Special thanks to the one who makes every chapter the best it can be, BluEydMnstr. I couldn't do it without you!
Chapter Nine:
Little More Than A Shadow
He's leaving.
It's been two days since I heard those words-I saw him admit his intentions with my own eyes!-but...I can't believe it. It's not that I don't want to, although it'd be true. I wish it were as simple as denial. I could deal with that, I think. But this...
I really cannot believe he's leaving me.
Everything I've done since then has been like existing inside an impenetrable fog. And it's not just this one thing which seems so unreal. It's...everything. Every thing around me, every person I encounter, every aspect of my life now...it's all part of some kind of dream I can't wake up from.
No, not a dream. A lie, that's what it is. Just one big, fucking lie.
There's only one thing keeping me even remotely sane: Pan. It's frightening, how insightful my ten-year-old daughter is; she must get it from her grandpa, because it definitely doesn't come from her father or me. She's the one who's kept me from giving in completely to this hopelessness. She needs me, and I refuse to sink so deep into self-pity that I'm incapable of taking care of her.
She doesn't know her grandfather's going anywhere. Then again, I'm not supposed to know either, and as cowardly as it is, I haven't led anyone to believe any different. It's scary how well I've learned to go through the motions of my duties as the good little housewife. Gohan has no idea of what I've been thinking or feeling, or if he does, he's not willing to acknowledge it.
But Pan...oh yeah, Pan knows something's wrong. She may not know the specifics, but she knows things aren't the way they used to be, or the way they should be.
This is the second night she's come downstairs after Gohan's already gone to bed while I busy myself with whatever I can find to stay occupied, and curled up in my lap on the couch. I know he wouldn't be happy about it since it's always well after her bedtime when she does it, but I don't have the heart to send her away. Especially not now, when so much has changed so fast.
So here we are, lying on the sofa together. I know she wants to say something-I can almost see the gears turning in her head-and even though I have no clue how I'll respond when she does start talking, I want to know what she'll say...what she's thinking. Then again, maybe I don't. With everything that's happened over the past months, it's not my husband or my mother-in-law I've wronged the most. It's Pan.
How will I explain what's happening to our family? I don't even have a grip on it myself.
"Mama? Can I ask you something?"
Oh gods, I don't know if I can do this... "Of course, baby. What is it?" I can't believe I sounded so calm...so normal, but I guess I should count my blessings.
She shifts in the crook of my arm so her face isn't buried in the fabric of my robe, although she seems content to keep her head against my shoulder rather than looking at me, for which I'm eternally thankful. God knows my face would probably give away what my voice didn't.
And there it is again-that pause, telling me she's unsure of how to continue. But, as is always the case with Pan, she seems to come to some sort of decision on how to proceed, and she tenses slightly.
"Are you mad at me?"
What? Am I...mad...at... It feels like a thousand little needles are attacking my lungs as I take a sharp breath. "No!" I answer forcefully-moreso than I'd intended, because she jumps slightly. "No," I repeat, more gently this time. "Why would you think that?"
"It's just..." She sounds so small right now, so unlike the confident young woman she's becoming. "You...you and Papa both...you stopped talking, and you don't smile anymore. You always used to smile all the time. Did...did I do something wrong, Mama?"
I can't breathe...
"No, baby," I manage to croak out, and my arms tighten instinctively around her as I clench my jaw and fight back a sudden flood of tears gathering in my eyes and throat. "You...oh Pan-chan, you haven't done anything wrong," I assure her vehemently.
"Really?"
"Really," I reply into her hair. "You've done nothing but make me proud, baby. You mean more to me than anything in this world, and" -how do I say this?- "no matter what happens, I want you to remember how much I love you. Nothing will ever change that. Promise me won't ever forget it, okay?"
She nods against my shoulder. "There's something really wrong though, isn't there...something big. Something you're scared to tell me about."
It's a statement, not a question, and I wince at her flat, matter-of-fact tone. Is it really that obvious, that I'm so close to falling apart? Damn it, she should never have to be in a position like this! What's wrong with me? How could I fail her like this...especially now!
"It...it's complicated," I begin, forcing my own voice to remain calm.
She sits up and finally looks me in the eye, her own gaze steady and showing determination well beyond her ten years. "You can tell me, Mama! I'm not a kid anymore! I promise, whatever it is...I can handle it! I want to help you, Mama, just like you and Papa and Grandpa are always doing for me!"
