1 - I don't own NCIS or any of it's characters. Just using them as inspiration for some fanfictions.

2 - I'm NOT a native english speaker. So there may have mistakes (it certainly have). I'm sorry. My english is not 100%. But it's good. I'm trying hard to let it easy to understand what I tell.

3 - I'm not expert in medicine so I'm sorry if there is something wrong about the medical parts.

By your side

Chapter 7: Frustration

The doctors advised him to stay in rest for at least three weeks. Of course McGee only stayed in rest for a week. It had being so boring not being able to do almost anything. He started to go out for a walk with Abby every morning before she left to Ncis. Wherever they would go people kept looking at him. Like there was something way more wrong with him. Like he were from some other planet. When in reality the only difference was the wheelchair. And his neighbors were the worst part. Because they not only looked him differently but they also kept doing questions on what happened. It was bothering him a lot. Not wanting to be rude he would tell a small version to what happened. 'Damn it! Why people have to be so curious?" he used to think.

Abby didn't want to leave him fearing he could attempt something bad against his own life in case if he become depressed by his new condition. He didn't realised it but she heard him grumbling about being tied to a wheelchair a few nights right before sleep. He asked her to sleep beside him again but she choose to sleep on the couch on the following nights. Maybe he thought she was already sleep and then stared to talk and complaing with himself. She couldn't help but hear some parts. Knowing him as she did, Abby doubted he would get to the point of attempting something but she still couldn't avoid fearing it. He managed to convince her he'd be fine while she went to work. He didn't wanted her to have problems at work because of him.

He was given three months of leave of absence from work at first. But he knew as soon as he could he would go back to his desk. He wouldn't stand three months home. In the second week after his release from the hospital he started his physioterapy sessions. If he could he'd spend the whole day there and make a fast progress. However he was told that rushing something so serious like this won't work. Each step should be taken in due time. To rush it, not only wouldn't work as it could also even worsen the situation. So he took all the afternoons for the sessions. Even in the weekends.

In the first month (July) they were focusing on working his muscles strenght. It had been a total boredom for him. He couldn't see any improvement, even with the physiotherapists saying he was progressing slowly but in the right time. At least Abby was almost always there with him. She was always able to encourage him whenever he felt dispirited. She always could cheer him up. There were days when she couldn't go along with him during the sessions due to work then someone else would replace her. Gibbs, Tony and Ziva went with him at least once. And when they were to busy with a case then Sarah, his sister, helped him.

Abby knew how those sessions could be hard for him to take. She was there to distract him from his pain, the strain he needed to make and trying to avoid him getting disapointed. Sometimes it worked. And in other times she knew he was still hiding how he felt even though she asked him to don't hide anything. When this hapenned he used to get quiet for a long time. He would get upset, frustrated and even angry. Spending more and more time with him made her take his apartment as some kind of home. At the first days she slept in the couch. Realising she would spend many more days there she gave up and accepted his invitation to share his bed. The couch was unconfortable for someone to sleep for many nights in a row. And she sure wouldn't go back to her apartment just for sleep.

When August came McGee had rescheduled his sessions for the night time. Because he planned on go back to work since he couldn't stand being home for too long. Abby asked him to wait more before going back but didn't want wait any longer. When talking to Vance, the director recommend him the same as Abby. To be patient and come back in the right time. McGee doesn't agreed and asked to be back on the team. After some minutes they got into a agreement. The director put him in internal work. He would help Gibb's team only using his computer skills. It was the only way, anyway. But at least he wouldn't feel useless.

He was welcomed by everyone and felt happy to be there again. Not totally happy because he knew he wouldn't be able to help them as he used to do but at least he could help them. He loved computer related things and when he looked back then to when he was younger if someone had told him he'd become a field agent he wouldn't believe in this person. But now that it was reality he couldn't see himself out of the field work. What he loved the most was to be able to give families whose lifes had been ruined by violence some peace and confort, whenever they arrested the perpetrators. Avoiding at times others possible murders when they were able to be a step ahead of the bad guy.

As the days went on the physiotherapy seemed to be taking effect. In the last days they started to work on the part of body balance. McGee was being able to do more things on his own and be less dependent from others. He managed to find a way to better support his body for whenever he had to move from his wheelchair to other places, like bed and etc.

It was now getting to the end of October, he was about to get in his fourth month of physiotheraphy. Although he was finally seeing some progress in the sessions, the last two weeks had been a disaster for him. Nothing he did seemed to work. It had been painful, stressful and tiresome. He got quite angry at it. Even Abby was caught in the crossfire of his angry.

And Abby, knowing since the beggining that he could get really mad when things didn't work, she didn't care about things he said. It was hard for him and she was sure he wouldn't say these bad things in his normal condition, when he was calm as he always were. But one day things got pretty complicated.

