Phantasmagoria

Natsume Yuujinchou

Chapter 7

A New Name 新しい名前 Atarashii Namae

"Tengu, shall I give you a name?" Homura asked suddenly a few days after their second meeting. During that period of time both Homura and the blue-eyed tengu had come together as very unlikely companions, talking with each other at their timely rendezvous after classes finish. And during that short period of time Homura got to know that the tengu, for all his superiority and sarcasm, was really all alone. He had lived alone for seventy years and had not even tried to make friends with the other ayakashi in Yatsuhara, except maybe a tiny fist-sized female youkai who was his servant. And that happened only because he had saved her one day and the youkai had been so indebted to him, and he had just let it be.

Truthfully, Homura could not imagine living all alone for seventy years and not being remembered by anybody. And truthfully, for some reason, Homura felt a strange connection between him and the tengu. After all, he must have suffered much to have lived without much communication with anyone else. Homura himself had experienced around twelve years of it, not including his youngest years when people only thought he was a bit imaginative.

Now, back to reality.

"Mind repeating that, human? You want to name me? Do you even know what that implies?" They were at the lake again, Homura sitting down on the grass and the tengu on a tree stump, playing with his beautiful feathers.

Homura made an innocent face, not knowing what the youkai was talking about. Not seeming to care, either. "Honestly, no."

"Are you making that stupid expression to annoy me or do you really not know?"

Homura said nothing, still staring up at the tengu's blue eyes.

He sighed exasperatedly. "If you name me, or take my name, I will be bound to a contract to serve you as my master until my name is returned and my freedom gained. Like hell will I admit you as my master. Hmph, I am a high-class youkai, goddamn it, why would I need to be under such a scrawny human as you?"

Homura's smile froze on his face. I feel so underrated right now, haha~

"However," the tengu smiled. "you seem to be a very interesting human being, and since I have a lot of time in my hands, so be it. Still, a word of caution to this decision—" the tengu instantly looked down on him in a diminishing manner. "—if you give me a sloppy name I will immediately tear your limbs apart and drink your blood and—"

Homura sweat-dropped.

"—but of course, I was just joking, I'm not that cruel to damage your body like that till it was beyond recognition—" the tengu continued, "I would make a wound on your body and suck your blood till you're dry," he finally finished and snickered.

"No worries, I will try and not give you a sloppy name so please stop thinking about eating me!"

He nodded.

"Hmm~" Homura pulled his knees close to his chest, one arm hugging them and the other toying with the grass around him. "Suzuya… might be nice."

"Why so?"

"No apparent reason," he answered truthfully. "It's just that… that name seems to fit you…?"

"Oh really."

"Mm."

Silence settled in, but it was more comfortable than awkward. Homura had grown accustomed to it long ago. He actually would've preferred it more than empty talk if only he didn't meet the guy that changed him almost completely. Though he admitted that he was even worse than before after that incident, a total emotional train-wreck that had thought of suicide more than he himself could handle. But what could he do; he had nobody to talk to, his parents were overseas and he didn't have the heart to burden them with more unnecessary worry, and his only friend was seven feet under the ground. Nurses and doctors and therapists and counselors meant nothing to him, he just thought of them being annoying and deceitful, with their smiles that are too bright and gestures that were supposed to be sincerely helpful but seemed hesitant and almost scared.

Again, what could he do; he himself was scared at the black hole that was gradually eating him alive from the inside and left the outside a fresh, rotting corpse.

Homura smiled dryly, already lost in his thoughts and shutting the present world away.

Homura was a normal baby to begin with, then suddenly he was given this special gift, and then, everything collapses. Everything gets sucked in. In the end, Homura wondered, will the time come for it to consume him completely and leave an emptiness behind, or will he surrender to insanity first. Either way, he didn't want them. Either way, he was scared. He was scared if he had to look in the mirror one day and see a different person each time. And it wasn't like it hadn't happened before. He would just love to smash the mirror to pieces and reject the change, but since it costs money, he'd rather not.

"What if I was blind…" he muttered.

"What?"

Homura realized his mistake. "Uhh, sorry. I was just talking to myself a bit there."

"What are you talking about being blind?"

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You're lying. Tell me." The tengu brought one of his wings forward to meet Homura's head.