Despite the panic welling in my chest and the tears forming in my eyes, I can't help but smile. She really has no idea how proud she makes me...how much I admire her spirit and fearlessness. I don't ever want anything to hinder those qualities.
"I'll tell you what you can do for me," I whisper, cupping her cheek. "Just keeping being yourself, Pan. That's all I want."
"Your mom's right, you know."
We both jump, and Pan spins around. "Papa!"
I don't know how long he's been standing there or what he heard, and I curse myself silently for not paying attention. Then he walks toward us, throwing me an unreadable glance before turning a gentler look on Pan. "Sorry, Pan-chan, I didn't mean to startle you." Once he reaches the couch, he crouches down in front of her. "Don't worry yourself anymore. I know things have been strange lately, between moving and everything, but it's alright now. Pretty soon, everything's gonna be back to the way it was."
I clench my jaw shut and close my eyes. If he really believes that, he's living in a dreamworld, and the idea of him trying to drag Pan into it really, really pisses me off.
Then again, there's little I can do right now, except sit here as he gives her a hug and sends her back to bed. She stops halfway, turns, and runs back, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning so her mouth is next to my ear.
"I know it's not true," she whispers, making my breath catch in my throat, but before I can recover from the shock at such an incredible display of intuitiveness, she pulls away. "I love you, Mama, and I promise to do what you said."
Absolutely amazing...she's so much stronger than I could ever be.
"Goodnight, baby," I call after her as she traipses around the corner and goes into her room down the hall.
As soon as I hear her door close, Gohan sighs and sits down on the other end of the couch. He turns to me, rubbing the bridge of his nose, which means he just took off his glasses before coming down here...and that means he's been awake this whole time when I assumed he was asleep.
"We should go to bed too."
There he goes, trying to act as though nothing's wrong. Rather than calling him on it, I get up instead. "I need to fold the laundry," I reply. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted, but I haven't been sleeping well, and I really don't have the energy to get into all that with him right now. Luckily, I happen to know there's a load of clothes in the dryer, so taking care of that's as good an excuse as any.
Apparently he doesn't get it, because he follows me through the closet-size kitchen and props himself against the wall next to the little area where the washer and dryer sit.
"You should've told me," he states softly.
I keep my back to him and continue piling the clothes into the laundry basket. "Told you what, exactly?"
"About Pan," he explains. "We should be working together to help her through this..."
Oh, really? Working together, huh? Just like when we decided to move out of the house she spent her whole life in, or when we chose to keep Goku's departure a secret so she won't even get the chance to say goodbye?
On second thought, I think I'm in the mood to have a little chat after all.
"And how do we do that, Gohan?" I turn around and lean against the washer, folding my arms tightly over my chest. "I think we better figure that out first."
He stiffens and frowns. "I don't understand what you-"
"Do you want me to pretend everything's okay so she won't suspect something's wrong? Or am I supposed to keep my mouth shut again, and let you do whatever you want, even if it'll hurt her even more in the end? Is that what you want from me, to go along with the bullshit you just fed her?"
"I meant what I said," he replies vehemently, taking a step forward and resting his hand on my arm. "Everything's going to be okay, Videl. We've started over, haven't we?"
"You've got to be kidding," I whisper more to myself than to him, though he jerks slightly in response. "You call this starting over? Just because we don't live next door to him anymore? Not that it'll matter after tomorrow...will it?"
Oh yeah, that got his attention. I see a series of emotions pass over his features, one more prominent than the rest: suspicious anger.
"Yes, I know Goku's planning to go into space," I continue, "and no, I didn't find out from him."
He relaxes, but only a little. "If that's the case, then you should understand why Pan will need us even more now."
"I know she'll need somebody," I seethe, "but it won't be us. Not after lying to her like this."
It looks like I struck a nerve. "For the last time, I haven't lied to her like y-" His eyes widen slightly, and he takes a deep breath. "I...what I mean is..."
Liar. "Oh, I know what you meant, and you're right. I'm just as guilty as you are. The only difference is I'm willing to admit it, while you're still trying to make yourself believe you can ignore what happened and it'll just go away."
"That's just it. I'm not ignoring anything; I'm trying! I'm trying to help us get back to where we were before...before all this." His hand moves from my shoulder to my cheek, and his eyes meet mine in a silent plea. "Isn't that what you want?"
"You really don't understand, do you?" He jerks back, his face showing his confusion. "Even now...after everything that's happened..."
