Chapter VIII: Forgive Me
The whole place was completely dark, not even the lovely moon's light could brighten up the depressing rooms. Thick clouds heavy with vast amounts of rain had shown up late in the night; each drop of rain pounding against the surface of the windows and the roof. Orihime had long since retired to the warmth and safety of her room, leaving a big blanket on the armrest of the couch for Muramasa to use since the concrete walls were not enough to keep the cold at bay. However, the zanpakutou did not even bother to move away from the window where most of the wind seeped through; his eyes were closed in silent thinking as he listened to the relentless assualt of the rain, the roaring of the thunder rolling at the distance and the occasional strike of the lightning that made up for the lack of moonlight. He has seen worse conditions back where he used to call home and sometimes there were no stone walls to protect the people from the cold, in fact there were times where there was nothing but the thin clothing to protect your skin. This was exactly how he felt except he did not feel the painful strikes of the water or fear the thunder that killed all other sound, not even the streak of lightning was upon him, what he felt was the painful process of time. There was nothing going too fast or even at a steady pace, it was just going unbearably slow.
The cold of the weather was what calmed his burning anger of all that was around him. The rain allowed him to ignore the past events and the lightning was able to give him some hope of a result for what he has done. An odd way to put it, but even if Orihime did not share his feelings, he would hope she would allow him to at least remain beside her. The reality of being like this, with a flimsy gigai for an anchor, was just torture. His hands were stuffed inside his pockets while he stood in front of the window watching the sky remain stuck in the depths of the darkness with the clouds merging together and moving ever so slowly forward to spread whatever rain remained and it seemed that at the rate in which it was going, it wasn't going to stop for quite some time, at least until the sun rises for the next day.
He allowed a sigh to break the silence and finally opened his eyes; he was tired but he refused to fall back into the temporary solace of sleep. Soundlessly, he brought his right hand out from his pocket to look at it. In the guise of a human he could not summon his sword nor did he wish to, but that did not mean he didn't feel the urge to. He wondered how the shinigami would react if he materialized their swords once more. Would they be happy, would they wish to stay as a physical individual for as long as they wished? He was curious as to what they would do if he had granted them that last wish. Slowly, he closed his hand into a fist, feeling his nails lightly dig into his flesh. What was it that made him think this way, that made him feel guilt? Was it Orihime that made him think back on his actions of the past; was it because she was kind enough to even forgive someone like him, someone who was blind to everything?
He didn't know and he did not wish to find out.
"What is it that troubles you so, Muramasa? Is it the girl?" A mocking voice deep within the darkest part of his corrupted mind asked lowly. For a moment Muramasa could almost see the reflection of his eyes flash a bright red.
"I have no idea as to what you are referring to, you insolent fool." He replied passively, his eyes still staring almost longingly at the darkened sky.
"You should know it's impossible to lie to yourself."The voice laughed.
Muramasa said nothing in response only continued to look outside where it seemed like the sky was crying out its own troubles. He knew well this horrible voice that spoke in the shadows of his mind, it was the voice of the numerous hollows he had consumed to sustain his own life. These hollows fused with him and should he allow that tight hold he had around his whole being to loosen, he would be risking his sanity again and morph back as a hollow.
"If you just kill her then this could all end you know. If you just take this chance to become something stronger you won't have to deal with all the pain of having emotions, in fact you won't even remember having them."
Muramasa could practically see his other self smile at the thought. His face turned from a soft look of silent sorrow to that of enraged hate; this voice had been silent since Orihime had healed him and accepted him into her home. What a fool he was to think it was actually gone. He had heard it as nothing more than a hum in the background, but the way he spoke disturbed him greatly; he was lost in the most honest of ways, in that second where the hollow uttered those last words his mind went completely blank; free of all thoughts.
Had another second, a brief moment, passed he would have been caught in another struggle over will in the sense of both mind and body had it not been for that flash of pain coursing through his own heart. Everything he was at this point was because of Orihime whom was somewhere far more pleasant than reality; at least away from his reality. Instantly he willed away the annoying virus by returning his attention to the world beyond the glass. Now the frozen chill of the wind drifting through thin gaps suddenly felt comforting, appealing in every way. His ears were now deaf to all but the soft howls of the wind rushing through everything in its path and he was beginning to wonder what the rain would feel like.
