I swear

by MissZenno

Kurt is sent to Dalton Reform School for Boys after he commits a horrific crime. He expects the uniforms, the strict teachers, the counselling, but he doesn't expect the endearing group of criminal teenagers to take him under their wing.

14. Remember

A/N EDIT! IMPORTANT! -

I wanted to HUGELY apologize about not posting a warning about the kind of treatment in this chapter.
I received a message from someone not being able to handle it and I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T DO THIS BEFORE

Trigger warning: Talk of forced ECT treatment and depression

HOLY SNAP CRACKLE POP YOU GUYS. AN UPDATE BEFORE A MONTH HAS PASSED -_-;
So, pretty much THIS===== foxywinter (dot) deviantart (dot) com/#/d4y03xr
YOU GUYS AND THE TATTOO AND PIERCING AND - ;_; so great! SO MUCH LOVE TO FW!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

---

"—him for the pain…?"

"—course, we'll start him…"

Blaine groaned quietly in the back of his throat, hardly hearing murmurs of voices, clips of conversation, and was immediately struck with the dull hurt in his face, his entire mouth and jaw aching.

"—typical for these kinds of injuries…"

He heard a woman's voice, and someone else's voice, too muddled to make out.

"—recovering addict."

"Oh?"

Blaine forced his eyes open at this. They were talking about him.

He first noticed the two forms near him ceased conversation and paid attention to him, and as his vision cleared and focused, he saw…

Kurt.

He gave Blaine a half sort of smile and reached over from where he was sitting in a chair to squeeze his hand, mouthing 'hi' very softly. He turned back to the other person, who Blaine now realized was a nurse, or doctor of some kind.

"So, something milder than Vicodin that isn't narcotic-based would be best…" Kurt was telling her quietly, shooting a quick look in his boyfriend's direction that was somewhere between fond and apologetic.

"Right. I'll get you something then to help with the swelling and inflammation, which should bring the pain down" the nurse spoke now to Blaine, who blinked, a little dazed, but nodded nevertheless.

As she walked away, the curly-haired boy took in his surroundings. He was at the nurse's office, lying on a small cot with the paper lining, and Kurt was sitting beside him in a small plastic chair, looking at him with a concerned expression.

"How are you doing?" the pale boy suddenly asked, bringing Blaine back to his thoughts. He instinctively shrugged, and went to respond, but as he did so, he realized there was something in his mouth, and that his jaw felt very tight. Blaine sat up, slightly panicked, and brought his hand to his mouth to investigate. "Hey, hey, not so fast…" Kurt grabbed his hand before he could do anything. "…I forgot, you have gauze in your mouth, to stop the bleeding."

"B'ee'ing?" Blaine tried to talk, but ended up sounding ridiculous, not to mention cringing at the sore feeling of his jaw.

Kurt looked at him a little strangely then, a little sad, and nodded. "When…Renny punched you, your lip and cheek clashed with your teeth and split them a little bit… And it sort of offset your jaw, but once the swelling and everything goes down, it should be fine," he added when Blaine looked at him with huge eyes. "Don't worry… Everything's fine… Not to mention someone saw that asshole punching you and they got him on level three now."

"Kur'," Blaine tried, but sat up more, sighing in frustration at the obstruction in his mouth and pulled the two huge, wadded up and bloody pieces of gauze from his mouth and placed them onto the small metal table beside his cot, making a face. And – oh.

Yeah, he could taste a lot of blood now.

"Kurt. What the fuck happened? You fainted, and I went down and…?" He made a gesture with his hands, asking for explanation.

The pale boy resumed the distant, sort of lost look in his eyes when his medication made him foggy. "I woke up a little after you got punched out and…the guy that had seen it was trying to get both of us up. I ended up getting up and helping him get you here…" Kurt just shrugged, obviously forcing some kind of smile, his eyes appearing distracted.

Blaine's eyebrows furrowed together and he threw his legs over the side of his cot, leaning forward to grab both of Kurt's hands, looking him over. "Are… Are you okay, Kurt?" He let his eyes fall to the thick bandages wrapping his boyfriend's left elbow and right hand, his eyebrows pulling together in worry. "Kurt—"

"No – yeah, I'm fine, babe," Kurt nodded shakily and twisted out of his grasp, sort of recoiling from the touch, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. When Blaine eyed the bandage on his hand, he sighed, "from the I.V… And the other one's for…well, you know."

"I.V.?"

"I was dehydrated… I guess," Kurt shrugged a little. "They just helped rehydrate me. It's not a big deal."

"Is that why you passed out?" Blaine asked hesitantly, trying to regain eye contact with his boyfriend.

"Um, no…" Kurt paused, blinking. "I… I've been taking a lot of Aspirin for headaches and stuff recently, so it's… It can make your blood thinner. It made me bleed more."

The curly-haired boy let out a breath, still just worried at the situation. "O-oh…"

"The dehydration probably didn't help, though…" Kurt added absently, and Blaine nodded, concerned at the casualness in which he was discussing the matter.

He supposed this was how Kurt felt when he was struggling with his addiction.

"Blaine, don't freak out, okay? I'm more worried about you, you were out for a while. They were worried you hit your head pretty hard when you went down…"

The nurse interrupted their conversation to administer some medication to Blaine, who struggled doing anything that involved his mouth, and cringed as he put the pills past his lips. After she was gone, they sat in silence for a few moments, Blaine gripping Kurt's hand again, the pale boy allowing him to do so when he was having a hard time with the pills.

"Kurt… You still need to talk to someone about…that," he flicked his eyes to his boyfriend's arm.

"I did."

"Oh."

"I mean, they – the nurses dealing with my cuts – …noticed, and they contacted my personal therapist…and Ms. Webber…and…" Kurt trailed off, his eyes turning downcast.

"What?"

"They told Dad, too, and they're setting me set up in a 24/7 watch program. And changing my meds again…" Kurt struggled over the last part, his voice strained as though he was about to cry. "Because that's going to help…"

"Oh, Kurt—" Blaine went to reach for him, but the pale boy pushed away, this time tears very clearly evident in his eyes, and stood up.

"No, it's – What's the difference, anyway? One fucked up, not-working medication to another. It doesn't do anything to change them…"

Blaine stood as well, ignoring the boy's standoffishness and en circling him in his arms, pulling him into his chest. "I love you, Kurt… And I don't care if you're having a hard time and not always acting like yourself, you're still my Kurt, and I just – I love everything about you…"

Kurt cried silently, heavy tears falling to the ground from his eyelashes, and he said nothing in response.

---

"Hey…" Jeff trailed off in his greeting upon seeing his friend's face, spaced off, staring out of the window into the surprisingly sunny weather. Late April, so far, had been nice. Kurt hadn't really noticed. He turned to look to the blonde boy. "Do you…wanna start working on the thing…or…?" Jeff gestured weakly with the folder that contained their research paper requirements for Chemistry. The one they hadn't started that was due the next day, first period.

The pale boy just stared forward, in the direction of Jeff, but maybe not at him. His eyes were hardly focused.

"Kurt."

He blinked now, coming back slightly. "Sorry…" Kurt opened his mouth as though to continue, maybe give an excuse or reason why he was so out of it, but falling short of something to say, so he just looked away, feeling dazed and a little embarrassed.

"Uh, it's fine, we don't have to work on it…now. We just – it's due tomorrow morning, so we need to get started pretty soon, you know?" Jeff had a hard time talking to Kurt, not even sure if anything he was saying got through the haze of medication and depression the pale boy had around him at all times. "Your…new meds not working well?"

At this, Kurt scoffed loudly, standing from his seat by the window, startling the blonde slightly. "None of them fucking do… I'm only on one for a few weeks and they change it again… I just…" He shook his head, trying to clear it. "I feel dead."

The blonde sighed, nodding. "I – I'm sorry, I wish there was something I—"

"You should tell Nick about what happened," Kurt decided suddenly, talking over Jeff but in a quiet voice.

"…What?"

"You really should. About what happened…with Mr. Connors," he added the last part when Jeff made no move to nod or acknowledge his statement.

"I know what you're talking about, but… Why? I mean, Nick's…my best friend, but what makes you think that I should tell him?"

Kurt moved across the room to sit on his bed, and grabbed a pillow to hug it. The energy in him could clearly be seen leaving his body, as his mood came and went. "I'm no help to you. I… We've talked about it a few times since you first told me, but… I don't feel like I'm doing enough to get you through this."

"Kurt, I'm not asking you to get me through this, I just wanted to talk to someone—"

"But you need to get through this… Tell Nick. Or tell Ms. Webber or your personal therapist, I don't care… But I feel like if you're looking to me for anything, even just someone to talk to, I'm not gonna be able to give you that. I hardly can do conversations anymore."

Jeff didn't really say anything to that, just sat down on Thad's bed, across from Kurt, his mind spinning. Just the suggestion of telling someone else made him feel sick. Trying to picture Nick's face when he said the words.

