A/N Very, very Maura-centric. But it can not be avoided at this point in the story.

Chapter 12

Jane desperately wanted to know what was wrong. She couldn't begin to help Maura until she understood what all of this was about. What scared Jane the most was that this was really the first time she had ever seen Maura struggle to even participate in a conversation. Usually, even when the topic was tough, Maura would tackle the issues head on and use logic and reasoning. But now, the Maura sitting in front of Jane was almost a stranger. She saw self doubt and confusion etched on Maura's face and she could find no trace of the confidence that normally enveloped Maura.

"I never really belonged in life. My biological parents didn't want me," Maura started. Jane held her tongue not wanting to impede on Maura's movement of the conversation. "My adoptive parents accepted me but then never really knew what to do with me. I drifted through most of my life alone.

"When I was first told by my mother that I was adopted, I wasn't even surprised. In fact, my first thought was that it explained several things I had been wondering about up to that point. I know I've told you that I didn't ask for much from them and they were very wrapped up in their own lives. I started to wonder early on, when I was five or six, if there was something wrong with me. My parents provided for me but there wasn't any real sense of love or warmth that I would see from other families. I tried to work through why and I just keep coming back to believing that it had to be something about me.

"When I was about to turn seven, my mother told me that I was adopted. I remember her taking me by the hand and sitting me down at our dining room table. She explained to me that she hadn't been able to have a child of her own so they adopted me.

"As soon as she said I was adopted and it was because she couldn't have a child of her own, I knew that I would never be fully loved or accepted by her or my father. It wasn't presented to me in that 'of all the babies we chose you' context. I heard what she said and to me it was her way of saying I was what they had to settle for when what they really wanted they couldn't have."

"Maura," Jane couldn't hold her tongue any longer.

But Maura quickly held up a hand in a stop motion. "Jane, please just let me work through all of this."

Jane closed her mouth and just nodded.

"It made perfect sense to me. I was already thinking something was wrong. Having my mother define the perimeters of what it was actually helped me accept it easier. They weren't mean or neglectful to me. But, I always felt like I was being held at a distance from them. I was never fully embraced and accepted by them as a true daughter. That was the reason I sent away for the application for boarding school. I figured it would be best for all three of us if I was removed from their family circle as much as I could be.

"They both stayed involved in my life but they both seemed to appreciate my willingness to stay away. I was given every financial advantage, all the right schools, all the right social networks. There was just never any true closeness and it's amazing what you can accept or get used to if you are surrounded by it enough. I just got used to the limitations of the family that I was given.

"In many ways, the lack of emotional connection to my parents helped push me to where I am right now. Science was a nice escape for me. It was logical and analytical and there was always an answer. Emotions played no part in discovery or research. It was comforting to me. Becoming a doctor just seemed to be a natural evolution for me and the forensic pathology path was easiest for me because I could avoid emotional connections to patients. It was safe and I embraced it fully.

"Had things stayed the same for me, I think I would have been just fine in life. I wasn't really aware of what I was missing out on from an emotional needs perspective so I don't believe I would have ever felt cheated out of anything. You can't miss what you never had. But, things didn't stay the same for me. I met you."

Maura paused for the first time during her delivery and it was to make eye contact with Jane. Up to that point, her focus was downshifted or moving from object to object in the room. Suddenly, she was deadlocked into a gaze with Jane. Jane held her breath and found herself in such unchartered territory that she didn't know if Maura was going to say knowing her was a good or a bad thing.

Maura read Jane's face and sighed. You really don't know just how much you mean to me, do you? she thought. "Meeting you, Jane, was the best thing that has ever happened to me." She held Jane's eyes as she said the entire sentence. "But, it has turned my world a little upside down.

"Before you, I didn't know about friendship. I knew about acquaintances. Before you, I didn't worry about human interactions. I avoided them. We joke about my being a cyborg but that's not totally a mischaracterization of my personality before I met you. You brought humanity into my life Jane and I will forever be grateful to you for that."

Jane's eyes started to swell with tears. She inhaled deeply and tried to steady herself from the raw emotions of what Maura was saying. There were things she desperately wanted to say, things about Maura and what she meant to her. Things about the impact Maura had on her life. But she sensed this was still only about Maura. Maura was building up to something. There was still so much that Maura needed to get out, to say, that Jane just couldn't intercept the conversation for her own personal needs.

Maura reached out and grabbed Jane's hands. Squeezing them, she continued. "You have been so wonderful to me. You accepted me for who I was and you have never tried to change me. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by what I felt was unconditional support and friendship. Early on, it became apparent to me what I had been missing out on in life.

"And then there is your family. Your parents, your brothers, all of them seemed to just accept that I was this person in your life and that I was a friend without any questions. Without any doubts. It was a second dose of pure, unconditional acceptance from them. Because I mattered to you, I mattered to them. I had never experienced anything like that before. I felt so protected and secure by it.

"The more time I spent with you and your family, the more I regretted the way I was brought up. I was jealous of your relationship with your family. But, I was grateful that I got to witness it. Jane, they all care for you so much. One of the things I look forward to every day is the possibility was watching some kind of exchange between you and your family because every time I get to see it I get a glimpse of what is right in this world.

"So again, if things had stayed the same I believe I would have been just fine in life. Happier and more open to people and relationships and surrounded by people I cared for and who for some reason seemed to care for me as well. But things didn't stay the same. I found out who my biological father was.

"I know we have discussed parts of this. You know my concerns about what it means to have Doyle's DNA as part of me. When I learned who he was and what he was part of me reverted back to when I was a child and believed there was something wrong with me. I started to think that my parents kept me at a distance because they knew what was within me and they were afraid I would turn out like Doyle. I started to believe that maybe they had known and that was why I was never fully accepted by them.

"Trying to deal with Doyle, with what he means to my life really threw my sense of self into disarray. I've struggled to come to terms with it all and I still feel as if I don't know who I am at my core. To be honest with you, I've been on pretty shaky psychological ground for some time. It didn't help matters when Doyle was shot and it became public knowledge that he was my biological father."

Ouch! That last statement hit Jane like a bulldozer.