"Pickles? . . . . . . Pickles? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pickles?"
Pickles the Drummer lay insensate across his lounge chair, oblivious to his name being being growled. Nathan poked him experimentally. When this failed to rouse even a groan from the redhead, the front man heaved a sigh and threw his bandmate over his shoulder.
"Time to crash, Pickles," he announced. "I think Murderface might have been right. It's retarded to think our ability to get laid, like, depends on throwing jewelry into a pit in Mexico. I mean; nobody would get fucked if that was a requirement. 'Cept maybe for Mexicans. I mean, Murderface isn't going to get laid because he threw . . .some . . cheap . . . "
Nathan trailed off.
Dethklok's bass player was walking across the courtyard, hand in hand with a fat redhead. Well, she had hold of Murderface's hand and was pretty much dragging him the way she wanted to go. As they passed Nathan, the bassist gave his band mate a look that was half happy, half bewildered and flashed a thumb's up.
Nathan watched them go.
"Shit," he declared. "I need to visit that fucking ruin."
Charles finally extracted himself from the bedroom to prepare for bed. Convoluted as the logic was, it actually meant that now he could leave the smaller bedroom in his suite with two queen beds that up until now had been used for sex only to crawl into the massive king-sized bed in the master bedroom and sleep.
But first . . .
"Are you happy?" he asked Hope.
Hope tugged a nightgown over her head and gave him a contented smile.
"I am very happy, Charles," she assured him, standing and hugging him around the chest.
"Are you sure?"
"You realize you only ask that particular question to whoever goes third?"
"I do?"
"Mmm, it's cute when your insecurities show."
"I am not insecure," Charles insisted, putting an arm around her waist and leading her into the master bedroom.
Faith was sitting up in bed reading a book. Mercy was already asleep, bundled under starched white sheets and blankets like it wasn't tropically muggy outside.
"Good, because you have no reason to be insecure. Most men can't satisfy one woman properly, much less three."
"Well that makes me feel much better," Charles announced, helping her into bed.
Hope crawled across the blankets from the foot of the bed so she could inject herself between Mercy's sleeping form and Charles' designated spot in the middle. Faith got up from the bed to allow the CFO to get into bed without having to crawl up from the bottom. Charles gave her a kiss on the cheek and slid into bed. The dominant triplet got in after him.
Charles snuggled down in bed with a beautiful blonde under each arm.
"Oh, I have missed this," he sighed.
"We've missed you, too," Hope offered. "It seems like forever since we saw you last!"
"It's only been a few months," Charles said. "It . . . ah . . . I've . . uh . . . the boys keep me busy."
Charles Offdensen was a savvy, intuitive man who was excellent at reading people even though he was socially awkward himself. When Faith and Hope went quiet for a minute, he knew a topic was about to be brought up that would spark a Discussion with a capital D.
"Do you remember that road trip we took to San Francisco?" Faith asked innocently.
The road trip in question had consisted of Charles and Faith running to Japantown to pick up some imports.
"Y-yes . . ." Charles said cautiously. "We stopped for a rest break on the way back to Arcata and got busted by the local police for having sex in the car."
Hope snickered.
"You never told me that!"
Faith didn't respond, merely toyed with Charles' chest hair.
"Do you remember what you said?" she prompted.
"Y-yes. I said I wanted to start a family with you three," he said, feeling his stomach start to churn.
How was he supposed to explain about Dethklok and its curse? Mordhaus was dangerous! It was only slightly safer now and by 'safer' he meant 'harder to infiltrate' because nothing about a massive pseudo-military complex floating 14,000 feet above terra firma could be considered 'safe'.
Did he want to start a family with the triplets? Of course he did! If he had lost his mind and stayed with them in California, they'd probably be expecting their first baby about now. That would have been great; a nice big house to fill full of children – the kind of children that would actually grow up – a small town and three beautiful women to spend his life with . . . it sounded like Heaven.
But.
If Charles thought he'd be satisfied with a life of run-of-the-mill legal issues and helping little Charles Jr. with his math homework, he was dreaming.
He had to admit, he loved being the CFO of Dethklok. As much as he tried to downplay it, he was probably the most powerful man in the world and he ruled his vast empire with money and music from a castle in the sky. The price he paid for that particular dream was constant vigilance against physical and financial threats to the band. Most of the conglomerates and countries he dealt with could wipe Mordhaus off of the map with a blink and they ended up begging for his favor. The thrill, the risk of numbers and money and blood . . . Charles was a true junkie for it.
It was like tap-dancing through a minefield.
And now the stakes were even higher; if Dethklok fell it would probably crash the world's economy. He had faked his death once; any further attempts would be scrutinized further. It would be harder to disappear into the populace. Especially since . . . oh dear God, he had invited the triplets on this vacation. Someone was bound to notice them hanging around the band. They might have paparazzi problems of their own.
Now he couldn't choose between a brutal life with Dethklok and a big white house with three wives and 8.25 children. It had to be Dethklok.
Charles took a deep breath.