I was molested.

And what if Nick got angry at the teacher who did this? What would he do then? How would anyone deal with this? If he told Ms. Webber, would she ask who did it…? Would this turn into a lawsuit and the teacher getting fired? This seemed too damn complicated. He hated to think about it.

"I'll do the a), b), and c) parts…and you can do the rest…? And can you do the conclusion, too?"

Jeff snapped out of it, looking to Kurt who was speaking in the most quiet, monotone way that the blonde had ever heard from the boy. He was holding the folder with their paper requirements and wait—

When did he even get that? Had Jeff handed it to him? Had he set it down on the bed? And—

Wow, now who was the one completely out of it?

"S-sure, that's fine…"

Kurt nodded in response and put the folder down, rubbing his eyes with his hands. "Email me what you did so I can put it all together… I… I'm just gonna take a little nap right now, so, yeah…"

"Right. I'll see you later, Kurt…" The blonde stood up, going towards the door as he heard the shifting on the bed as his pale friend got settled.

"Tell him, Jeff," the hardly-audible voice said, and he turned around to see Kurt's eyes closed and the boy lying limply, lifelessly on his back.

Had it been Kurt who said it? Had anything even been said at all?

Of course it was Kurt. That was the thing about him… That's what Jeff realized from his always eye-opening, albeit short, interaction with him, since he first met him.

In Kurt's eyes, Kurt was the last priority.

---

"The entire reason he's here is because of that, though," Wes pointed out, pressing a firm spoon into his oatmeal, not taking a bite. "You'd think they would've taken them away before…"

"He's here for killing that guy—"

"But, like, stabbing… Cutting," Wes interrupted Nick, shrugging a little. "I'm just surprised they still let there be razors then."

A few moments of silence passed between the boys in the cafeteria, then Trent sighed. "Maybe he just…likes stabbing or whatever, you know? First the guy he killed, then the time he was on acid, and now—"

The boy was cut off when his tray of food was shoved into his chest roughly, bits of oatmeal and other food falling onto his uniform shirt and pants.

"What the fuck, B!"

"Just fucking shut it, okay? He's not – some – thing that we can just talk about like this! He's a person and my boyfriend and he's having a fucking hard time, okay? There's nothing wrong with him except that he's depressed… Fuck," he shook his head, still breathing hard from the adrenaline of losing his temper.

Everyone at the table just sort of stared, glancing between Blaine and Trent, who was giving the curly-haired boy a look of confusion and annoyance, though nodded, knowing Blaine was right. "Yeah, whatever," he brushed some of the food from his uniform and rolled his eyes, standing to go clean off, "Sorry, bro."

Blaine being violent wasn't something anyone wasn't familiar with, though they didn't want to see that return.

That side of him had been generally absent for a while, especially since Kurt had arrived at Dalton.

Jeff carefully nudged the curly-haired boy, nodding in the direction of the doorway, where Thad and said pale boy were making their way into the building, Thad going towards the food and Kurt coming straight to their table. "Heads up."

Kurt sank into the space beside Blaine, not even making an attempt to put distance between their bodies, now that the school knew about them.

"Hey, you okay?" Blaine ran his hand along his boyfriend's shoulders, clutching the small of his back when the pale boy completely leaned into him, sagging against his body. "Kurt?"

"Everyone knows," Kurt murmured into the curly-haired boy's neck after a while of silence, his breath faint and shaky.

"Knows what—?"

"I hate this school. I fucking hate this place."

Everyone jumped as Thad yelled and slammed down his tray of food, his teeth clenched. He angrily sat down, his breath coming out hard.

"Thad, what's going on?" David asked him, everyone watching the dark-haired boy, wanting to know the same thing.

"What's—? I'll fucking show you what's going on." Thad yanked his bag around to the front of his body, and dug into a smaller pocket, pulling out a few items and tossing them onto the table for everyone to see. "This place is fucked up."

A bunch of small pieces of tape attached to items were scattered on the space in front of them. Upon closer inspection, they were all small razor blades.

"What the hell?" Nick spoke first, picking one up and looking at it.

"Taped to our fucking door," Thad spat, shaking his head in disbelief.

Blaine looked at the small blades incredulously, then pulled Kurt closer to his side, turning to Thad. "Was this just this today?"

Thad threw his arms up dramatically, angrily. "Fucking – I guess! I don't know! It all wasn't there last night, at least… Don't even know how they still have these," he mumbled more to himself the last part.

Blaine nodded in reply and watched as Thad cleared the table of the objects. He turned to his boyfriend slowly, carefully, scanning his face and looking for some clue of how he was reacting to all this. "Babe, are you okay…?"

Kurt just shrugged helplessly, his eyes staring blankly in front of him. "I just don't… Everyone knows that I… And that it was because of me the razors got banned. I don't get it."

"Yeah, how does everyone know?" Nick asked no one in particular, and the other boys nodded.

"Did someone say something? Maybe someone from group told," Jeff suggested quietly, shrugging.

No one really said anything to that, because it was possible. The guys in their group therapy class generally were friends with each other and didn't spread around things told in that time period, but it could have happened.

"I don't fucking know… But seriously!" Thad huffed, still obviously upset. "This place—! I mean, this is his safety they're fucking with, here—!"

"Thad—" Kurt tried quietly to interject, but his roommate continued.

"They took away the razors to make sure he doesn't kill himself and they're making jokes about it? That's fucking low, even for Dalton."

"What do you mean?" David asked Thad, cocking an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Jokes about it…? You mean the stuff taped to the door. The razors."

Thad scoffed, going to dig into his bag again, this time pulling out a piece of lined notebook paper, the corners all having used tape on them. "Mature bastards."

All the boys – minus Kurt and Thad – leaned in and shifted angles to read the note.

FAGGOT
better luck next time

---

"Whoa, man, what the fuck are—?"

"Justin!" Blaine snapped at his roommate, spinning around to face the door as the brown-haired boy entered. "Did you—? Where the fuck is my French book?"

Justin raised an eyebrow, eyeing the complete mess of a room that seemed to have appeared in the last hour since he'd been gone. "I don't know… What the hell? Did you go through my shit?"

Blaine huffed out a breath, grabbing a blazer from the ground and tossing it aside, looking underneath it, finding nothing. He tugged a hand through his curls. "I need my book. I'm practically failing that class and I'm fucking already late to the study thing the guys are doing."

Justin crossed his arms over his chest, looking annoyed. "I don't give a fuck," he rolled his eyes, moving to his bed and getting a notebook out from his bag. "Just don't touch my stuff, okay?"

Blaine visibly shook with frustration, letting out a sound of aggravation, his arms shooting into the air. "Fuck it. I just—! Fuck it! I'll look off someone else's book, I'm gonna fail anyway."

Without another word, the curly-haired boy snatched his shoulder bag from a place on the ground, storming from the room. He stomped a few places down and shoved the half-open door completely ajar, startling the blonde occupant.

Jeff, sitting cross-legged on his bed, inhaled a surprised breath at Blaine's abrupt enter, his eyes going wide for a moment before settling down. "Oh. You scared me…"

Blaine chucked his bag to the floor, looking around at the otherwise empty room and holding his arms up. "Where is everybody?" At Jeff's slightly confused look, Blaine elaborated very slowly, his voice dripping with attitude. "For the French study session?"

The blonde perked up at this. "Oh, I – Nick had a personal session thing, so we're doing it at seven… I texted you about it…"

Blaine clenched his teeth. "My phone's dead."

"Oh…" The other boy could see how clearly angry his friend was, and just sort of stared at him, not knowing what to say. "Sorry…"

Blaine just shook his head, silently saying he wasn't angry at Jeff, but just—! He turned to the nearest wall and let his head fall against it, keeping it rested there. His shoulders sagged. "Uuuggghhhh," he groaned in frustration, just having spent too much time in a rush for it to not even matter.

He stayed there for a while, his frustration then coming out in annoyed, sarcastic laughter, though the noises soon sounded choked, and turned into sobs.

Jeff sighed, closing the book he had open and standing up. "B…"

"No, it's – I don't even know. I'm just so fucking stressed out right now," he murmured into the wall, then turned around to face the blonde, his face so clearly tense with strain and worry that it was physically visible. "I can't even deal right now."

Jeff ran a nervous hand over his face, never having had to deal with Blaine like this before. "I – I know. Everything happening with Kurt—"

"He's basically gone, you know," Blaine interrupted, his eyebrows knitted together, his voice shaky and hysterical and he just looked at the other boy hard, trying to get him to be on the same page. Jeff gave him a look showing he didn't understand. "Like, if I met him now, I'm not even sure if I would fall in love with him," he hardly was audible when he said this, his eyes avoiding Jeff's.