He honestly doesn't realize, does he? How could I ever want things to be the way they were before? Is that why I've felt like he's ignoring what's happened? Because this is the way he wants it to be?
When I really think about it, things aren't much different now from how they were before. We're back to living two separate lives under the same roof, with as little contact as possible in our new, closer quarters. The only change is, rather than crying myself to sleep, wishing Gohan would pay attention to me, I catch myself daydreaming about what would happen if I tossed all reason aside and went to Goku.
But that's all it is: a dream.
I've always liked to tell myself I had guts, but not this time. It's not just Gohan either-he's the least of my concerns. No, if I told Goku I wanted to leave Gohan to be with him, how would it make him feel? He loves his son...he could never hurt him more than we already have. I could never put him in such a position...not when I've already seen how much he's suffering now.
And what about Chichi? I know she doesn't qualify for wife of the year, but I'm sure she loves Goku in her own way. How would she handle it if she knew her husband had an affair with her own daughter-in-law? I know we've all joked about her never getting sick because she's too stubborn to let anything stop her from cooking, cleaning, and chasing people with her pan, but if anything could give her a heart attack, that'd probably be it.
Then there's Pan. She loves them both so much...if I were to leave one for the other, it wouldn't just confuse her, it'd tear her apart. And...she would probably end up hating me, maybe even more than I already despise myself.
Out of all the possibilities, that's the most frightening prospect of all.
The only thing being accomplished with this conversation is confusion for Gohan and utter hopelessness for me. Nothing's ever going to change between us; I might as well accept it.
"Forget it," I say, pushing the laundry basket into the corner before walking past him. "I'm going to bed."
I don't have to look to know he's only a few steps behind me as I enter our bedroom. Without even bothering to undress, I get into bed and turn off the lamp next to my side of the bed, the only light left in the room coming from the matching one on his side. With my face toward the wall, I hear the door close with a soft 'click', and I feel the bed sink slightly under his weight a moment later. Even with my eyes closed, I can tell the difference once he turns off the last of the light.
Then I feel him shuffle closer, and I stiffen as an arm wraps around my waist, pulling my back against him.
"Videl...I'm sorry. I guess...I haven't been handling this very well, have I?" He presses himself against me in a sort of backwards hug, and I feel his breath on the back of my neck. "But I meant what I said. I love you, and I want us to be happy again. That's all that matters to me right now, but I can't do that unless you tell me what you want me to do. Please...whatever it is, I'll do it. All you have to do is tell me."
You know, it wasn't too long ago when hearing this would've made me happier than I'd been in years, but now...
It's not that I doubt his sincerity; I don't. There's no doubt in my mind, at this moment at least, he wholeheartedly wants to try to make our marriage work. The question is, how long will it last this time? A day? A week? How long will it take him to get comfortable with us again, to get lulled back into apathy? The longer this goes on, the more I believe he can't really help it. It's the way he is. Even when he was running around as Saiyaman, he was a protector, not a fighter. He's never been a warrior at heart, not for as long as I've known him. The only time he's ever serious in battle is when his back's against the wall, leaving him absolutely no other choice but to fight with his all or lose everything. And even then, he does it reluctantly.
Even though he doesn't realize it, that's exactly what he's doing now...what he's always done.
He doesn't understand there are different kinds of battles: career, marriage, parenthood...and all of them require nothing less than one hundred percent all the time to avoid failure. Of course, when it comes to working and raising children, it's possible, though not preferable, to be successful on your own.
I guess that's why they say love is the ultimate battlefield. Without both people giving it all they've got, sure, you may survive, but it's impossible to actually win, and eventually, you wonder what you're fighting for in the first place.
It's a pipe dream, to expect him to act any other way. It's as I feared: it's not something he does, but part of who he is.
Then there's me. I can't ignore the fact that, though he'll always be the same, I've changed more than he could possibly fathom. The woman he married, the girl who believed she could face any challenge and overcome it, the one who was so sure of what she wanted...she's gone now. All that's left is a shell of my former self, little more than the shadow I make on the wall.
Is there any chance for us at all? Is there any way for him to keep his promise to Pan, and to me? He said all I have to do is tell him what I want, but how do I do that? The things I need now-confidence...trust...hope-are the few things he's unable to give me. But there is one thing he can do...
"Let Pan stay home from school tomorrow. You have to tell her...so she can say goodbye to her grandfather."