When working with the team at the bullpen, he would had a sad look on his face whenever the team left for field work. Dorneget was replacing him. Despite being a bit clumsy he was doing a good job.

McGee spend his time there between his desk when the team where at the office and when he was left alone he would go to Abby's lab. He had been spending a lot of time with her there. Before the blast, his trips to her lab had been only a few times for the cases. It had been so long since the last time he had spent a lot of time there as he used before when they had time to talk not only about the cases but also some random things.

It was a thuesday night, the beggining of the night actually, and the team was about to leave to arrest a suspect. It had been a complicated case. Jane Phelps, a petty officer first class, and her 8 years-old daughter were found dead in their house. Jane was divorced but was about to marry a guy named Roger. Through their invastigation they found out this guy was using an alias. That he was deceiving her into a fake relationship. He got her to say yes to him when he asked her in marriage. His real intention was to stole the money she kept in a bank account. But somehow Jane found out his real intention and he killed her and her daughter. The guy's real name was Ethan and he was an outlaw from justice. He was wanted for two other murders. He had been running away and Gibbs' team worked to find his location. McGee managed to find the adress of a parent where they had clues that it was the place he was hiding for now.

While the team was getting ready for action Gibbs told McGee to go home. That he had done a good job. Gibbs knew he was going to refuse but made Abby take him home. McGee had being quite stressed at work and he noted this. He was always told by Abby about his physios sessions and he knew it hadn't been easy lately. What he could do he did, and helped them, but from now on there was nothing else he could do. McGee was displeased but had no option other than go home.

While Abby drove, McGee didn't know why but he was having a bad feeling about this field mission. Something felt wrong but he couldn't tell what it was. Abby noticed that he looked worried, she was a bit too, but he was way quiet. Getting home he went for a bath while Abby made something for dinner.

It was two hours later after they left for home. Now they were sitting at the table having their dinner. Actually McGee was barely touching his food.

- Not hungry? - Abby asked when pushed his dish away.

- I'm gonna call Gibbs. I asked him to call and let us know how things went. If they got the guy. Why haven't him called yet? It has gone a while and nothing? I wonder what happened.

- Don't worry. They must have caught the guy and Gibbs is probably interrogating him by now - Abby said pulling the dish towards him - Eat. You need it. And I bet if Gibbs could, he would make justice with his own hands. For what he did to these woman and her daughter.

- I can't. I have to call him. There's this bad feeling running throught my head and not having news isn't helping - he was about to wheel his way to the couch that was beside a small table where he had left his cellphone

- No. Stay here - Abby said getting up to pick up her cellphone - I'll call him.

- Just bring me my phone and I'll talk to him.

- I do it - she dialed Gibbs number and after it ring three times he answered - Hi Gibbs. I'm calling to know how things went. McGee practically forced me into do it. No, I'm just kidding. He's worried about something, he had been acting weirdly since we left Ncis, thinks something went wrong. Not that I'm not worried about you guys because I'm always worried whenever you go on a field assignment. But I don't believe... - she was talking fast but was interrupted by Gibbs - What?... What happened?... How is... Wasn't the situation under control?... Son of a... You arrested him, right?... I don't like to tell this, but under the circunstances, it's better this way... Where are you at... We're coming... No, we have to see.. Alright. Call as soon as you get any news...

Seeing her on the phone made him sure that something went wrong. He was afraid what it could have been. When Abby turned off the call she leaned her back against the counter and kept looking to the cellphone in her hand.

- What is it? - McGee asked - Who?

- The guy fought back and then there was a shootout. He is dead but he shot Tony before dying.

- How is Tony? - fear was taking control of him - He isn't.. is he?

- He was shot on the abdomen. Luckly he was wearing the bullet proof vest. It reduced the impact. He's bruised but nothing serious. He has this habit of overact when showing pain sometimes but I give him that one. He'll be kept overnight just for precaution.

- I should be there with them - McGe said after a few silent minutes - I told I didn't want to go home. And now Tony is shot.

- Tim, there's nothing you could have done to help him.

- I should somehow have went with them. To help them. It feels horrible to hear the news and that I couldn't do anything for them.

- What do you expected? Who in their right mind would allow you to go along them? What could you possible do being tied to the wheelchair?

- I don't know. But definetely being there would make me feel better. Here I feel useless. People who I see as my family is in danger and I can't help them when they need the most. I can't put up with this. It's unacceptable.

- You know the risks of your job. Nobody could foresee they'd face an idiot and be in a shootout. And if you were there you'll be dead.

- Better dead and with a clear conscience knowing that I did something for them than having my butt stuck on this chair and not be able to go on their defence - McGee said wheeling himself to go closer the couch. She followed him.