Jeff made a surprised face at this, then tried to return his expression to its neutral look. "Yeah, I mean, he's been totally off lately—"

"That must sound horrible, right? I mean, I love him, I really do, Jeff. Kurt's – he's my life, but I just. All I'm trying to say is that he's so…not himself right now that it hurts to be around him sometimes… Just because it's so…obvious that he's in so much pain… I can't even…" He trailed off, turning away, seemingly not needing Jeff's input at all but continued talking to him. "I see these…these tiny, like, glimpses of Kurt – of my Kurt – and then they're gone and I feel like I had a good dream and woke up and realized it wasn't real…"

When the curly-haired boy slowly walked across the room to sit in the chair of Nick's desk, and was silent for a good while, Jeff sat down on his bed, rubbing his hands together in front of him. "He's gonna get better though… This isn't how it's gonna be forever… I mean, they're changing his medication and stuff so much, they're gonna find something that works. That's why they're doing it."

Blaine just nodded. "I know… I mean, I know, I just see him every day the way he is and…"

Jeff nodded slowly when the curly-haired boy trailed off. "I get it, B… We're all worried about him. And we've all been stressed out because of this. Especially after everything that went down with the…" He trailed off and sort of made a gesture of his hand moving across his forearm. "We don't want him to hurt himself or be like he is right now… And you're his—" Jeff stood at this, moving to stand beside Blaine and put a hand on his shoulder, "—You're his boyfriend, Blaine, of course this is gonna take a toll on you…"

Blaine just sat there, not speaking for a while. "Sorry to take all this out on you, man."

Jeff shrugged, sitting down on the floor against Nick's bed. "Don't be… You can talk to me if you're having problems or anything… Speaking of which…" Jeff paused uneasily, speaking carefully when he said his next words. "How's being completely out? Have you been getting shit for it?"

Blaine rolled his eyes and shrugged. "I don't know… I guess. I mean, I've gotten a few 'queer's and 'faggot's, and people asking me about it, but nothing worse than being made fun of for being short or whatever… There's Renny and his dick friends, but… Aside from a few people, I don't think Dalton's big on the anti-gay."

"Really?" If Jeff perked up at this more than he should of, it wasn't noticed by Blaine.

"Mmm," Blaine hummed an affirmative, absent noise. "I mean, we're in Ohio, yeah. But there's so many straight guys at this place that hook up with other guys anyway, and we're all so fucked up… I'm not saying Dalton loves the gays, because that's just not true…but getting a fix and paying people back their money seems more important some of the time."

Jeff blinked, looking away slightly and nodding. "Yeah… That makes sense…"

Blaine sighed and stood from the chair, moving slowly to grab his bag from the ground and go towards the door. "Famous last words, though. Watch me get my head bashed in tomorrow," he mumbled as he left the room.

Jeff might have missed the dark humor, just staring ahead in front of himself, his head swimming.

He didn't know how long he's been sitting and thinking when Nick came strolling into the room, whistling some light tune loudly, but he had smoked three cigarettes. The dark-haired boy tossed his bag onto the ground and threw a balled up orange note in the direction of the trashcan, making an exaggerated groan when it missed the bin.

Jeff snapped out of his thoughts at this, letting his lips hardly turn up in fondness at his roommate's easy-going attitude. "Hey… How was the thing?"

Nick fell backwards onto his bed, letting out an indifferent hum. "It was fine. My parents are moving, so the school wanted me to know they're changing my permanent home address and stuff."

Jeff sucked in the last of his smoke, crushing it out in the mug he had brought down for the cigarette butts and ashes. "Oh… Are they moving far away?"

"I don't know. I forget what city it's in… It's still in Ohio, so…" He shrugged, and then sat up on the bed, looking down to where Jeff was still sitting against his bed, facing away, nearly-empty pack of cigarettes near. "You alright there, bud? I think I can hear your lungs crying…"

The blonde slowly stood up, taking the mug of ashes carefully and placing it on his desk, placing both of his hands down on the flat surface. "Yeah… Just… Blaine came by and sort of broke down."

"What happened?"

"Just everything that's going on with Kurt is freaking him out…"

Nick nodded, still noticing him roommate acting more strange than he felt necessary. "Well… Understandably… But are you okay? Did it stress you out?"

Jeff turned around, giving the dark-haired boy an annoyed look. "Well a little, but I'm fine, Nick…" He sort of rolled his eyes, going to rearrange papers and objects on his desk.

"Okay, fuck, sorry. You've just been… Well, you've been off for a while, you know? I've tried talking to you about it. We don't have to go into this again. It's just… With all the shit with Kurt, I don't want you to…" Nick trailed off, the unsaid words delicate.

"I'm not gonna kill myself, Nick…" Jeff replied, though more quietly than he had spoken before.

"Well… Good. Just… You can talk to me, okay? You always have been able to… I just feel like you've been… Well, not avoiding me, but just trying to ignore me, or something."

Jeff opened his mouth at this, then closed it and – god.

"Tell him, Jeff,"

Maybe Kurt was right…

"Nick, I… I just… God."

"What?"

"I need to tell you something."

At this, the dark-haired boy sat up straight, scooting to the edge of the bed, giving him full attention. "Yeah. Yeah, of course."

Jeff opened his mouth to say something, but just groaned quietly, having a difficult time finding the words.

This was like telling Kurt all over again.

"I… Fuck."

Nick stood and walked to where Jeff was standing, and put a hand on his back, trying to make eye contact. "Talk to me, man. What's going on?"

Just say it.

Jeff felt his heart beating hard in his chest.

Just say it.

"Jeff… You're sort of freaking me out…" Nick ducked his head, trying again to see the blonde boy's face.

I was molested.

It's not that hard. Just fucking say it.

Jeff finally let his gaze be caught by his roommate, his dark eyes wide, caring. And—

Oh, right. That's why he's my fucking best friend and why I come to him for everything.

Just say it.

"Jeff, just relax… You can tell me any—"

"I'm in love with you."

Nick's caring and beautiful eyes widened just slightly, and Jeff froze.

"…What…"

Not that. NOT THAT. That wasn't what I wanted to say.

"Oh god. No, I mean – Oh god," Jeff groaned, yanking away from his roommate, his hands flying up to cover his face. He let out a loud breath and darted to the doorway, leaving the room in a rush.

Nick, mouth hung open, eyes still wide, watched him go, no words leaving his mouth, none even coming to mind.

---

"You're joking." At Jeff's horrified and serious expression, Thad closed his eyes and laughed humorlessly, bringing a hand to cover his face. "Please just… Say you're shitting me, or something."

"Thad, please—"

"Ugh—"

"Just for a little while. I can't even look at him right now…"

Thad let out a frustrated noise, then turned to look behind him into his room from where he was at his doorway, seeing Kurt was sleeping. He stepped out fully into the hall, forcing Jeff to step back. "You do realize…" Thad licked his lips. "…that tomorrow, you know, for class? You're gonna see him, because you guys share like every-god-damn class together. And at group? And when we eat? You can't avoid him, Jeff, you guys have the same damn life."

Jeff clamped his eyes shut and let out a sigh. "Yes, I know I can't avoid him… But right now, like literally at this second, I need to get away from him."

"The lounge?"

"Just for the night. Come on…"

Maybe it was the way Jeff looked so honestly frantic or the sound of rustling coming from their room behind him – a clear sign their noise had woken Kurt up – but Thad was entirely sick of fighting this.

"Fucking – fine! I don't know what the hell is going on between you guys, but it's getting fucking old… Seriously," he huffed, going back into his own room quietly, seeing Kurt was possibly rousing from his nap, the blonde boy following him into the space. Thad picked up the book on his bed and turned it over in his hands. "It's really not the time…"

Jeff looked down, nodding, feeling stupid for so many reasons. "I just…can't handle it right now, Thad."

The dark-haired boy tensed at this, dropping the book back onto the mattress. "You can't—?" He turned around to face Jeff. "You can't handle it right now? Look at him," he spoke in a quieter voice, wildly gesturing to his maybe-now-sleeping-again roommate. "When I first met that kid, when we first met him…he was fucking terrified and had no idea what the hell his life was… But he was still strong. He was – I mean, really – he was raped, and beaten and shit, but stronger than you'd expect." He let out a scoff, his arms thrown into the air. "Fucking stronger than I would've been!"

There was a brief moment of silence during which they both sort of just glanced at Kurt, who, if his steady breathing and lack of reaction was any indication, had indeed fallen back asleep. Thad turned back to his blonde friend.

"Now look at yourself. You and Nick have been fucking dancing around each other for the past – three months! Be strong about it and do something to fix it… Blaine's been a fucking mess during all this, and now you two are being idiots. Just…" Thad glanced back to his roommate. "You – we all – need to be strong for him right now… This thing with you and Nick? Not the time. Just…work things out… Get a grip."

Jeff had nearly come to tears during his friend's ramble, because, really, he was right. "I… God. No, you're right, Thad. Shit… I'm being such an idiot and I can't be doing all this right now."

