A/N I'm so sorry. It's been over a month. I'm just so sorry.
This chapter is different, sort of heavy. I love you all and cherish every review/read/alert/everything.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee
"Thad," Kurt huffed, not opening his eyes, rolling over onto his side to get away from the person attempting to wake him up. "Thad… Thad, quit it, that tickles. Thad… Thaaaad!"
"Should I be concerned that you immediately assume your roommate is the one touching your thighs in the morning?"
The pale boy's eyes shot open at the voice. "Blaine?" Said boy was sitting on the edge of his bed, a teasing eyebrow raised. "Hi, babe… Merry Christmas," Kurt sleepily tugged his lips up into a smile, his eyes still partially closed, making his boyfriend grin fondly.
"Merry Christmas, baby," the curly-haired boy replied quietly, bending down to kiss Kurt's lips softly, and sighing as he did so. After pulling apart, Kurt scanned his boyfriend's face, smiling at the sight before inhaling a sharp breath and letting his mouth fall open, though an amused expression was present as he sat up.
"A-are – are those glasses?"
Blaine's hand flew up to tear the things from his face, tossing them to the floor and feigning confusion. "…What?" Kurt narrowed his eyes playfully at the deep blush covering the curly-haired boy's cheeks as he blinked rapidly.
"Would it ruin the mood if I just…violently vomited all over the both of you…?" Thad's voice interrupted their eye contact, both of them moving to face the dark-haired boy on the other side of the room, his head barely poking out of the covers. "Because, really. Seriously. This is way too much…" He gestured wildly around him, in the vague direction of the two boys, "cute for this fucking early in the morning…"
The two other boys sat in silence for a moment before Kurt forced a pleasant, fake smile on his face. "Merry Christmas to you too, Thad!"
"Yeah, yeah… Baby Jesus and all that shit…" Thad lazily rose from the bed, taking his comforter with him, and dragged himself out of the door, shutting it behind himself. The sound of another door closing a couple seconds later suggested he had entered Nick and Jeff's room.
"Someone's bitter," Blaine chuckled, following where Thad had left with his eyes. Kurt nodded, smiling, but was instead staring at his boyfriend's face intently.
"So, Blaine…"
"Mmmm?"
Kurt reached down to the ground to retrieve the glasses earlier discarded, and held them up, as though he had just found outstanding evidence.
Blaine laughed outright, and then rolled his eyes, nodding, and grabbed the frames from his boyfriend's hands. "Yeah, laugh it up… I usually don't wear them… Obviously."
Kurt quirked an eyebrow, his lips pursing slightly. "So… You wear contacts all the time?"
Again, the curly-haired boy laughed. "No. I mean – yeah, I sometimes wear contacts, but I don't have that many, so not all the time. Probably, like…half of the time. And I pretty much never wear these," he held up the glasses in reference before sliding them back onto his face, then motioned towards himself. "As I'm sure you can…understand."
The pale boy raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Um, you look fine, babe," he drew a hand from the other boy's cheek to brush over the frames lightly. "…You actually look pretty sexy in glasses…" He murmured and trailed off, his head tilting to the side as his mind wandered to a different place, an eyebrow cocking in sudden interest.
Blaine blinked for a second before he chuckled lowly, causing the hairs on the back of Kurt's neck to rise. "Well, thank you, but I was more thinking about the fact that they'd get smashed into my face in a matter of minutes if I wore them around this place…"
"Really."
"Yeah. Just ask your roommate." Blaine raised his eyebrows, his expression turning slightly more serious. At Kurt's look of questioning, he elaborated. "Ever noticed that little scar by the inside of one of his eyes?" The pale boy blinked in surprise, his gaze shifting to the empty bed absently.
"Oh," he breathed, frowning, thinking about all the time Thad spent reading in his free time, wondering if it was problematic for him if he was farsighted. "Being blind half of the time is better?" Kurt questioned a little more lightly, turning back to face the curly-haired boy.
"Mmmm," Blaine hummed, a smile tugging at his lips as he shifted on the bed to lean into the other boy, kissing him softly on the mouth, then pulled back slowly, his eyes opening to meet a pair of clear glasz ones. "I am perfectly capable of functioning without these things…"
Kurt's nose scrunched up slightly as he smiled, pulling the frames from his boyfriend's face, and tossing them in the direction of his bedside table. "Hmm, if you say so," and he kissed him again, this time not as lightly, and not as short-lived.
They fell down onto the pillows, Kurt beneath Blaine, both pretending to ignore the dull aches they still felt from their respective recent injuries, and began kissing fervently, arms tightly woven around each other. This continued for a brief amount of time, until Blaine came up to rest on his knees, a smile plastered on his face as he panted lightly.
"Mmmm," Kurt whined, reaching forward to grip his boyfriend's hips, pulling him back on top of him, eyes fluttering closed as he begin sucking on the boy's neck, all through Blaine's chuckled attempts of 'Kurt' as he pushed from his needy boyfriend again.
"Just hold on a second, okay?" the curly-haired boy said, searching the face in front of him for a reaction, getting only Kurt's bitch glare, slightly flushed from exertion, at which he laughed at. "I'm just – I, um…"
Blaine opened his mouth to continue, but decided against it, and began unzipping the hooded sweatshirt he was wearing.
Kurt breathed in sharply, a smile on his lips, watching the sight before him. "Yes. Okay, I'm okay with this," he made to push the hoodie from his boyfriend's shoulders, but was stopped by Blaine's hand on his.
"Jesus, Kurt," the boy laughed, but his face shifted to a more intrigued, hungry look, "I'm…liking how fucking eager you are today," he took a moment to run his fingers smoothly over the pale ones still on his shoulder.
At this, Kurt flushed a deep red, removing his hand slowly from beneath his boyfriend's. "I liked the glasses," he said very quietly, almost shyly.
Blaine simply grinned at this, but his expression turned slightly more determined as he continued what he was doing before. He dipped his hand under the flap of his open sweatshirt to his undershirt, which was a pajama shirt, but with a breast pocket, and reached inside. "I – um…" He blinked a few times, then looked up to his boyfriend, hesitating as he held out the small, unwrapped box. "I have something for you. It's not – you know," very nice, at all, "or…whatever, but… Here…"
Kurt blinked a few times, his mouth falling open at the sight, his eyes fixed on the small item. He quickly shifted his attention to the curly-haired boy. "B-Blaine… I didn't… I mean, I never got you anything—"
"No, I know, it's okay. I just… Just open it."
Kurt breathed out, gazing at the pure, hazel eyes and lifted the lid from the box.
Inside, there was a thin, woven bracelet. And on the small rope, a tiny metal charm, engraved in careful, even letters.
courage
Kurt said nothing, and did nothing, but stared intently at the gift, long after comprehending it and understanding it, but was stunned too far into silence to react. His eyebrows knotted tightly together.
The entire time, Blaine watched the face of his boyfriend, looking for a reaction, his own expression nervous and timid. Finally, when the pale boy had said nothing, he jumped in.
"I just – I knew how to – to weave hemp and I thought… And then, well, Jeff and Nick have this – these tools for hand engraving that they used to fuck people's keys up with and—"
"Courage?" Kurt finally broke from his trance, having a difficult time keeping his eyes from blinking feverishly, only the slightest tears present there. Blaine nodded slowly, his face unsure. The pale boy lifted a shaky hand to press onto the spot his boyfriend's tattoo was present. "Like…? Like the tattoo?"
The curly-haired boy only nodded again, then placed his own hand over the fair-skinned one on his chest. "Y-yeah… Because…you know… You said I'm your courage… But, you're mine too."
"Oh. My fucking. God!" Thad started laughing hysterically, and coughed through it, the small puffs of smoke from his cigarette coming out of his mouth with each frantic breath. "I can't even—"
"Right? Like, holy fuck! Look at that, bro!" Trent gestured to the phone in his hands, shaking his head and beginning to laugh as well, already having done so when he first discovered the video, but unable to control himself.
Wes glanced over from where he was sitting on a large leather chair with a look of curiosity-mixed-with-annoyance. "What are you guys watching?"
Just as the Asian boy was speaking, his roommate and Nick walked into the common room, exchanging amused glances at the two hysterical boys and also becoming curious.
Finally calming down his breathing, Thad began motioning them over. "You guys – you have to see this!"
The three boys crowded around the phone in Trent's hands, watching the screen that seemed to have a paused video on it, the image currently in-motion, rather blurry.
"Wait – whose phone is that?" David asked skeptically, pretty sure he already knew.
"Kurt's. Now seriously, you're gonna die," Trent replied, already beginning to chuckle in anticipation of what the video would bring.
He set it to the beginning of the video and tapped play.
"—are you doing?"
"It's so I can remember who I made out with."
A blonde, thin girl was fumbling with the camera, or phone, or whatever device the video was recorded on, and then it seemed to be settled down on a solid surface as the image stabilized. Once she moved away, a young Kurt was seen laying down on a couch, looking confused, directly at the camera, but then the blonde flopped on top of him, and he placed a tight smile in place and nodded, glancing uncertainly at her.
"O-okay, Britt… But…no one else but you will see this, right?"
"See what?"
"The video…"
She made a look of understanding. "Oh, right. No, I just don't always remember who I make out with, so I have to keep track…" With that, she trailed off and moved down to kiss him, and the younger – and very oddly-dressed, for that matter – Kurt looked around for a second, sort of panicky, before closing his eyes and attempting to go with the situation.
Everyone in the common room who was seeing the video for the first time let their mouths fall open at the sight, Thad and Trent already cracking up, tears beginning to form.
"What the fuck?" Nick stammered through a laugh, his eyes not leaving the small screen, and he leaned in closer.
Kurt squirmed awkwardly beneath the girl, pulling away slightly, then whispered something that wasn't audible on the camera, until the blonde shifted somewhat, adjusting their positions. For a few seconds or so, the two teens continued their kissing, until the blonde girl pulled back.
