A/N: Here's the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.
~~X~~
Kendall was lying on his bed, just sitting there. He had been thinking about the recent things that have happened in his life. James likes a girl at the Palmwoods and they were probably going out. Great, he thought sarcastically. Kendall didn't know if he should be angry with himself or be proud of what he did. He was glad that he could help James be happy but he was sad that he wasn't directly making him happy.
Some girl was making him happy and all he did was help her. Kendall scowled in anger at the girl. He knew that he had no right to be angry at her but he couldn't help but be jealous. He wished that James liked him but he knew it would never happen. Kendall, who was bi, knew that James wasn't even bi, he was straight. That definitely shot down his chances, if he had any to begin with.
Kendall turned over and stared at the empty bed next to his. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there but he knew it was late. James wasn't back yet. He was probably with her. He sighed as he closed his eyes. He was going to try and get some sleep. Between dealing with Jo and fighting his feelings for James, Kendall was tired.
Kendall was just about to fall asleep when he heard James open the door. So much for sleep, he thought. He sat up and put on a fake smile when he asked, "How'd it go?" James looked at him and smiled. "It was great. I did everything you told me to do and it worked. Kendall, you're the best."
Kendall smiled, "Great," he said, though it was the exact opposite of what he really wanted to say. Some small part of him hoped that something went wrong, that their relationship hadn't work out. But he knew that James was excited about this, if the smile on his face meant anything. He wouldn't let what he wanted screw up what James wanted.
Kendall was dead set on getting back to sleep when James said something. "What?" Kendall asked. "Could you help me again?" Kendall looked confused. Help again? What more could he need, Kendall asked himself. He already had her, what more could Kendall do? "With what?" James sat on his bed and motioned for Kendall to join him. Kendall did. "'magoodkisser."
Kendall blinked. "What?" James sighed. "I was wondering if you could tell me if I'm a good…kisser?"
Kendall looked at James incredulously. He couldn't do that. It would be terrible for him to kiss James. Kendall had told everyone that he was bi, they accepted him but now he wished that he hadn't said a thing. James was using it against him. Kendall always thought about how it would be to kiss James but he never thought that he'd get the chance. "James, I'm not sure this is a good-"
"Please," James interrupted, "What if I'm a bad kisser and she breaks up with me or-" "I'm sure you're a great kisser." Kendall tried his best to reassure the other but he could tell that it wasn't working. "But-" Kendall silenced him with a kiss. James gasped and Kendall slipped his tongue inside of the taller boy's mouth. He knew he would regret this but he couldn't take it anymore.
James was begging him. Who was he to deny him? They both wanted it, just for different reasons. So Kendall gave in. When he felt James start to kiss back he forced himself to remember that this wasn't for pleasure. This was to help his best friend, that's all. Kendall pulled away reluctantly. He didn't want to stop but he knew that he had too. He didn't want the kiss to last long because that would give him more to remember.
"You're a great kisser, James." Kendall said and James smiled. "Thanks, I don't know if I can ever make this up to you." Kendall smiled back, "As long as you're happy." And it was the truth. As long as James was happy nothing else mattered. Kendall climbed back into bed and turned away as James changed his clothes. He didn't want any unwanted dreams tonight.
~~X~~ (Next Morning)
When Kendall awoke he noticed that James wasn't in his bed. He climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash himself. When he was finished he went to the kitchen, wondering where James had gone. He saw Carlos and Logan on the orange couch, watching the science channel. Carlos looked bored while Logan watched on in fascination. Typical.
"Have you guys seen James?" Kendall asked. Carlos answered him. "He went to the pool with his new girlfriend." Kendall's heart broke even more. He knew that they were together, but hearing it from someone else made it harder to ignore. "Oh," he whispered as he walked to the fridge to grab something to eat. Carlos looked at him strangely for a second but Kendall dismissed it. It sounded like any other retort Kendall would give, but if you listened closely, you could hear the sadness.
After Kendall had finished his food, his phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket, wondering who it was. When he saw it he sighed. It was from Jo and he didn't fell like doing anything with her. He looked at the message.
Hey Kendall, meet me at the pool.
Great, he thought. He walked back to his room to change again. He needed everyone to think they were a happy couple. On his way to the door he said, "I'm going to the pool with Jo." He didn't stay to hear a reply. When he arrived he saw Jo on the other side and walked straight toward her with a smile on.