"Oh, I wasn't actually thinking of that," Faith said.
Charles let a deep breath out. Hope giggled.
"Well, now that you have my attention, what in particular were you referring to?"
"Remember when you said even if you had to leave on business for a while not to give up on you, because you'd be making arrangements? That we'd all be together again?" Faith prompted.
"Oh. Oh, that."
"Yes, that," Faith said with an edge in her tone.
A 'don't take this lightly' edge. A 'we better not have been starter lovers' edge. Hope was cuddled on his other shoulder, staring at him with the biggest puppy dog eyes ever. Good thing Mercy was still asleep; she cried at the drop of a hat. But Charles Foster Offdensen would not be the man he was if he couldn't handle three women pressing for commitment.
Tap dancing through a minefield; one step wrong and the consequences could be dire. They ranged from 'one triplet slightly miffed at him' to 'three on one cold war' to 'searching the polyamory forums for love'. But he was Charles Offdensen. He could probably wrangle a four-way out of this.
"Faith, love, if you think you three are ready to move into Mordhaus, I'll start making arrangements right now. Everyone will have to quit her job, of course; you won't exactly be able to commute. Your Camaro will have to go into storage in one of Dethklok's terrestrial car pools."
This scored a direct hit. A muscle under Faith's eye twitched at the thought of leaving her beloved vintage muscle car.
"I'll give you guys enough time to properly say goodbye to all of your friends," Charles continued as though he hadn't noticed this. "Everyone who comes in contact with you now will have to undergo a background check and sign off on a pain waiver. Of course you'll be escorted by Gears and bodyguards everywhere you go; it wouldn't be safe otherwise. Your time outside of Mordhaus will have to be tightly scheduled."
Now Hope's face dimmed. She loved taking off on impromptu side trips and striking up conversations with perfect strangers.
"And since we'll all be together again – permanently this time – there's no reason we can't start a family. Of course, with the boys around, we have to have some kind of system to ensure the baby's first words aren't 'dildo', 'douchebag', or 'fuck'. I'm sure Mercy will think of something."
Mercy still slept, oblivious to the emotional blackmail going on mere inches away. Faith and Hope exchanged an uncomfortable look on her behalf.
"I'm sure you'll come up with some way to spend your time . . . . shopping or talk show interviews or something. . . and of course I'll make sure you all have a generous allowance."
Something half-way between a growl and a grunt escaped Faith. 'Allowance' was a calculated insult; all of the triplets were incredibly independent. Faith took it to the next level. The very idea living off of an allowance like a child rankled her.
"But if you're all happy with that, I will move you into Mordhaus tomorrow! It will be just you three, me, and Dethklok. One . . ah . . .one big happy family."
There was silence for a long moment.
"Maybe we should hold off on that," Hope sighed.
Charles hid a smug smile. Damn, he was good at this!
"Yes," Faith offered. "We want to be sure it's what would make everyone happy."
"Oh, well, if you insist."
"Well, as much as we like to think it would help, moving in rarely revitalizes a completely stagnant relationship," Faith said.
"Well . . . I . . uh . . I wouldn't say it's completely stagnant," Charles protested.
"Think about it!" Hope blurted. "We only see each other every couple of months and when we mentioned moving in, you started pushing buttons like there was no tomorrow to put us off of the idea. So obviously you don't want us in Mordhaus with you. I mean, what's the future for this relationship?"
"It's not that I don't want you in Mordhaus, I just want you whole and un-maimed and happy more!" Charles protested. "It was the 'allowance', wasn't it? That was too obvious."
"Much too obvious," Faith said. The dominant triplet pulled away from Charles and settled down on her back next to him. "And not very appreciated."
"I'm not exaggerating," Charles protested. "I couldn't even hold onto an assistant for more than a few weeks before I . . . took special precautions. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost any of you."
"And we don't warrant any 'special precautions'?" Faith asked coldly.
"Look; all the things I said about you living in Mordhaus would be true. You really should have an extended visit before you decide."
"So let's do that!" Hope said. "It's no use burning the bridge before we've even come to it."
"That sounds very reasonable. We will plan a long visit. Faith? What do you think?"
"Hhmmf," Faith opined.
" . . . are you angry that I tried to manipulate your feelings or that I was so obvious about it?" Charles asked.
" . . . . I haven't decided yet," Faith muttered. "I'm not above playing with heartstrings, but 'allowance'? Ugh."
"I'm sorry; I'm used to the boys. Subtlety is not their strong suite."
"That's okay, Charles; I'll take all of her turns until she gets over it," Hope said, snuggling against the manager.
"Speaking of obvious manipulations. . ."
"Yeah, but mine works!" Hope said with a grin.
Charles slipped an arm around Faith's waist and hauled her forcibly against him. She didn't resist, but went into 'dead weight' mode.
"Faith, I'm sorry," she said with a smile. "The next time I try to manipulate your feelings I promise to be much sneakier and more underhanded."
"You'd better," she allowed, relaxing a hair. "Sometimes I think you've never had a girlfriend before."
