Hello again~~ This chapter is entirely of Homura's memories/point of view. And, it is quite long…

Natsume Yuujinchou

Phantasmagoria

Chapter 3

Suicide 自殺 Jisatsu

"Come on, Homura!" Seiji pleaded, lying on top of Homura's bed while Homura drew in his sketchbook, ignoring him completely.

Seiji watched Homura bent over his desk with a pout. "Ho, mu, ra! Let's go! I'm just gonna show you the place and then we'll come back and you can continue drawing!" Seiji said, light brown hair falling over his darker pools of chocolate.

"But it's late already! I'm too lazy to go out!" Homura lied. Actually, he did want to go to the 'secret place' Seiji said that was in the forest, but usually at this time youkai would go scampering about.

Seiji pouted again. "How come it's late? It's only 2.30…"

Homura looked at his watch. "2.45," he corrected nonchalantly.

Things stayed quiet for a while, the only sound emanating from the light pencil strokes against thick paper.

"… Please?"

"No."

Seiji stood up. "Fine! I'll go myself! Who needs a lazy-ass like Akatasuki Homura? I'll go there and enjoy myself and draw graffiti on tree barks if I have to! Then I'll write 'drawn exclusively by Kagurazaka Seiji'! Wah hah ha! Wah hah hah ha!"

Homura sighed. "Just a few minutes, okay?"

Seiji pumped his fist downwards, a sign of victorious glory.

A short little youkai observed two humans from above a rocky hill. One of them smelled too good to be true.

Maybe he is from an exorcist's family, it thought excitedly and grinned. They are happy and laughing now, but what will they look like if they are hurt or, better yet, dead?

It gave the heavy rocks around a little push. Just a slight, little push. One slight push might lead to inescapable death. Down they go, tumbling towards the two human children below.

"Where is it, Seiji?" Homura asked.

"It's over there, we'll get there soon."

"What is the 'secret place'?"

"Hehehe… See for yourself! It's like a little patch, full of flowers! It's really beautiful!"

"Flowers?" He brought me here, being open targets to youkai, for…flowers?

"Mm-hmm! The sun shines down on it so it's real bright. I just thought that they'll turn out great when you take—" Seiji looked at Homura's empty hands. "Ah damn, I forgot to ask you to bring your camera."

Oh, so he brought me here so I could take more pictures.

They talked some more, joking around, and laughing hysterically when Seiji tripped over his own shoelace, and stepped on some moss which he thought was animal poop.

Suddenly they heard sounds. It was like something was rolling and crashing down their way. And it sounded directly above them.

"Look out!" Seiji cried, shoving Homura away.

Rocks—big rocks, little rocks, sharp rocks. They all rained down on them, and crushed and buried them.

Homura supposed he had passed out for a few seconds. He couldn't move, and his body hurt all over. As he tried to focus on his surroundings he noticed Seiji, under a huge rock. Cuts, bruises, and other wounds covered him, so Homura guessed he himself must've looked the same.

At that instant he saw a short youkai on top of the hill. It was too far away for him to make out its ugly features, but it was unmistakably clear that it was the one that caused this catastrophe. Homura stared at it in horror and disgust as it grinned, then disappeared out of sight.

The next second it reappeared in front of him, making him gasp. It bent down, forcing Homura to look at its hideous features. It had grayish wrinkly skin and three blood-red eyes, and its mouth was wide and his teeth looked carnivorous.

It laughed—no, more like cackled, like a witch. "Child, what are you? Are you from an exorcist's family? No. More importantly, you can see me, can't you? Interesting. You are too interesting, human! Your blood makes other ayakashi around go crazy." It bent in closer and licked a wound on his head, where a more-or-less egg-sized rock made contact with it and left blood trailing down. Homura flinched, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

"…Go… away…"

The youkai ignored him. Homura's hands started to shake.

"Go away! Why did you do this? ! If it's me you want then you didn't have to involve Seiji! He has nothing to do with this!"

