my right. The moon was like a giant, grey rock just waiting to be visited once more. However, there were so many more things out here begging for their first Earthly visit. I was happy. Excited even. I turned and stared at my home planet, thinking of just how impressive I was. Look what Toris can do! Look where he is! I bet I'm not so good for nothing now! Am I? Didn't think so!

My glee was ended, much to my own child-like dismay. There was a loud band followed by the crashing sounds of glass clattering to the ground. I pushed upright, my back cracking in disapproval. Ignoring it, I snapped my head in all directions. No, it wasn't in here. Outside? I tripped over my table and scrambled my way over to my window, steading myself on the sill.

Staring outside, I noticed how the entire grounds were now covered in snow. Still, there was no glass anywhere to be seen. Maybe it happened downstairs? Before I could turn, I felt my senses jump. Someone else was in here. Burglar? Don't be stupid, Toris. No one wants your belongings or lack thereof. Then, what? Er, whom?

I turned slowly, as if whoever it was had a gun pointed at my back. For all I cared, they could have. No, instead, to my delight, was the very one person I had been dying to see. The very essence, the very hope I had to keep going on. Just to have the chance…

Natalia.

My heart skipped a beat. The amount of joy that overcame me was outrageous. It was her! Sitting on my couch, crossed legged, and so very poised. Her dress was a soft silver. She was like living snow. So beautiful, so very frosty. Even her hair seemed like it was coated in a delicate ice. Just enough to dust her locks and even eyelashes. She held her hair back with a black hair band, accenting her being even more so than it was already. I exhaled for the first time.

"You're…you're here!" I couldn't control myself. "You're still just as beautiful, Natalia." Her expression seemed confused, her eyebrows twitched for a second. "I-I mean…you're back! Where have you been?"

She pulled her hands from her knee, gliding it towards the hem of her dress to remove the crease. "I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly, I don't."

"You were gone!" I slowly walked towards her. "You haven't-!"

"I never went anywhere."

I fell silent. Was she just saying that to make me angry? Did she just want to make me upset while I was happy? Who cares? Before I knew it, I was looming over her. Her head rose to see my face, staring me straight in the eye. Yet, her entire posture never faltered. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to cry into her and tell her how much I missed her. I wanted her to know how much she really meant. But, I couldn't. My hand reached towards her. She remained perfectly still. I managed to ignore my aching heart and instead touched her hair. It was soft and smooth. Just like I believed it to be. It was even slightly cold like I had thought it would be.

"Where were you when I needed you?" I let slip out of my lips. Her hair still gliding between my fingers.

"I've never left."

"You did."

"No. You're very wrong." Her eyes seemed to defrost. "I was there for you when you needed me."

I swallowed back bitterness. "How…so?" I felt like sobbing. Instead I released her hair and threw myself on the couch next to her. She turned, even changing her position to see me better. "I suck."

"No, you don't. You actually managed to get work done."

"Half-assed."

"But still completed."

I glared at her without wanting to. "So? What does that mean? What does any of it mean?"

Come on then. Let's waste some time. You know, just thinking all about dreams. Now, let's waste some more time. On each other.

"You're still here, right?" I nodded, clasping my hands over my eyes. "And you're still passing. Miraculously, but you are." I relaxed slightly. "You're getting better. But you're still waiting on that…something." I felt her move. "What are you…?" My hands dropped and I stared at her. I'm empty. I'm broken.

"I'm tired." And I'm so very much in pain. Out of both misery and joy.

She pursed her lips. And yet, she let conversation drop. "I know." She ran a hand through my hair.

She stayed with me. She sat at one side of the couch while I slept, curled up on the other. I didn't dream again that night. Probably, because my dream had already happened.