"That was awesome," she smiled, and reached down towards the camera, her hand blurring in front of the screen for a few moments before shutting it off.
By this point, all five of the Warblers in the common room were in stitches, gasping for breaths through their laughter. Wes made an odd, sort of fumbling gesture with his hands towards the phone, still giggling. "R-replay. Play it again—"
"What are you doing?"
Everyone whipped their heads in the direction of the entryway towards the sound of the higher-pitched voice, only to see both Kurt and Blaine giving them looks of suspicious and curiosity. At this, the five boys began laughing even more uncontrollably.
The curly-haired boy shifted his eyes to his boyfriend at this, and raised his pierced eyebrow, then dropped the pale boy's hand that he had been holding, moving to walk towards them all. "Seriously, what are—?"
"No, no, no! Kurt—! A-and the couch—!" Nick attempted through laughter, tugging the phone away from Trent and rolling over top of it onto his stomach. After this, a good 30 seconds passed as the boys all began to calm down from their hysterics, and Kurt carefully stepped over to approach the group, plopping his two bags down onto the ground near the entryway from the dorm rooms.
"Have you guys been drinking…?"
A few remaining giggles escaped from a few boys' mouths, and Thad cleared his throat, attempting a countering look. "Have you guys been screwing?"
Kurt burned a deep scarlet color and Blaine simply let a smile between goofy and suggestive fall onto his lips, leaning forward slightly, cocking an eyebrow. "Define screwing—"
"No, we have not been screwing… Blaine," Kurt rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, and pulled a hand through his hair, trying to rid his face of the blush.
Over break, or since they had progressed in their physical relationship, the two boys had spent some time experimenting with touch. They had unofficially designated a slot of time each morning for this kind of…experimentation and that current day was the day after Christmas, the last day they would spend together for a while, so it was absolutely no exception.
"B-but, um," Kurt continued, trying to change the subject, "what were you guys looking at before…?" He trailed off, thinking back to when him and Blaine first walked in, then narrowed his eyes at the boys. "Wait – that was my phone, wasn't it? None of you guys have iPhones! I was looking for that!"
All he got in response was scattered snickers, and Blaine raising his eyebrow in both curiosity and suspicion.
"You guys, seriously. Give it. Who has it? Trent? Trent," Kurt narrowed his eyes at the bigger teen, attempting his best bitch glare that Trent only sputtered a laugh at.
"Bro, I don't have it!"
"Trent."
"Nick has it!"
Kurt shifted his gaze to the dark-haired boy, who was lying awkwardly on his stomach, giving Kurt a slightly nervous look. "I-I don't… Oh, whatever," he rolled off the device and tossed it up to Kurt, who caught it easily.
The fair-skinned boy raised an eyebrow and gave the group of boys one last threatening look before unlocking the phone, and when he saw the contents open on the screen, he blanched. "Oh… Oh god," he sighed, defeated, dropping his face into his free hand.
"What?" Blaine questioned, coming to stand behind Kurt to look at the phone. When unable to see it properly, he went to grab it from the taller boy, but Kurt sharply took in a breath and twisted away from his boyfriend.
"No, no, no. You—! You are not seeing this video, Mr. Anderson." The curly-haired boy looked like a kicked puppy.
"What! Video? But, babe—!"
"How did you guys even get this?" Kurt cut him off, directing the question mostly towards Nick, who looked horrified.
Thad rolled his eyes. "You left it just sitting in your room while you were fucking B—"
"Not fucking—"
"Yeah, yeah. Jerking, sucking…fucking, whatever you guys get up to all the time… And so I just grabbed it…"
Kurt blinked a few times, firstly because he was trying to get the word sucking out of his mind when it included Blaine, and also because he was trying to understand what he was being told. "Okay, first. Wow. On the whole respecting of privacy? Yeah, not okay. Also, the phone I sort of figured… I was more wondering about the video… Because I know I deleted that a while ago when I first got it sent to me…"
Thad raised an eyebrow and lit up another cigarette, taking a few puffs before answering. "Well, I was just wanted something to fuck around with because iPhones are supposed to be the shit and everything… But then Trent said something about how you have all these pictures of hot chicks everywhere, so he took it," Thad waved a lazy hand in the direction of the other teen, "and then, I don't know? You found it on there, or something?"
"No, some girl started texting you, and then she sent the video."
At this, Kurt looked slightly alarmed, but also confused. "I – Britt? Brittany texted me?" He immediately ran through his recent messages, and, sure enough, there were two texts from the ditzy blonde.
kurttt :] sum1 askd who was the best kisser i told them u rember wen we made out? – B
kuuuurrrrtt dont u? here look! [vid0003443 – download attachment] – B
Kurt groaned, his eyes falling shut. "Brittany…"
Blaine approached his boyfriend again, placing a hand on the pale boy's shoulder. "Babe, you're kinda freaking me out. What's the video of?"
He let out a sigh as the others in the room chuckled, and dejectedly handed the device to his boyfriend. "Laugh away. They'd tell you anyway…"
Blaine's facial expression shifted multiple times as he watched the short clip, ranging from shocked to almost-amused to confused to…horrified? "Wow. Fuck, Kurt," the restrained laughter was evident in his voice. "You… Okay – and what were you wearing?"
Kurt blinked and furrowed his eyebrows together. "Those were my straight clothes. It was a weird time… I was trying to be…straight for my dad…"
There was a moment of somewhat awkward, maybe-pitiful silence until Wes snorted, shaking his head. "I think you were doing it wrong. You still looked really…gay."
Maybe it could have been taken offensively, but it wasn't. And everyone started laughing, even Kurt and Blaine.
After a few minutes of follow-up conversation and Kurt doing his best to attempt to explain the situation, he announced that he probably needed to call Finn to remind him where the exit was to get to Dalton, because the boy always seemed to forget.
"I'm gonna miss you," Blaine breathed into Kurt's ear as he embraced the other tightly, his arms heavy around the pale boy's neck.
"Oh, you'll be fine without me," Kurt teased, pressing a soft kiss to his boyfriend's neck, relishing in the way it made him tense up slightly, as though it tickled. Blaine leaned in closer, so his mouth was only centimeters away from Kurt's ear.
"I'm gonna miss our mornings, though…" And he very gently nibbled against the pale boy's earlobe, making him giggle.
"Well!" Kurt pulled away, partly to tease, but also because he would get turned on way too fast if this continued. "Good thing you're well-acquainted with your right hand!" Kurt reached down to grab said hand and pressed it into his boyfriend's chest, earning a chuckle from him as well as the boys near that overheard. Kurt smiled. "I'm gonna go call Finn…" He tilted his head to the side, studying the curly-haired boy's gentle face. "I wish you didn't have to stay here for break, Blaine…"
He suddenly realized the implications of what he had just said, but too late. That the statement suggested Blaine going back to his family, which was obviously still a sore spot from the recent week. Instead of trying to apologize or say anything at all, Kurt leaned forward to capture his lips in a brief, sweet kiss and gave a small, unsure smile, turning to walk towards the other side of the room with his phone in hand.
The silence that followed implied the other Warblers near them had overheard, and understood the statement in the same fashion.
"B…" Wes began carefully, almost expecting the curly-haired boy to cut him off, telling him to 'drop it' or 'stop'. Instead, Blaine said nothing, taking a seat on the carpet beside David and Wes, though not making eye contact. So the Asian boy continued. "Why…didn't you ever tell us about your brother?"
The curly-haired boy furrowed his eyebrows together, letting his eyes narrow in thought for a moment. "I'm assuming you think the fact that he's a raging homophobe isn't enough reason?" It wasn't said with attitude, more a mix of curiosity and seriousness.
At this, a few of the others made eye contact and Trent shrugged, blinking a few times. "My sister's a total bitch. I mean, my whole family pretty much hasn't talked to me since I was sent here, but I never said that any of them didn't exist."
Blaine nodded, absently pulling a cigarette from where he had his pack tucked in his jacket's inner-pocket, putting it in his mouth but not moving to light it. "He just – We never, never had any kind of…decent relationship. Ever," he mumbled around the stick in his mouth, rolling his eyes as he went to light it, taking a long drag. "And one time, one of you guys – I don't remember who – said something like 'you're an only child, right?'" He shrugged, his eyes darting between those around him. "And I was just like… 'Yep.' I just didn't see him as anything important to acknowledge... And with Renny, it just made everything worse, and more complicated. I didn't want to be associated with either of them."
After a few moments of silence, David tilted his head slightly, trying to see more of his curly-haired friend's face. "Um… I get that, and everything. But…you know you don't have to do that, right? We know now, and we don't think any different of you."
Hearing the end of this, Kurt wandered back to the occupied area of the room and without saying anything, sat behind his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around Blaine's chest, resting his chin on the boy's shoulder as he attempted to pick up on the conversation.
"And also, even if we did know before, we would have been able to see that you're not like Renny, or whatever... We've all been around shitty people in our lives," Nick reasoned, pausing briefly before he let out a short laugh. "I mean, obviously. Or else none of us would be here at all..."
Blaine and a few others let out soft chuckles, Kurt simply grinning into his boyfriend's shoulder from behind, tightening his hold on the boy, "You act like we're not all bad influences on each other," the pale boy countered with a smirk. "I'm pretty sure I've done worse things since I've been here than I ever did before…"
There was a short moment of light laughter, but then Blaine twisted around in Kurt's arms, facing him with a raised eyebrow as Blaine dropped his mostly-unused cigarette into the cup beside Thad. "Really."
"…Really." At his boyfriend's seemingly surprised look, Kurt narrowed his eyes teasingly.
Blaine pulled away entirely, crossing his arms playfully and smiling. "Like what? I mean – yeah, okay, aside from the LSD probably."
Kurt let out a little laugh. "Yeah, the LSD… And I never smoked before I was here… I didn't drink really… Well, I got drunk at school once and threw up on my guidance counselor…" He shrugged when the others chuckled. "But…yeah, I guess I just do more stuff here than back home…" Like breaking into an abandoned building to get wasted…or moaning like a whore while a curly-haired, tattooed, pierced boy jerks me off in his bed while his roommate's in the shower…
He smiled with a faint blush as he looked at Blaine and jumped violently when his phone rang.
