I'm alive and awake. Awake, but still stuck thinking about a dream. A dream that tells me that my life is more precious than I choose to believe. If that dream was reality, should I continue to follow it? Should I still pursue it until I finally find out what happens to all those forgotten ambitions and hopes that children let go of like helium balloons? Are they all different colors? Are they all unique for each child? I would love to know. Above all, I would love to know if she is with them. What if she is simply walking the earth, not floating away, not disappearing into nirvana? Still, the particular thought weighs on me.

I am alive. Strange, to think that I was never conscious of it before. That or I really just ignored it in favor of a false, still breathing death. I put it to the side in place of a beautiful girl, a piano as a savior, and a multitude of miracles and fantasy. Now that I think about it, I'm glad I did that. I am very glad that I pushed reality away, just for some time. Come to think of it, I was more alive in a pretend death. Before then, I believed that life and death were two very separate entities. Life is there and I'm over here. Time is what would guide my life over to that other place.

Yet, time was irrelevant for her. Feelings were along that path too. So then, why can I see my own footprints in the sand of that road right next to hers? I hope she asks the same questions. Then, in that, we can be even.

The wind was extensively harsh the next night. It bashed against my face, almost as if it was trying its very best to tear it apart. I breathed in the air around me. For a few moments, I felt like there was no ground beneath me. There was no snow crunching under my boots, and certainly no campus street lamps telling me that night was crashing down on my shoulders. I closed my eyes. Let the feeling take over, Toris. It's not so bad just being, is it?

I felt her presence. That off, unreal feeling that made the snow fall just a little slower against my face was around me. Maybe it was my love, maybe it was my curiosity to discover if she was more than an illusion, but I smiled and exhaled. My eyes opening to see her standing beside me, silver dress and blue hair bow. Stature ever so proud, she let the snow glide around her and I.

"Good evening," she said, breath ghosting through the air.

"Welcome back into my life," I said, smile still plastered across my face.

She bowed her head in a silent nod. Simply standing there, I let the time pass. I let any walls break down between us again. After all, my dear, I couldn't stand not knowing. So, I turned to her, pushing dampened hair off of my frozen cheeks. So much for that haircut.

"Can I ask you something?"

She adjusted her glove. "Of course."

"You said that life is too long for some people. Do you ever, you know, get scared of what happens next?"

I only asked because I wasn't so sure of what I really felt. I could stand death only if my heart was still beating, my pulse still ticking away. What about when they stop for good? I swallowed. My heart was beginning to ache just a little too much to handle. So, I let my eyes fall down to the snow. It glistened and shown silver. Did you do that, Natalia? Did your very presence make even the purest things more beautiful?

"What do you mean?" Her words came out softly, delicately.

"Like oblivion. Does it ever just make you afraid to think about what or where we end up in the next stage? Whatever happens after death." I waited, raising my head.

Finally, she took a breath, "I don't fear oblivion as much as I despise eternity." She turned to me, her eyes calculating as if I could already tell what she was going to say. "For me, it's much harder to imagine oblivion or the end without longing for it. A never ending life in which time is merely something to notice every once in a while is a fate much worse." I still hardly understand her. I don't think I ever will grasp what she means or what she is. Still, I listened. "I hate eternal life. There really is no reason for it at all."

Desperation kills, my dear. But when it's on your sleeve, gracing your being, you wear it so well. It's as if it barely even passes your subconscious. Even still, I believe that underneath it all you'll always have this war inside yourself. A war to decide whether or not it was worth it to let your heart be exposed. Will you run away? Or will you fall to pieces when you realize what's happened? Did you finally see yourself for what you are? A woman, a vision, searching for the young boy who could see her among a crowd of nobodies. A proof that existence not a fleeting concept. It really was you back then, wasn't it?

I still don't understand how it's possible, nor do I really give a damn. But what I do know is that you're the most important person in both of our lives. So, fill your life with promises about always coming back and being there. All of those promises that you'll never have to keep because you could vanish away if you so truly desired. Yet, I hope, that someday you will wish you really had kept just one of them for me. Just one.

"Should I be afraid?" I was being so honest.

"No," she gave her head a delicate shake. "You'll be just fine."

I began to ache again. How could she know? How would she ever know? So, the air finally started crushing my bones, and my face started to feel tight with cold. I had to know. As much as I wanted to merely close my eyes and let this continue to sing. I just wanted to continue to hide.

"Should I give up on this dream?" my voice asked without permission from either my brain or heart. It sounded shaky, unsure.

Her eyes searched around us, catching on small lights that seemed oh so familiar. When they circled back around to mine, her blue eyes glistened.

