Mass Effect 30 Day Challenge Day 12

Prompt 12: Favourite human character (Other than Shepard)

SPOILERS: Mass Effect 2

Mockery

In Transit, Horizon to Haestrom, 2185 CE.

"Commander?"

The voice was loud and coming over the intercom. Kara Shepard groaned and rolled over, promptly falling off the comfortable leather couch and onto the floor of the Port Observation Lounge. She heard the tinkling of breaking glass like a gunshot next to her head and she sat bolt upright, wincing in the bright light. "Ow." She muttered, lying back down.

"Commander Shepard! Rise and shine! Time to greet the new day!"

Shepard shook her head blearily and looked around her. Her head throbbed and her mouth tasted like someone else had thrown up in it. After thinking it, she instantly regretted contemplating the concept of throwing up. The voice over the intercom sounded familiar. She coughed and pulled herself upright slowly, shading her eyes from the bright lights of the lounge. "Joker?" she croaked.

"Commander! Hey! You're up!" Joker's voice was horribly loud and seemed to rattle her brain around in her head. She groaned again and covered her face with her hands. "Good morning! How are you feeling?"

"I'm…" Shepard slowly attempted to stand, then sunk back to the floor, deciding this was in fact not a good idea and that the floor was a much safer place to be. "What happened?"

"Well," Joker's voice still rattled in her ear, and she was convinced that he was raising his voice on purpose. "We left Horizon about ten hours ago, and you went to the lounge after your meetup down planetside with Operations Chief Williams and Kasumi left you the key to her liquor cabinet!"

Shepard groaned again, squinting behind her at the broken glass that glittered on the floor. A damaged bottle of what looked like one of the Master Thief's special mystery blends. Several other empty bottles sat on the bartop along with a sad pile of used glasses. "Was that all me?" she mumbled, managing to get on her hands and knees and slowly shuffle towards the door.

"No, Kasumi helped," Joker said, his tone over the comm. still overly cheerful. "She's passed out on Jack's cot down in Engineering. She gave up long before you did though, gotta say, I'm impressed."

"Could you tone it down a bit Joker?" Shepard croaked as she shakily pulled herself to her feet using the couch to assist her. The entire room spun around and her head suddenly felt as if someone were beating it with a hammer. "I think my head's on fire."

"What's that Commander?" Joker said, raising his voice and making her wince in pain. "You think a song would help you feel better?"

"Flight Lieutenant, I will reinstate flogging if you sing so much as one note," she growled, opening the door and stumbling out into the too-bright corridor of the crew deck. She just had to get to the elevator, she thought to herself. Then I can pass out in my nice cold shower.

"A classic from the twentieth century you say?" Joker called over the comm, his voice now so cheery he could have put gameshow hosts to shame. "How about a little ditty to celebrate you kicking the Collector's Butts down on Horizon?"

"Oh god," Shepard felt the bile rise in her throat and she flung herself at the nearest door, falling into the restroom as it slid open. She barely made it to the toilet before she began to noisily vomit, but not loudly enough to cover the sound of Joker's slightly off-key warbles over the comm.

"I've paid my dues… time after time… I've done my sentence… but committed no crime…."

"Shepard," EDI's voice echoed behind Joker's singing. "The women's restroom is on the other side of the ship."

Shepard coughed and tried to make a scathing remark, but her stomach heaved again and she returned to her prior activity.

"And bad mistakes… oh I've made a few… I've had my SHARE of sand KICKED in my FACE, but IIIIII'VE COME THROUUUUUUUUUUGH!"

Shepard came up for air just long enough to growl at her pilot and ship AI. "I hate you both," she croaked. "SO much."

She retched again and returned to the toilet as Joker began the song's raucous chorus.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeee are the champions, my friends… and weeeeeeeee'll keep on FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTING, to the end…"

Shepard dragged herself up into a standing position using the side of the toilet stall for handholds and slowly stumbled out of the men's restroom, making a note to apologize to Gardner for the mess when she sobered up. She hit the button on the elevator and it slid open with a painful slowness as Joker continued to sing. Judging by the heads poking out of the crew's quarters and people's confused voices, Joker was broadcasting his song on all Normandy channels.

"Weeeeee are the champions, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS…"

Shepard leaned against the back wall of the elevator and directed it up to her personal cabin, Joker's cacophonous warbles bouncing off the enclosed area. She felt as if her head was going to explode.

The elevator door slid open and Shepard dashed for her bathroom, tripping over a pair of her discarded boots as she did so. "FUCK." She yelled, and crawled into the bathroom on all fours.

"NOOOOOOOO TIME FOR LOOOOOOOOOOOOOSERS, 'CAUSE WEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS…."

Kara Shepard reached up and turned the faucet on her shower until ice cold water began to pour over her. She curled up, fully clothed and in a fetal position under the water, even though it did nothing to drown out Joker's song.

"OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD."

Shepard groaned again. "When I get out of here Joker," she yelled over the sound of pouring water. "I will obliterate you!"

She heard Joker laugh. "Have a nice hangover Commander!"

"I hate you!"

She heard Joker close the comm channel, and before she could properly turn her thoughts to hating his guts her stomach lurched again, and she threw herself across the room, only just making it to the toilet.

My pilot is made of pure evil, she thought to herself when she finally came up for air. She crawled back over to the shower and curled up under it, hoping the cold water would put out the fire in her head. Pure, unfiltered evil.

Guess next time I'll have to drink less, she thought as she let the water pour over her. Or if not, drink somewhere where Joker fucking Moreau isn't within mocking distance.

Answer: Jeff 'Joker' Moreau.

I love everything about Joker. He's a complete troll, but he has a compassionate side. In my headcanon, he mocks Shepard mercilessly for her drinking habit because he's secretly concerned about how much she consumes and he hopes that his off-key singing and embarrassment will get her to at least drink a little less even if she doesn't stop entirely. She'd never accept his help with the problem any other way.

Song is 'We are the Champions' by Queen. With apologies to the late great Freddie Mercury.