"H-hello?" Kurt cleared his throat when his voice came out sounding sort of breathy and low.
"Kurt?"
"Yes?"
"Oh, I just – it didn't sound like you, um… I'm near the school… Should I just come to the office place?"
"Mmmm," Kurt eyed his surroundings, seeing his two bags he had repacked. "Just come through there to the common area… You remember where that is, right?"
"Yeah. Okay… Okay, I'll be there soon. Bye."
"Bye…" Kurt ended the call and stared blankly at the screen for a moment before turning to his friends. "He's almost here."
Everyone gave the customary nods and looks of accepting the situation, even if they didn't want to see Kurt go.
Blaine pursed his lips to the side and scooted on his knees to be between Kurt's legs where they were sitting on the floor. He ran his hands up the pale boy's thighs, just looking at his eyes, realizing this would be the first time they'd be apart since they'd become an official couple. "I wish I had nudes of you to jerk off to until you come back," he laughed quietly, actually ducking his head in embarrassment of his blunt confession and Kurt's scandalized look.
"Shush, you. What did you do before we started…?" Kurt trailed off, the unspoken words obvious. He pulled his boyfriend close to him, so they were embracing.
"Well, let's see. I'd masturbate to my imagined version of you naked… And when I didn't do that, I had wet dreams about you and would wake up and have to wash my sheets."
"Blaine!" Kurt gasped at his boyfriend's lack of attempt to lower his voice, glancing at the others near them to see the boys hiding snickers.
"True story," Trent piped up, and Blaine shrugged, nodding.
"Blaine," he laughed, but trailed off to giggles when his boyfriend gave him a sweet smile, staring into his eyes for a few moments. They sat in silence for a few beats and Kurt tilted his head to the side slightly, just gazing at the depth of hazel before him. "Kiss me."
And Blaine did. And he ran a hand up the length of Kurt's side, but when it moved up his neck and further to tangle in the pale boy's chestnut hair—
"Uh, uh, uh—" Kurt removed the hand immediately, pulling away from the lip contact. "I'm trying to look put-together today. I don't want my parents to think I've completely let myself go since I've gotten thrown into this place… I need to at least pretend to try to keep up my image," he huffed, smirking and trailing his fingers along the hand of Blaine's he grabbed.
"Your image…? How will your parents feel when they discover your latest accessory?" Blaine grabbed the back of Kurt's neck and pulled him into another kiss, slipping his tongue into the other's mouth, and running it along until he came across a certain metal bar—
"Mmmm," Kurt moaned in both pleasure and annoyed realization, breaking the kiss. "Oh god, you're right. My dad would freak. I didn't even think about it…"
Blaine smiled, then shrugged, playing with a button on Kurt's jacket and focusing on it until shifting his eyes up to meet the clear glasz ones in front of him. "I don't think you have anything to worry about… You're not one of those people that clacks it a bunch, and unless you decide to go and make out with your immediate family…" The curly-haired boy trailed off, raising his pierced eyebrow with a grin.
"Oh my god," Kurt groaned with a smile, but pulled his boyfriend down on top of him with a smirk, lying on the carpet. "You're lucky you're hot…" When the curly-haired boy gave a silly, toothy grin and raised an eyebrow, Kurt began lightly tickling his sides with the tips of his fingers, causing Blaine to squirm instantly, choking out laughs. He pinned his boyfriend's pale hands down above his head to cease the action and leaned in for a deep kiss.
"And you're lucky you have a big cock," Blaine countered when he pulled back, earning a chuckle from Kurt.
When the surrounding boys burst out into laughter – not the kind of light giggles they might let out due to merely overhearing Blaine's comment, but full-on hysterics – both Kurt and Blaine turned to look at them, seeing them all faced towards the entryway of the common room.
Kurt shimmied out from beneath his boyfriend and sucked in a sharp breath upon seeing his stepbrother staring wide-eyed at the scene before him. "Hi, Finn," the pale boy breathed lightly, smiling pleasantly, brushing delicately through his hair with his fingers.
The tall teen blinked a few times before slowly approaching the group of boys, five of which were hiding their smirks. "I, uh…" He flashed a brief glance towards Blaine, who was helping Kurt up from the floor, then to his brother, who he narrowed his eyes at questioningly. "Did he just say…?"
"That Kurt is hung like a horse? Apparently. None of us needed to be aware of that fact, either," Wes muttered with a raised eyebrow, not taking his eyes away from the cards he had at some point brought out and was beginning to deal.
Finn blinked at the bluntness and turned to Kurt, then decided against it, now having disturbing mental images of the boy, so he made a strangled, uncomfortable sound and looked to the floor, closing his eyes, feeling awkward. "Oh god, I – okay, uh, let's just – let's go," he mumbled, ignoring the laughter in the room and moving to grab Kurt's duffel, leaving the smaller shoulder bag for him to carry.
Kurt watched this all with a mix of amusement and humiliation.
Finn wouldn't say anything to Dad, would he…?
"Okay, hold on a second, Finn." Kurt strode quickly to where his bag was and picked it up, securing the strap over his shoulder, then coming back to face Blaine, his cheeks suddenly heating up, knowing there was an expected goodbye. "I, uh… I'll see you soon, okay?"
The curly-haired boy bit his lip and nodded, reaching out to grasp the other's hand, looking into the eyes he wouldn't see for over a week. "Yeah," he spoke quietly – or more so breathed – but he knew Kurt was able to hear him. "I love you," Blaine said finally, smirking a little, because he knew they were both sort of waiting to say it as a part of their parting.
Kurt flushed just the slightest bit, and smiled. "Love you, too," he all but whispered back, and leaned down slightly to reach the other boy's lips, closing his eyes into a long, languid kiss, sighing when he felt Blaine smile into it.
After breaking apart, Blaine was hardly able to open his eyes before he felt the pale boy's arms tightly around him, and he breathed in deeply. Pulling away, Kurt gave him one last smile, and mouthed 'I'll miss you,' before turning to the others in the room. "I'll see you guys later," he called out lightly, giving a small wave.
At this, Nick jumped up and ran over to Kurt, embracing him with such force that the fair-skinned boy struggled to breath. "Oh, babe! Oh, Kurt! Bye Kurt! I'm gonna miss you!" Nick cried, somewhere between dramatic and sarcastic, then pulled away. He had a fake-pained expression on his face. "I love you!" And then he moved in as though to kiss the pale boy, mocking the scene that had just occurred between the two boyfriends, but Blaine yanked the back of his shirt, throwing him to the ground, earning a laugh from Kurt.
"Screw off, Nick," Blaine laughed, then turned to his boyfriend again, his eyes soft but with a hint of amusement still behind them. "Bye, babe."
"Bye," Kurt said, his tone one of finality, and leaned to peck Blaine on the lips again quickly, smiling, then turned to meet Finn at the entryway, walking away and out of sight from the six delinquents in the room.
The pale boy sighed, looking down into the foamy contents of his beer, raising an eyebrow in amusement, remembering the last time he had gotten drunk. On Christmas Eve, the boys from Dalton had decided to celebrate. Needless to say, interesting things ensued…
Kurt's phone vibrated in his pocket and he glanced over to the group of teenagers that used to be his whole world, seeing them laughing over something he probably wasn't a part of. He understood that, because Finn was practically forced to stay by his side while their parents were away for New Year's, it made sense to have the party at their house. It was just horribly uncomfortable.
He had literally picked up two beers and placed himself in the corner of the room. The basement that had been modeled more clearly into a rec room during the month he'd been back at Dalton. He hadn't spoken to any of the New Directions the entire night, save for when he asked Finn if he could mix himself a drink from the supplies Puck brought. When the taller teen stared dumbly at the amount of alcohol his stepbrother was consuming, and when those around him looked at the pale boy questioningly, he ended up foregoing the mixed drink and snatching up another beer, which left him where he was currently.
Iiiiie7777k7899,,.~mk ll; – B
He raised an eyebrow in question and amusement and let a silent chuckled bubble in his chest, seeing the jumbled text message from his boyfriend. Either Blaine had just butt-texted him, or was completely wasted. Or both.
Though the fact that he had a slide-out keyboard on his phone would make it hard to send such a message on accident. Kurt figured it would be a good idea to text back, to be safe…
Uhhh…haha? You okay, babe? – K
"Hey."
Kurt glanced up from the message he was sending, slightly startled by the noise, as he had just looked up to the group not a minute ago to check them. Finn was standing at a slight distance from him, his head tilted down to try to catch Kurt's eye.
"…Hello…Finn," Kurt answered blankly, staring at his stepbrother, looking at him expectantly.
"We, um… We're gonna d-do the – over here, we're gonna, um— So… Um, you—? Do you want to come over here?"
Kurt's eyebrows shot up. Jesus.
Finn was so drunk…
"…You…want me to go over there?" He chanced a quick glance to where the others were laughing and dancing to the music sloppily. "…Are you sure…?" Kurt questioned with a raised eyebrow, to which his stepbrother only nodded and half-smiled.
"Yeah, dude, it'll – it's fine. They were like – like 'why's Kurt over there?' so I came over here to…get you," Finn slurred slightly, gesturing back towards the other teens, and Kurt sighed and stood up, noticing his legs felt a little wobbly from the alcohol.
As soon as the fair-skinned boy took his place standing on the outskirts of the mass of people, he regretted following his stepbrother's suggestion immediately. All eyes – blurry and drunk as they may be – turned towards him, looking somewhere between confused and timid, like they thought he might explode at any moment.
And, considering everything, that wasn't an unrealistic concern.
During the next couple of minutes, most conversation ceased, though the teens tried to pull it off as though nothing had changed, attempting to continue dancing and moving. Quinn made eye contact with Kurt and glanced away immediately, taking a drink from her cup as to occupy herself somehow while the pale boy stepped to the nearby table where the alcohol was.