The youkai lifted its head and positioned it directly in front of Homura's. There was a smudge of blood on its cheeks. His blood. It made Homura sick from deep in the pit of his stomach.

"Because it's interesting. Do you not know that it is dangerous to bring other humans into this forest, especially when there are other powerful ones roaming around? Foolish little human. I should just eat you right now and get this over with." It bent closer and opened its mouth again. Homura tried to turn his head away, but it grabbed hold of his head, turning it itself. It bared its fangs and dug it in Homura's flesh.

Homura gasped and writhed, trying to break away. He could feel it sucking his blood, and it didn't feel good. He wanted to scream and yell for help, but he was tired. Too tired. His so-called 'screams' came out as whimpers and whines.

"Ho…mura…?" Seiji had regained consciousness, opening his eyes slowly. He saw Homura lying in a weird angle, with his head turned to the side and his whole body trembling. He was whimpering in pain.

"Sei…ji…"

"What's wrong? Did you hurt yourself somewhere?" he asked even though he was the one who was more seriously—and fatally—hurt. Homura didn't answer. Suddenly he jerked, head snapping backwards, a strangled cry ripping itself from his throat. That's when Seiji saw a trail of blood flowing freely down his neck.

Kagurazaka Seiji knew. He knew that his best friend Akatsuki Homura was somehow, strange. His face would sometimes suddenly turn white and he would look at the ground, as if averting his eyes from someone. But Seiji knew it wasn't 'someone', it was 'something'. The rumors had been going around school high-tension for days until it finally died down when he started hanging out with him. Rumors about how he would sometimes show up at school with injuries, even though nobody had ever fought with him before. How, after a certain period of time, somebody would fight him, some dumb asshole who thought Homura had been fighting with punks and whatnot and had wanted to become 'popular'. Popular his ass.

And also, how people would get hurt if they got too close with the guy. Seiji had modified the sentence. 'Hurt' wasn't the term they were using, it was more like 'cursed'. But still, he had found him interesting, and very lonely. He was sure that the rumors revolving around his universe, might be false, but also might be true, yes, but still he was sure that he wasn't all that frightening. The only downside was that the rumors had been flowing for so long, and Homura didn't show any sign to stop it, which is why everyone believed them. Even the teachers seemed to keep a distance from him.

He had casually asked Homura to eat with him during lunch one day. As expected, he was shocked out of his skin. But he had agreed, albeit a little shyly. Not long after that people started interrogating him—don't get close to him, he might get hurt, blah blah blah. He ignored them all. Homura was the only person he had ever felt so close to. It was like they were brothers.

Seiji would even give up his life to save Homura's if he had to.

It was agonizing. Homura guessed that vampire victims must've felt like this too, if vampires were real. He heard Seiji call his name, and he called his, when the youkai buried itself deeper, obviously wanting more. That was why his head snapped back and a smothered cry escaped his mouth. Why does it have to do this? It could've just killed me first.

The youkai sensed that Seiji was awake. It drew its head back. "Tch, the human's awake." Then it disappeared, just like that.

"Homura, what happened? Was that… a youkai?"

"A-Ahh…" Homura drew his hand to the wound.

"You know, Homura… I can't move. I think I broke a few bones."

"Does it hurt?" He was dizzy from the loss of blood.

"I think I might die."

Silence enveloped them for a while.

"…We'll live," Seiji suddenly said. "We'll definitely live. I won't lose to that kind of damned youkai." He coughed. It didn't sound good. "We'll get better, and go to school, and study, and hang out, and play music, you'll draw and take pictures, and I'll help you, and we'll try to set up the light music club, and… and I'll do guitar, you'll be the keyboardist, then we'll find other members. So… don't lose hope. Somebody's bound to realize we're gone too long." Silently, he thought that would be impossible. His mom knows that he hangs out with Homura a lot, and vice versa. They would think it'd be like normal days when they came home a little late. It would be ages before they realize something was wrong. He just wished he could move and dial the emergency line.