Before Charles could comment, there was a loud knock on the door.
"Papa?" a voice called.
"Oh no," Charles groaned.
He quickly scrambled over Faith and retrieved his glasses from the bedside table.
"What is it?" Faith asked. "It's just some lost kid."
"Oh . . . oh no, it isn't," Charles sighed. "Ah . . . . it's . . . . . ah . . . . please don't dump me."
Faith and Hope exchanged a look as Charles went to the door. Romantic tropical getaway, enough hot 'I haven't seen you for months' sex to go around and promises of taking the relationship to the next step; what exactly could be so horrible as to endanger all of that?
"P-papa, I hads a bad dream!"
Charles re-entered the bedroom with his arm around Toki Wartooth. Toki had on a pair of pajama pants with bunnies on them. He was cuddling a teddy bear while clinging to Charles and sobbing hysterically.
"It's all right, Toki," Charles murmured, rubbing his back comfortingly. "Papa's here."
Faith and Hope exchanged a look.
"Papa, I sleeps wit' you?" Toki choked.
"Of course, Toki," Charles sighed.
He made a 'scoot over' gesture to the two conscious triplets. Hope scooted back until she bumped into Mercy, then rolled over her sister. Faith followed suite, all three triplets crammed onto half of the bed.
Toki looked at the three women, then gave Charles a questioning look.
"It's . . . ah . . . it's okay, Toki; Papa cares about these ladies very much," the manager said, tucking Toki next to Mercy.
Mercy groaned, finally having woken up from having both of her sisters roll over her. She looked around with bleary eyes, rolling quickly through the waking questions of 'Who/where am I? What woke me up? Who's this guy next to me and why is he crying?' Her eyes widened slightly as she looked over Toki's bare back.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
Toki hunched tighter against Charles.
"Hads bads dream," he whimpered.
Mercy wasn't talking about Toki's bad dream; she was looking over the vicious scars on the young Norwegian's back. Charles saw the look.
"Those are . . . uh . . . . courtesy of Toki's other papa," he said.
"No others papa!" Toki blurted.
"No, no, he's gone now," Charles said soothingly. "He can't hurt you."
"Oh . . . . . oh, poor baby . . ." Mercy crooned.
Hesitantly, she reached out and stroked Toki's hair soothingly.
"See? They're quite nice, Toki," Charles offered.
Toki said nothing, but huddled tighter against his manager. All five of them fell into a fitful sleep.
"Tell me what you're gonna do to me," Johnny Betty breathed.
"Beautiful lady, I –"
"In Norwegian," she cut in. "Talk to me in Norwegian!"
On the other side of the world, Njorthr only hesitated a moment.
"Vi vil gjøre kjærlighet ned av ilden," he breathed.
JB cooed writhed, one hand busy between her legs.
"You have to come," she told her fuck buddy. "Come see my island . . . . come see where I'm a goddess."
"You haf always been a goddess, Johnny Betty," the Frost Giant murmured.
The newly-crowned sex goddess moaned and arched back. Then a tequila bottle shattered on her head.
"What was dat?" Njorthr asked.
Before she could answer, an entire case of tequila crashed down onto her head. JB lifted the phone to her ear.
"I have to call you back," she growled.
"Ixchel! I got you booze!" A voice from the depths of Hell thundered.
"Nathan Fucking Explosion . . ." JB snarled.
"So . . . so like . . . we're cool, right? Sorry about your leg. Try the tequila in the little white bottles; it's really good."
JB came up from the cenote like a vengeful goddess. Nathan Explosion was standing on one side of the sacred pit, holding a bottle of tequila in one hand and swaying where he stood.
"Oh shit . . " He muttered.
"Nathan Explosion! Why are you throwing tequila bottles on my head?" JB demanded in her best thundering voice. "My preferred sacrifice is . . . . . ahh! Aaaaaahhhh! Oh God, the tequila's in my eyes!"
"The liquor stores are the only thing open at this time of night," Nathan said. "So, like . . . are we cool?"
JB didn't hear him as she was busy pulling up water from the cenote to splash in her abused eyes.
"OH GOD, there was more tequila in the water! Ahhhgggkk, FUCK!"
"Are we cool?" Nathan repeated.
"Nnnngghhkkk, fuuu-uuuuu-uuuuuuuuck! NO!" The newborn goddess bellowed.
Why the hell was it that every time Nathan was around her, she ended up crying like a bitch? It wasn't fucking fair! It was definitely not divine!
"Awww, aawwww fuck!" Nathan groaned. "What the fuck do I have to do to be cool with you?"
The worst of the tequila was out of her eyes now. Tears still streamed down her cheeks and her nose was dripping with snot. She probably looked like hell warmed over. Maybe she could demand the rich singer build her a nice little hut so she didn't have to sit at the bottom of her cenote and get hit in the head with sacrifices. Her abused eyes flicked briefly around the ruins.
"Build me a temple," JB blurted. "Build me a new temple and you will be my golden boy, Nathan Explosion."