- Tony is ok. He has only a scratch and maybe a wounded pride for taking a shot. Other than that he's fine. Just as the others are ok too. If you were there in this condition you could had muddled them. And not helped.

- So this is what you think? That being like this, I'm a obstacle on everybody's way?

- This isn't what I said. Don't put words on my mouth.

- I bet it'd be easier if I wasn't around anymore. Easier for everyone. You coud proceed with your lifes without having to worry about someone who can barely do something on his own. And I wouldn't be feeling down for becoming an useless who can't help his friends when they need.

- Have you gone nuts? - Abby asked taken aback by what he said - This is not true. You know how much everyone cares about you.

- I can't take this! It has been four tedious months up to now and I see no progress. None at all. I can't put my feet on the floor and stand up on my own. I can't walk. And by the way this is going, it'll take too long. A time that I don't want to wait for. And this is, If I ever get to walk again. I wanna my normal life back and if I can't have like it was before then I rather not live anymore. You should've let the doctors switch off the machines, back then.

- You wanted to be dead? Is that what you're saying?

- You should've left me die! - McGee yelled at her - If I can't have a normal life, if I can do things I like and if I can't work as before, then why I'm still alive?

- You don't know what you're talking about. I understand you're frustrated with the whole situation. I can imagine how you must be feeling however... - she was saying but he interrupted her

- No! You can't! You have no ideia what it's like to be in my situation - McGee said angry. She would never know it, how could she said she understood what he was feeling? - Because if you did you wouldn't have saved me back then. You shouldn't have. You didn't want to suffer but you want to see me suffering? If you had lost me you'd be the one suffering and apparently you prefer to see me suffering with the consequences rather then let me go and rest and peace. So you don't need to experience all this anguish. Why didn't you let me die? Why have you saved me? It would have been the best for both of us. Even not being what we wanted, things would be easy thereafter. That easy.

- Easy? Things would be easy? Yeah, it would be easy to watch you die right before my eyes - she said with a sarcasm tone on her voice while some tears started streaming down her face - Easy to see my best friend die. Easy to see someone who means everything to me dying. Easy to see the man I love dying and not do anything to save him. Easy - there were a few minutes of silence and then she talked again - You're out of your mind McGee. And so you know: I don't regret my choice. I'd do everything again if I had to. Deal with it.

- You should have let me die! - he yelled again.

McGee watched as she headed to his bedroom and after one or two minutes of silence he heard her start sobbing. It surely hurted him. Made him feel even worse than he already was. But he wouldn't go back over what he had said.

Abby knew things could get worse sometime. But she never imagined it could get to the point of him wishing to be dead. Gibbs was right. As always. What was good for her wasn't good for him. Was she being selfish? Wanting to see him alive and not having to suffer because of him. Leaving all the suffering part for him to face with the blast aftermath and his health problems.

She got up to pack somethings and go home for the night. He wasn't thinking straight an she thought it was better for him to have some time alone. Then she heard his voice again.

- You wanted me to stop hiding what I'm really feeling, don't you? This is the truth! Why does it disturbs you? I wish I was dead. I'm sick of this. I don't know if I can't take it - he said angrily and on impulse tried to get out of the chair.

It didn't worked and the wheelchair toppled over and he fell on the floor near the couch. Abby heard the noise. She was totaly upset with what he had said but she knew she couldn't not help him. After all she promissed to help him. It didn't matter if it was in a good or bad moment.

She headed back to him and found him fallen closer to the couch. She moved away wheelchair and sat beside him. On the ground with her back leaned on the bottom of the couch. When he sat she could see tears on his eyes.

- Why this? What did I do to deserve this? I just can't take it anymore. It's not fair.

Abby hugged him and put his head closer to her chest. He was crying on her lap. She hugged him tighter and gave some kisses on the top of his head.

- Keep calm honey. One day all of this suffering will be rewarded. You'll see. It's okay to cry. It helps relieve the pain and the bad feelings. Just hold on for now.

They kept themselves on that position, hugging each other with tear in their eyes, until they fell asleep on this way. After sometime Abby woke up and helped McGee make his way to his bed. She came back to sleep on the couch. It'd be better for both to sleep alone on this night. Even knowing that they would probably have nightmares about all that happened.

Chapter 7 is up. Sooner than expected. I know I've made you wait a lot before posting the one of the last chapters. So I'm posting this sooner than normal.

This last part was a bit heartbreaking to write. McGee would never have talked to her like this under normal conditions. But you must understand he's feeling a bit depressed by everything that has been happening since the blast. So at some point his frustration would mess things up.

And poor Abby. She's just trying to help. And hearing him saying all of this was so painful. She never really imagined that he would rather have died. And unlike to what he thinks, he's not the only one suffering. She is also suffering seeing that he's not okay.

So what did you think of this chapter? Let me know.
I hope you like it.