About twenty minutes later, Jim woke with a start, crying out hauntingly and panting, sweat soaking his body. For a horrific moment, he didn't know where he was and was so tired and confused he almost started to cry again. Thank goodness, his brain whirred into action a second later and spared him the shame of breaking down yet again. 'You're at Seb's place, Jim. You're safe. You're safe. It's okay. Pull yourself together'. Teeth chattering, he sat up and took deep breaths to try and calm himself down. He wasn't going to get hurt here. There was no reason to panic. Sebastian jolted out of his reverie when he heard Jim's yell. He ran into the living room, heart pounding, mind jumping to the worst conclusions. He was relieved to see Jim safe, sitting on his couch. He approached him. "Are you alright?" he asked. What a stupid question. Of course the boy wasn't alright.
"Fine, fine..." he insisted, teeth still chattering. Jim kicked the blanket off him and wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging himself tightly. He was scared that Sebastian would realise just how unusual he was, how strange and difficult, and would suddenly change his mind about him. Fighting very hard to seem like any other normal kid of his age, he forced a smile and stopped himself rocking. He hadn't even realised he was doing that up until this point.
"You know, you don't have to keep doing that," said Sebastian as he sat down next to Jim. "Smiling. Putting on a brave face. You don't need to hide your feelings from me, Jim. I understand." Jim nodded, unconvinced but eager to please. He wondered how Sebastian could possibly understand, though. He seemed perfectly normal, and sorted and nice. Yes, he was a sarcastic bastard, thought Jim affectionately, but he was one of those good people you only ever heard about on the television or read about in books. He hesitated to label him as a 'hero' since he believed there was no such thing, but he thought privately that Sebastian Moran was the closest real life could possibly offer.
"I was thinking," said Jim in a small voice, "I was thinking that if you could lend me the cash, I could get out of the country maybe? I'd pay you back, I promise. Or I could rent somewhere else, somewhere smaller? I could get a job so you'd get a return pretty quickly. I'm sorry to have to ask but..." He didn't finish that thought. He was going to say, 'I am sorry to have to ask but there is no one else.'
"You must be insane," said Sebastian affectionately. "You really think that after all of this, I'm just going to abandon you? Sorry, Jimmy, but you're stuck with me now," he said, smiling at the boy. "I was thinking much the same thing, actually. We should leave the country as soon as we bury the body. I can only imagine what people will say when they realised I've run off with a student."
"What, really?" Jim exclaimed, not quite able to believe his luck. "You're coming with me?" He beamed and his entire body seemed to relax. Despite being a loner at school and enjoying his own company, he didn't think after experiencing such closeness with Seb, he would be able to manage on his own anymore. Certainly not somewhere he'd never been before and that he wasn't used to. Jim was close to laughing with excitement when he remembered the reality of the situation. Sebastian had a good job over here, and it seemed, judging by his flat, a good income. Was he really going to spoil that for the man? It didn't seem fair. "Seb, you don't have to...I mean...I don't want you to feel like I'm your responsibility or something, just because you're so nice to me..."
"Are you kidding?" Sebastian asked. "I'm not doing it because I feel obligated. I'm doing it because going anywhere with you seems like it'd be a lot more fun than staying here. I've been wanting to leave this awful city ever since I first arrived. The only reason I stayed was-" he stopped, not sure how Jim would take the next few words. "Because of you," he finished, looking down at the floor. "I, uh...I've never had a ton of friends, and the ones I had kind of...got on without me while I was in the army. There was no room for me when I got back. So I've just been wasting time here, waiting for something better to come up. And finally, it has," he looked back at Jim, pulling up one corner of his mouth in a smile that he hoped would lighten the situation.
Jim had never felt happy before in his life, not properly. He had always secretly craved and hunted the illusive emotion, and after years of disappointment he had come to the conclusion that perhaps he wasn't even capable of it. That he wasn't even worthy like everyone else was. In that one moment, in those few choice, perfect words from Sebastian, everything changed for Jim. He felt light and dizzy, sort of warm, but in a bouncy way. He knew what he was experiencing, even though it was completely new to him. It was impossible to miss. "Seb..." he whispered, finding himself quite unable to talk.
"Yeah...?" asked Sebastian, downhearted. He was certain that the boy was about to explain all the reasons he shouldn't accompany him, why he was better on his own, and why he didn't want Sebastian's company. Rejection had become a staple of Sebastian's life, and this would just be another in a long line of them.