He tenses, but only for a moment. Then he nods against my shoulder. "If that's what you want, I'll talk to Pan first thing in the morning."
Yes, that's what I want. At this point, it's all I think I can do.
.
Everything's ready.
Thanks to Bulma's management skills along with Chi's need to stay busy when she's this pissed off, I'm all set to go.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
On the one hand, I'm sure this is what's best for all of us. I mean, I'm in love with my son's wife, and I've come to terms with the fact that, as long as I'm here, I won't be able to stay away from her. I know it's selfish and stupid and just plain wrong-in more ways than one!-but that's how it is. I can't change it, and God knows I've tried. So to ensure I don't do more damage to my family than I already have, I'm taking myself out of the picture. Who knows? Maybe with enough time and a decade or two of training every waking hour until I'm half dead, I'll be able to forget how empty I am without her in my life...
You'd think for all the times I've repeated those words in my head, they wouldn't still reek of total bullshit.
I don't know if it's because I'm about to leave her or if it's because of my talk with Vegeta, but over the past two days, I've become acutely aware of the bond with Videl. It's weird, because I didn't really notice it before. Well, that's not exactly true...I knew it was there in the back of my mind, but I was able to ignore it a lot easier than I can now.
Before, her emotions lingered around the edges of my consciousness like whispers and shadows, so it was easy to overlook them, or even mistake the stronger ones like extreme longing or despair as a portion of my own. Unfortunately, that's no longer the way it is.
Now, every single one of her thoughts...every feeling, good or bad, tears through me like a knife. Her presence is always with me, calling out to my soul like a homing beacon, so I can't fool myself anymore into believing she'll be able to find happiness again anytime soon. What's worse, I've sensed her growing doubt in the fact she'll be able to work things out between her and Gohan at all. She's in agony over what she should do and what she wishes she had the courage to do; every time she thinks about what this could mean to Pan, it's like her heart shatters all over again.
If it weren't for one image I see every time I close my eyes-my son's face when he found out about me and Videl-I'd have called this whole damned thing off.
As it stands now, this is the only way I can make up for everything I've done to them. If I stay, there's no chance for anything to go back to normal. I've accepted that now, even though it hurts like hell to admit it. It kills me to know I'm leaving Videl to deal with everything alone, especially since I know now just how much she wants me to stay.
That's why I never wanted her to know in the first place. If it weren't for the bond between us, I'd still be assuming she was in the dark about my plan to leave the planet.
There's nothing I can do about that now. She was going to find out one way or another anyway, though I'd have rather told her myself than have her overhear our conversation over a security camera. Then again, this may work out okay, even if it is cowardly. I'm not sure if I could've handled seeing her cry. I was able to sense her sorrow acutely at the time, but it's still different than watching the tears fall right in front of you...especially when you know you're the one who caused them.
And I'm moping again. Damn it, no wonder my friends are starting to get suspicious!
It's a lot tougher than I thought, doing the 'right thing'. Sure, I've had to make some difficult choices in my life, but this definitely takes the cake. I wonder if it's so hard this time because I don't have my usual confidence in the final result.
I mean, I've always lived by the ideas that things work themselves out in the end, whatever's gonna happen will happen...stuff like that. I've gone into battle lots of times, knowing the entire world's fate rested with only a small group of us-most of them expecting me to be the one who'd save the day-and not blink an eye. But how many times did Chi go on and on about how I cared more about the planet and the welfare of strangers than my own family? I never knew how right she was until this happened.
Now look at me. Just the thought of ever facing off with Gohan again has drained every ounce of hope and resolve I had and sent me running like a dog with its tail between its legs. Yeah, some hero I turned out to be. Not only did I not take care of my family, I nearly destroyed it, and everyday I'm here is one more day they suffer.
That's how I know it's time for me to leave again.
I wish there was a way I could make Videl understand; the war raging in her heart is almost crippling...to her and me. She doesn't want me to go, I know that. It's not just because she'll miss me either. She hates how disappointed Pan will inevitably be, and she's afraid of the questions she'll be asked. Even though she's not overly fond of my wife, she's worried about how my newest absence will affect Chi, considering she's not as young as she used to be. Videl's also adamant that Gohan will miss me, even under these circumstances. I don't know if it's true or not, but I can't help hoping she's right. If that happens, then maybe, someday, there's a chance he'll forgive me for what's happened.