The human exhaled, silently. He could feel the youkai's eyes boring into him as if they could see his very soul and instantly know that he would try to change the subject and lie.

There was no escaping.

"It's just that… I hate this. I hate having to hide away from things that other people can't even see. Every time I step out of my house, people stare at me. They think I'm strange. Why? I—" Homura's eyes widened. Why was he even telling the tengu this? And besides, he had just managed to stop himself from saying—

"Say it."

Homura clamped his mouth shut. Shook his head.

"Say it, human. You hate us."

Homura's hands balled into tight fists.

He heard a sigh. "Even though I am very curious about your experiences, your feelings, and your pain, but I won't make you spill everything unless you want to yourself. So rest assured. I know. My seventy years alone could never match your sixteen's."

Homura's eyes watered, but he desperately tried to stop them from flowing. He swallowed thickly. "Still, seventy years is—"

"Even so, seventy years is nearly nothing to us youkai. But for you humans, you haven't even reached sixty and you're all wrinkled." The tengu folded his wings neatly behind his back and rolled his eyes. "What is your name, human?"

"Ah, Akatsuki Homura."

"Strange name."

"Oi."

"Yoshi. From this day forth my name shall be Suzuya, master of human, Akatsuki Homura—"

"Hey aren't you getting it mixed up?"

"Hmph. I was just joking. I will never admit you as my master nor you me. Nobody needs to be the servant."

"Suzuya…" Homura said, smiling. "Does that mean we're equal—"

"This is more of a master-and-pet relationship!"

"Just like I thought you're screwed up you stinky blue-eyed monster!"

"You know, Suzuya…" Homura said the next day; his legs crossed under him Indian-style, then lied down on the grass instead.

"What?" Suzuya was picking at his feathers, and plucking out some that he thought were not perfect, torn after getting snagged at branches, and dropping them purposefully on Homura. Sure, plucking out his own feathers hurt a little, but it's not like you'll die.

"Aren't you bored living here all by yourself?"

"You're starting to stick your nose into my business. Hmm."

"I'm just curious. Is that bad?"

"Personally, yes. Why would you care? It's not like you don't experience that. The first time I saw you my first thought was that you looked like you don't have a soul. Haa… You looked like you just crawled out of a grave…" Suzuya grinned.

Homura wanted to retort, but he suddenly lost his ability to think of any words bad enough.

Plus, he overlooked the fact that Suzuya didn't answer his question at all.

"Natsume, good morning," Homura said when he saw him the next morning. He hooked his school bag on the side of his table and brought his chair closer to him. "Why didn't you come yesterday?"

"Homura, morning. Ahaha, I was feeling a little dizzy. Touko-san told me not to come."

It was a lie. He didn't feel dizzy yesterday; he was just tired from having to deal with another youkai case.

"Who's Touko-san? Your mom? Eh~ You call your mom by name? How interesting."

Natsume sweat-dropped. "It's not that. Touko-san and Shigeru-san are my relatives. I'm currently living with them."

"Oh, I get it. Ah, I just remembered. You see, we just got our notebooks back, and the teacher wants us to do notes on the new chapter. I got yours for you, I hope you don't mind. Wait a sec…" Homura leaned sideways so he could reach for his bag without getting up, then rummaged through it, searching for Natsume's notebook. "…Huh?" He rummaged through it some more, then spilled out all of its contents onto a very surprised yet amused Natsume's table.

"History, Chemistry, Physics, English, Literature… Uhh… Natsume?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really sorry. I think I put them on my table… I guess I forgot to pack them this morning…" Homura directed his gaze downwards. Ahhh stupid! Idiot! How could you forget somebody's book when we're supposed to—

Natsume smiled. "Don't worry about it. You can just bring it tomorrow. When do we have to pass it up?"

"Uuuu… Tomorrow~" Homura wailed.

"Gehh? ! Tomorrow? !"

The transfer student nodded sadly. "What do we do now… Ah, Natsume, how about you follow me home after school? Then you can do it at home and be excused from the horrible moments of detention!"

"Uwaah~ So you live in an apartment, Homura…" Natsume mused, looking around. It was a modest residential area; the apartment blocks didn't look too shabby nor too fancy.

"Well, I live alone. Living in a normal one-or-two-storey house has much cleaning to take care of… Plus, at least we have security in here. So it's pretty safe."