And Homura thought so too. He was slowly losing consciousness; spots were beginning to dance in his line of vision. "Seiji… Don't die. You can't. Not ever."

"You too, Homura. Homura… I'm sorry. I should've never brought us here. This wouldn't have happened if I listened to you." I seriously feel like I'm dying.

Homura knew what was going through Seiji's mind. "Seiji, don't! We'll be fine!"

Seiji smiled.

"Why?" Homura asked in a quivering tone. "Why did you save me?"

"Isn't that obvious? You're my best friend, Akatsuki Homura."

Homura's vision blurred. No… Not yet…! "Sei…ji…"

"It's okay, Homura. Just close your eyes and rest."

The last thing Homura saw was Seiji's smiling face.

It as blinding white when Homura first opened his eyes.

"Ah, Akatsuki-kun, you're awake! I'm so relieved…" said an unfamiliar woman in a nurse's uniform.

A hospital? I don't remember falling sick or anything.

Seiji.

He shot up, and instantly regretted it. Pain coursed through his whole body like an electric shock and it hurt like hell, but he tried his best to ignore it. The nurse looked alarmed and set her file down.

"Where's Seiji?"

She cast her eyes downwards. "We're sorry. Kagurazaka-kun is already…"

No. No no no no no. He yanked out the needle from his arm and swung himself out of the bed. Dizziness instantly washed over him and he staggered. Luckily the nurse caught him.

"Akatsuki-kun! You can't do this!"

"No… Let me see Seiji…"

"I can't permit you, especially when you are in this state! You're still weak and unstable!"

Homura stopped struggling. "But I'm alive, aren't I?"

The nurse stopped trying to refrain him.

"Please. Just let me see him," Homura whispered. He sounded pathetic, but he couldn't care less at the time.

"Sawako." A doctor stood in the doorway, pushing an empty wheelchair. "It's okay. Let him visit Kagurazaka-san for the last time."

They made him sit down and then the doctor left. Homura recognized some of Seiji's relatives from his family pictures. Only this time they weren't having their faces lit up by smiles. He saw Seiji's mom and little sister Shiina too, crying.

The nurse pushed the wheelchair into an empty room, save for a bed and Seiji lying lifelessly on top of it. Homura bit his lip. "I'm sorry, can I be alone for a while?" he asked quietly.

The nurse left without another word and waited outside.

He looked long and hard at Seiji's pale face, hopelessly wishing he would wake up and say that he was just pulling everybody's strings with a silly smile on his face. But he didn't. The smile on his face right then wasn't silly at all.

"Seiji, wake up, won't you?"

Homura tried to get up. He failed miserably. He fell to his knees next to Seiji's head, hands gripping the bedside. He didn't dare touch him. He didn't want to feel the coldness of Seiji's skin, never to warm up again. The wheelchair behind him had fallen over.

When nurse Sawako came in to see what was wrong she saw Akatsuki on the floor with his head downcast and his back to her. The wheelchair had fallen over.

"Are you okay Akatsuki-kun?" she asked gently, reaching out her hand to touch him.

"Don't come closer!"

Her hand froze, but then continued to reach out for him. "Akatsuki-kun…"

"Don't touch me!" He hunched downwards some more. "Leave me alone…!"

"Don't be like this, Akatsuki-kun."

"Why? Why did Seiji die instead of me? I should've been the one that died. Why?" He seemed to be talking to himself rather than with her. Her concern deepened.

She put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't react. "Don't say that, Akatsuki-kun. You should be glad you're still alive."

"It's my fault. It's all my fault. I… killed Seiji."

"No you didn't. It was a horrible accident. Nobody is at fault here."

Homura didn't even hear her. Seiji is dead, and I don't know what to do about it.

It's all your fault.

Homura sat in the middle of the bed back in his ward, hugging himself and crying, The nurse stayed silent, peeling an apple.

Her work was half-finished when somebody knocked on the door. She put the knife and the half-peeled apple on a plate on the small bedside cupboard and went to open the door.