"I'd love that," he managed to say in a small voice full of wonderment. "Do I really...I mean...do I really mean that much to you?" Jim wasn't fishing for compliments for once. Not this time. He was genuinely amazed that he might have actually come to mean something to someone. A huge smile broke out on Sebastian's face. He was so relieved, and more than that, he was happy.
"Of course you do," he said, putting his arm around the boy's shoulders and pulling him close. "You're pretty much my only friend." Jim grinned to himself and for once didn't try to escape the physical contact. It hadn't even occurred to him that he and Sebastian were friends. But looking back on their relationship so far, he supposed Seb was right. They were friends. He just hadn't noticed because Sebastian was his teacher.
"How old are you, Seb?" he asked, his usual habit of asking the most seemingly irrelevant questions and craving odd little details at strange moments coming to the fore.
"Thirty-one," he said, unconcerned by Jim's abrupt change of subject. He was used to that by now. "What else do you want to know?"
"What do you like?" he asked, being vague without even realising it. If he was going to be running away with this brilliant man, he supposed he had better take the opportunity to find out as much about him as he possibly could.
"What?" Sebastian laughed. "What does that even mean?" Jim frowned but forgave Sebastian for laughing. After all, they were friends and you had to make allowances for friends, or so Jim had read.
"I mean, what things do you like? What things to you like to do?" Sebastian calmed down a bit, hearing the frown in Jim's voice.
"Well, I..." he hadn't really thought about it before. It was a little difficult to sum up his habits in a few sentences. "I read a lot, hence me becoming an English teacher," he started. "And I like to hunt, although I haven't in a while." He sighed. "Mostly, I just drink a lot when I'm not with you."
Jim shuddered at the mention of drink, although it only lasted for a second. He had a terrible vision of Sebastian drunk. Really, really, horrendously drunk like his father. He swallowed and composed himself, "I see...what sort of a...I mean, um..." He chickened out of asking him more about his drinking habits, since he realised that was both obtrusive and none of his business. "Hunting sounds fun," he offered weakly, hoping Sebastian hadn't noticed his little moment.
"Shit, I'm sorry, Jim," he said, suddenly realising. "It's not like that, I'm not...I wouldn't...I didn't mean like that. I'm not violent like he was, I promise. Shit," he repeated. "That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?" he muttered to himself.
"It's okay," said Jim, relaxing at the instant response from Seb. He had promised and that meant he had to be telling the truth. Sebastian Moran was a great many things, but he wasn't a liar. He could feel Sebastian's embarrassment and unease and so he leaned against him and patted his chest lightly with his hand in an affectionate manner. "Tell me more things," he demanded.
"I don't really know what you want to hear. I'm no good at just talking about myself. Ask me a question or something," he said, enjoying the feeling of Jim being so near to him. Despite his cold and distant manner, he had always craved physical contact of any kind. Receiving it from his only (and by default, best) friend was incredibly nice. Jim sighed theatrically, enjoying the way the power had been handed back over to him.
"You really are hopeless, Seb," he told him with a smile. "Tell me about your home. Tell me about you when you were my age."
Sebastian smiled a little before he began to think. "I grew up without having any real problems, and I guess I'm lucky for that. I had enough friends at school, and I was never really sad or lonely. I got on fine with my parents, but they always made it very clear that they were in charge. Especially my dad. I guess my family functioned so well because I never had the guts to stand up to him. Nor did my mum. They tried to raise me to be just like them: strong, intelligent leaders. They were the ones who told me I should enlist in the army. I was always so scared of disappointing them," he said. Suddenly, he recalled the one time he had disappointed them. "That's why it was so hard for me to...to come out. I knew they wouldn't be proud of me anymore, no matter what I did. I had to tell someone, though. I thought my mum would be more understanding, and we could just keep it a secret. But she didn't. She freaked out, and told my dad. He was not at all pleased." Sebastian thought of the scars on his back from his father's belt buckle. He hadn't been able to sit back in a chair without cringing for weeks. "I wish I had been strong like you, Jim," he said in a whisper. His eyes were fixed on the wall, but his mind was a million miles away.
Jim listened intently to Sebastian's words, nodding at the first part and trying his best to imagine Seb's parents. In his head, Seb's mother was pretty and slim with Sebastian's distinctively clear blue eyes. His father was a stern man with military posture with a strong jaw and the same broad shoulders and narrow waist as Seb. He imagined him with a frown, but not like Seb's. Seb's frown was almost a smile really, it was disapproving but essentially affectionate. It just showed that he was trying to be sensible. The second half of Seb's story let Jim know that Mr Moran, Sr was a letdown and a bastard and the man in his mind's eye was suddenly covered in shadow. How anyone could fail to be proud of Sebastian was beyond him. "It's alright, you know," Jim told him after a moment of silence. "I'm proud of you." He remained relaxed against Sebastian's body and blinked at his very last comment. Jim wasn't strong, he knew that. He was a coward. Always had been, always would be.