They stepped out of the lift when they reached the fourth floor, and Homura started to lead the way. When they arrived at his corner lot apartment however, he froze. There was a letter on the ground. No address, just the name Akatsuki scrawled over the envelope messily. He picked it up, Natsume peeking to see what Homura was fussing about. He did notice the way Homura's body suddenly grew stiff and the way his cheerful gait had dissipated instantly and also the way his knuckles turned white from gripping the unsigned letter in one hand and the house key in the other.

Homura didn't even bother to invite Natsume in. He just stalked in, kicked off his shoes, dumped his bag in a corner and went straight to the kitchen where he ripped the thick envelope open and scan through its contents.

Natsume took off his shoes, trying to act calm. Homura was behaving very strangely. It must have something to do with the letter, but as much as he would like to know, he had no qualification to peek at somebody else's mail, even if it seemed suspicious.

Homura gritted his teeth as he read the words on each page, each scrawled angrily and was purposefully big-sized, as though the words were all emphasized.

Killer. Coward. You killed Seiji. Rot in hell. And many other things Homura didn't want to acknowledge. A sudden burst of adrenaline, hate and rage exploded within him. It was as if he forgot Natsume was there, standing by the dining table.

He took a knife. Right then he completely forgot about what he had done with knives. He was just too… occupied to care. He began stabbing at the pages, cursing in rhythm with each stab.

"Who's the killer? Who should rot in hell, you bastards? Fuck you! Fuck you all! I wish you would all just get crushed under a truck and get your fucking entrails dragged the whole length of the road! Die! Die! Die! Who's the real bad guy? You guys fucking tried to burn me, bastards! Shitshitshit—"

"Homura! Homura, calm down! Homura!" Natsume had grabbed him from behind, trying to stop him before something happens.

"Ku…" Homura continued gritting his teeth, breathing heavily through his nose, his body shaking, his hands shaking, his mind a mess. He dropped the knife in the sink immediately with a clang as soon as he realized what he was doing.

Nobody said anything the first few moments. Natsume wanted to give his new friend time to calm down, which seemed like a very hard task to do with him in this state. "Calm down…" he said.

Homura nodded shakily, eyes locked on the sheave of papers under his palm, the one on top reading 'nutcracker'. They had done it, no doubt about it. The guys from his former school. Must either once used to be Seiji's friends or his loathers. Either way he desperately tried to calm down, tried to breathe normally, in, out, in, out.

"Have you calmed down?" Natsume asked, gently nudging his palm out of the way and taking the papers and dumping them in the trash. "I'm guessing you didn't like that letter. Need something to drink? Cold water?"

Without the cursed papers under his palm he gripped the countertop, feeling how comfortable the cool tiles were against his hot, burning skin. He distinctly heard Natsume opening and closing the fridge, then heard the sound of water filling up a glass, and gladly took it when Natsume offered it to him.

"Thanks," he said, before drinking the wonderfully cold water in one gulp. "And sorry about just now. I scared you, didn't I…? Want some tea?"

"Hm, no need. I gotta go home and finish this as soon as possible," Natsume said, holding up his notebook where he'd found on a coffee table on the way inside.

"Oh, okay then. Sorry this had to happen, I just…" he sighed. "I don't know what went over me…"

"It's okay. You have your reasons. See you tomorrow, Homura."

"Em."

On his way back Natsume thought about Homura. How he acted when he saw that letter. What he did to the letter. Sure, he had caught a few evil words, but surely that wouldn't have enticed such a… twisted way of reacting… He knew there was something about Homura that would change what he thought of him completely if he knew the things hidden behind his sheepish smiles and seemingly-attempted simplicity.

He felt like there was a lot Homura wanted to hide, wanted to conceal from the world around him, as if by shutting it far away in the depths of his soul would make it nonexistent.

What Homura didn't know, however was how doing it just made Natsume guiltily want to know everything, in his way of wanting to help everyone he comes across.

Eh… Sorry it's been a long while. I have an important exam this year in two months and the trial in two weeks. So basically I gotta study a lot since… I've been doing nothing except draw and write and translate and watching new anime… Huhh… Out of 8 subjects I can only be confident about two so yeah, I'm in a crisis… I'll be able to update more regularly after this so I hope you guys will be patient… ^_^