Thad raised an eyebrow sarcastically. "Uh, yeah. So, I hope the whatever-big-talk-fight thing you just had with him was at least an attempt to fix it?"

"Well—"

"Mm, you talked to Nick?"

Both boys were startled by Kurt's sleepy murmur from his bed, looking over to see him hardly stirring, his eyes still closed. After a couple seconds, he blearily blinked them open and sat up, looking expectantly at Jeff.

"I – y-yeah. Sort of," he mumbled in reply to Kurt's question, feeling actually sort of embarrassed about his really important talk ending up as a horrifying confession.

"So, uh… How'd it…go, then?" Kurt asked dully, and Jeff could tell he was trying to put his all into it, but his medication was making him foggy again.

"…Okay. Didn't – uh – Didn't really go as planned…"

Thad raised an eyebrow at this, and looked between the two. "You planned a talk with him?" But both boys sort of just dismissed his comment.

"But… You told him, right…? About…everything?" Kurt asked Jeff hesitantly, chancing a quick look at Thad, who just seemed sort of confused and suspicious.

Jeff let his eyes drift away from making contact with Kurt's and he sighed. "I told him something. Not that. I wish I had told him about that…"

"… What?" Kurt actually perked up a little at this with curiosity and he sat up in his bed, scooting to the edge to be closer to where the other boys were standing. "What happened?"

The blonde boy knew Thad was right there. And he knew it was soon after everything went down and he probably wasn't thinking very clearly… But everything was going to get out sooner or later. "I told Nick I'm in love with him…"

"W-whoa!" Thad blurted, his hands going up in the air. "I just really stepped into the middle of something – Not getting involved. No offense, Jeff, I just am not doing this right now. Sorry," he almost hysterically sort of scoffed, humorlessly, and went to grab the book from his bed, and headed towards the door, but turned around at the two boys before leaving. "You can stay here, man, but still – you know – what I said before, just – priorities. Keep things in perspective," he looked pointedly at Kurt, but then blinked, looking back to the blonde. "Not that a sexuality crisis isn't – important, but, you know…" He left the room, something along of the lines of 'What next?' being mumbled as he closed the door behind himself, heading to the stairs, probably to the lounge.

The silence hurt.

"Jeff,"

The blonde sighed exaggeratedly, his face scrunching up.

"Jeff, sit down. We're talking about this."

He just shook his head, moving to Kurt's desk and snatching a book from it. "I can't right now. I just – We'll talk about it later… Give me some time…" Jeff practically ordered, his voice tinted with finality as he sat down on Thad's bed, opening the book and looking through it. "We should study, anyway. We can just do it here."

Kurt stood up slowly, wincing a little as the pain in his back flared up, but stretched his arms over his head slowly. "I need to help Blaine, though… I might just go study with the other guys…"

Jeff didn't take his eyes off the pages of the French book in front of him, and felt a little bad at using Kurt's natural guilt and his medicated haze to his advantage, but did it anyway. "Just get a hold of B to tell him to come over here… Nick and Wes and David can study together."

Because lately, Kurt pretty much did anything he was told to do, due to it requiring less thought.

"…Sure. Okay… I'll text him."

He went to grab his phone to send a message to his boyfriend to meet him at his room, not Nick and Jeff's, because the curly-haired boy was probably still at the library finishing out a reference sheet he had to redo. His phone indicated that he actually already had a message, and according to the time, it was only received a few minutes before Kurt saw it, and Blaine apparently had already gone to his neighbors' room.

where r u? study study kurt! come 2 nick n jeffs room – B

Can you come over to my room to study, instead? I can still help you with the vocab. – K

He sent out the reply and in under a minute, Blaine was opening his door, poking his head in, one arm full of French binder and study supplies. "Hey, Kurt," he placed the contents of his arms onto his boyfriend's bed and snuck up beside him to kiss his cheek gently, touching his arm softly.

"Hi, baby… By the way, I have your book for French, you left it here…" Kurt spoke, his voice sounding sort of bored as he gestured to his desk where another French book was present.

Blaine blinked for a second, looking at it, then sighed, shaking his head. "Of course I did… Fuck, you know I was looking for that thing for about 30 minutes today? God… Thanks, babe." He went over to the desk to retrieve the book, and when he turned back around, he seemed to just notice Jeff's presence, and just stared at him.

In the silence, Jeff looked up from Kurt's book, kind of nodding his head in acknowledgement, but catching the odd look the curly-haired boy was giving him. "Uh, hey…"

Blaine kind of snapped out of it, absently moving next to Kurt again and running a hand over his shoulder and putting a smile on his face. "Hey, Jeff. I – uh – So, you're in here… Um, just… I mean, just with the whole thing that happened with…" He sort of jerked his head in the direction of Jeff and Nick's room. "…He didn't know if you were avoiding him, but I guess… If you're studying here, instead…" The whole ramble was sort of hard to follow, but Blaine shrugged and turned his attention back to Kurt, who was opening Blaine's book and beginning to speak some of the vocabulary to him.

The couple sat down next to each other on Kurt's bed and started studying and Jeff looked back down to his book, his face hot and his ears on fire. He could feel his heart thumping against his chest and pulsing on his neck and face.

He knew Nick would tell, because they were all friends and he didn't blame the boy for that… But god, it was a thing now… And, shit.

Everyone knew.

The secret he'd been hiding for a few odd months was just like that – out.

Everyone knew. And no one really cared.

---

"For your final project, you will be doing an essay focusing on pathos… Now, who can tell me what that is?"

Everyone sort of awkwardly avoided Mr. Goff's eyes and the man sighed, turning around to begin to write something on the board when the door opened, and an anxious Kurt came shuffling in, parting from a tall man that had been with him and going to stand near the teacher, his eyes red.

"Mr. Hummel, care to explain why you're late today…? Again?"

The boy kept his eyes down and the class grew quiet. Kurt cleared his throat softly before answering. "I had a psychiatry session," he said slowly, his voice sounding slightly scratchy.

The older man raised his eyebrows at this. "Yes, you've been having quite a few of those lately… And they scheduled it during this class?"

The pale boy shifted his weight between his feet uneasily. "N-no. It… It went over. I have a note," he mumbled, handing the piece of paper over to Mr. Goff, a tremble evident in his hands.

As the man unfolded the paper, Kurt shot a glance over to where his boyfriend and friends were sitting, and he locked eyes with Blaine, who gave him a small, reassuring look and nod.

"Yes, alright. Take your seat… Now, as I was saying, pathos is the appeal to the reader's emotions…"

Kurt sank quietly into his seat beside Blaine, and let out a shaky breath, his eyes falling shut, his entire body still vibrating in slight tremors.

"Kurt, what's going on? Are you okay?" Wes whispered from his seat behind him, leaning up to get closer to the boy.

Kurt opened his mouth to respond, but instead of words, a choked sob escaped, and he turned towards his boyfriend and practically fell into him, clamping his eyes tightly shut and beginning to bawl, loud, painful cries leaving his mouth.

Everyone in the classroom became dead silent, including the teacher. After a couple seconds of shock, Blaine placed his arms around Kurt tightly, exchanging a horrified look with David over the crying boy's head, then beginning move his arms along his shoulders. "Shhh, it's okay… Hey, Kurt… Calm down. What's going on?"

But the boy continued to sob uncontrollably into his jacket, his body positively wracking with sobs, not saying any words. His breathing became harbored and shaky, and he almost sounded as though he was beginning to hyperventilate.

Blaine looked around him, helplessly, and finally turned to their teacher, who was standing with his mouth slightly agape, a shocked expression on his face. "Can I—? Something?"

The man snapped out of it, and began nodding. "Y-yes, yes, just take him to the nurse. Um, call here when you get there."

All at once, the eight boys rose from their seats somewhat frantically, moving hurriedly towards the door, worried eyes on Kurt.

"Hey, not all of you! Just Anderson!"

But the comment fell on deaf ears as the group made their way from the classroom, dismissing their teacher and the rules entirely. Because right now, something was happening.

Blaine was having a hard time guiding the still-crying boy who was slightly taller than him – thinner, and probably weighed less, but still taller – along the ground of the hallway, as Kurt's feet seemed to be hardly putting themselves down in front of them.

The curly-haired boy was holding him, leading him, a hand on the small of his back and the other sort of on his stomach, Kurt's arm draped messily over his shoulders. He tried to take a wobbly step and his ankle sort of disagreed with his intensions and gave out.

Blaine easily enough caught him before he fell, but Kurt crumpled to ground anyway, intentionally, because he couldn't move anymore, and his sobs resumed their previous intensity. The boys all immediately dropped to the ground as well, on their knees or crouching, and tried to look at him, but Kurt was bringing up his knees to his chest and burying his face in them.

"Kurt. Come on… What the fuck is happening?" Thad demanded, with more of a desperate tone, not harsh, and reached to squeeze his roommate's knee.