Classes were canceled the next morning. Too much snow for anyone to even get out of any building. Props to you, snow plows! Actually, I didn't mind the snow. Reminded me of home a bit. Whatever it is I would like to call home, anyway. Lithuania? Kaunas? Something or other. Leaning against the window, I felt pretty charmed watching it fall down in a barricade attack on the earth. Sort of like a sick enjoyment for the barrage. Even still, I was grateful for a day or more off. Even if I wasn't going to get to go play my precious piano. Natalia had disappeared again for the past hour or so.

I guess we just didn't have much room here to live for too long. There's just not enough room in this world for any of us, is there? Sometimes, I wonder if anyone else could cause you more headaches than me. It's an interesting thought. After all, you're the girl who got into my head. With all those wonderful things she did. The one who keeps me up at night thinking. So, maybe I got into yours. With all the fucked up things I've ever done in my life. In your presence and out just for kicks. But, I need to start digging out those weeds from my thinking. Polluted thinking, right? The kind that gets your hopes up just a little too high for this world? Is that what it's called?

It wasn't long before I decided I was going to go out in that godforsaken snow storm. For the hell of it and because I could. Not that it was a smart thing, but who cares? Oh yeah, not me. Maybe this was some messed up way of giving up? Almost sliding through the building to outside, that is. Maybe this was a crude way of saying "fuck everything" to the world? I kicked my way outside. It was frigid and completely terrible. I found it exciting.

I can't remember how long I was there. All I seem to recall was the sliding of realities before my eyes. What was real and what was sleep was a blur. I must have fallen into the snow. Out of spite or freezing to death is a mystery. I can't tell you that answer. My world was a mess. Nothing was real and nothing was false. I can't even describe the feeling. I wanted it to stop though. Just for that moment. At least, I was happy in death and not pitifully miserable. At least. Yeah, at least I had that. However, that was ended as I was pulled from unconsciousness by the lady herself. I couldn't speak, just lying in her lap and upon her skirts. I smiled.

"You're stupid. Coming out here in this…" I grinned and she continued, "It's much too cold to be taking a nap, you know. Besides, you slept the whole night. You shouldn't be that tired." She herself was much warmer than the climate, but her fingers still remained like ice. "I don't understand why you're so willing to let it all burn, well, freeze away. To die is something else…."

Lying here, like dying in your arms, Natalia. I couldn't ask for anything better.

"Y-you're st-still so… beauti-tiful," I managed through a frozen body.

"I'm old." She pulled her hair back. "I'm so very old."

She looked dejected. Almost like her very being was just snapped into many parts. Her fingers combed through my snow-encrusted hair. I wanted to know what she was feeling, why she looked at me with such a heart broken stare.

"I-I don't…"

"It's okay. You don't need to understand. Toris, my life is complicated. I know, all lives are. Nothing in life ever comes easy. At least, not what's worth more than anything you could ever have." I know, my dear. Just like how just because you love something very much, it doesn't mean it was ever meant to be yours. "I still sometimes question my own existence myself. I can never be one-hundred percent sure. You, though. You're real and you have so much purpose. Don't waste it."

Before I could force a response from my trembling self, she leaned over me. A hand covered my eyes and I felt at peace. Relaxed and at peace. Although, I still managed to feel that soft brush on my forehead. A "good bye" or a "pleasant dreams". Something like that.

I awoke. Neither in the snow nor in Natalia's arms. Simply, on my couch in the late afternoon. This time, there was no way that was a dream. Unless I had some sort of messed up inception, I didn't dream about almost dying in the cold. I dreamed about fields of gold and a warm breeze on my face.

Even if it was never real, even if your eternal youth made me weary, I still held onto the feeling that I shouldn't have had such suspicions. I'd gladly die here, there. If that is what you wished. But perhaps, it's just because I hardly cared for my life at all. Still, you told me I should care. Why though? Why was it that I was important? I was fine with that, you know. In the snow, with Natalia, the girl who I loved but never knew.

Hey everyone! Happy New Year! Sorry for being so late... been very busy and sick. D:

In any case, here it is! :)