"Mrs. Kagurazaka," she said. "Do come in."

Homura stiffened slightly and swallowed, still hugging himself and not looking up. He wasn't at all ready to face her yet.

"May I get you two something warm?" the nurse asked.

"Thank you," Mrs. Kagurazaka said.

The nurse stepped closer to her. "I beg of you to not say anything that might depress him further, Mrs. Kagurazaka. He is very unstable right now. We're afraid he might act irrationally." After saying that she went out.

Homura lifted his head slowly. "Oba-s—"

Her right palm struck his left cheek painfully before he got to finish. His head snapped to the right upon impact and the awful headache started again. Ah… There's nothing wrong about this… I had expected it anyways…

"I'm sorry…" His hand slid to the reddening mark on his cheek. Not only did his cheek hurt, he had bit the inside too. Tears continued to flow down his face again. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

Mrs. Kagurazaka clenched her fists tightly at her sides, biting down on her lower lip. "... What did you do? Seiji's a good kid; he shouldn't have had this sort of destiny planned out for him! But why is he dead because of you? !"

"I didn't ask him to die for me; I swear I didn't. I wouldn't have let him push me out of the way if I'd realized what was happening. You know I would. This all happened because I wasn't stubborn enough. I'm sorry…"

"Do you think I would accept such an excuse?"

"Yeah, you're right. Even if I apologize and repent about this for the rest of my life; even if I said 'sorry' millions and millions of times it still wouldn't add up. It wouldn't make up for even the slightest bit." Homura dropped his head in his hand. It was throbbing by then, a dull thump thump thump.

The door opened and the nurse came in bearing a tray with two mugs of tea. Nobody moved. Mrs. Kagurazaka kept on staring at the ground; Homura kept on sitting still with his head pounding in his hand. He swallowed. He wasn't feeling so good at the moment. He wondered if he would feel like this forever, the remorse engraved into his very essence.

"Akatsuki-kun," the nurse said gently. "Your tea is here. Be careful, okay? You're still weak and I don't want you spilling any hot stuff on yourself. I'll be talking to Mrs. Kagurazaka for a bit outside."

Homura didn't respond. The nurse sighed and led Mrs. Kagurazaka outside.

I'm done for. My life was empty and dull for a very long time, then somebody came and changed it all for me. I began to see new hope, began to think that humans weren't that cruel. And now, I had gotten caught up in all that new experience and excitement—only to see it crumbling down again. I'll never be the same.

No wait. If I was never here then this all wouldn't have happened. The only obstacle here is me. If I were never here Seiji wouldn't have died. He remembered what the nurse had whispered to Seiji's mom about him with 'the possibility of acting irrationally'. He smirked. Irrational my ass. But I guess I'm still gonna do it.

He started breathing a little heavily, and his body was burning up. He felt dreadful; he guessed the painkillers must be wearing off. He spotted the knife the nurse had used to peel the apple, just beside his mug of tea.

After years of experience, Homura had come to his own personal theorem. Getting beat up did hurt, but it made him feel like he was alive. Pain was the only thing anybody feels directly. It had cleared his otherwise empty mind. He relied on it.

Homura's mind was getting a little fuzzy. He didn't even know what he was going to do. He only knew what he knew he had to do. His hand reached shakily towards it. It accidentally touched and pushed the mug. The mug, and its hot contents, fell and broke into a little glass heap.

The nurse and Seiji's mom immediately came into the room once they heard the sound of glass breaking, only to find that Homura had the knife in his hand.

It's okay, right? Nobody would remember me, except for my family and Seiji's. But they would have a lighter burden on their shoulders once the accursed Akatsuki Homura is dead.

I just wanted it all to end.

"Homura!" Mrs. Kagurazaka shrieked.

"Put it down, Akatsuki-kun!" the nurse cried.

"It's already too late," he muttered.

Stab.

Around 3000 words? Man, this is the longest chapter I ever wrote!