This was painful.
And Kurt took a shot every time he felt uncomfortable.
"Y-you guys," Kurt finally spoke (maybe slurred), sighing loudly.
Everyone turned to where he was leaning against the makeshift bar, an empty bottle of something in his hand, as he swayed just slightly.
"You guys, we can't pretend w-we were never friends, you know?" As the teens sort of stood and stared at him, shocked he had spoken at all, Kurt continued, "I know – I know, that's my fault for trying to…to cut you guys out, or…w-whatever… When I yelled at you…at Sectionals. But…we can't pretend it's still June and I haven't been gone for half a year! We… We need to talk about what happened…"
Silence.
Regretting he had said anything, Kurt turned to the alcohol spread out across the table, looking for something to replace the empty bottle in his hands, when a timid voice broke through his drunken haze.
"I was scared," Tina all but whispered, but as the music had been turned off, she was heard. "Of you… For you… It's like you weren't the same person anymore…"
The pale boy stared at her for a moment, trying to clear up his brain from the intoxication. "I'm not…" He spoke softly, moving to sit down on one of the couches present in the room, and everyone followed, taking places around him and on the carpeted floor. "W-well, I am, but…a different version of myself…"
His words hung heavy in the air and no one spoke for a solid couple minutes.
"Clearly," Santana drawled, smirking, "I mean, between the amount of vodka you've downed tonight and that hickey on your neck, I can hardly recognize you anymore…"
Kurt's mouth fell open slightly at her words and smug look, and he had to restrain himself from letting his hand fly up to the mark on his neck. He mouthed words, but nothing seemed to come out.
"But, in a good way. It's like you're Hummel, but less of a prude…" She turned to Puck, drunken smile all over her face. "Totally knew he'd be gettin' some."
"I was never a prude…!" Kurt mentally rolled his eyes at his own childish, non-convincing response, wondering how the hell Santana still got to him when she said things like that, but liking it, too. It was like their relationship didn't change, even after everything...
A few chuckles erupted throughout the group of kids, and Kurt felt some of the tension melt away, like maybe something was being fixed, instead of ignored. But his cheeks still heated up at the thought of the mark on his neck, and his friends who always thought of him as completely virginal and he wondered what they thought about him getting down with a guy they didn't know.
Damn Blaine and his hickey-giving obsession! This thing had been going strong for nearly a week…
He heard a few more giggles and realized he had absently covered the patch of skin with his hand, his blush deep on his cheeks, but his lips twitched up at the corners despite himself.
"And hey! I wasn't – this isn't a hickey! It's – a bruise! I'm not getting anything."
Kurt made good on his promise to talk about what happened. He tried to calmly discuss the overview of the events that took place in the past six months, while…leaving out certain things. He thought of it as catching up with friends that he had moved away from, regardless of the reasons. He could have been talking about new towns and people that he had met in school, even if he was actually discussing holding cell regulations and a court-assigned roommate.
He didn't talk about the rape. He didn't talk about the…killing, because it involved talking about the rape. He couldn't. Not with them. Not yet.
"Basically… All he does is sit around and read Shakespeare…and smoke," Kurt laughed, but cut himself short seeing the slightly confused looks of his friends, who were slowly becoming more sober in the couple or so hours since they'd begun talking.
"Around you? Kurt, y-your voice—"
"—is fine… Rachel, I'm around it so much… I mean, I know it's bad for me, but what am I supposed to do? Not be around my roommate and my friends and my – Blaine?" he finished awkwardly, not exactly knowing how to jump out and say 'Remember that ex-drug-addict guy that I totally said I wasn't dating? Well, now we're boyfriends and we get it on all the time!'
"…Is he your Blaine?" Mercedes smirked, taking a sip of water from a bottle of water, then let her face get more serious as Kurt took his time to respond. They had all seen the way they acted around each other at Sectionals, and Finn might have told them about their interaction, but no one knew how serious it was between them.
Kurt blinked, smiling just faintly and nodding. "…Yes. We're… I mean, we're official, so…"
There was a combination of surprised looks and impressed looks. Before anyone could say anything, he continued.
"I – he's clean. He hasn't touched the stuff since a while before Thanksgiving… And he's really…" He trailed off, blinking a few times thoughtfully. "I really love him…" Kurt all but whispered the last part, averting eye contact with everyone in the room. When silence lingered, he finally looked back up to the others, seeing their faces completely bewildered.
Finally, Rachel broke the silence. "Kurt… Are you sure?" The pale boy sighed and had to resist rolling his eyes, wondering why he wasn't already anticipating this kind of response. Of course they would be skeptical... At his reaction, Rachel rushed to continue. "I-It's just that – Well, you haven't known him for very long and I know you guys hook up or whatever, but that's not love and—"
"I'm in love with him." He shrugged, one side of his mouth twitching up at the thought. "And he's in love with me… Just because our lives have both ended up how they have, it doesn't mean we…don't fall in love…"
And finality. And so the conversation shifted. To lighter topics.
And the group that used to be so close to the countertenor tried to take everything for what it was. As easily as they could.
"I'm pretty sure he's the only other one – I mean, besides me, I guess – that actually ever goes home for holidays and stuff…" Kurt's eyebrows furrowed together in thought, then he nodded slowly. "Yeah, like, he was the only other one that did for Thanksgiving…and now, too. David, Wes's roommate? Yeah, he has a brother that I guess he's sort of close with, but—" Kurt cut himself off as his phone started vibrating in his pocket. "Hold on."
The pale boy looked down, seeing that Blaine was calling him. Curious, and remembering that he hadn't ever received a reply message from the boy, he made to answer it. "Blaine?"
"…Yes, sexy man?" Blaine's slurred speech. And a giggle.
Kurt blinked, sort of surprised, then smiled. "You… You sound severely intoxicated," he laughed, having a slightly difficult time himself pronouncing all the words in his still-not-entirely-sober state.
"Ahhhh, Kurt. I jus' got your text – 'm sorry – I wanted to talk to you earlier…" Blaine sounded genuinely apologetic, and there was a loud sound in the background and a few bouts of resulting laughter from who Kurt could only assume were some of the other boys that stayed. "So…what're– what're you up to, baby?"
Kurt grinned at his boyfriend's compromised speech and glanced around himself, where mostly everyone was watching him talk with mild curiosity. "Just…hanging out with—" What? With his friends? With his old friends? "—everyone from my old glee club… And not drinking as much as you, obviously," the pale boy giggled, and could practically picture the look on his curly-haired love's face, all sloppy and fuzzy from the alcohol.
"Mmm, Kurt I miss you, I—"
"Kurt, put him on speaker!" Quinn suggested enthusiastically and was followed by a few encouraging cheers and agreeing whoops, loud enough to drown out Blaine's voice from being audible in Kurt's ear.
"Okay, okay!" He tapped the speaker button and soon the room was filled with the drunken slurs of one Blaine Anderson.
"—were, like, y'know? You – D-do you remember that…that night, Kurt? Ah, Kurt, I miss you…"
The fair-skinned boy let out a low chuckle, realizing his boyfriend had been speaking the entire time. "I miss you too, Blaine," he smiled, looking up in amusement to the others in the room, who smirked as well.
"I… I wish I could…be with you…f-for New Year's…"
A few of the girls in the room mouthed 'awww' and a few of the guys raised eyebrows in question to the sappiness.
"Aww, Blaine, we can kiss when we see each other again and just…pretend…it's midnight on New Year's?" Kurt giggled at his own corny joke, but then there was silence on the other end of the line, except for the quiet breathing. "B-Blaine…? You know…because people kiss at midnight?"
Still more silence, then:
"…Kiss at midnight…? S-screw kissing at midnight. Babe, if you were here, I – I'd totally wreck you at mid—"
And Kurt hung the call up, his eyes as wide as they went. And there was silence in the room, and the pale – well, now red – boy refused to make any sort of eye contact. He felt horrified, but also felt the incredible urge to smack his palm against his forehead.
"I feel like your argument of not getting anything is being poorly supported…" Artie mumbled with a smile from his place on the side of the room near a couch where a few of the guys were sitting.
Kurt snapped his head up and looked at the boy, and opened his mouth as though some kind of valid, reasonable argument against that statement would tumble out from it, but instead just sighed and nodded. "Yeah…I… I'm just…gonna call him back…" And he left the room to head up the stairs, this time an embarrassed grin on his face, and once out of sight from the others, Kurt actually face-palmed.
"You awake?" Blaine croaked out quietly from the doorway, his voice hoarse from the obscene amounts of overly loud talking and impromptu singing he had done the previous night. Thad didn't stir in the bed, and the curly-haired boy watched his steady breathing and determined he was sleeping.
He closed the door quietly and walked to the next door over, opening it tentatively when he heard footsteps shuffling around inside. He spotted Nick rummaging around in his bedside table drawer and pulling out a small bottle – Aspirin, most likely.
"Hey," Blaine greeted in a hushed tone, getting the dark-haired boy's attention.
"Hey…" Nick replied softly, a grin taking over his face that could only be described as saying 'Last night was insane.' And Blaine returned it. "Here, man," The dark-haired boy offered two small pills to his friend, and they both swallowed them dry, blinking dazedly through their hungover-fogged minds.
Blaine glanced briefly to the semi-made bed that belonged to Nick's blonde roommate and sat down on it, noticing the look he was getting from the other boy out of the corner of his eye. "It's weird not having them around after usually seeing them all the time… Jeff and Kurt, I mean," Blaine offered, thinking maybe he was picking up on the thoughts of the other boy.
Nick simply nodded, taking a seat on his own bed, and silence engulfed them for a few moments, until he broke it. "Ah, man. Last night really was crazy, wasn't it? It's weird… Last year went by really fast."