"I'm glad," said Sebastian. He buried his face in Jim's soft dark hair. Ordinarily, he wouldn't take such a step with anyone, but this wasn't exactly an ordinary day. "I don't care about anyone else anymore," he confessed. This pleased Jim greatly. He was extremely attached to Sebastian, and he liked that he was the only one who mattered to him. He was tempted to ask more about when Seb came out, but was worried he might offend him or upset him.
"So, you aren't in contact with your parents anymore?" he asked carefully.
"No. When I left the army, they told me in no uncertain terms that they didn't want anything to do with me." Sebastian felt oddly comforted in telling all of this to Jim. He knew he wouldn't be judged, or mocked, or anything. He would be understood. That was what he'd always needed.
"Their loss," declared Jim passionately, feeling a spike of hatred for these unknown people in his gut. "Did they ever...you know...earlier you said you understood..." What he meant to ask was if they had hurt Sebastian, but he couldn't find the right way to put it into words. For some reason, Sebastian felt like he was letting Jim down because his parents hadn't beaten him regularly. Obviously, he couldn't understand everything Jim was feeling, but he wanted to.
"Just once," said Sebastian. "That day. My dad...he whipped me with his belt. And when I tried to run away...he tied me to my bed and hit me even harder. He was so angry..." Jim's eyes widened and he nodded sadly, a silent thank you to Sebastian for telling him this secret, also demonstrating his understanding. It hurt him to think of something like that happening to Seb. Jim had never been hit with a belt, but he realised how painful it must be. His vivid imagination came into play once again, and Jim could see the scene in his head, his lovely Sebastian, young, less lined, without the constant exasperated expression, trying to get away from his brute of a father and not managing it. Jim winced with every hit of the belt he saw inside his head, watching Sebastian grit his teeth as the metal buckle made contact with his skin.
"That must have been painful," he remarked quietly. Sebastian laughed. He didn't know why. He supposed it was to keep from crying.
"It stopped being painful after the first few minutes. Then it was just...sad. The whole thing was just sad. I don't understand why people have children if they're not going to love them, or take care of them properly. I just don't get why shit like this has to happen!" he said angrily, extricating himself from Jim's arms.
Sad. After all that had happened that was the word Sebastian used to sum everything up. Jim chewed on the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. What had happened to him had made him angry and vengeful. With Seb, he had just become detached. Jim wondered if he would ever become mature enough to look at things the way Sebastian did. He did not comment as Sebastian freed himself, although he did not like it. Jim merely watched the man with unhappy curiosity and immediately missed the warmth of his embrace. Sebastian took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself.
"I'm sorry," he said. He always felt the need to apologise when he had outbursts like that. He tried so hard to keep his emotions in check, but every once and a while, the dam broke. At least he wasn't throwing things this time.
Jim was almost scared, almost, but then everything was okay again because Sebastian had calmed down and was apologising. He swallowed and half smiled, trying to offer comfort.
"Well, it's all over now," Jim said quietly. "We're both safe. And I know I'm not very strong like you are, but I will try my best to make sure no one ever hurts you again." He held out his arms, for the first time in his life actually willing to initiate some form of contact with somebody. "Come here?" Sebastian latched onto Jim and held him tight, tighter and more earnestly than he had ever embraced anyone. He was moved by what Jim had said. The idea that someone - not just someone, a teenager for god's sake - could go through what Jim had dealt with today, and still be willing to put his own self-pity aside in favor of comforting someone else was astounding. Jim's dedication to him was more than he deserved. Sebastian felt honoured to have Jim as his friend. As he buried his face in Jim's neck, he began to cry. He rarely cried, his emotions usually took a more violent turn. But all of this was too much.
"Thank you, Jim," he said between sobs. "Thank you so, so much."
Feeling needed was quite nice really, and although Jim hated seeing Sebastian in such a state, he enjoyed having the opportunity to look after him, to pay him back for all the man had done for him and was still planning on doing. Jim made a shushing noise and tentatively brought his hand up to Sebastian's hair. He began to stroke the strands carefully, gradually getting confident enough to run his fingers through it. It was the way he had always wished someone would look after him. Jim could feel a few tears on the skin of his neck and could even make out Sebastian's warm breath as he calmed himself down. It all felt rather perfect, Jim thought. Laughing shakily, Sebastian finally stopped crying, but he didn't let go of Jim.
