What's done is done
Ok, this chapter is very sad (well, I found it sad writing about it).
I hope you like it and as usual, please review it
Chapter 9:
Andy blinked. He tried to blink away the tears. "This is our baby daughter." Janet said, weeping a little. Our baby daughter. Our baby. Baby. A baby. My baby. Andy thought. He is a father. He paid full attention to what Janet had said. She was still referring to the baby as if it were alive, as if it was with its mom and dad. Is. Not was. Of course she'll always be our daughter, but was. That word kept circling around Andy's head as he cuddled the baby. "Janet, why didn't you tell me? I can't believe no-one noticed. You were at least 4-5months pregnant. Why didn't you tell me?" Janet turned onto her side to look at Andy. "I don't know, I didn't know how you would react…I couldn't have Ade find out yet either. Or the girls. Gill has asked how I've been because I've obviously been so tired, but I just said the girls were running me around. I'm so, so sorry Andy." She trailed off as the doctor walked in. "Sorry Janet, I don't want to disrupt you, but we need to take her now." Janet sobbed. Andy sobbed, and cradled the baby, almost protecting it. "Just five more minutes doctor, please" Andy pleaded. Janet had never seen him like this before. "I'm sorry, we have to take her now, so we can prepare her for burial." Janet began to cry, as she took the baby back off Andy. "I'm so sorry baby, I'm so, so sorry." Andy put his arm around her and the baby. "We need to name her Janet. She needs to have a name." Janet sniffed, trying to contain the tears as the doctor stood outside. "Amelia-Rose. I think it suits her" "it's lovely Jan. Just like our baby girl is" Andy said, still with tears streaming down his face. He got the doctor in to take the baby. There was a lot of crying. Janet cried into Andy's chest, and he cried whilst holding her. They watched the doctor walk down the corridor with their baby, so small. She was very premature. There was no hope for her. She only weighed 4oz6lbs. She was tiny. Helpless, tiny and alone, in this world.
They cried together for what seemed like hours. How had I come to this? Janet had lost Joshua when he was a baby, never able to hear his whine, or him trying to stutter out 'mum' or 'dad', she had lost Amelia. Not able to hear her first cry, or to change her first outfit, or just look after her and protect her like a good mother should. She just wanted peace; she couldn't live with the guilt. All these what ifs were building up. What if she had just told someone? What if she hadn't have ended it with Andy – why didn't she tell him then? What if she had of left his house later, or earlier, or gone straight home and rung him like she was going to? All these images were building up in her mind as she lay in Andy's arms, all the things she could've done to protect her little girl, but she didn't, she thought about herself first, not her child. It was like someone had torn out her heart.
"I need to see my girls, Andy please get them for me. I can't leave them as well, I need to see them. Tell them. I need to get it out. Please Andy." Andy lifted himself up from her, and sniffed, trying to dry the tears. "Of course I will… I love you Janet" he said on the way out "I love you to Andy, so, so much" she turned back over and began to cry again. She didn't think she had any tears left. Her face felt swollen, her eyes were stinging, and her nose was running loads, she looked a mess. She didn't care, she could cry for the rest of her life if she wanted too, but she knew she couldn't, for the sake of the girls. She tried to dry her eyes, and make herself look presentable, but the picture of her and Amelia the nurse had taken after the operation was at her side. The nurse had put it in a frame labelled "it's a girl". Janet hugged the photo frame loads. She squeezed it so hard she thought it may break.
A few minutes later, Andy came back with the girls, Gill, Rachel and Ade trailing behind. They all burst through the door and ran up to her. The girls were crying. Janet was crying still holding the picture, Andy was crying. Ade was looking down, with his head in his hands. Rachel was crying and shaking, as she took the picture off Janet to look at the baby. She showed Gill who had tears streaming down her face, "oh gosh, she's beautiful Jan" Gill said. "She's absolutely beautiful."
"Where have they taken her?" Elise asked. She wanted to see her sister. She had only known about her for 10 minutes, but already loved her as much as she loved all her other family. "They've taken her to be…" Janet burst out crying again, trying to sit up, "I'm so, so, so sorry, everyone. I've messed up too much, and this is the price I have to pay. It's not fair, it's just…" Andy grabbed her hand and sat down next to her. "She's gone to be prepared for burial. We will have to arrange a funeral when Janet's a bit better." His eyes were welling up with tears again. His first child, and he'd known her for half an hour, and he was never going to see her again. That tiny bundle, that looked so small compared to everything else. Her tiny hands curled up tight, in a hamster position, her small features, eyes, nose, and mouth. In every way she was perfect. All parents say their children are perfect, but Amelia really was. "What was her name?" Taisie asked quietly "is. Taisie, what is her name." Elise snapped back. "She will always be an is" isn't that right mom? Janet nodded weakly, trying to stop more tears. "Her name is Amelia-Rose." Janet said. They all looked towards the picture, their eyes drawn to that small bundle of pink. "Beautiful, absolutely beautiful" Ade said, smiling up at them. He felt quite awkward. It wasn't his daughter, but it was close enough. He was as upset as the others. No-one that small deserves this. She didn't even get a chance in life. It was nobody's fault, although people liked to blame each other, it was just something that was going to happen. He remembered back to Joshua. How he had felt torn apart. He couldn't imagine what Janet was going through, she had lost two out of her four babies. She hasn't done anything wrong, yet she was getting punished for everyone else sins. Even Andy. He knew what it was like to lose a child, but he had also got two others, whereas Andy hasn't got any children, and probably never will have any more. His life will be tied to Amelia.
They all sat in silence, just thinking about today's events. Everyone's eyes were swollen, their faces blotchy. They had all cried. Whether they went to the toilet and cried, or just cried in the room, they had all let out buckets. None of their lives would be the same again. Never ever.