I hope so, anyway, but maybe that's just the undying optimist in me talking. Hell if I know.
Still, my mind's a lot clearer now than it's been in a long time. Whether it's because I've been camping out in the ship here at Capsule Corporation for the past couple days, away from Chichi's temper tantrums and pot-swinging, or if it's because the time to launch is so close at hand, I really can't say for sure. Maybe neither, maybe a little of both.
Either way, I've had a lot of time to think things over, going over the past months in my head over and over again, trying to get some kind of grip on this whole situation and my own feelings. It's weird too, because I keep coming back to the same thing which I've decided pretty much sums it all up. When it comes down to it, my mind always gets stuck on the night of the Capsule Corps. party, when Videl came to talk to me in this very spaceship...when she told me, despite the guilt and fear she felt, she didn't regret making love to me.
Good or bad, that's how it is for me, even now. I have lots of regrets, don't get me wrong, but I can't help being grateful at the same time. If it weren't for Videl, I'd have never learned what being in love with someone really meant; I'd still be putting on the face of the idiot and hiding my true feelings; most of all, I'd never have realized just because I'd managed to keep myself from getting killed all this time, it didn't actually mean I was alive. And in the end, she gave me greatest gift of all, the one thing I've wanted more than anything since finding out I was born a Saiyajin warrior.
For those few months she and I were together, I actually felt like a normal man...a common, human man.
No matter how painful it is to lose her now or how much I hate what I've done to Gohan, if I'm really honest with myself, I know without a doubt I wouldn't change anything.
That admission comes with its own set of problems, but I'm trying not to think about those. Actually, I've been wishing I could go back to the days when I didn't think much at all about anything except what was right in front of me. It was a lot easier when I could shrug everything off like when I was a kid.
It's not working too well though. I guess sometimes you really can't go back, but it's only fair. I mean, it's not like Videl even has a choice in her situation. She can't run away. She can't even take some time to herself to think things through. Between trying to keep things running smoothly for Pan's sake and working with Gohan to salvage their marriage, she has to face things head-on. She's doing it too, even though it's killing her inside.
Of course, that's just how she is; it's one of the things I love most about her.
As for Gohan, his spirit is as distant from me now as Videl's is close. I want to talk to him before I leave, although I have no clue what I'd say if I had the chance. Not that it matters. Every time I attempt to contact him mentally, it's like a brick wall goes up in his mind. I'm not even sure if he knows he's doing it either. It may be more of a subconscious thing than a deliberate act, because for the few seconds I do have before he shields his thoughts, I sense turmoil in his heart. It's like a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions, ranging between anger and sadness to betrayal and loneliness.
I know it's because of our relationship; we've always been more than just father and son. We're bound by a life very few people could relate to. Laughing, crying, training, fighting, protecting...it's always been the two of us, taking care of one another, watching each other's backs.
I love my whole family, don't get me wrong, but Chi and Goten weren't there as we fought Radditz or Vegeta and Nappa a year later. They didn't experience the devastating battles on Namek with Frieza and his cronies. They weren't there when Mirai Trunks showed up to warn us about the androids, and they were safe and sound at Kami-sennin's place when the actual attack was launched. They didn't have to feel helpless as Cell, even in his imperfect form, took countless innocent lives, and they were lucky enough not to be around to witness his perfect power.
All of those events tie Gohan and me together. Even though a large part of him wishes I would never show my face again, there's another, deeper place which doesn't want to lose me, no matter what I've done. That portion of his soul mourns the memory of years I've spent dead, unable (and in one case, unwilling, I admit) to return.
I never realized how deeply hurt he'd been by my absences until all this happened. Because of it, he feels guilty for feeling relieved I've chosen to leave, which is just piling more self-loathing and misery on top of what's already there.
That's the one thing I'd give anything to tell him, that he shouldn't hate himself because of what I've done. He needs to focus his efforts on his marriage rather than feeling sorry for himself for things he had little control over and can't change. Other than that, I'd probably just sound like a stuttering idiot...not like he'd expect much more, I suppose. I wouldn't care though, so long as I could talk to him. He could do whatever he wanted: scream, curse, beat the hell out of me...whatever.
It wouldn't matter, just as long as I could be near my son one more time before I go. It would all be worth it, since I have no idea when or if I'll ever get the chance again.