Blaine chuckled quietly, his body moving slightly as he lowered down to the bed onto his back. "Right? A lot has changed since then…" He let out a short laugh. "Happy New Year, man…" The curly-haired boy said almost sarcastically and smiled, eyeing Nick with a mischievous expression.
"Dude… Happy Birthday Month. This shit's gonna be awesome," Nick murmured tiredly through a laugh, and let himself fall onto the bed with a sigh, stretching his legs down until they reached the end of the mattress.
They lazily bro-fisted with smirks the best they could from their positions on opposite beds, straining to make it work.
The two boys sat in content silence for a few minutes as they attempted to think coherently through their not-entirely-clear heads. Blaine absently skimmed his fingers over the spot on his T-shirt where the tattoo lay underneath, humming a random tune as he did so.
Nick opened his eyes that had at some point closed and took in this behavior, realizing he'd never seen his curly-haired friend the way he was around Kurt. The way he let himself care and didn't try as hard to hide himself.
"You miss him?" Nick observed, watching as Blaine sighed and stilled his hand over his heart.
"Mmmm. Mmhmm…" Blaine hummed a response, his eyes falling shut. He paused. "You miss him?" He mumbled. And there was no question of who he was referring to.
Nick blinked and nodded slowly, even though the curly-haired boy couldn't see it with his eyes closed. "Well, yeah… But… But it's different. With us. It's not like…you know… Like it is with you and Kurt…"
Blaine tried to hide the side of his lip that twitched up at the response, and resumed the light grazing of his fingers over his tattoo, and nodded. "Okay," and he continued humming.
"We're not saying you need to get rid of them entirely—"
"Yes we are. Yes…we are," Kurt cut Mercedes off, eyeing Rachel's latest atrocity of attire hanging on the back of his chair from when they changed into their comfortable clothes. She insisted on calling it a sweater, but all Kurt saw was something with too many colors and small mammals. His critical eye shifted to her face, where she was pouting and looking offended as Mercedes and Tina exchanged silent giggles. Before she could open her mouth to respond though, Kurt motioned for her to come nearer to him. "Let me do your eyebrows before you put the mask on."
She did as she was told and within in time, her brows were sculpted and the four of them were sporting mint face masks, something Kurt had seemingly forgot about since it'd become impossible in his time away, but used to love to indulge in before his life turned upside down.
"It was fun, I guess… I basically just felt really stupid and hungry, though," Kurt shrugged, his eyes far away as he remembered smoking. "It was interesting because everything…" Like making out with my boyfriend? "felt really cool… Different…"
Tina and Mercedes nodded, and Rachel looked up from doing the Asian girl's hair, all of them smiling sort of tightly, eyes unsure and not entirely sincere, none of them responding.
Sometimes he could sit and feel like things could drift into the normal range of how they acted around each other, like when they did face masks and watched movies, but sometimes it was painfully obvious how much they had drifted away and changed from each other. There were times like these that Kurt felt this huge wedge between himself and his old life, and it was strange. Looking down at what he was now somehow separate from.
But it wasn't too hard to figure out how to get back.
"Seriously, though. I ate doughnuts…and drank soda! …Non-diet soda!" He exclaimed, and the girls finally all cracked smiles, giggling at this, and he made a mental note to avoid things that made the gap between them obvious.
They headed to Finn's room to see what he, Puck, Sam, and Mike were up to.
They were playing video games.
Still.
There was some of the nonfat, white cheddar popcorn that Kurt had requested in a bowl so he plopped down on a couch there and grabbed it, taking a few pieces and placing them in his mouth carefully, not wanting to crack his mask he had so meticulously applied. His skin would thank him for it.
The boys paused their game and chatted briefly with the girls, and Kurt just observed, feeling as though it was akin to watching a television show or Facebook-stalking someone you didn't know too well. But it didn't feel like this – these topics, and conversations, and people – were his life. Not anymore.
But it was okay. Because it wasn't expected to be anymore. He would visit and see them, and catch up. And it would be fine.
His phone vibrated in his pajama pants pocket, and he looked down to see his boyfriend calling him. Who else?
"Hello?"
"Hey, Kurt."
"Hi, babe," the pale boy smiled and turned away from the rest of the group slightly, not wanting to parade his conversation to the rest of the teens. He didn't catch the exchange of eyebrow-raising and questioning looks at the use of the pet name.
"So… You're coming home tomorrow, right?"
"Mmhmm…" And he almost – almost – didn't catch that he immediately accepted Dalton as home, but realized it at the last moment.
"Okay…" And there was a pause. "I just miss you. I know I keep calling a shit ton," he laughed. "Sorry if I'm bugging you."
"No, no. I like hearing from you… I miss you, too," he mumbled with a small smile, knowing that Puck was probably rolling his eyes at the sappiness. "Did you get more wasted after I talked to you last night? You seemed barely conscious and it was only around midnight when I got off…"
There was a low chuckle on the other end of the line. "I'm both proud and ashamed to say there was more drinking after I talked to you… I didn't get up until about 3 p.m. today and the hall was practically silent… Everyone is so hungover."
Kurt giggled at this and blinked, getting a swell of emotion of just wanting to see Blaine again. "Well, take some Tylenol or Aspirin or something for it and get some rest… Or have a Bloody Mary," he shrugged, letting out another light laugh, earning a responding one from his boyfriend.
"Yeah, maybe… We're waiting for you two to get back before we kick off Birthday Month, but having something to take the edge off might be nice… Well, look. I'm gonna let you go so you can get back to your…whatever it is you're up to. I don't want to keep you."
"Facials… And eating popcorn… And have a drink for me, okay? I miss you. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay. Love you. Bye."
"Love you, too… Bye."
He hung up and looked to the group who had more or less gone back to their own conversations or interests. And maybe the old Kurt would never have laughed at drunken shenanigans. And maybe he wouldn't have recommended alcohol to cure a hangover or suggested having a drink in his honor. Maybe the old Kurt wouldn't have told an ex-heroin addict he met at a reform school that he loved him.
But he accepted the change. And that felt good.
"Kurt?"
The pale boy glanced up from his packed bags to the doorway, where Burt was poking his head in, an unreadable look on his face. Without waiting for a real response, the man walked in and took a seat on his son's bed.
"What's going on?" Kurt suddenly felt nervous, like he was about to be scolded or told some kind of bad news. He and his father had exchanged a brief moment arguing over him not being home for Christmas, but after explaining where his priorities were due to Blaine's situation with his brother, his father had understood. Or at least agreed to disagree. Because he sort of had to.
Another thing Kurt had noticed was that his relationship with his dad felt less like a father-son one and more like that of two adults. He was growing up, so to speak, and being on his own had caused his father's word to mean less. Once again, it was a change, but along with many of the changes he was seeing in himself and his life, Kurt felt it was okay.
"…Finn told me about how things are between you and that Blaine kid," Burt started slowly, his eyes narrowing in a way that implied he wanted to be taken seriously.
And oh god. Finn had told his dad about Blaine's comment about his… Oh god.
Kurt nodded, raising his chin slightly and sat down beside his dad. "We're…dating now…"
His dad ran a hand over his cheek and nodded his head slowly. "He, uh… He said he overheard something that made him think you two were…getting serious? In a physical way?"
Kurt narrowed his eyes and mentally cursed his stepbrother. Really, Finn? Really?
"Hey, now. Don't get upset at your brother… I'm the one that was asking about things between you boys… Last time we talked you didn't have a clear answer on where you two stood… Things have changed?"
Once again, Kurt nodded, this time his eyes finding the ceiling. "I love him," he breathed out softly and could feel his father tense beside him. "And…we like to express that to each other…"
"…So…then you two are, uh…?"
Kurt shifted his gaze to meet his father's. "Not…" But then he decided against it, seeing the man's piercing gaze, and averted his eyes again "…properly. We're not…going all the way," he rushed the words out, blushing deeply and waving his hand dismissively, feigning nonchalance.
There were a few moments of painful silence and Kurt heard his dad sigh heavily. So heavily, in fact, that he turned his eyes to see his father's expression, finding it twisted in thought, causing him to furrow his own eyebrows together in confusion.
"I just… I know I never talked to you about…about sex, Kurt…and…after everything…" His father's face fell and he brought one hand up to his forehead, and Kurt was sure the man was close to breaking down.
"Dad," he whispered, scooting closer to him. "It… It wouldn't have mattered either way… It's not like I was… It's not like I had the option of using protection or being safe when I…" He trailed off, seeing his words had caused his dad's face to crumple, and tears were discreetly leaking from his eyes. Kurt swallowed hard at this sight, and felt the own heat building behind his eyes.
"I just… I didn't want the first time you really learned about – about how things happened between two people to be that way. It shouldn't have been that way, Kurt," Burt looked into his son's eyes, clear concern and sorrow present there. "You had never heard of Syphilis before one of those men gave it to you," and this time there was a growl of anger behind his voice, and Kurt's chest shook when a sob bubbled through him at the words. "I should have talked to you first… I… I put it off because I didn't know how to talk to you because of… Because you're gay…"
"Dad…"
"And because of that, you had no idea what was happening to you… It was bad enough just happening… I wish it wasn't how you had to learn about those things, too…"
The two embraced and Kurt had a déjà vu of the day he came out to his father, just being held this way. All previous thoughts of the abandoned father-son relationship were gone at this moment. Because right then, he was a little boy. He was a little boy holding onto his dad.
"I just want you to be happy, Kurt… And I want you to be safe," Burt pulled away and looked the pale boy in the eyes, who stared back with an unwavering gaze. "And I know after…what happened…you went to those sessions and programs and were taught about everything… And I know they talked to you about…being intimate after these things happen and what that can mean, but…" Burt placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder and squeezed it tightly, looking at him steadily. "I want you to talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you. And Carole is here for you. And don't hesitate for ask us anything you're unsure about…"
Kurt took in a shaky breath and gave his dad a watery albeit awkward smile. "Thanks, Dad…"
The man nodded, and paused for a few moments. "You say you love him… He love you, too?" Kurt nodded. "Finn says you two look happy… And that you take care of each other… Just… If you love him, I want you to – whatever it is you do with him, whether it's sex, or whatever – I want you to do it to connect with him… Because even if what happened before makes you think anything different…you matter, Kurt… And I don't want you to forget that…"
"Kurt."