"I haven't given up on you yet if that's what you're asking." My teeth unclenched, allowing my jaw to hang open. "Though my previous statement stands very clear: I truly hope you never find that girl you're looking for."

I laughed letting my head hang. Everything hurt. Oh, my body felt like it had snapped into a thousand pieces. My dear Natalia, you obviously did not take into account that when I fell for you, I fell hard.

"But," her voice sounded like the only sound in the universe. "That doesn't mean I can't have some sort of faith in you."

I don't know if you laugh at love, Natalia, but it will make you cry; one way or another.

She said that I didn't have to understand. She said that it was okay for me to simply not know. Yet, I don't like it, even though deep down I really do get that it is what it is. Still, maybe t's okay for a little polluted thinking. Maybe it's okay to build things on feathers with the knowledge it will never last.

For the first time in months, I thought of Lithuania. Not in the same way I had- that place I was from0 but in actual remembrance of my childhood. I don't think I'll ever really miss it, but I can pretend, right?

I can pretend that my life is made out of stars and feathers and snow. I can pretend I care about where I come from. Yet, there's still that lingering thing. That small bit of something saying "wait for me". But, I think that I have to move on whether it catches up or not. So, believe in me, because I'll make it. Trust me, I'll get there in the end.

I love this dream to the point it hurts. I know it. I am completely aware of it. My fingers grew numb, my ears were stinging.

"So, is this the part where I give up?" I asked.

She shook her head. "This is the part where you start trying. "It's time now, Toris." She showed it then, sadness for the first time. The kind of sadness that pulls at you and makes you flawlessly beautiful in the most human way possible. The usual strain she had now seemed so much more relaxed. It was my turn now, to stare at her. To stare and wonder what else I could have done.

I pursed my lips before mouthing a "What?".

Her hand came to my face, shaking and heavy. She exhaled just the same way and whispered, "It's time to stop waiting. It's time to start living."

The wind wasn't burning anymore. The snow had stopped feeling so cold. I guess by that point in time I sort of already knew what she had said. So, tell me something, when you're flying for the first time, soaring without holding onto anything, what falls first? Is it you and your body? Or is it your heart that falters before crashing? Either way, it's not so bad now. Falling, that is. It's not so painful anymore. I understand that now, Natalia. You know that? I get it now. I think I nodded.

"One last time, Natalia," I breathed. It felt so much lighter, so much cleaner now.

"What? Watching the stars fall? Waking up somewhere else?" I nodded again. She smiled and let her head drop. "You can spend an eternity, the rest of your life with me, you know."

I nodded once more, "I know. I planned on it."

She let out a forced laugh. It was like she was trying to force herself to feel. Her head rose, shaking. "But, I can't spend the rest of mine with you."

Her hand left.

"I've already taken too much from you…."

"I don't care," I shrugged and smiled. "I give a damn anymore."

"Yes you do. You just don't realize it. Do what's better for yourself not what's going to ruin you."

She placed her hand over my mouth and all I could do is stare. I stared in awe as she kissed her own knuckles that were the only shield from my lips. My heart split. Beautiful girl, you know how to hurt me. When she pulled back she stared at my eyes one last time, remembering for all I know. With shaking fingers, her cold fingers closed over my eyes.

"I love you, Natalia," I whispered. Because I knew I would never have another chance to say it.

"Yes, I know." My head started to feel clouded. "Thank you." And I was gone.

I awoke on my couch. Bolting upward, I felt cold and heavy. Still, she was gone too.

To be haunted by something or someone that may or may not have ever existed. It's something that I have yet to wrap my mind around. However, I suppose it shouldn't matter whether she was real or not, should it? What if she, this so-called insanity, was just my mind trying to save itself? In any case, I guess that the overall result was a little brighter than most would have hoped for. Sometimes, I still think I see a flicker of long, blonde hair that simply never seems right or out of place with everything else. These bland surroundings. Natalia, you were really more than you believed. But when I turn to see, it's gone. The color of my world returns and pushes out that glimmer of something more spectacular. Did you know I miss you?

So, maybe there's something in a burst of cold on my forehead or the soft whisper I may imagine saying, "I'm real" that I seem to experience on some nights. But, who's to say it is or it isn't? I could build a rocket or not. Perhaps, that's something to consider for a degree…. I'll figure it out.

Never before had I thought of a person to be life's gift to me. There was never a moment before she stepped into my life when I truly believed someone I could love so much would tear everything I had originally believed in life to shreds and then rebuild it in a completely different way. When she vanished for good, it was like having a heavy package dropped on my shoulders. Something of the like that was filled up with sorrow. It took me so long before I realized that this too was a gift.

Hello, everyone! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! It really was a challenge... Anyway: sorry for taking so long! There was plenty a rewrite on this, but ah well.
Thanks again!