The sound of footsteps on the aluminum stairs of the capsule jogs me out of my depressed reverie, and I curse under my breath. I was so caught up in the stuff swirling around in my head, I didn't notice Vegeta heading this way. It's too late to act like I was asleep; he'll already know better by my ki, so I push myself off the bed and get to my feet as the door opens.
Still, I'm not really in the mood for another of his 'If you were a real Saiyajin' speeches.
He must realize it too by the look on my face, if the smirk on his is any indication. Might as well be polite, I guess, since I won't be seeing him again for a while. "Hey, Vegeta. It's kinda late. What's up?"
He stays silent for a moment, as if he's sizing me up. Then, "Your woman just called."
My jaw goes slack for the few seconds it takes before the announcement sinks in. I don't have to ask which woman he's referring to anymore, which makes it even more unexpected. "She...she did?" I manage to stammer out, though it's damned hard with my throat so tight all the sudden. "Why?"
"Do I look like a fucking answering service?" he sneers before crossing his arms with a huff. "Apparently Gohan will be bringing Pan over tomorrow to say goodbye. She wanted you to know."
Oh...so that's all she wanted to tell me. I'm such an idiot, 'cause for a second there I thought maybe-
I give myself a mental slap and run my hands roughly over my face. The last thing I need to do now is start second guessing what I'm doing or wish for things which just can't be. I should be relieved it wasn't something else, not disappointed.
I notice Vegeta's raising an eyebrow at me, so I resort to my typical routine, laughing and rubbing the back of my head. "Right! Wow, I'm glad I know ahead of time. If Pan'd just showed up, I probably would've freaked out and screwed everything up!"
"I have no doubt you would have managed to do so whether you knew or not," he remarks, "but that is not what I came to tell you."
There's something else? I mean, it's after midnight, and even though I've seen Vegeta train for a couple days straight without sleep, it's still unusual for him to seek me out so late. "Is it about Pan?" A wave of panic suddenly smashes my gut. "Did someone tell her about what happened?" I question in disbelief. Surely they didn't, but...
"It's about breaking your bond with the woman," he interrupts impatiently.
I'm sure I look confused as hell, but that's only because we've already been through this. Vegeta is totally against the idea, yeah, but I guess he figured if he didn't tell me what I had to do, I'd try to do it myself anyway. Sure, I'm not as stupid as I've always let on, but I'm no expert on Saiyajins either. The likelihood I could've gotten rid of it on my own is almost zero, and then there's all the risks of mental damage to one or both of us, had Vegeta not filled me in on the finer points, albeit grudgingly.
So why is he bringing this up now? He made it a point to tell me he'd only go through it with me once. Is he worried I'll forget something and mess things up?
He stops me with a glare before I get a chance to ask; he must've seen it coming.
"Just shut up and listen," he commands, and I snap my mouth shut and nod for him to continue. "I refuse to waste my breath on telling a third-class fool like you what your duty as a member of the Saiyajin race is, and I have no intention of repeating the steps of a ritual you have no right to perform in the first place. As the prince, however, I am obligated," he continues, enunciating each word carefully, "to give you one final warning."
A warning? "But you already-"
This time, it's not so much that I stop talking as my voice has somehow been trapped beneath the weight of his gaze. There's no anger or indignation at all, which on its own is strange, but it's almost like...like he's using both his eyes and his mouth to get this message across. Whatever he's about to say, it's gotta be something major. The last time-hell, the only time I've ever seen him look at me like this was when he was telling me to blast Majin Buu with my Spirit Bomb, even though he was trapped and would die too if I attacked.
"I failed to mention this before, only because it is unlikely to occur. Still, your mate is a warrior, and because of this, there is one last danger you need to be aware of. It is only under this scenario I would be forced to intervene, so you better pay attention, Kakarotto."
He's definitely got my attention.
Vegeta seems satisfied of it as well, because he finally looks away, releasing me from his numbing stare. "It is my experience humans lack the ability to sense a mating bond, with the exception of times of great crisis or, as my own woman proved when I was killed by Buu, if their mate dies. Even then, the effect of the loss appears to be minimal."
Is it just me, or do I hear the slightest dejected edge to his voice? I wonder if it bothers him, knowing Bulma can't feel it like he can. Then again, I've never asked him what it was like to die and feel her presence ripped from his soul, either. Right now, I get the feeling he wouldn't tell me anyway, and I guess it's beside the point. It's different for me and Videl; we can't be together, and we're both painfully aware of that. I can't imagine anything hurting us more than knowing that.