"Dad? What's—? Why are you here?"
"Kurt, we're going home. Grab your backpack, kiddo."
"What? Why?"
Kurt ran his hands along the thin frame and across the smooth glass, frowning when it left a smudge from his fingerprints. He pressed the pad of his thumb over the hands of the woman in the picture, resting fondly on the head of the infant in the photo.
"Are we gonna go see Mom?"
"…Kurt, we're not gonna be able to go see Mom anymore…"
He had her eyes. He had always been told he had her eyes.
"…Wh-what? Dad…"
"I-I'm sorry, Kurt… Mom… She was… She's gone… She left to be somewhere that she's not in pain anymore…"
"…N-n-no… I don't – I want to see her…"
"She's gone, Kurt…"
"B-but… But, I… No. I n-need to give h-her…her birthday present… It's tomorrow…"
Kurt didn't notice someone had entered the room until his bed shifted and then Blaine was there beside him, looking over his shoulder at the item in his hands, shifting his gaze between the photo and his boyfriend's thoughtful face. Suddenly, a very small, fond smile graced Blaine's lips and he tilted his head to the side, resting lightly on his boyfriend's shoulder, and bringing his hand to point to the baby in the picture.
"That's you, isn't it…?" At Kurt's subtle nod, he dropped his hand and looked at Kurt's face and back to the picture. "…I can tell because of your eyes…" He paused. "Is that your…sister, or something?"
"…No, it's… She's my mom…"
Blaine tensed just slightly. "O-oh…"
Kurt sighed and tilted his head so it was resting against Blaine's hair, closing his eyes and turning to nuzzle his nose into it, relishing in the smell he missed. "Don't feel bad…" He mumbled into the soft curls. "She was only 16 when she had me…" Blaine nodded because he didn't know what else to do and they both returned their gaze to the picture. "She would have been 33 today."
And it took about three seconds for it to hit Blaine. And his stomach twisted painfully. Without second thought, he wound his arms around the thin boy and held him tight, bringing one hand to rest behind his head to guide his face to be buried in Blaine's chest, which Kurt obliged to, and as soon as he did, he let himself break down, his back shaking as he began to cry and suck in shaky breaths.
"Sh-sh-she died—" he choked out, having a hard time breathing through his quiet but hard sobs, "—on – on the fourth. She d-died the day b-before her birthday…"
"I…" Blaine began, and thought about what he could say. He could say he was sorry, but that really didn't mean anything… And he could say that it was okay, but it wasn't… And so he settled on just Kurt. Because that's really all he was trying to say, anyway. "…Oh, Kurt…" They stayed like that for a few moments before Blaine spoke again. "Listen… Your mom's birthday is the first one we're…acknowledging… And Theo… His is the last. So we're starting this month and ending it with shit, okay?" Kurt gave a teary laugh at that and paused in thought.
"…I kn-know you guys said we were going to wait until the w-weekend to…to really party and everything, but…can we—? I just think I'm way too sober for this right now…"
Blaine gave him a sympathetic look, but smiled in slight amusement at his comment either way. "Of course."
A week came and went. And the alcohol and marijuana consumption had reached an all-time high.
In the past years, they tended to save the big nights for the actual birthdays, and intoxicate themselves mildly in comparison the other days of the month. Not this year.
"This shit's not…laced, right?"
"Uh… No?" Trent raised an eyebrow and the question and passed the bong over to Nick, looking to David as though asking for an explanation, but received none. "Why?"
"Mmm," the dark-haired boy held up one finger sloppily, indicating to wait, and inhaled the smoke, held it, and blew it out smoothly, blinking thoughtfully as he did so. "Uh, remember last year? On B's birthday we got that…that stuff with, like, PCP in it…? And…fuck that… I blame David." He shook his head, passing the drugs to his blonde roommate, who had staggered over to where the three boys were standing by one of the speakers in Arts.
"Hey, I…did not know about…that… It wasn't from my brother like usual, so…" David shrugged, watching curiously as Jeff took two hits in a row, swaying as he did so, his eyes having fallen shut. "'Sides, it's not B's birthday, Nick… That's tomorrow…"
The dark-haired boy made a hum of acknowledgement as Trent and the dark-skinned boy walked away clumsily, and Jeff placed the bong down on a table near them and replaced it with a shot glass of something that was present there and downed it, giving a slight cough at the burn.
"H-hey. Hey…Nick," he laughed, placing the empty glass down ungracefully and stumbling over on his own feet and falling into his roommate, who was drunk, like everyone, but nowhere near this, and who tried to catch the blonde in his arms, looking at him quizzically.
Jeff had been drinking this month more than he usually did. And it currently seemed to be even worse.
"Uh – hey. Jeff… You okay?"
The blonde didn't reply, but instead just nuzzled his face into his roommate's neck, making the dark-haired boy tense. He breathed his hot breath onto the skin there, and Nick had to think for a second before pushing him away slightly, so he could see his face.
"Jeff?"
The blonde just messily ran his tongue over his lip ring and giggled, chucking his arms over the other boy's neck and attempting some kind of movement. "We should…Let's jus'…dance, N-Nick…"
He stumbled and laughed again, and Nick had to strain to hold him steady, now genuinely concerned at the state of his friend, his eyebrows knitted together in worry. "N-no, Jeff. Jeff, just calm down… I think – I think you've had too much…"
The blonde stopped his movement but curled up his lips into a hazy half-smiled, his eyes barely open from the alcohol. "Y-yeah, okay…" He smiled and leaned down to rest his face on Nick's shoulder, turning his head so his lips brushed against the boy's neck, and began nibbling softly on the skin there.
Nick pushed him away swiftly but gently, staring at him with wide eyes, searching his face. "J-Jeff! W-what are you doing?"
But the blonde was persistent, and moved back to his position, placing his lips on the skin under Nick's jaw, whispering against it. "I-I'm so drunk. Let's jus'… Let's jus' h-hook up," and he sucked hard on a spot there, bringing his tongue out to run over the skin.
"J-Jeff…" But this time, with his hands up against the other's chest, Nick didn't push away immediately, and he had no idea why. He felt an unexplainable, odd sort of twist in his stomach, and when the blonde shifted and began moving his lips against his in a sloppy kiss, he let his eyes fall shut, but only for a few moments before pushing him away. "S-stop. Jeff, stop."
"W-what?"
The dark-haired boy began leading his roommate over to a couch where Thad and David were smoking cigarettes, the former's eyes glued to him, indicating he had probably seen what had happened. "Just… You're really wasted… I don't even – We just made out, Jeff… Just sit down," he mumbled it all quietly so the others couldn't hear over the music, and plopped the other boy down onto the seat beside Thad, who darted his eyes between the two roommates.
Jeff said nothing in response, but just turned his glazed-over, wide brown eyes to Nick, confusion and I-don't-know-what-to-say written all over his face. Nick gave him a small tight smile and drifted to another side of the room to talk with someone else, trying to understand what the fuck he just did and with who.
A half hour passed and Kurt clumsily found his way to the bathroom, parting from Blaine with a hot, wet kiss, both of their faces flushed red from the contact and the vodka. He pushed open the door and moved towards a urinal, mentally laughing at himself as he tried to keep himself steady as he began working on his zipper.
But he stopped. A loud, retching noise broke through the silence in the room and the splash of vomit falling into the toilet. He snapped his head over to the stall where a body was present and bent down to see a tall, thin frame and a black shirt he recognized.
"Jeff," he sighed, moving over to the area and finding the door not locked, and pulled it open, just as the blonde heaved again, more bile splashing into the bowl. A few moments of calm passed and Kurt sat down beside him on the ground and pulled him into a sitting position facing away from the bowl and flushed the toilet, handing the blonde some tissues to wipe his mouth with. "Wh-what's going on…? Are you okay?"
Jeff closed his eyes and nodded, breathing in shakily. "Jus'… Too much…" And he leaned his head against the side of the stall, his bangs clinging to his sweaty forehead.
At that moment, the sound of the door opening and shutting as well as footsteps echoed through the room and Kurt looked over to see Thad standing by a urinal, and the sound of him pissing soon was heard. After he was finished, Kurt cleared his throat. "Thad," he spoke, trying to get the boy's attention.
He did. The dark-haired boy jumped and snapped his head around to see the two sitting on the ground near a stall and raised an eyebrow. "What th'fuck are you guys doing?"
"Jeff drank too much… Can you, um… Can you wet a paper towel?"
Thad did as he was told and handed Kurt the damp napkin, leaning against the stall doorframe and folding his arms over his chest as he watched his pale roommate wipe the sweat from the blonde's face, who was still just breathing heavily and not moving much, keeping his eyes shut. "Drank too much…" Thad mused, shaking his head. "Drank enough to suck Nick's face."
At this, Jeff groaned, and Kurt dropped the paper towel, his eyebrows shooting up, whipping his head up to see Thad shrugging. He turned his gaze back to Jeff, who had clamped his eyes even tighter shut in what seemed to be agony of some sort. "What?"
But the blonde just groaned again, turning to bury his face in the wall of the stall.
Kurt sighed and looked up to his roommate, silently telling him to leave them to talk, so Thad shrugged indifferently and moved messily out of the room. The pale boy waited until the echo of the door slamming shut died down and silence filled the room again. "Jeff… What's going on?"
The tall boy let out a shaky sigh and shook his head. "I'm…r-really drunk—"
"Jeff. I – I'm serious. Everything… We…had that talk before break and now it never came up, and… You've been getting sick a lot… You've been drinking a lot – You g-got drunk enough to kiss your roommate, Jeff—"
"Oh god," Jeff moaned and pulled his hands up shakily to cover his face.
"…What's up with you?"
Silence.