The pale boy – now quite flushed red from crying – took a few forced deep breaths, his arms and shoulders and hands still twitching and trembling from the aftershock of the main sobbing event, and tried to calm down his tears.

He lifted his head and immediately sought out eye contact with Blaine, who was so shocked and pained that he didn't even know what to say. Instead, the curly-haired boy pulled him in closer from where he was almost half-hugging him, and Kurt reached out a hand to clutch the material of the front of the boy's shirt, his hand weak and unable to grasp very tightly, almost akin to the feeling of a limb coming out of the numbness of being asleep. "Th-they…" He tried, he really tried to speak, but his body wasn't agreeing with him.

Blaine reached an arm out to hold around his chest from the side, and leaned to plant a hard kiss on the top of Kurt's head, causing the pale boy to clamp his eyes shut tightly, his face contorting in hurt again.

"They want me to…to do ECT…"

Everyone was silent for a beat, and exchanged glances, trying to figure out if the others knew what that term was referring to. Finally, Jeff opened his mouth hesitantly. "ECT?"

---

"ECT?"

The woman – Dr. Parson, who was young, younger than Kurt would have wanted for someone who was in charge of his damn metal health – leaned back in her chair, looking at Kurt carefully before speaking. "Electroconvulsive therapy…"

Kurt raised an eyebrow at her, as if waiting for her to continue or say she was kidding, but that was all she said. "Electro—? You want to electrocute me," Kurt mumbled, his eyes wide as they trained in on her. As the woman blinked thoughtfully, about to respond, Kurt turned to Ms. Webber, who he requested be in the room as well, and asked her desperately, "You think I should do this, too?

But before the group therapist could answer, Dr. Parson cut in. "ECT is not electrocution, Kurt… But because so many of the medications we've tried have had unfavorable results, we want you to consider an alternative treatment. It's safe. And it's usually very effective in cases where antidepressant medications do not provide the sufficient relief from symptoms that we'd hoped."

Kurt's breath flooded out of his lungs and he just sat helplessly in his chair, and turned to his psychiatrist. "It's… electroconvulsive therapy… It's not shocking me?"

Dr. Parson made a brief exchange of eye contact with Ms. Webber and sat up in her chair, finding a small pamphlet in a desk drawer and handing it over to him.

It was titled,

How Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) Could Change Your Life

He opened it wearily, with hands damp from sweat and tried to scan the words, but was having trouble taking in anything.

"The treatment involves sending an electronic current briefly through a portion of the brain. It's is used for people whose depression is…severe or…life threatening, or for those who cannot take antidepressant medication." Dr. Parson's voice cut into his foggy brain and he looked up to her, seeing her staring right back, just as intently, trying to gauge his reaction. "We think it would be a very smart thing to think about."

"…'Life threatening'… This is because I—? I wasn't trying to kill myself," he insisted desperately, his voice thick with emotion. "I-it was an accident. I was just…" He trailed off, his voice having a hard time making itself known. Ms. Webber shifted in her seat and leaned a little forward to catch Kurt's eyes.

"You're depression is severe and causing you to harm yourself, Kurt. And it's been this way for almost four months, regardless of the medications you've been prescribed… You may not have been trying to commit suicide, but last year, around this time after your attack—"

"I'm better than I was then… I have Blaine a-and my friends…and I'm not going to try to kill myself again…"

There was silence for a few moments and the two women shared a look. Finally, Dr. Parson spoke up. "Listen, Kurt. We know you're still having problems and that your symptoms are still present. Ultimately, it's up to your medical guardian to make this decision, but either way, we're going to schedule a meeting to have your father come up to the school to discuss different treatments, but we've already talked with him on the phone and he seems on board for considering this. With the medications you took last year that didn't work for you, as well as the ones we've been trying over these past few months, we've pretty much exhausted the different doses of SSRI antidepressants… There are other forms of medications, but those are the safest and most common form for teenagers struggling with depression symptoms. We're willing to continue trial and error, but ECT has really helped a lot of people completely rid themselves of these feelings."

Kurt didn't know what to say.

So basically, they'd run out of different common combinations to try? They were going to SHOCK his brain? From the way the doctor was speaking, she already sort of had her mind set on this happening.

And apparently, his dad was already set on it, too.

He looked back down to the pamphlet, under the subheading: How Does It Work?

The pale boy tried to read some of it, catching words like 'seizure' and 'convulsion,' but not really comprehending what it meant. "I-I don't understand… What exactly would they do to me?"

Dr. Parson let a small smile fall on her lips and folded her hands together. "Small electrodes – which are kind of like little suction cups to deliver electricity – will be placed at specific places on your head to deliver electrical impulses… Now, recently, ECT has been improved greatly and causes little to no discomfort. You'll be given a muscle relaxant before the treatment itself – which is done under anesthesia."

Kurt felt himself daze out, hardly fighting the fog of his medication. Sometimes, it felt good to check out of life. "…And then…they just shock me? And it takes away the depression?"

It was weird. Saying it out loud. Depression. It'd been a while since the word left his lips.

"The electrical stimulation causes a brief seizure within the brain—" Kurt's mouth fell open, his eyes going wide. He could feel tears clouding up his vision, which hadn't happened in a while since his current medication made him feel so emotionless.

"Very brief and painless… For only about 30 seconds, and you'll be under anesthesia, remember," Ms. Webber cut in, seeing the look on the pale boy's face, but her explanation didn't much help him feel better.

Dr. Parson nodded and continued. "You'll have several sessions of ECT, for full therapeutic benefit, usually a couple per week and the full treatment being two or three weeks."

He was doomed. They were set on this treatment, he could tell. And fully convincing his dad would be easy, after so many shitty medication combos did nothing more than make him feel worse. "What… What about side-effects? I thought I saw something…" He looked down to his pamphlet again, who he felt was probably more honest than this psychiatrist lady, who was what? 28? How could she know anything? He couldn't find where he thought he saw common side-effects of the treatment, but Dr. enlightened him.

"…Some…memory problems might occur in the wake of your treatments. Though, newer techniques have minimized these side-effects."

At this, Kurt snapped into reality, like a bucket of cold water was poured down his back and he shot up in his seat, his posture ramrod straight. "Memory..."

Again, always trying to make things sound like they sucked less than they did, Ms. Webber tried to explain, though her cold voice and attitude of her not helping when she could have flooded Kurt's memories. "Usually the memory loss is just around the time of the treatment, and some confusion right after finishing it…" She opened her mouth slowly as though to contemplating whether or not to continue, but then made an exchange with Dr. Parson, and closed her mouth instead.

"What?" Kurt prompted softly, twisting his hands together in his lap.

"…It's somewhat common for the patient undergoing treatment to lose parts of their memory or a few months prior to the treatment, but it's not predictable to say who exactly will have this side-effect."

Kurt's stomach hurt.

"…A few months?"

"If anything, the memory loss is always the most recent events, but in a lot of cases – such as yours – these past few months have been spent in a severe depression," Dr. Parson commented lightly, as though this was something to be commented on lightly.

It felt as though his heart fell out of his body, but he knew that wasn't the case, because it was still thrashing against his chest in an indiscreet attempt to escape his body – probably trying to get out before he was going to be electrocuted.

"They might not be the worst times to be forgotten," the psychiatrist continued, in a voice like she was trying to sell it to him.

The bell rang throughout the school then, causing everyone in the room to jump slightly.

Kurt shook his head, determined, his eyes burning because – oh, he was crying, now. He opened his mouth, licking his dry lips. "These p-past few months, I-I… Blaine. Blaine, I can't forget him, I can't lose him…" He let out a harsh breath, "D-don't I have say in this?"

The two women looked at each other and then back to the pale boy, Dr. Parson giving him a look that said 'no, sorry, you don't,' but apparently she was going to try to be nice about it. "Like I said before, since you're a minor, it's ultimately up to your medical guardian, who I believe is your father? And so, next week, we'll have a meeting with him to talk over treatments. But you will be at the meeting as well, and can give input to your father's decision."

So, no.

He really didn't have a say in this.

They spent a few more minutes giving him some extra reading materials on ECT and a few websites where he could read online stories of people who had undergone treatment and what their results were. They also let him sit and quietly cry for a moment before calling in a tall, chubby man, somewhere in his late 30's.

"Kurt, here's…a…note for you," Dr. Parson said as she was still scribbling the end of the message, and then handed it to him. "So this is Mr. Izumoto, Kurt. Have a good day and we'll talk soon."

For a moment after he stood up, Kurt looked to the tall man, confused, before remembering.

Right.

Personal escorts to every damn room when his appointed, approved classmates – Thad and Blaine – weren't there to hold his fucking hand and walk him to class.

24/7 watch program. It really had the best perks…

---

The nurse on duty raised an eyebrow when the eight boys came walking in, the room with two cots in it hardly big enough to fit all of them. "Can I help you boys?"