"Because she understands how to manipulate ki and has trained her mind and body as a warrior, there is a possibility your woman could become aware of what is happening when you begin disengaging your spirit from hers," he growls. "If she does realize it, and if she finds a way to focus her energy on your soul, she would, at that moment, have the power to either help you break the bond, or prevent you from doing so."
"Wait a minute," I choke out after it sinks in. "You mean to tell me she has the ability to keep me from getting rid of the mating bond? But...how?"
This time he looks annoyed. "I have already told you this ritual was rarely used on Vegetasei, but it was always performed with the full consent and effort of both mates involved. In this case, you will be taking advantage of the fact her mind is not designed to carry a bond to begin with, and therefore has little to no control over it."
I'm beginning to see what he's getting at, and I feel my stomach lurch. "So, if she does gain control, even for a minute or two-"
"She is still human, and I doubt she could withstand the shock of the separation if she tries to fight it. Although she in not sensitive to your bond, it has still become and integral part of her being, just as it is yours," he finishes, his voice somber. "If she is willing to let it go, she will likely be unharmed."
"But..." Do I even dare ask? Too late, of course. Now I have to know for sure, for better or worse. "If she tries to stop it..."
"She will die," he supplies with such finality my blood runs cold.
I knew there was a chance of something happening to me, but that never bothered me much; I've never been scared of death. I mean, I can pretty much go back and forth as I please these days anyway since I keep my body. It's almost a non-issue, and I can train to my heart's content in Otherworld.
But if there's a chance I could hurt Videl in the process...
It's bugs me I never considered this possibility, but what really, really pisses me off is how, after all that crap Vegeta told me about the bond and how to get rid of it, he didn't say one damned word about this until now.
"Why?" I seethe, despite my best attempt to act normal. "Why didn't you tell me the first time I asked you about this? Why now, Vegeta?"
His eyes narrow for a moment, as if debating whether or not to take issue with my attitude. Then he snorts-a sign he's shrugging it off for the time being-and turns to leave. "What I disclose and when is left to my discretion, and any motives I may harbor are mine alone. When I agreed to assist you with this ridiculous plan, I did so only to prevent you from taking an even more foolhardy and drastic measure."
He glowers at me from over his shoulder, then jerks his head back toward the door. "I understand far better than you the uselessness of what you are trying to do," he intones slowly-I'd almost say sympathetically if I didn't know better. "Before I went into space to train for the androids, the woman said something which I found utterly meaningless at the time. Perhaps it will make more sense to a brain-damaged idiot like you."
Something Bulma said? Despite my annoyance, I've got to admit, I'm curious to hear this one. By the way he's struggling, it's gotta be a doozy.
"No matter how much you may want to," he quotes stiffly, "no matter to what lengths you will go, it is impossible to accomplish your goals until you are honest with yourself. It is only then, once you have accepted yourself and your situation, when you are willing to face your fears and doubts for what they are instead of what you wish they were not, that you will succeed."
Man, you could hear a pin drop right now. I'm surprised something so...mature came out of Bulma's mouth, but it's nothing compared to hearing notoriously proud Prince of all Saiyajins repeat it.
There are several more seconds of tense silence before he finally breaks it with a grunt. "As I said, it was worthless, overly emotional babble to me, but perhaps you can make some use of it." And without so much as another word or a wave, he's gone, the clank of the door echoing through the circular chamber.
I slowly make my way back to bed, falling heaving onto it and covering my eyes with my forearm to block out the lights I didn't bother to turn off. Now the initial shock is out of the way, and I begin running over his words over and over again. Of course, just the thought of me doing something to hurt Videl, again, something that could actually kill her... But Vegeta himself said the chances of it coming to that were really small, right? Right. I can't let myself fall into his trap; I'll bet he's trying to intimidate me using her welfare as the bait. Yeah, that's gotta be it.
But why in the world would he risk humiliating himself on my account? I mean, I've known for a long time-probably longer than even him-he doesn't ignore Bulma as much as he lets on, but to repeat such a thing...that his pride even allowed it is staggering, no matter how indifferent he tried to act.
Then there's what he meant by it. I'm not the best at picking through riddles, but I get the distinct impression it's his way of asking me what I think is really the biggest obstacle to making this plan work: her if she senses what I'm trying to do and fights back, or my own secret, selfish desire not to lose the only piece of her I have left.
Either way, Vegeta's definitely given me something to think about over the next few hours before I take off.