Careful not to make any sort of sound, he moved and went straight towards that room where there was sure to be more peace than anywhere else he had ventured through. Softly he pushed open the door with the hair at the back of his neck rising in fear that he would wake her even though not a sound could be heard, when there was enough room for his form to slip through he went in. Should anything shift within the darkness he would leave the way he came and possibly avoid moving away from his place at the window at all. With careful steps and watchful eyes he approached the sleeping form huddled close to the thick blankets and gazed at her with soft eyes; there was something else welling within his chest, but he couldn't really identify it as pain or maybe welling affection that some people would call love. Either way he was extremely pleased to see that her expression was at complete ease even going so far as to have a small smile.
He felt far too guarded to allow his face reflect what he felt, be it by the hollow lurking in him or the fact that he has had no reason to smile for most of his existence. Right now, he did not exactly trust himself to be lax about anything, especially after what had occurred not too long ago.
Now that he was sure she was deep in sleep he finally turned away, a hard expression replacing what had been closest to a happy expression he could express at the moment and returned back from where he stood only this time he went straight to the exit. The urge to feel the coolness of the wind rush through him was becoming strong, what more could he accomplish in peace if he had to worry about a nagging voice that refused to shut up even now? The best way to tone someone out was by hearing something else entirely and right now the storm couldn't get any worse than what it was.
As soon as he closed the door behind him and ventured back on the lonely sidewalk all he could hear and feel was the horrendous assualt of the countless drops that slammed on him, drenching his clothing and making it weigh down on him. Despite that, however, the cold was exactly what he had wanted. The thunder and lightning mattered nothing to him, it only served to make him that much more aware of the rain. No one would dare be caught under this type of weather, not even one without a home. His breath could easily be seen floating and vanishing like a mist, his hair immediately falling under the weight of the rain and sticking onto his skin; everything was blurred but for one like him who could navigate through the darkness of the Menos Forest, all was clear.
He walked down all the familiar paths from buiding to building, some with signs that claimed they were still open but most were closed and if he had to guess, then he would figure that even though Urahara's shop would have the 'closed' sign he could still just waltz right in there, but there was no need for it and he preferred nothing more than his own solitude at the moment even if he did hate it.
Soon, after going through almost every part of town he knew, he came to the park. The dirt had turned to mud and the sand that surrounded the little playground with a merry-go-round and slides had become thick and dark and would easily cause a nasty scratch should a child-or anyone for that matter-fall into it. He continued to just glance around and see the town in a different view; it seemed no different than his world actually. There was nothing in sight but buildings and instead of a vast ocean that was calm and quiet, it was loud and falling from the sky; no it was not all that different, he would just need to see it as another form of his inner world and all would be as it was before he had ever been seperated from his original master. At least now all he could hear was the despair of the storm rather than the eerie silence of nothing.
Sudden comfort washed over him at the thought and when he came upon the bench, he sat and further drenched his clothes to the point where he could feel nothing but water and the discomfort of his sleeves sticking onto his skin. He knew that if he went home at the rise of the sun Orihime would be furious at him for going out in the midde of the night without any protection from the rain, but really he wouldn't mind staying right where he was. His eyes fell to the ground as his body hunched over to where he rested his elbows against his knees and just as they were drifting to a close he caught a small blotch of white sticking out among all the mud that surrounded the bench.
At first he thought it nothing more than simple trash until curiosity got the better of him and he simply pushed his foot against it. It moved under the applied weight and instead of being anything even considered trash it was the unmistakeable little arm of the plush toy that Orihime had given him as a gift; the small replica of himself put into an image of a doll. His eyes widened at the sight of the sword still clutched in its grasp barely being able to hold its form under the pressure of the water and the thickness of the mud. Since when had the doll moved from where it was? He didn't even realize it had left its place from the couch where he had last saw it.
'Was it her?' He wondered as he gently lifted it from the muddy ground. The muck had slipped off when he had wiped it but it only cleared half its face showing one button eye and half its frown, the rest was too dirty to simply wipe off.