Blaine, still choked up from Kurt's explanation of what was happening, gently guided him to the front of the group, his hands on his shoulder and back. "He's, um… He was crying and he's sort of having trouble breathing and calming down…" He said the words out loud and noticed his own voice and breathing was shaky from almost crying on the walk over after Kurt's story.

The woman nodded and looked at the pale boy briefly, who was still taking in slightly gasping breaths, his face flushed from emotion. "Sit down, Hun," the nurse mumbled, gesturing to one of the paper-lined beds and pulling out a sheet of paper to fill out for Kurt. As she did so, and as Kurt followed her instructions, she glanced again to the seven other boys in the room. "Boys, can I help any of you?"

The group all exchanged glances and didn't really respond until David spoke. "…We were just…" But he trailed off, motioning unhelpfully towards Kurt and then awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

"Boys. Get back to class," she said in a bored tone, rolling her eyes.

"We were supposed to tell our teacher we got him here," Nick piped in, trying a small grin.

"Right. Of course. What class are you supposed to be in this hour?"

"…English. With Mr. Goff…" Trent answered, frowning, knowing where this was probably going.

"Okay, I'll give him a call. Now all—" She held up her hand and counted them all as she pointed at them, "—seven of you that aren't having breathing problems, get to class. I'll let him know you're all on your way back."

The boys sort of grumbled and began leaving, but Blaine stayed in place and both Kurt and the nurse took notice of this. "I, um… He's on a 24/7 watch, and I'm one of his appointed escorts. I'm not supposed to leave him alone."

The nurse glanced to Kurt as she made her way to him, giving him a small plastic mask attached to an oxygen tank, and he sucked in the fresh air. She looked at him intently, and he raised his arm, pulling down his sleeve just slightly to show the bright red bracelet that had been given to him so he would be recognized as a special student. "He can be escorted by a faculty member. Now stop trying to get out of English or I'll send you to the principal or your counselor."

Kurt pulled away at the mask to speak. "Wait, can he please just stay?" Kurt panted out very quietly, then went back to using the oxygen, looking desperately at the woman, who rolled her eyes and waved a hand dismissively.

"…Fine, fine. What's your name, kid?" She asked Blaine, and he responded accordingly.

She looked up the number on Kurt's bracelet on her computer, finding Blaine Anderson as an appointed escort, and asked for his ID for confirmation. Next to the names on the list, the relationship to Kurt was stated, and clearly said 'boyfriend' by Blaine's, to which the nurse raised an eyebrow, but her facial expression softened.

"I'm going to go make that call to your teacher and fill out your paperwork. You boys stay here you keep breathing that oxygen," she nodded to Kurt, who just blinked in response, and walked out of the door that led to another inner-office.

As soon as the door shut, Blaine walked slowly from where he had been standing over to Kurt's bed, and the glasz-eyed boy stared at him from his position lying down, his oxygen mask held up against his face. He just sort of stood by the side of his bed until Kurt made the effort to scoot over against the wall to allow room for Blaine to join him.

The curly-haired boy smiled, kind of sadly, and crawled in with him, placing an arm around his boyfriend's stomach.

At the contact, Kurt clamped his eyes shut, and silent tears fell out, and unable to help himself, Blaine buried his face into Kurt's neck and cried, too.

They did that for a while, just crying together, until Kurt pulled the clear plastic mask away from his face and placed it on the small table behind his bed. "I love you," he breathed softly, his voice still tinged with hurt and sadness.

Blaine pulled away from the pale boy's hot skin to look at him. "I love you, too…" He kissed his shirt and blazer-clad shoulder and then rubbed a small circle with his thumb on Kurt's hand, avoiding eye contact. "It's been a month since you've said it, you know."

Kurt let out a soft breath, somewhere between a sigh and a sob. "I'm not myself… I… I don't even know why you're still with me, Blaine," he confessed, tangling his hands together in front of himself and looking down at them. "How can you even be around me? All I do is suck everyone into my shitty life and make everyone miserable—"

"Kurt." Blaine grasped his hands and forcibly separated them to lace his own fingers through one. "I love you… I am in love with you… Me, the guys – we all care about you so much. We're all sticking by you until you're you again, okay?" He rubbed his hand sort of hastily on Kurt's arm, earning a small smile. "Look where we are," he urged Kurt gently.

The pale boy glanced around himself, his eyes a little foggy and confused. "The nurse's office."

"No," Blaine laughed sort of sadly, humorlessly, and shook his head, squeezing his boyfriend's hand. "No, I mean really where we are… Dalton. Reform school… And it's not just…us having done stupid little crimes that landed us here… Each of us has come from something or other that fucked us up enough to do those things." He paused, catching Kurt's gaze and holding it. "And we get that. Our group, we all know that. That's what makes us really different from the other guys around here… We get that we're fucked up. We're missing pieces of ourselves that we lost somewhere in our lives that made us the way we are. And we find each other and it helps to fill those holes. Kurt, we wouldn't give you up, and leave when it gets shitty, not just because we care a lot about you – which we do – but because you're a part of us now."

---

As the six boys made their way back along to the English wing, a specific dark-haired one caught the elbow of a blonde, matching his stride.

"Uh, hey," Nick said sort of hesitantly, as though unsure if his words would set off a bomb.

Jeff tensed at the contact and interaction, but kept his head forward and nodded in response.

Nick licked his lips, still making an effort to keep up with the taller boy's pace and leaned in, trying to catch his eyes. "You've been avoiding me," he said it as though it was some kind of secret discovery, and Jeff rolled his eyes. "I know, I know… I'm not the smartest guy, Jeff. But I mean – not sleeping in our room, sitting far from me in class, flat-out not speaking to me – I caught on," his voice was serious, but tinted with amusement, like it was a lot of the time.

Jeff involuntarily felt a smile tug at his lips, but he forced it to fall away, scratching the back of his neck and keeping his eyes down, still not responding.

"So, you were serious, then," Nick said, his voice just a little breathy and thick.

At this, Jeff stopped walking, and in response, Nick did as well, looking at his roommate with big eyes, searching his face. "About what?"

Nick opened his mouth, but hesitated before he spoke, his eyebrows furrowing together for just the briefest of moments before easing again. "About…what you said before… You think that you…" He sighed, clamping his eyes shut, and Jeff looked down, understanding, his face heating up. "I – I want to help you with this, Jeff. We're best friends… I mean… We need to talk about what you said before… So… What, you think you're…gay, or…?" He trailed off helplessly and bit his lip, looking like he was trying his damn hardest to be there for his friend, not exactly knowing what that meant.

Jeff blinked at him, and nodded very softly, his gaze falling away from the other boy's. "Uh, yeah. I do… Or I know. I am gay."

Nick's eyebrows shot up a little bit. "Oh… Wow, okay. So…you've always known, or what?"

The blonde opened his mouth to answer, but ended up just letting out a slightly frustrated sigh. "No. No, I didn't. I – Look, Nick. There's a lot more to all of this, okay? Can we not do this? I can talk to Kurt or Blaine about all this stuff. I told you…" He quietly sort of groaned, and lowered his voice. "I told you I'm in love with you, and you don't have to play the cool best friend who's fine with it, alright?" Jeff looked somewhere else than Nick's eyes. "You like girls and you're not gay, and don't want to – whatever you said that one time – jump my bones, or whatever, so don't worry about it…" He swallowed thickly around the lump that had found its way to his throat and made to begin walking off.

Nick sighed, seeing after him, his shoulders slumping. "Jeff…" Because this was not how he had wanted this conversation to go.

Jeff spun around and walked backwards slowly as he spoke to him quietly. "I'm sorry I took out my lust on you and kissed you when we were drunk, by the way," he mumbled the sentence, his cheeks and face hot and pink, and turned, making his way to the classroom they were supposed to be in.

The dark-haired boy blinked sadly and followed him in, taking his usual seat but the one next to him was empty, not filled with a softly-smiling-pierced-lip blonde. He craned his neck around to see where Jeff had taken over a seat beside Wes, and was currently whispering something quickly to him before staring straight ahead to the front of the classroom.

Nick frowned, seeing something sad and empty behind those usually bright eyes.

---

"Blaine…?"

"Mmm," the curly-haired boy hummed absently, not taking his eyes away from his boyfriend's computer screen as he continued moving his fingers on the track pad, looking up sources for his assignment.

"Blaine."

"…Yeah," he still didn't take away his focus from the laptop.

"Blaine, babe, come on," Kurt breathed from his bed, his voice tired and dull, and he sat up a little.

"Hm?" Blaine shook his head slightly, disconnecting from the screen and coming out of his thoughts, turning around in the chair he was in and sweeping his eyes over his boyfriend's form briefly before meeting his eyes with full attention. "Sorry. What's up?"

