Chapter 13

Jane pulled her hands from Maura's like they were on fire. It was Jane who shot Doyle. It was Jane that caused the media splash about Maura and Doyle's connection. Jane knew she hurt her friend when all that happened but she didn't realized just how deep that hurt had run. She wanted to scream she was sorry. She wanted to fix it for Maura. But, she continued to just sit and listen.

Maura saw the hurt look that washed over Jane's face. Damn it, this was what I was trying not to do. Stop hurting Jane! "Jane, don't. Don't even start to beat yourself up about Doyle. None of that was your fault. I'm not telling you any of this to hurt you. I'm just trying to explain where I'm at and Doyle factors into it. I'm sorry I don't want to upset you."

Finding her voice Jane looked up at Maura. "I'm okay. I will admit that I'm having an awful time just sitting here listening to you. There are things I want to say. Things I think you need to hear. But I want you to finish what's on your mind first. It's important that I let you keep talking."

Maura nodded acknowledging what she was sure she already knew. Jane had things she wanted to say but Jane was also right. Maura had started down this path and she had to get all the way to the end. Jane would just have to wait for her turn. Maura took comfort in Jane's patience which now seemed to be endless.

"The media coverage of Doyle's connection to me was the last thing I needed. I didn't need a daily reminder of something I knew I needed to deal with but was desperately trying to avoid. I don't, even now really, know how I feel about him. I know who he is and I know what he has done. But I have yet to resolve my feelings for him.

"I'd like to think I can just walk away. But I'm connected to him in a way that haunts me. He killed someone because of me. For me. I'm responsible for what he did to Tommy O'Rourke. And I know that he was already a killer before that night and I know that O'Rourke has just as many lives on his hands as Doyle, but the bottom line is that O'Rourke died because of me. I have to live with that every day.

"Then there are my mothers. Hope doesn't want me and I can understand that. I'm just a constant reminder of a painful experience she would rather forget. I should never have told her who I was. I knew it wasn't going to end with some magical family reunion. How could she ever be expected to accept me, to love me. I'm a killer's daughter. I'm a reminder of a horrible decision she once made in her life. She would have been better off never knowing me.

"But all of that pales in comparison to what I did to my mother. She almost died because of me. That should have been me that was run down, not her. It was me that went digging into those arsons and it was me that was the intended target. My mother pushed me out of the way. She never should have done that. She never should have risked her life to try to protect me."

Maura started to cry again as she spoke of her mother. Jane had done her best to listen to Maura and let her talk without interrupting. She knew all of this needed to come out of Maura. But she was finding it harder and harder to sit quietly while Maura expressed some of her thoughts because she was just flat out wrong. Treading carefully, Jane could no longer stay quiet.

"Maura. Maura look at me," Jane's tone was strong but not harsh. Maura looked up. "I can't sit here any longer and listen you try to explain how everyone in your life would be better off without you. I know that's where you are going with this. I won't let you do that anymore. And I won't let you take the blame for things that are not your fault.

"I get that you are hurting. I get that you are feeling a bit lost. I'll talk you through any issues you have, any doubts you have and any questions that you have. But, you are going to have to stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened to you. And you most certainly have to stop thinking people are better not having you in their lives. Nobody who knows you, really knows you, could ever think that."

Maura dropped her eyes and let tears flow down her cheeks. "The thing is Jane, yes they can. And they do."

"Who?" Jane asked confused.

Maura took a deep breath. "My father." She barely said it above a whisper.

"What do you mean your father?"

"He came to see me last week and he wants nothing to do with me ever again."

Jane sat back against the couch. So that's what all of this is about. "Maura, he couldn't have meant it," she tried.

Maura got up and walked into the bedroom. Jane heard the sound of drawer open and papers being pushed around. She returned with an envelope and what looked like legal papers. "He meant it Jane." And Maura handed over the papers to Jane.

Jane looked at the papers trying to figure out what she was looking at. The title towards the top read "Dissolution of Trust" and then there was a lot of legal language. As Jane scanned the papers, she felt nauseous. She was, in essence, hold paperwork confirming that Mr. Isles was disowning Maura. Jane looked up in complete shock.

"Oh my God, Maura!" Jane's heart broke for her. How could he do this to her? That son of a bitch! "He gave you these last week?"

"No, those were sent by messenger over to me a few days ago. Last week I got the in-person visit where he demanded I stay away from him and my mother."

"Maura, I'm so sorry. Why?"

"Because of everything I've been telling you. He hit it all. Doyle, O'Rourke, Constance's accident. He threw it all at me and then he was done. This dissolution is just a formality."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this sooner?"

"I wanted to. After he left and I fell apart I had the phone in my hand and I almost called you. But…"

"But what?"

"But he was right. He was right about all of it. I've caused them nothing but trouble and I just couldn't get past the feeling that I'm more trouble than I'm worth." It was a hard thing for Maura to admit out loud. "I knew if I called you would drop everything and try to comfort me. I just didn't think I deserved to be comforted."

Jane stood up and started pacing. The anger she felt towards what Maura's father had done was blinding. She clinched and flexed her hands. She needed to calm herself down because she needed to speak to Maura and sound rational. When Jane finally calmed down she turned to Maura who had also stood up but was not pacing. "Sit," and she pointed to the couch. Maura sat.

"Ok, I'm going to say this just once and you are going to listen to me and then we are both just going to accept it as the complete truth and move on without debate. Maura, you are amazing. You are the kindest, smartest, most generous person I have ever known. The fact that you have gone through all the things you have had to endure in your life and you still get up every day, do great work helping those who can no longer help themselves and still try to put others before your own needs just proves how amazing you are.

"You are my best friend. I've never, ever allowed myself to rely on anyone the way I rely on you. And I rely on you because I know you will be there for me, because I trust you and because I have complete faith that you will never hurt me. You are the only person I trust to see my vulnerable side because I know you will not view me as weak or pathetic.

"And it's not just me, Maura. My whole family adores you. My mother considers you a daughter. Tommy and Frankie see you as a sister. You talked earlier about how much our accepting you into our family meant to you but you need to consider how much you mean to our family. How much you mean to me. I can't even imagine my life without you.

"All of this," and she pointed down to the papers from her father, "just sucks. I am so sorry that you have to deal with someone you loved and trusted hurting you the way that your father has hurt you. But Maura, this is his issue. Him. Not you. If he can't see you for who you really are then it will be his loss. He will miss out on a lifetime of memories and joys from you and spending time with you. If he can't see the real you, then he doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

"As for Doyle and O'Rourke, I know that all of that has shaken you to the core. I'm here for you and I will help you sort through all of your emotions and concerns. But we can do it together. And through it all, I will continue to remind you, daily if I have to, that you are nothing like Doyle. You, Maura Isles, do not have a single vindictive bone in your body…"

"Jane, bones can't possibly possess human emotional traits."

For the first time since her arrival in New York, Jane laughed. "You just couldn't help yourself, could you?"

"No," Maura finally smiled, "I guess I can't."

"Maura, family is complicated. It's messy. And in the end family has nothing to do with deoxyribonucleic acid." At that Maura looked stunned and raised an eyebrow. "What? I know some things," Jane smirked as she said that last line. "As I was saying, family has nothing to do with genetics. Family is about love and acceptance. Sometimes a person is lucky and finds that with the biological family. Sometimes it's found with an adoptive family. Others find it with the friends they choose to surround themselves with.

"A person just has to hold on to wherever it comes from. Family keeps you grounded. And you Maura, have family right in front of you."

Maura, crying again, embraced Jane. But this time, it was a different kind of cry. It was a grateful, hopeful cry.