'She must have had it and dropped it some time ago when we were out.' He concluded, his look of surprise gone and replaced with the same calm expression that resembled nothing but that of a blank page, giving no feel of anything. He had allowed the coolness of the wind and rain to numb every nerve within his body, he could barely feel the weight of the doll in his grasp.
The rain slowed and the wind fell into a set of slow flights, occasionally flowing through him and numbing his body further until it was starting to make his bones ache. In his normal self without the gigai he would not have had trouble dealing with it, but he was at the level of a harmless being now and he now felt the affects of his nightly stroll.
Stiffly, he rose to head back trying to either find a way to avoid Orihime as he was or hope that the wind would dry him enough to leave no prints of the storm all the while holding the doll loosely within his fingers.
Since the rain had slowed to a halt and the thunder went down to mellowing growls the voice of the hollow was nowhere and he found that now he felt a sense of peace along with the heavy burden of sleep hovering dangerously above him by mere inches. Maybe he could fall asleep at the front door and leave less of a mess, but that would probably frighten the poor girl.
Fortunately he was still mentally awake to get the door open and was thankful that it was still dark enough to make it seem like he had not left at all, but when he slipped through the door and closed it behind him the light suddenly switched on, momentarily blinding him and flinch under its harsh gaze.
He dropped the doll to try and protect his sensitive eyes from the painful glare with his arms.
Before his slow mind could even try to think of an act to see, focus, and get a hold of the situation he felt something crash into him and slam him against the door. His eyes had not yet adjusted but he could feel something incredibly warm seep through him and bring back life into his seemingly dead body. His mind was harshly brought back into reality when he had felt the warmth of the arms clutching at the moist cloth at his back almost to the point of pinching him.
"Ori..hime?" his voice was dry and rough from being shut and unused.
"Muramasa-san you know you should not have left in the rain!" She yelled angrily with her voice slightly muffled against him, but the mere volume of it was enough to leave him caught speechless
She whipped her head away from his chest to look angrily at him with red eyes that leaked with worried tears.
"Why did you leave, how long were you away and outside without anything to protect you?" She asked; apparently she was barely aware he was even gone, she had probably found out about his absence just a few minutes ago; she looked like she was still asleep. Her eyes were bloodshot and he couldn't be sure, but it seemed like she had been crying for a while.
In truth he had no idea how long he was out considering he had not bothered to check the time and just simply left after making sure she was asleep. The condition of his clothes, however, was enough to state he had been out there for more than what was necessary.
"It's fine. It is only rain, Orihime." He stated quietly hoping that she would just let the subject go. He should have known that even though she could be slow about a few things and would most likely seem oblivious to her own health, she would always be aware of others. And he was no exception.
"Muramasa-san, you're shivering." Her voice went down to a whisper as she glared at him like an adult scolding a child. His eyes widened when he looked at his hand to find it slightly shaking until he forcefully clenched it in a fist and shoved it in his tight pockets that were cold from the harsh weather. Gently, Orihime placed a hand to his cheek, forehead and hair.
"You're really cold, too..." She murmured with a frown before pulling away.
"Why were you crying?"
That certainly caught her off guard. She hadn't realized that the tears were still falling until she touched her own cheek. Her face flushed with a deep red as she tried to keep her gaze away from his unmoving eyes.
"Right now...that's not important. Here." She grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the door and led him straight towards the bathroom. He was confused at the sudden act, but made no move to pull his arm away even every movement was uncomfortable at the moment. Stopping in front of the small lit room she pushed him in while hiding behind the door with only a part of her head sticking out so that she could point out a few things.
"It isn't healthy to be in the rain, so you should take a warm shower. There's a towel right there and I can bring you some of my brother's clothes while I clean yours." Quickly, she shut the door and left him to take care of himself, but as he looked at what was in front of him he could only glare in anger; it was not like this would kill him. Even if he was in a gigai, it would still take much more than a cold and a stab wound to get him down. What was important -at least to him- was knowing what made her cry, obviously his absence could not have been enough to evoke that much emotion and he was curious as to find out if he could help her in any way. For a while a he just stood there thinking before just going through with it and maybe he could bring the issue back a little later. First he had to figure out how to get the blasted thing to work.