"We're both complete wrecks," he said.
"Speak for yourself," teased Jim, still stroking Seb's hair. He sighed, a combination of his current state of being content, and the truth of Sebastian's words. "Two halves make a whole," Jim told Seb as though he was departing something very profound.
"Mm," agreed Sebastian. "...Jim?" he said after a few moments of silence.
"Where were you thinking of going? When we leave the country, I mean."
"To be honest, I have no idea. Anywhere but here, that's all I know," Jim said, trying to think on the spot and come up with an ideal destination for them. "What about you? Any ideas?"
"Nope," he said with a sigh. It was going to take some doing to actually make this plan work.
"What sort of a place will we buy?" asked Jim, smiling to himself at the idea of living with Sebastian, of having that freedom.
"I don't know. A huge mansion," he said smiling. "Bigger than Buckingham Palace."
Jim laughed and patted Seb on the head. He knew of course that the reality was going to be far from Buckingham Palace. They probably wouldn't be able to afford anything particularly nice, but as long as it was theirs, it would do.
"You and I should have a code word or something, so if you want to drag some gorgeous man home I know to make myself scarce," he said, trying to be grown up about everything.
"How about 'get out, I need a shag'?" he said, looking up at Jim.
"You're supposed to be an English teacher," frowned Jim, dropping his hand from Sebastian's hair subconsciously, "You could be a little more eloquent."
"And you're supposed to be seventeen. You could be a little less conscientious. Isn't that how kids are at your age?" he asked, playfully talking down to him.
Jim pouted at being called a kid. He was almost an adult now. In a couple of months he would be eighteen years old. Even if Sebastian was joking around, he didn't find it at all funny. "What do you mean, 'at my age'?" he demanded sulkily, even though his arms were still wrapped around Seb.
"Nothing, Jim, I'm just joking around," he said, not wanting to take anything too far. "I'm really...looking forward to this. I mean, not with the circumstances, but, you know, just in general," he qualified, remembering what the circumstances were.
Content with that answer, Jim's expression brightened again. He had to admit, he was really looking forward to this as well. "I'm sorry I was so rude to you the first time we met," said Jim very suddenly and unexpectedly. Sebastian adjusted his position on the couch so he could be face to face with Jim, but still hold him.
"You know I don't hold that against you," he said. "Do you remember-" he stopped. He was standing on a precipice (so to speak), and he wasn't sure whether or not he should go on. He was happy with Jim, happy about their friendship, and he didn't want to do anything to ruin it. "...Never mind," he said lamely.
"No, go on, do I remember what?" asked Jim. He enjoyed these private little conversations very much, and Seb seemed like he was possibly in a talkative mood.
Sebastian took a deep breath and began. There was no going back after this. "Do you remember that first conversation we had, where I joked I was in love with one of my students?" he asked, avoiding eye contact. "Well...if I were to say all of that again, about him being smart, and good looking and…all that,
only this time, instead of saying that idiot Carl Powers' name at the end, I said your name," he paused, trying to stop his voice from shaking. "What would you say?" he asked, looking into Jim's eyes. His voice was quiet. He felt as vulnerable as a child. Jim paused, expression totally blank. It took a few times rewinding what Sebastian had just said and playing it back to himself inside his head before he fully understood what Seb meant. He felt the corners of his lips twitch and his eyes glittered, these reactions beyond his control, happening before he could even think of a response.
"I would say..." said Jim quietly, softly. He reached out both of his hands and ever so gently placed them on either side of Sebastian's face, stroking the pad of his thumbs over his skin. "...I would say that you are lovely". He leaned up and pressed a very chaste, very tender kiss to Sebastian's forehead. With a wide smile, he said playfully, "So, are you saying it?" This wasn't the first time in the history of their friendship that the roles had reversed and Jim had somehow become the older one. Maybe it was less that they swapped ages, and more that they became equals. Regardless, this was one of those times. Sebastian could tell from Jim's reaction that he felt the same way, or at least wouldn't reject him. He reveled in the small kiss he could still feel on his forehead.
