Chapter 9

Maura wasn't really planning on turning on the television. She had spent most of the day just sitting on the terrace lost in her thoughts. She remembered coming back into the suite to get some dinner and when she glanced at the time on the microwave something within her instinctively moved to the living room and towards the television. She scrolled up and down the channels. She was not channel surfing in the normal sense. She was station-finding. ESPN to be exact.

Now, Maura wasn't a sports fan. It wasn't that she hated sports it was more that she hadn't ever watched sports so it just hadn't occurred to her to pay any attention. Until Jane, Maura barely touched her TV at all. Documentaries and the occasional movie would have been her extent. But Jane was a sports nut. All things Boston: Celtics, Bruins, Patriots and most of all, her beloved Red Sox. Maura smiled as an image of Jane watching any game swept through her thoughts. If anyone ever wanted to see pure passion, all they would need to do was watch Jane watching a Boston sporting event.

But here was Maura flipping through channels to find ESPN so she could watch part of the Red Sox and Yankees game. Thinking about the game made Maura's insides ache knowing she was supposed to be somewhere besides where she currently was. Sighing, Maura straightened up. It's for the best was all she could think. She finally found ESPN and settled into the couch. She just wanted to catch a glimpse of the game that was meant to be a gift for the Rizzoli family.

The station was just coming back from a commercial break. Maura really didn't care what the score was but she knew it meant something to Jane that the Sox win so she was hoping to see them ahead when they flashed the score. She was going to just check the score and then turn off the TV. As the last commercial ended, the TV turned back to the game and the stadium came into focus. As Maura looked on waiting for the scoring recap, the camera point of view was focusing in on the home plate area and the next batter to be at bat.

That's when she saw them. In the background she saw the distinct forms of both Frankie and Tommy Rizzoli. Maura had a hitch in her breathing when she spotted them. She was aware that the tickets she had intended to share with all of them were for somewhere behind home plate but she didn't know the stadium well enough to know an exact location. But there they were, the Rizzoli brothers, in living color and on ESPN. Maura let out a shaky breathe and almost squinted to see if she could find Jane.

What she saw next hurt her heart. Next to Frankie and Tommy were two empty seats. She knew what happened to one of them. She had the ticket to one of those seats in her purse. She didn't know where Jane was. Part of her wasn't surprised to see the seat empty. She knew that the note she left behind for Jane had a good chance of upsetting Jane greatly. It made her sad to think of Jane missing the game though, even if she was mad at Maura for running away.

Those tickets and this game had been meant to be a gift to the Rizzoli family. Maura had for months tried to figure out something to do for Jane and her brothers. She had felt so loved and protected by all of the Rizzolis that she wanted to do something to show her gratitude. They all had unselfishly invited her into their family. It was a feeling Maura was not used to and she wanted to do something to start to repay the tremendous debt she felt she owed to them. Dr. Peterson had helped her arrange for the tickets and she had meant for the four of them to be at this game together. It was not meant to be.

It had all come crashing down on Maura after the visit from her father. That visit and her father's complete dismissal of Maura had shaken her to her core. Maura's mind wandered back to that night and its aftermath.

I said I want you to stay away from your Mother and me. I don't want you calling us, visiting us or trying to be a part of our lives ever again.

Those words haunted Maura. Even now she had a hard time accepting that her father meant what he had said that night. She had been summarily dismissed by her father. It had been as if the lifetime she had spent calling him her family hadn't counted for anything.

And then there were the reasons he was walking away from her. The rant by her father had managed to hit upon every personal struggle and demon Maura was struggling with in one swift, brutal attack.

My sheer disappointment in how your life has turned out.

It was her father's first shot at her and it cut deeply. She had fears at different times during her life that she was disappointing both her parents. Even with a level of success as a doctor, Maura was never convinced that her life was accepted by her father. Her job as a medical examiner wasn't something her father understood. After medical school he didn't understand why she didn't continue in a specialty that was more socially acceptable. Her father always struggled with the fact that she worked for the state and with dead bodies. It never seemed to be good enough for him.