Several times the shower was heard turning on and off until it actaually stayed on; Orihime was aware that there was a big difference between Seireitei and the human world and that small things such as showers and such were not the same either, but she figured that she really didn't need to say anything, at least she was really hoping not to. Content that she wouldn't have to face such an odd topic she continued looking through her brother's stuff to find suitable clothing that Muramasa could borrow. A few times she stopped to stare at certain items and remember the good times that they shared; after so long she learned not to cry so much when doing so but had yet to fully erase the tears that would still be faintly noticeable welling up slightly but it only glassed over. The lump that used to form at her throat was minor now and could easily be taken care of as soon as she noticed it.
All these and a few trinkets were all she had aside from the photo to remember her dear brother; they were all precious to her and reminded her of all the time they spent together which never failed to bring a smile to her face afterwards. Even now, she felt her chest welling with happiness at various times where it was just her and Sora in the past. It managed to bring her back in a good mood as she picked up a pair of black pants and a white shirt from the closet to leave on a shelf near the bathroom.
She was so caught up in her memories that when she came near the bathroom she failed to take notice that the shower was no longer running. Without any warning, just as she placed the clothes on the shelf, the door flew open revealing Muramasa in nothing but a towel wrapped tightly around his waist.
Everything went completely still as the two remained forzen in place at unexpectantly meeting with the other in a most awkward situation. She tried so hard not to turn and meet his gaze, but well she did and though her eyes just barely saw his whole torso it did nothing to help the rushing blush that spread all over her face and neck. The steam flowing from the shower only made everything worse as she quickly took a step back.
"I'mterriblysorry!" She squeaked as she rushed to escape back into the hall leaving a very confused Muramasa standing at the doorway of the bathroom.
After the whole incident-a good thirty minutes-Muramasa finally came out of the bathroom wearing his given clothes back to where Orihime was sitting on the couch holding the dirtied doll. His steps were silent as he made his way to sit next to her but at a respectable distance. The rain had long since stopped with just the dark clouds as its only reminder that it was there. All was silent as each tried to think of something to say to the other.
"Do you feel better now?" She asked shyly, trying in vain to forget what had happened. He nodded in response not at all that bothered, it's not like he was completely exposed; he had a towel at least so he couldn't really see what the problem was.
"That's good." She sighed as she finally moved her eyes to glance at him, but instead of feeling embarrassed like before, she felt relieved at how relaxed he seemed to be now which in turn made her smile. Muramasa on the other hand was not as lax as he made himself to be, although the shower did make him sleepy he was still alert and he still wanted to know why she had been crying.
"What was it that made you cry?" he asked softly, his voice almost a whisper.
"I am quite certain that you have not been aware of my absence for more than a couple of minutes. Was it in your sleep?"
Orihime nodded, her hands moving over the doll to try and wipe off the dirt that had dried on its face and clothing making it seem like it was abandoned and alone; so much like its original it almost made her want to cry again. "How did chibi Muramasa-san get dirty?"
Muramasa looked over at her to glance at it and replied in a low voice, "I found it out at the must have dropped it when we left." He stated feeling very uncomfortable about bringing up the subject that was left alone after the little trip. He felt incredibly tired now, but he didn't want to give in to it just yet, he wanted to enjoy her company where it seemed like it was not so tense, no tension, no words, just the freedom to think or in this case remain blank and allow no doubt to ruin the calm air of silence, but it was also because of the fear that the hollow might try and cause trouble. He leaned back against the couch to rest his head on his arm almost completely lying down, but his feet were still connected with the floor to avoid taking up more space.
"Is there anything else you wish to speak about?" He asked softly.
Orihime looked at him and tried to decide whether she wanted to speak about it or not. Thinking about it now, it didn't seem like it would hurt to ask.
"Why did you go out in the first place without an umbrella?" Her smile went down to a small frown as she looked away from the doll to gaze at his features in wonder.
"I just needed to clear my head a bit. The rain helped, that was all."