"I… I dunno what to do, Kurt," he mumbled into his hands quietly, his words slurring together with intoxication and what sounded like the beginning of tears.
"…About what…? Talk to me…"
Jeff's body inflated with a giant, shuddering breath he took in and he scrunched his shoulders up and ducked his head down. "I thought… I jus' thought you'd…understand…" Before Kurt could question, he continued. "Y-you said… You said you threw up, too… I didn't… I don't…know…"
"Jeff…"
"I jus' thought…"
Kurt pulled the blonde's hands from his face and held his wrists, tugging on them gently to get him to make eye contact, and the pale boy saw the other's eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. It had to be what he thought. The sickness, the behavior, the self-destruction. He had an eating disorder. "Jeff. A-are you doing this…? Are you doing this to yourself?"
At his words, the blonde's face crumpled in confusion and he blinked a few times, a stray tear being shed and dropping to the ground. "W-what…? Why would I…?" And Kurt blinked when Jeff's face showed his conflict with the statement, and maybe he had guessed wrong? Or did Jeff not understand? Either way, he looked terribly puzzled in his intoxicated state. "N-no!" And Jeff let out a sob, his face burning red with the anger and frustration present there. "Why don't you—? Fuck you!" And he flung himself from Kurt's grasp, causing the pale boy to topple over onto his back in the process.
"Jeff—"
"No!" And he stumbled angrily to his feet, walking over Kurt and making his way to the door and back into the party.
"We need to get back before rounds," Wes sighed, running a hand over his face. "We're so fucked, anyway."
"It was just curfew. We've missed curfew a thousand times. It'll be fine… Where are they?" Nick breathed out, some tone of anger in his voice, which shut Wes up, and was odd to hear from the usually easygoing Warbler.
"Dammit!" Everyone looked over to see Thad angrily storming from where a couple couches were by one side of the room, facing the wall. "Why is it always me…? They're over there. They're all fucking naked and shit on the couch and there's cum everywhere, so, yeah. Someone go have fun dealing with that… I'm not – It's not gonna be me this time…"
After losing a dangerous game of rock-paper-scissors, Trent cautiously approached the soiled couch and kicked it roughly from the back, causing the two hungover lovers to stir violently, both narrowing their eyes when understanding the situation. Once hurriedly dressed – and perhaps still a little crusty – Kurt found Jeff as they were heading back to the dorms from Arts.
"Hey… I'm sorry about last night… I didn't mean to…bring up things that upset you…" The pale boy confessed, looking apologetic and tilting his head to catch the other's eye.
Jeff smiled his little half-smile and nodded, bringing a hand to cast shadow over his eyes as his sight was sensitive to the sun. "Me, too… And I wasn't upset, really… I was…really drunk… I don't even know what got in to me…" Kurt held himself back from frowning at that, knowing a lot of what they talked about had nothing to do with the amount of vodka the blond had consumed.
"…Yeah, you did drink a lot…" He shrugged.
At that point, as they were approaching the dorm building, Wes joined them, raising an eyebrow at the paler of the two. "You shouldn't be talking, Kurt. If the fact that we have to throw out that couch is any indicator, you were pretty wasted last night, too…" He scrunched up his nose.
Kurt's face flooded with color and he paused at his doorway after Thad entered, looking at Wes and Jeff, who had stopped to hear his reply. "We—! It was past midnight and it's Blaine's birthday!" He turned his head to the side to avoid eye contact, talking in a lower voice and raising an eyebrow. "We were celebrating…"
Said curly-haired boy passed them then, on his way to his room, and winked at Kurt, who smiled in return, and mumbled under his breath as he walked by, barely audible. "Happy birthday to me…"
Kurt left the counseling room with a sigh, feeling the pulse in his hand and the dampness of the paper under his fingers as he was gripping the bag so tightly. He knew that they tended to up the dosage of medications like his after a while, and that, sooner or later, they were going to do it to him; he just didn't know it would happen at such a (in)convenient time.
He began walking to the French room, where he had class in 15 minutes.
It had taken him a while to adjust to the last change in medication, and he didn't want to be getting even more nauseous and have more headaches than he did already, especially considering it was Birthday Month…
Kurt reached into the bag and frowned at the small, oblong-shaped pills in the orange bottle that he was now required to take two of daily, instead of one.
"And you'll be monitored daily by your group therapist to see that you're adjusting the dosage correctly and reacting well to the change. With patients with histories like yours, we need to keep a careful watch."
He was sick of having his brain chemistry fucked with, even if it had helped at the time he started them.
He was sick of being watched because everyone thought he'd try it again, even though he was never sure he was serious the first two times.
He was sick of having everyone think that just because he could, he would rebel against the rules, and neglect his medication, and self-harm and have dark thoughts.
He was sick of being monitored.
"Is Mr. Tall, Blonde, and Lanky not joining us?" Thad questioned, glancing to the other two as they made their way down the dorm stairs to the outdoor exit.
"No… He said he was working really hard on our translation thing and would just smoke in the room, so…" David shrugged, but frowned slightly, as did the other two.
They found their way to their wall outside of Arts, and leaned up against it, appreciating the uncharacteristically sunny day for late January, and soaked in the sun. Thad hummed a few moments later, David's comment still in his mind as he pulled out a cigarette. "He's been acting weird."
The other two nodded slowly, and Blaine pulled out a stick as well, gesturing vaguely with it as he talked. "Yeah, he's been kind of…distant? I don't know… Kurt thinks…" He trailed off uncertainly, putting the cig between his lips to light it, sucking in and blowing out a puff of smoke. "Well, he's not sure what's going on exactly, but he thinks something's wrong… And he and Jeff have become pretty close, so…" He shrugged with one shoulder, staring off into the field of snow-covered land, slightly sloshy from the hot day.
They enjoyed their cigarettes in content silence for a few moments before David chuckled lowly and the others looked to him curiously, to which he just shook his head. "Sorry, I was just thinking back to when I had math… I was still so high from when we smoked this morning…" He trailed off, taking a hit from his stick before flicking the butt and folding his arms over his chest and facing the other two. "And we're reviewing matrices and she's talking about finding the adjoint, and I just start cracking up," he laughed again, through the story, then in a mocking voice, "Find the adjoint of the matrix. Remember, this is only one type of adjoint."
The others laughed as well, and they realized how little time they had been sober within the past few weeks.
Thad looked up as Blaine stared into the distance in front of them, a contemplative look on his face. As much as he didn't show it at times, he knew Blaine well. He knew all of the boys well… And considering what he had observed himself, and the furrowing of his friend's thick eyebrows, he took a guess.
"B," he started slowly, until his friend glanced to him. "You okay?"
The curly-haired boy seemed surprised by the concern, but nodded, and turned away again, and Thad sighed and thought he'd try to lighten him up first.
"You guys fuck yet?"
And Blaine jumped slightly at that, just out of surprise, but then smiled a little and laughed, shaking his head. "Uh, no? Not yet… But…"
Thad shrugged. "He's been all over you lately," he offered, to which both Blaine and David nodded.
"Yeah…he… I mean, I'm not saying it's bad at all, or anything, it's just… Have you noticed he's been…off…lately? Like, not bad or anything, just… I feel like he's acting a little differently… And I was thinking how Jeff is, too, and…"
"It's probably just his meds," Thad assured him, using the same reasoning he told himself. "I've noticed, too, but he's on a new dosage, or whatever, so I'm sure that's all it is."
Both of the other boys looked at him with slightly wide eyes, not responding verbally.
"What? Didn't he tell you he took medication…? I mean, I live with the kid, so I asked about it when I saw it, but I would have assumed he told you," he made a motion towards Blaine, who just shrugged a little and blinked.
"Well, I've heard him talk about it in passing a couple times… And when we stayed at Arts overnight those few times, he would say he missed taking it and would go do it, but…" The curly-haired boy trailed off, not exactly having anything to say past that, and he looked back to Thad, who was lighting a second cigarette.
"Yeah, it's some kind of anti-depressant," he took a hit and watched for the two boys' reactions, but found them generally passive, and wasn't surprised. No one at Dalton was really surprised with those kinds of things anymore. "They changed the dosage, so he's probably just adjusting. I'm sure it'll be fine…"
Blaine nodded, but wasn't sure. Kurt hadn't been distant, per say, like Jeff had been… And he hadn't been angry or irrational… He had just been drifting in and out of full attention, which was worrisome. He'd space out and stare off into the distance and have to be called repeatedly before coming back. But once he was, he was absolutely fine, though he seemed to crave some kind of new sexual needs…
Maybe it was the drinking and smoking. And once the month was over, things would fall back into place.
And January flew by, in a mess of drunken haze and barely-there levels of consciousness. If there was a word to describe it, it would be a blur. And aside from the few missed curfews and suspicious glances from Ms. Webber, another successful birthday month had been completed.
Jeff didn't try to kiss Nick again.
And no one smoked any weed laced with PCP.
And, well, Blaine and Kurt did wake up a few more times covered in their own semen and sweat, but never again by the disgruntled voice of Thad.
And it was time for normalcy to take back its hold.
"Kurt…"
Kurt moaned and rolled away from the voice, burying his head as deep as he could under the covers and pillow.
He felt like he never left the drunken haze. And he couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He scrunched himself tighter into a ball on his bed, breathing in the scent of shampoo that was present on the pillow beside him, from when Blaine had last been there.
"Babe… You missed classes again today… You need to go to the medical wing," Blaine sighed shakily and sat down on the edge of his bed, running a hand over his boyfriend's back that was facing him. Kurt's pale, bare shoulders and mussed hair suggested that he hadn't showered or gotten dressed after Blaine had left the night before. And it was now the next afternoon.
Kurt scooted back into the touch and sighed heavily, his shoulders easing with comfort. "I don't… I don't want to go to the medical wing, Blaine… I just feel shitty… And why didn't someone wake me up for class?" At this, he groggily turned to face the other boy, twisting around out of the blanket, revealing his bare chest that still presented evidence of their previous night's fooling around.