"Hey Kendall," Jo greeted him. "Hey," he said back. She didn't know that he didn't really like her and she never figured out that this was all an act. "So I was thinking that we could…" Kendall ignored her in favor of eyeing James and his girlfriend, who were behind Jo. James' girlfriend had brown hair that stretched to the middle of her back and she had a swimsuit on. She was thin and looked to be the same height as Jo, if not slightly shorter. Kendall didn't have the best view from where he was standing but he knew that she was pretty.
She looked over his way and it seemed like she was looking at him too. She broke their heated stare when James wrapped his arms around her. She smiled and leaned up for a kiss. This made Kendall dislike her even more. That was the kiss that he was supposed to be having with James. He was supposed to be holding James and he was supposed to be going out with him.
But things didn't always go the way you wanted and Kendall knew this. He knew that he should stop being jealous and just be happy for his friend, but he couldn't. It was too hard. Jo's voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Kendall? Are you okay?" Kendall looked back down at her and said, "Yeah, I'm fine."
That was a lie. He wasn't fine but he knew Jo wouldn't see past his façade. No one would, ever. But sometimes he wished that they did. He wished that someone, anyone, would notice the things he tried his best to hide.
"So, what do you want to do?" Jo asked. Nothing that involves you, Kendall said in his mind. But on the outside Kendall said, "Let's go for a walk in the park." Jo nodded and they began the walk. If Kendall had to be with Jo, he was going to get away from James and his girlfriend. He couldn't take watching James be happy with someone else.
As they walked in the park, Jo was talking about…something. Kendall didn't know because he wasn't listening to her. He was too deep in his thoughts. This was boring to him; at least it was boring with her. It didn't make it better that she had slipped her hand down to his and interlaced their fingers. He didn't want his fingers interlaced with hers. He wanted her to be James. He wanted to be with James, hold his hand, take him out, and make sure that everyone knew that they were together.
That was only in his dreams, though, while his eyes were closed. When he opened his eyes he wouldn't see the deep brown hair that he longed to touch, the brown eyes he could get lost in and never be found, or the slightly pink lips he could kiss until he was seconds away from death because of not breathing. Instead, he saw blonde hair that he didn't want to see, brown eyes that weren't the right shade and lips he hated kissing. But it was a part of the act. What's a relationship without kisses, hugs, and holding hands?
After walking around for a bit it he wanted to go home but Jo wouldn't let that horrible date be over that soon. Instead they went to get ice cream, to the movies, and finally out to eat. Kendall hated every second of it. Each time she would kiss him on the cheek or grab his hand after he had purposefully let go, Kendall regretted ever replying to her first text. When they arrived at the front of Kendall's door she gave him a quick peck on the lips that made him want to gag.
He resisted the urge. When she had finally left he ran into the apartment. He sighed as he made his way to his room. Another day wasted with Jo, he thought as he got ready for bed. He couldn't wait to go to sleep. James had entered a little bit after him with a smile on his face. When he saw Kendall his smile grew. "Thanks again, Kendall. I'm so happy that I found someone to be with."
Kendall felt like crying then and there but he held back the tears. Instead, he nodded and said, "Great." Kendall didn't say anything else because he didn't trust his voice not to crack. If James noticed and asked him what was wrong, he would break down. He hurried into his bed and waited for James to fall asleep before he hopped out of bed and grabbed his hat.
Kendall stalked toward the bathroom shut the door and made sure it was locked. He walked to the mirror and let the tears fall. He ripped the bandages off of his wrist and grabbed the blade. He made a cut for everything that had happened.
One, the pain of James kissing his girlfriend. Two, spending the day with Jo when he wanted to be with James. Three, the pain of being alone. And finally, the pain of knowing that James is happy with someone else. Kendall let a small smile show as he looked at himself in the mirror. James was happy and he was sad, but if Kendall had to be sad so that James could be happy, so be it.
Kendall rewrapped his wrist and hid the used bandages deep inside of the trash can. Once again he made sure that all traces of blood were gone before he wiped his tears and walked out of the door. Kendall looked to see that James was still sleeping and he let out a small sigh of relief. He heard a light knock on the door and wondered who it was before he went to answer it.
He was shocked to see Carlos standing there with an indecisive look on his face. Carlos looked up when he saw that Kendall had opened the door. He said, "Come with me," and Kendall silently shut his door and followed. Carlos sat on the couch and Kendall sat across from him. "Carlos, what's wrong?"
"We need to talk." Carlos answered simply. Kendall raised an eyebrow, "Talk? About what?" Carlos stared into Kendall's eyes before taking a deep breath. "I know about you."