"But you could have gotten sick! What were you going to do if I had not woken up?" She asked now grateful that her dream did wake her.
"My actions for going out have no consequence aside from your worry, I would not have gotten sick." He looked back at her; he had already caused her enough trouble of his little confession and he was damned if he was going to trouble her with the little nagging voice trying to take over his soul.
"Please Muramasa-san, theres no need to hide everything from me. How am I to help you if you keep doing that, how can I give an honest answer if you aren't able to give one back?" She asked and that finally seemed to snap something within him.
She could see through his calm facade and was able to tell that what he spoke was not the whole truth. His eyes burned again and his chest tightened. He didn't want to show her, he did not want to strike any kind of fear into her heart like he had done before. She tried to help him and he only repaid her by trying to shoot a cero at her. How long until she would find out was all that he could think, how long would it take to dispel this horrid monster inside him. The answer was quite simple.
He sighed as he sat straight and closed his eyes to try and quell the passing pain. Hiding and being subtle was his strong point, easily fooling the other zanpakutou and their masters and yet, Orihime always regarded him with extra caution without him realizing it. In all honesty he loved that she cared for him enough to try and get him to truly explain everything that really bothered him.
He made a face as though he were pulling out a knife from his side before slowly opening his red eyes to show her and allow all that was wrong with him to be laid bare before her. Her expression only softened but the determination within them did not as she watched tears of blood stream down.
The pain passed as soon as it came, but he could feel that he was not where he should be; not in his inner world.
"Has anyone ever told you what it was like to turn hollow?" His eyes were almost glaring as he watched her with curiosity. Instantly Orihime was reminded of her dear brother. A soft gasp escaped her lips, but really she should have known this, it was there from the start. A smile made its way onto his face as he turned away in understanding that she was aware.
"Just because my life has been extended it will only last for as long as I can fight it. Without a shinigami I will disappear at some point and should I go back to the hollows it will only be a matter of time before they will overcome my very soul and I will become them."
There was nothing but silence between the two until Orihime brought a hand to gently grasp the sleeve of his shirt and bringing him close to her. He said nothing, did nothing, and expressed nothing as he watched her with unwavering eyes that were heavily guarded. His shield was easily seen, but Orihime didn't mind as she brought her thumb to lightly wipe over the tears and clear them away from his face. Her smile was back on her face and that was what truly made him uncomfortable; he was tired of pity, it was useless and it only made him feel useless as well. He began to wonder if he should just leave and clear the burden for the both of them.
"I don't want to lose Muramasa-san." She whispered as she moved to lean against him, leaving him feeling tense and confused.
"You're my precious friend." She hugged him closer to the point where they were back in the position they had fallen asleep in except now they were both aware of it. She grabbed the blanket and draped it over them only to have him bunch it up towards her and she just accepted it. If he was cold then he would simply get closer to her, that blanket was not that big for two people just enough for one. She continued to look at him still wanting to talk but he had looked away from her and brought her head to rest at the crook of his neck.
"We can talk later, for now just rest."
For the both of us.
She seemed reluctant to just leave him again for sleep, but she couldn't really argue with him since the position he put her in was too comfortable to ignore despite the close contact. Quietly and swiftly she slipped back into slumber while Muramasa kept his eyes open for a while longer.
"You do realize that you are running out of time; why prolong it?"
The voice was given no answer, yet he knew that Muramasa had not allowed his eyes to close in sleep. For him, there was no more time for it.
-X-X-X-
A/N: ... Well, I'm going to annoy you guys again by saying I hate this chapter. Not the content in it, but because of the time it took. I have a really bad habit of complicating small things and this was the result. In the form of a review or message (doesn't really matter) tell me what you thought of it and if it was terrible I can replace it, I think. Since this was originally supposed to be a oneshot it doesn't have much left after having it excede its limit... On a side note I love my sister, she's funny. I was asking her about this chapter and she just kept on saying to make them kiss. I wanted to, but that will have to wait. X3
venG: I hope that pity is not the case either, but love is very freakin' complicating to write (at least for me it is, but it can be fun) so I hope that it will turn out well myself.