And then there was her personal life. She hadn't married Garrett Fairfield and that had devastated her father. She wasn't dating anyone in the "correct" social circles. She expressed no interest in marriage and really had never committed to having children. Her father was never happy when he felt like he had to offer up excuses to friends at social events when Maura had chosen to show up solo. Clearly her single life was a disappointment to him.

My disgust at not only who your biological father truly is but also from having to live with that little detail being splashed over every newspaper and tabloid completely embarrassing your Mother and I.

From the minute she discovered that her biological father was Irish Mob Boss Patrick Doyle, it had shattered Maura's sense of self. She feared that with Doyle's DNA coursing through her veins that she was pre-destined to turn out to be like him. A criminal. A killer. Evil. She read study after study debating the merits of nature versus nurture and she always seemed to land on the side of nature. How could she be guaranteed that she wouldn't turn out to be just like Doyle? Hadn't Hoyt, a sociopathic serial killer, even called out that she was just like him. Had Hoyt looked into her soul and seen what she did not yet know about her true identity?

The monster that was responsible for creating you is a cold blooded killer and he has killed for you.

How had her father known about Tommy O'Rourke? Doyle had killed O'Rourke to send a message for other mob families to stay away from his daughter. Maura had never felt responsible for another person's life until that moment. That man, regardless of his criminal past, was dead because of her. Maura repeatedly had nightmares where she stood over the body of O'Rourke laughing and the ice pick that was to cause his death lingering in her hands. She was the direct cause of a murder and it haunted her.

Watching your Mother suffer through pain and injuries that only came to her because of you. I almost lost my wife because someone was trying to harm you and she paid the price for it.

Her father's last shot at her was his cruelest. The guilt Maura continued to feel over the injuries her mother had suffered was not easing. It had been Maura the firefighter was trying to run down that night but Constance had pushed her out of the way. She had almost gotten her mother killed. It was all her fault. All the choices she had made in life had lead her down the path that brought her into that arson case and into the direct path of that car. But it was her mother that absorbed the impact of the car. It should have been her. The pain and long recovery Constance was forced to endure broke Maura's heart. For her father to use that accident against her broke Maura into a pieces she was now convinced could never be put back together.

Tears again started to fall down Maura's cheeks. She still could not replay that moment with her father without breaking down and crying. He had managed to latch onto to every doubt and insecurity Maura had and he had twisted it all into what felt like one knife stabbing her right in the gut.

Drawing in a deep breath and wiping away the tears from her cheeks Maura re-focused in on the game that was still being played. As it turned out, the Red Sox were winning easily as it was the top of the 9th and they were up 5 runs. Well, at least Jane's brothers got to see a win she thought. Feeling drained, Maura grabbed the remote, turned off the TV and headed to bed. She hoped for a dreamless sleep.

Maura awoke the next morning feeling marginally better rested than the day before. It hadn't been a dreamless sleep but she had slept more than she thought she would. It was shaping up to be a beautiful morning and Maura felt the urge to go running. She changed into her running attire and pulled her iPod from her suitcase. Maybe the run would help start to clear her head.

Maura run around Central Park for more than an hour. It hadn't really helped to clear her head but the run felt good on her muscles. She had been neglecting any kind of an exercise routine for well over a week and it felt good to run some of the rust off.

She seemed to be a bit more relaxed when she was greeted by Jeffrey as he held open the door for her.

"Good morning Dr. Isles."

"Good morning Jeffrey," she acknowledged and thanked him for opening the door.

Maura walked towards the elevator when something caught her attention from the corner of her eye. She stopped almost on a dime and slowly turned to her right. There, sitting in a chair with one leg crossed over the other and arms folded lightly across her lap, was Jane.

"Do I still merit a greeting Maura?"