His heart was racing as he responded quietly, "Yeah, I am." Jim sighed happily and met Sebastian's gaze, taking the opportunity to really study those perfect clear blue eyes and the equally perfect faint lines forming at the sides. Jim Moriarty had never anticipated falling in love. He'd never believed that it was real. He'd shown scorn towards those who believed they felt it and considered this obsessive type of affection a weakness. It was not until this very moment, that Jim realised he might just have fallen for Sebastian Moran a long time ago.
"In that case, I had better tell you the truth as well," said Jim, dropping his hands from Seb's face so he could drape his arms around his neck, "I think, Mr Moran, my gorgeous Sebby, that I might just be in love with you too."
Sebastian smiled and brought Jim closer to him.
"Thank god," he said. "Because there's no way I'm living without you now."
"Oh, don't you worry," Jim drawled playfully, "There's no getting rid of me now. Poor Sebastian, what have you gotten yourself into?"
"'Whatever our destiny is or may be, we have made it ourselves, and we do not complain'," murmured Sebastian, quoting a book he had read a long time ago. "I wonder what they'll say at school about this," he wondered aloud, not without fear.
Jim laughed and kissed Sebastian's cheek. "Who cares what they'll say? You and I, we're out of there. We're destined for bigger and better things."
Sebastian laughed, and before he could think what he was doing, kissed Jim full on the mouth. He pulled away quickly, afraid that he was rushing the boy. He knew that Jim was probably inexperienced with things like this, and didn't want to overwhelm him. Far from being intimidated by the kiss, Jim made a bereft noise when Sebastian pulled away from him. He hadn't kissed anyone before, but with Sebastian, things felt so natural that it didn't matter.
"Shit," whispered Sebastian, realising something. "We still have to bury the body tonight." For a minute, he had forgotten all about that, and had only been focusing on his new life with Jim. But the sudden realisation brought everything back. His lover (Is that what they were? Could he say that?) was technically on the run from the police. Jim whined and rubbed Sebastian's nose against his own gently.
"Who cares about the body? I want my first proper kiss". For the first time in his life, his fear of his father and his home life was unimportant to him. All he wanted was Seb, even though he knew the reasonable and mature response would have been to disentangle himself from him and help with the planning.
Sebastian smiled mischievously. "Why do I feel like I'm always going to have a difficult time saying no to you?" he asked. He leaned in and placed his lips tenderly on Jim's, enjoying every sensation of the kiss.
Jim would have come up with a brilliantly witty response to that comment, but the moment Sebastian's lips touched his own, he found his mind went blank and all he could think of was 'Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian'. This time it was slower and lovely and Jim was able to test a few things out. He liked that Sebastian was being so tender with him, since he knew the man didn't have to, after all, he'd obviously had tons of lovers before Jim came on the scene. Jim ran his tongue across Sebastian's lower lip and hummed contentedly, deciding kissing was something they were going to have to do a lot more of.
Sebastian was pleased to finally be kissing Jim. He had kept his feelings a secret for so long, even from himself, and now he was finally getting what he wanted. Jim was different than all the other men he'd had before. He was gentle, and slow, and he seemed to actually care. It was sweet, and refreshing. Sebastian let the kiss go on a while longer, then broke away unwillingly. He leaned his forehead against Jim's. "How was that for a first proper kiss?" he breathed.
"Perfect," Jim said in a small voice, inhaling Sebastian's scent and closing his eyes to make sure he always remembered this moment. He felt on top of the world, absolutely amazing, and yet he felt calm too. For once, the horrific rush of unwelcome thoughts and inbuilt angry feelings had disappeared from his mind. It was only the contentment he felt in their absence that made him realise that perhaps they weren't normal things to have in your brain anyway. "You know," declared Jim, sounding drunk on happiness, "You're a very beautiful man."
"Yeah, you keep saying that," Sebastian said, blushing a little bit. Of all the men he had been with, none had ever really loved him. He understood that now. What he felt for Jim, and what he knew Jim felt in return, was the purest definition of that word. "No one's ever said that to me before. ...Thank you."
Jim smiled and stole another quick kiss. It was just a peck, but it satisfied Jim for the moment. He was slightly concerned that Sebastian was going to become some sort of addiction for him, but then he stopped worrying because he knew Seb would always be around to give him his fix.
"And thank you for saving me," he replied simply, because to Jim, Sebastian would always be his knight in shining armour, the man who rescued him when he was at his lowest.
The next chapter may take some time, since I want to write the entire thing myself (these last three have been created with the help of my lovely friend, littleclaudy.) But don't worry, we'll get that body buried.
P.S. - Anyone who can tell me the name of the book Sebastian quotes gets to be my best friend. What a prize!