"…Thad did. He said you wouldn't get up and just kept burying yourself in here saying you felt sick," Blaine said slowly, as though he was wondering why Kurt was pretending to not remember.
Kurt blinked slowly and nodded. "Yeah, well," he let his eyes fall shut and ran his hands over his face that had a shiny build-up of oil, "I did feel sick, so it's a good thing I didn't go, anyway…"
"If you feel like this, go to the medical—"
"Baby, I don't want to go to the medical wing… I'm just feeling the effects of the partying still…" He trailed off, sighing loudly and licking his lips that looked cracked and pale.
Blaine furrowed his eyebrows and blinked, searching the boy's face even though his eyes were shut. "Kurt." When he didn't respond in anyway, he repeated. "Kurt. It's the middle of February. You're not still hungover two weeks later…"
The pale boy hummed in response and rolled over again, away from his boyfriend, who sighed in slight irritation and gripped the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.
"Kurt, you need to go talk to them about your meds. You're having bad side effects or something, and they need to fix it…"
Kurt said nothing for a few seconds, and then mumbled out, "That's stupid. I'm not having side effects… They're monitoring me, no one else thinks anything's wrong."
And it was true. Ms. Webber hadn't said anything. And Kurt had gone to a private session since the medication change, and they'd done nothing… He had been having ups and downs. Some days he was fine, and others…
"I just… I'm worried about you… You seem out of it all the time…"
Kurt blinked and turned around slowly and came to a sitting position, facing Blaine. "I'm happy when I'm with you… I do feel shitty sometimes, but… I mean, we partied a lot and I'm just coming down from that… And I'm getting used to the dosage change. I'm fine. I'd tell you if I wasn't…"
And Blaine believed that, he thought, as Kurt moved to kiss him chastely with his dry lips, and then asked him if he wanted to join him in the shower.
But would he know if he wasn't fine…?
Blaine ran his hand back and forth over the tattoo on his chest, realizing the hair they had shaved off there was finally back to its normal length. He glanced over to the side with a fond smile, seeing the boy he loved rising and falling with deep, heavy breaths, his mouth slightly parted and red. His hair messy in its half-dry state. His cheeks flush from exertion.
We've been fooling around a lot, lately… Blaine thought, blinking and absently running his hand from his chest to his bare stomach. Kurt practically begs for it at every opportunity… Not that he complained… Just…
Wasn't Kurt the one who didn't want it to go too fast? For them to still enjoy each other without it always being physical?
Having no idea what really motivated him to do so, Blaine crept out of bed and put on some of Kurt's clean boxers, stepping over to where he figured Kurt's pills would be, in the bedside drawer.
Zoloft. And aside from may cause dizziness, there weren't any side effects listed.
He carefully put the bottle back where they had been and found his boyfriend's laptop on his desk, opening it silently and typing into Google.
Side effects of Zoloft—
in teenagers – Google suggested – and he accepted and hit enter, finding the first website would probably be a good try.
He scanned through the medical paragraphs until he found the bulleted list, and was shocked at how many there were.
Nausea
Kurt sometimes had that, but he said he had a weak stomach, anyhow, so…
Drowsiness
Fatigue
Makes sense, Blaine thought, and maybe he's just tired from his medication… But if he's having side effects at all, perhaps he should still get it checked out…
Impotence (also known as erectile dysfunction or ED)
"B-Blaine—" Kurt moaned out loudly, and the curly-haired boy grinned into his pale neck, the idea of his boyfriend falling apart at his touch something he loved to think about.
He started slow, but kept stroking; twisting and using his thumb on his throbbing cock the way he knew drove Kurt crazy. He was painfully hard in his own jeans, but the pale boy always returned the favor after insisting he needed to get off right then. Though something changed… And the skin of Kurt's penis became less tight and the hardness began lacking. Blaine unconsciously ceased movement, wondering if somehow he'd missed Kurt's orgasm…
But he didn't. And he heard Kurt's shaky breaths still coming out, panting, and twitching under the hand that was still wrapped loosely around his half-hard cock. The pale boy opened his eyes and looked down, immediate shock present on his face.
"Uh… That's…" He trailed off, looking horrendously embarrassed, and Blaine picked up his movements again, trying to regain the sensations from before, and while Kurt moaned at the touch, his cock remained the same, even growing softer. After a while of this unproductive stroking, Kurt shakily pushed Blaine's hand off of him. "S-sorry, I don't know… I don't know what's wrong…"
Blaine furrowed his eyebrows for a moment and shook his head, even though Kurt's eyes were closed. Had he done something wrong…? "No, it's… It's okay…"
At this, the pale boy looked to his boyfriend, a hardly-there forced smile on his face. "Then… Let me take care of you…?" And Kurt needed to. Because regardless of what Blaine had said, this wasn't okay. And he needed to still feel sexy. Because not being able to get it up wasn't.
Blaine frowned at this, remembering the few times Kurt had insisted he was fine, and just got Blaine off, and wondered if it was because he was unable to get hard… He continued down the list…
Delayed ejaculation
And wow, if this didn't start clearing some things up. Blaine thought back to how different he had had to take care of Kurt. Because the times they had been getting together had become much more frequent, Kurt got more and more difficult to get off. The sort of, simultaneous handjobs they had just exchanged in the shower…
He had come long before Kurt did, and while he was able to maintain an erection, he just seemed so…desperate for a release. He had been begging, whining, for Blaine to do something, and please, and Blaine had feverishly stroked and touched him, while sucking his neck and tongue and biting his throat and nipples. Anything that could help him, and he finally came.
And Blaine realized he had probably been trying to make up for all the problems he'd had in their sex life by increasing the frequency which with they hooked up. And Blaine felt like shit. Thinking that Kurt felt like he wasn't being what he was supposed to be in their intimacy. Or perhaps he was trying to make up for all of his sexual frustration… Either way. Blaine felt like shit at the thought.
Most of the things Blaine read didn't seem to apply to Kurt.
Increased sweating
Not that he had noticed.
Indigestion
He wouldn't necessarily know, but not that he had heard of.
Loss of appetite
He still ate a ridiculously small amount…
Dry mouth
Insomnia
...
Maybe if in a few weeks, their sex problems didn't subside, he'd talk to Kurt again, but aside from that, these side effects didn't seem to intense… Of course, they seemed somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing too serious. Kurt seemed somewhat quiet as time went by since he'd discussed it all with Thad and David, and he appeared to be more indifferent, but perhaps it didn't have to do with the meds… After all, none of the side effects seemed to—
Suicidal thoughts or behavior (withdrawn, extreme elation or feeling of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood)
Blaine's breath caught in his throat.
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
He needed to get Kurt help.
Suicidal thoughts
Suicide
He shut the laptop quietly and looked back to the bed where Kurt hadn't moved an inch, still breathing deeply and peacefully. No way in fucking hell was Blaine letting things escalate to that point. If Kurt's medication wasn't agreeing with him, it needed to be figured out.
After picking up Kurt's phone and fiddling with it for a few moments, he checked his love again.
The curly-haired boy gently rubbed his palm on the boy's pale, bare back and watched with a different perspective as he stirred sleepily, cracking his eyes open to see Blaine sitting on the edge of the bed, and not lying beside him. "Baby, I'm gonna go finish some homework with Wes, okay?" He searched Kurt's face, seeing him nod understandingly and looking around, as though considering whether or not he should get up. "You keep sleeping though," Blaine insisted in a whisper, rubbing circles smoothly on his back and bending down to kiss his shoulder.
"Mmmm… Okay…" Kurt let his eyes fall shut, and Blaine just stayed there for a little bit longer, watching as he began drifting off, keeping his hand in movement across his boyfriend's warm, pale skin.
He moved towards the door, but just as he reached for the handle, a voice caught his attention. "Blaine?"
The curly-haired boy looked back to see Kurt's eyes still closed. "Yes?"
"I love you."
Letting out a shaky breath, because god. Fuck, he loved him too. "I love you, too, Kurt."
"Hello?"
"Is this Finn…?"
He thought about what Blaine had said, and looked up to the ceiling.
About his medication.
Maybe he'd noticed the difference in himself, but not too much. Not really. A part of him was too afraid to look too deeply into it, to check to see if he was falling or not.
He thought of tightropes and those who danced along them like air.
And how they knew they could fall, and were aware of what falling meant, but didn't fall just to see if that's what it was. They held themselves high and trusted that they wouldn't. And Kurt would do the same.
But then he thought of Blaine, and everything that he would lose if he did fall, and if he lost himself without realizing it.
He got out of bed and onto his knees, reaching under the bed and yanking out a duffel he had packed during break to bring some things back with him. There was a small tape player from so long ago, and a tape labeled:
May 29 '99
And it was just music. No song that was outstanding. But it was his mother. And so it was more than just music and everything on it was outstanding.
And in the past few weeks, things seemed less interesting to him, and he knew that was a sign, but maybe he was actually just getting bored. With Blaine he felt okay, but a dull sort of aching okay, because things in him had dulled, and he was desperate for things to be the same. But relationships went through ups and downs? Everything else. But everything else seemed mediocre.
Average.
Any time he played his mother's singing, he would cry. And he would feel. And if he didn't, he would know. He would have taken the leap and risked it and fallen. He didn't want to. He wanted to catch ahold of the sky and climb. To stare down and laugh at all the misplaced worry.
But then he thought of tightrope walkers.
And maybe knowing he was falling wasn't falling at all.
And they knew they could fall by checking. By holding themselves and balancing.
And dropping would be letting yourself go without trying to first know what it means and trying to stay up.
Because they walked along just as he did, and only knew they would fall if they tested the balance. And that's all he would be doing, as he placed the tape in the player. He didn't need to be afraid if it was just a test. He wasn't going to drop.
Tightrope walkers always have their arms out, perhaps to take whatever advantage against the fall they can get. He clicked the button and let the notes wash over him.
It was average.