Kurt tilted his head to the side just so, and blinked a few times before responding slowly. "Can you…?" He pointed a finger and focused his gaze on the lit cigarette in his boyfriend's hand and then brought his finger back to gesture to his own mouth.

Blaine just blinked for a few seconds, sort of surprised at the random request and also oddly relieved that was all his boyfriend wanted, and nodded slightly. "I – yeah. Yeah, of course." He abandoned his place at Kurt's desk and went onto the bed, scooting on his knees until he was very close to the pale boy. As he was about to bring the stick to his lips, he hesitated. "Are you sure you want to smell like smoke when you meet up with your dad? He should be here really soon."

Kurt sat up a little bit more, his face closer to his boyfriend's, and shrugged. "He's meeting me in here, anyway. He'll just think it's the room."

And Blaine only nodded in response to Kurt's sleepy voice and inhaled deeply from his cigarette, then reached out with his hand to softly cup the boy's jaw, bringing their mouths close together, before blowing out entirely, watching intently as his boyfriend opened his mouth wide to suck in the smoke.

Kurt didn't ask him to do this often, but it seemed after he was especially stressed or wanting to feel close to Blaine, he would.

It started in January, when Kurt had drunkenly confessed his infatuation with the way Blaine's brand of cigarettes smelled and tasted in his mouth, and Blaine had jokingly suggested they shotgun, but he had actually agreed, and then it was something that happened then and again.

It seemed it calmed him down, and he would almost get drunk in the sensation. Kurt and Blaine hadn't been very sexually or romantically close at all in the recent past, so as he kept his eyes cracked open and tried not to let them cross from focusing on something in such close proximity, Blaine stared at his boyfriend, relishing the intimacy.

Kurt droopily opened his foggy eyes and ran them very slowly up and down his boyfriend's face before letting them shut again, leaning forward softly and exhaling the smoke. He rested his forehead against Blaine's and their noses brushed gently, and they just stayed like that for a while.

Blaine pulled back a little quickly after a few minutes, and stood to put out his cigarette in Thad's soda can, his eyebrows pulled together in slight confusion. "Wait… You're dad's coming to meet you…here? Like, the room?"

Kurt leaned back into the pillows and watched his boyfriend. "Yeah?"

Blaine licked his lips and sat back onto the edge of the bed, looking thoughtful. "I just…" He gestured to his body, his clothes. "Should I, like, clean up? Last time I met him, I was kind of…?" He trailed off, and ran a hand through his hair nervously. "And we weren't really official yet."

The pale boy on the bed just raised an eyebrow, seeing his boyfriend almost anxious to impress his dad, which was odd, considering how infrequently they saw their families. Before he was able to respond at all, Blaine just kind of leapt up from the bed, and began unbuttoning his wrinkled blazer.

"Yeah – no, I'll just – I'll just clean up. I'll just get out of uniform and stuff…" He stripped off his blazer and tie and went to Kurt's wardrobe, his hands buzzing as he tore through the possible over-shirts that were available in his boyfriend's closet.

Somewhere behind the general gloom and fog that Kurt was behind, he thought it was nice that they'd reached the point in their relationship that they so easily wore each other's clothes, no asking or thinking first.

Just a week before that day, Kurt had stripped from his pants and slipped on a pair of Blaine's pajama pants without thinking.

Being like that with someone was really nice.

"Good?"

Kurt looked up from his thoughts to his boyfriend, standing and buttoning up a stripped cardigan over his white oxford. "Yeah. You look fine, babe."

Blaine pressed his lips together into a line, turning to look at his reflection in Kurt's wardrobe mirror. "It, like, matches, right?" He gestured to his uniform slacks and Kurt nodded, though he didn't see it. "My hair is just sort of… I look homeless."

The pale boy on the bed raised an eyebrow, laying his head down into a pillow. "Blaine, you look nice… I don't even know why you think you need to impress him, though," he mumbled, running his hands over his own legs, clad in sweatpants.

Sweatpants. When did that happen?

The day he decided it was acceptable to wear the fashion monstrosity that was sweatpants should have been the day he ran to the nearest clinic and demanded he be electrocuted.

"I just want him to…think I'm enough for you. Even if I'm not," Blaine spoke into the mirror, flicking his eyes briefly to meet his boyfriend's gaze in the reflection.

Kurt's face softened and he slipped off the side of the bed and approached the curly-haired boy, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist from behind. "You are, Blaine… You should know that…"

And Blaine just closed his eyes, placing his hands over the pale ones on his waist. The rare moments these days that Kurt initiated loving contact – any kind of contact, really – was enough to make his head spin.

"And you know I love your hair."

Blaine's eyes opened and he let out a short laugh, blinking away the moisture that had, for some reason, decided to announce itself within his eyes. "Yeah, well…" He trailed off then, no words really meant for the silence.

After a few moments, Kurt squeezed him a little from behind and let go entirely, going to crawl back up onto the bed. "You should finish your thing. And I'm exhausted."

Blaine nodded, sitting back down at Kurt's desk.

Kurt was always exhausted.

A few minutes passed and there was a series of three loud knocks at the door, and Kurt blinked his eyes open from his light doze.

His dad was there.

He stood up to get to the door and saw Blaine sit up straighter in the chair and close the window of what appeared to be a page on violins and pulled up the word document of his assignment.

Kurt timidly opened the door and yes, there was his dad.

"Hi, Dad," he greeted, for some reason almost shocked to be in the man's presence after so long. He hadn't been apart from the man for that long of a time since… Well, it had been a while.

"Hey, kid. How're you doing?" Burt greeted with a soft smile and closed his arms around Kurt, but really that was a stupid question, because he was there due to his son's depression. After he pulled away from the hug, he kind of looked into the doorway. "So this is your room…"

And Kurt nodded a little, and stepped back into it, letting his father follow him inside.

The man scanned the area quickly, nodding a little and stopping to point to all the books piled on Thad's bedside table. "Those all your roommate's?"

Kurt looked to Blaine quickly, who had sort of stopped typing and was just watching the two out of the corner of his eye and then back to his father. "Yes. Thad. He, um, he reads a lot."

"Mmm," Burt nodded and then sort of looked to Kurt and for the first time, to Blaine, silently urging acknowledgment.

"Dad," Kurt started slowly, licking his lips and moving over to his boyfriend. "This is Blaine… You met him once a while ago?"

His father smiled slightly and stepped over to where Blaine was sitting, and the curly-haired boy rose to his feet, sticking out his hand. "I was a little rude last time we met," he mumbled with a grin, and Burt shook his hand and nodded.

"Well," Burt started, slight amusement tinting his voice, "I'm willing to put that aside, you bein' so good for Kurt and all," he just sort of looked the curly-haired boy over, taking in his appearance and fuck—

Blaine was so glad he had decided to clean up a little.

"You still clean, Blaine?" Burt asked him suddenly, gauging his reaction, and the boy's eyebrows shot up.

Blaine looked to Kurt for a brief moment before turning back to his dad. "I – Yes. Of course I am."

"Good, good… But those. Those are yours, aren't they?" Burt pointed to an open pack of cigarettes that was casually sitting on Kurt's desk and Blaine froze.

"…Yes," was all he responded with slowly, narrowing his eyes as though not sure if that was the correct answer.

Burt only hummed in response, then turned to Kurt, who had been watching their interaction. "His smoking doesn't bother you, kid?"

Kurt blinked.

Bother him? No. Turn him on (at least when his body allowed such a thing)? Pretty much.

"Uh, no. Look, Dad, our meeting starts soon and it's across campus, so we should go," Kurt told his father quietly, as if wishing they could just not go, and he didn't have to think about ECT.

"Right, right. Okay. Well, Blaine, it was good meetin' you. Again, I suppose. And I like the way you've been looking after Kurt… I'm glad he has someone like you here."

Blaine's gaze fell to the floor and he nodded. "I couldn't not look after him, sir…"

And Burt nodded and began making his way to the door, but Blaine subtly waved Kurt over to him, and the man stopped in the doorway to wait for the pale boy to say goodbye.

Blaine carefully placed his hands on his boyfriend's upper arms, almost at loss of what to say, but he finally spoke. "You'll be okay."

And Kurt just nodded, his medication making his mind clouded, but he could still feel the emotion in the room.

Blaine caught the sight of Burt watching them from the doorway, but decided to just fuck it and leaned in to kiss Kurt high on his cheekbone and let his lips linger there for a moment. "I love you," he whispered against his skin while still so near his ear and the pale boy nodded in response, letting his eyes fall shut.

"I love you, too."

---

"Do you have any other questions, Mr. Hummel?"

Burt sat and blinked for a few moments and ran a hand over his head, then sat up a little straighter in his chair. "So, you mentioned the memory loss—"

Kurt sighed and visibly sank down into his chair.

"—but I was wondering if there were any other side effects. Is this…safe?"

