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Chapter Four

My alarm clock beeped loudly, startling me from sleep. Sitting up quickly in bed, the cotton sheets tangled around my legs, as I reached blindly for the alarm clock off button with one hand, the other shielded my eyes from the red digits that screamed at me through the darkness.

I had drunk too much, and couldn't remember the last time I had eaten.

It was 9pm. I felt dreadful.

I rid myself of my underwear before heading into the hot shower, and after drying my hair and consuming two large cups of coffee; I was beginning to feel more human.

I dressed in a white shirt and black trousers, pairing the outfit with black heels; I went to check on Lindsey before I left. Pushing open the door of her room a little to make sure she was okay, the light of the corridor made the scene viewable through the dark.

She lay in her bed, her breathing steady, a teddy bear engulfed in a tight hug in her arms, its body under the duvet just as much as hers. I wondered what she thought of me, if she had any idea of what I did for us, or if she just blamed me for not being there. I wanted to hold her, promise her I'd be around more, but it'd be a promise I couldn't keep. We needed the money from my job. But I knew she needed a mom.

I closed Lindsey's room door with a soft click and made my way past Nancy's room, then down the stairs and out of the house.

Nancy had moved in with us two years ago, and with her work fitting in with Lindsey's school times, it had all made sense at the time. She took care of Lindsey when I wasn't there, which was most of the time, and I was grateful. But it should have been me.

Starting the car engine, I turned the radio up full; I couldn't bear to think anymore. If Lindsey didn't hate me now, she would when she was old enough to realize I was never there. I put my window down as I drove the car to work, the stinging wind seemed to still any flow of tears that threatened to fall.

Ten minutes later I was checking for any messages at the lab's reception desk. There wasn't anything, and I was thankful that I would have an hour to myself before the rest of the team arrived and Grissom handed out assignments. Grabbing a selection of files from Grissom's desk I took my usual position in the staff room.

Another one of Grissom's incapabilities was his paperwork management, not with cases but with his team. Of course I couldn't fill in my own quarterly review, but I often ended up doing everyone else's. Grissom always said we were singing from the same hymn sheet anyway, but really I guessed he would agree with anything I wrote.

I didn't even realize someone else was in the room until a coffee was placed next to me and soft fingers stroked down my arm. My breath caught in my throat as I realized who it was.

Sara.

She was dressed in a pair of dark blue denims and a simple black sweater top. Her dark hair hung loosely around her shoulders, and she had a little eye-shadow on - a light colour to make her brown eyes look even browner.

"Thank you." I smiled; my stomach doing flip-flops at her presence. Her fingers stopped at my elbow and retreated back to hold her coffee mug. I missed her touch instantly.

"You're welcome." she grinned. "Are you writing my quartley again?"

I raised my eyebrows a little, I was somewhat surprised she'd figured out that I did them, but part of me expected that she already knew. She was too clever to let something like that go unnoticed. I didn't respond, just simply caught her eye as she gave me a playful look.

It was as my eyes dropped to her lips and I felt an urge to kiss her that I realised I couldn't write her review this time. What was happening to me? I doubted I'd even be able to work a case with her at this rate. It was obvious that I had become attracted to her, but from such a turn around… we'd barely been friends, and then she'd shown a different side to herself, I guessed I must be showing a softer side too.

Lost for words at what was going on in my head, and Sara's soft smile, I excused myself from our conversation. I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind myself. Leaning back against the door I closed my eyes, trying to figure out what was going on.

I tried to blame Sara; she was making me feel like this, surely, but I knew deep down it was my own thoughts and emotions. I had read too deeply into her kindness, become too involved in forming friendship. Maybe she pitied me, I debated, but Sara wasn't the type to pity.

I hadn't even given her sexuality any thought, although to take that into account required me to believe that this was a realistic idea, and that was absurd. Whether Sara was interested in women or not, it would be a ridiculous expectation that that interest would extend my way.

In my past I had been with just as many women as men, but in my previous employment, sexual relationships had had no real meaning, it was just sex. It wasn't until Eddie came along that I settled down. With him it had meant something. What a mistake that was.

Since then I had dated a couple of men but like previously, it had just been sex, that was all I had allowed it to be, I couldn't possibly allow myself to be so vulnerable again.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, before leaving the bathroom. Finding the staff room empty, I collected my files and headed to Grissom's office, where I found the team assembled around his desk.

Grissom sat back against the side of his desk, papers in hand. "Nick, Warrick, you're on a hit and run on the strip." he handed over the case file to the two men before going back to the files in his hands. "Catherine, burglary in Henderson."

I took the file and flipped it open, scanning the documents.

"Sara, you're with me at Spring Valley. Double homicide."

I looked up to catch Grissom's gaze at Sara. It was intense. I could tell exactly what he was thinking, and it wasn't rated PG-13, that's for sure. It made my insides ache with jealousy, even if I'd only realised my feelings for the brunette a matter of days ago.

She was smiling at him in return, but it was only a simple, friendly smile, much unlike the way she used to look at him, when she believed he would return her feelings. I guessed she knew better now, if she still felt anything for him or not.

I left Grissom's office and went to get my CSI vest and evidence collection kit. With no body, I wouldn't be doing much in the way of collecting blood samples or fibres. No, I would be fingerprinting the house for the entirety of my shift. It was going to be a long night.