Dr. Parson – it was only her, Kurt, and Burt in the room – smiled and nodded gently. "It's extremely safe. It's been very extensively and carefully tested on animals for many, many years as well as improved during human treatment in the past few decades and it has been found that there are no links to brain damage or permanent discomfort for the patient. The other risks are all those typically associated with going under anesthesia."

Burt nodded and then turned to Kurt slowly. "Kiddo, what do you think? This sounds like it could really be what you're needing, here."

"Dad… I don't want to do this. I don't want to lose my memory—"

"Kurt, we really feel in your case, ECT would be extremely beneficial and the kind of memory loss you're worrying about is very rare. If anything, you may have some initial memory confusion directly after your treatment and any gaps usually improve over time."

Kurt just stared at Dr. Parson, his face hot. Maybe from being on the edge of tears, and maybe from anger.

Or both.

Fuck her. She didn't have Blaine to potentially lose. She couldn't understand this.

"…I think this sounds like it could work for us, Kurt," Burt said a little quietly, leaning close to his son. "Me and Carole talked about this before I came here and, well, you know – She's been a nurse for a long time. She's seen some people that have really gotten better from this."

Kurt felt the hot tears in his eyes. "Dad…" But his voice just sort of broke and he clamped his eyes shut, and shook his head slowly.

Under the fog of his medication as well as his crying, Kurt heard his father speak to his psychiatrist.

"Would you like me to set up an appointment?"

"I…"

"It can always be cancelled, but it must be 24 hours prior to receive full refund."

"…Then… Yes, thank you… Where will the treatment be happening?"

"The Cleveland Clinic is the best option for us, and they have availability next week. May 13th, 10 a.m. is the nearest open time."

"That's fine."

Kurt just closed into himself, curling up his arms around his body and sinking down further into the chair, feeling the first of (probably) many tears fall down his cheek. A firm hand fell onto his shoulder and he tried to recoil away from the touch, but his father had a grip.

"Look, Kurt, I know this is scary, but I just… You need to get better," the man's voice was gentle, but Kurt didn't care, he was still forcing him to do this. "You're not doin' good, kid, and this could be an answer for that…"

"You're not really in the right place to be thinking about this, Kurt," Dr. Parson's voice cut through the air. "You're unable to see how hard this depression had hit you, and this is really the best option."

Burt turned to her, but continued squeezing his son's shoulder. "As a doctor, you think this is best?"

"As a medical professional, and seeing Kurt's case and history, I think ECT is the best option to relieve his depressive symptoms, yes."

Kurt finally opened his eyes, raw from being held so tightly closed for so long, and looked at his father and psychiatrist.

His psychiatrist.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah, as a medical professional…

Bullshit.

As a total bitch who just wanted to get paid, Kurt doubted she gave a fuck about how this destroyed his life with Blaine.

---

Kurt walked into his room and closed the door behind himself, causing Blaine to jump, startled, from his position at his boyfriend's desk.

The pale boy didn't even look up as he made his way to his bed and sat down on the edge, his gaze on the floor.

Blaine looked to him, concern etched on his face. "Hey…" He started gently, spinning around in his chair to face him, taking in his sagged form. "You said you were gonna text me when the meeting was over…"

Kurt just kept his face down, his eyebrows beginning to knot together.

Blaine stood up and sat next to him on the bed, trying to catch his eyes. "What happened?"

The pale boy just inhaled an uneven breath and finally met Blaine's eyes, searching them for just a moment. "…Just…kiss me," he pleaded softly and his face was so desperate that Blaine's heart hurt. When the curly-haired boy was about to question him, Kurt closed his eyes. "Please."

"Okay…" And Blaine reached out to hold his boyfriend's face and connected their lips gently, bringing his other hand down to rest on his thigh, and he started kneading the flesh there slightly as they continued kissing.

After a minute or so, Blaine pulled away just slightly, and Kurt moved to his neck, placing hot, open-mouthed kisses there. "Kurt, what—?"

"No, let's lie down," the pale boy mumbled against his boyfriend's tan skin, pulling them both back onto the mattress, and Blaine on top of the Kurt as they brought their mouths together again, their lips wet and loud as they kissed.

A couple minutes had passed and Blaine finally pulled away, but again, Kurt moved to suck on the skin of his neck, tickling just slightly. "Kurt, you're freaking me out… What'd they say at the meeting?"

The pale boy didn't respond for a few moments, just continued exploring the expanse of tan skin, but finally spoke, mumbling. "They set up an appointment."

Blaine froze and made to sit up, but Kurt pulled him down on top of him. "What?"

"For ECT. They made an appointment and they're making me do it."

Blaine, still shocked, finally was able to detach his boyfriend from his neck. "…Kurt… I—"

"No," Kurt said quietly, shaking his head, and finally there were appropriate tears present in his eyes. "Let's not, okay? Let's just… Just kiss me. Keep kissing me."

And Blaine nodded, and they kept kissing. After a while had passed, Kurt reached between their bodies to try to unbutton Blaine's pants, but a firm set of hands stopped his. "Babe, you don't have to—"

Kurt pulled away and looked up into his boyfriend's eyes, panting. "Blaine, I…" And he sort of rolled his hips up against the other boy's, and Blaine felt Kurt's erection against his own. And shit, it had been so long that Kurt had really physically responded to them making out. "Can we…? I want to feel you against me."

Blaine breathed hard, looking down at his boyfriend's flushed face.

His eyes were still distant from his medication, but he was being serious about this, Blaine could tell. "You're sure…?"

"Yes."

Maybe his antidepressants made it hard for him to sexually respond, and for him to think clearly, but looking into Kurt's eyes, Blaine was sure he wanted this right now. He wanted him and it had been too fucking long.

They messily stripped themselves and each other and Blaine collapsed into Kurt when they were both void of clothing, crashing his lips against his desperately.

He could feel how hot and flushed Kurt's skin was with anticipation and hormones, and as he pushed their bodies together, their cocks pressed against each other, and they both let out choked moans, muffled by their mouths.

They slid together smoothly, all soft and slow, like they hadn't stopped doing this at all, and Blaine almost forgot Kurt was in a severe depression from the way he was enthusiastically enjoying their cocks' friction.

Blaine felt himself getting closer and closer to the edge, but it hadn't been too long at all. "Kurt," he panted into the boy's mouth, "I-I'm gonna come."

At his words, Kurt took hold of his boyfriend's body and flipped them over, and now on top, the pale boy began passionately grinding his dick against his boyfriend's, upping the speed and intensity and the whole room felt thick with sweat. Blaine felt like he was going to faint.

It didn't take long for Blaine to squirm and shudder under Kurt's movements, and he reached up to claw down his boyfriend's shoulders, gripping tightly and holding a firm grasp. His face scrunched up in pleasure as his body jolted forward, and he felt his hot cum between their bodies.

His worries that Kurt wouldn't be able to finish due to his meds ceased quickly as the boy on top of him let out a long, airy moan and strangled the bed sheets in his hands, his eyes clamping shut and mouth falling open as he came hard. Blaine watched in his post-orgasm haze with awe as his boyfriend's orgasm rang through is body and they both vibrated as Kurt's arms shook, trying to keep himself hovering above the curly-haired boy.

Kurt's cum spurted in white strings over Blaine's stomach and chest, and he was intoxicated in the pure smell of Kurt and feeling of intimacy and sex that he had so thoroughly missed.

The pale boy fell on top of him after holding himself up became too much of a task, and they both just panted, their breath matching as they rose and fell with inhales and exhales, the air rapidly cooling their bodies, and they just stayed like that for a long time.

Blaine didn't know how much time had passed, but he had been staring at the ceiling for a while, and the sun was mostly set and half of Kurt's face was cast in shadow from where he was resting it on his boyfriend's chest. They hadn't cleaned up, but it didn't matter.

"I'm sorry," was all that it took to bring the curly-haired boy from his thoughts, his boyfriend's voice whispered and shaky.

Blaine sat up slowly, bringing Kurt with him and looking into his gaze intently, searching for some kind of explanation in those ocean eyes. "…For what?"

Kurt blinked and Blaine could practically taste the sadness in his being, and it hurt to think how much that poor boy had to suffer through. "For if I don't remember this. You made me feel the best I've felt in a long t-time," his voice cracked a little, but he reached out to touch Blaine's chest, over his heart, where the tattoo was. "I don't want to forget this."

Blaine looked into his eyes, he really looked, and as much as he wished he could say they were clear and free from fog, it just wasn't true. His boyfriend's eyes were sad, and he needed help.

But there was something else there, in his eyes. Something bright and vibrant – emotion – behind that fog. Love. Something that told Blaine so much. "You won't."

---

A/N GUYS! Do not fret! Next chapter takes a turn that could make the creys stop
Also, OMG 190 REVIEWS I LOVE YOU ALL - SUCH BEAUTIFUL COMMENTS THANK YOU *gross sobbing*