Chapter 20

Maura had finished getting cleaned up and joined Jane on the terrace. She looked over at the cell phone that was in Jane's hand. "How's Angela doing today?"

Jane let out a heavy sigh. "She's still pouting. And she's worried about you."

Maura nodded. She was silent for a minute. "I should call her. You shouldn't have to take the brunt of her all by yourself. You are here because of me in the first place. Besides, I should thank her for worrying about me. "

"Maura, she doesn't need to be thanked for worrying about you. She loves you. Her worry for you is just going to happen. It's the price you pay for admission to the Rizzoli family," Jane said with nothing but compassion in her tone. "But, if you feel up to it, you really should call her later."

Jane sat back and looked at her friend. Maura looked better rested but there was still such a sadness etched across her face. Don't let tomorrow be a break day. Maura had asked that of her last night. Jane instinctively knew that was Maura's way of asking for Jane to push her a little harder than she had to this point. Jane, in fact, had not pushed Maura to talk about anything up to this point.

Jane stood up from the chair she had been sitting in and walked over to the railing. She turned and allowed herself to lean back against it. This allowed her to look at Maura. She went to say something but hesitated. She paused and tried it again. And again she hesitated.

Maura picked up on Jane's hesitations. "What Jane?"

Jane looked at her friend. "There are things I want to ask you but I don't where the boundaries on this are."

"Jane, I have no boundaries with you. You can ask me anything you want," there was such frankness in her voice as she said that.

Don't let tomorrow be a break day. It was resonating in Jane's head. She took a deep breath and decided to ask.

"Why did you run away from me?"

Maura did a double take. It wasn't the question she was expecting Jane to ask. She stared back at Jane and noticed the hurt that was buried behind the question. "I….um…," she started but didn't quite know how to answer.

Jane was a little surprised. That hadn't been the question she was going to lead with but it just managed to come out. Looking at Maura struggling for an answer, she now regretted putting it out there. The last thing she was trying to do was cause Maura more grief. "I'm sorry Maura. That was selfish of me to ask. Forget I said anything," she said and she dropped her gaze down to her feet.

Maura leaned forward in the chair she was sitting still trying to formulate the answer she wanted to give to Jane. There was an answer for the question but Maura was trying to figure out if she had the courage to actually say it. Part of her wanted to but part of her felt too weak to answer. She knew she could get out of the question. Jane was already trying to take it back. But, she would never be able to erase the fact that Jane had to ask in the first place. If she was smart, she would take the chance and give the real answer. But, was she smart enough? She was about to find out.

"Jane, it's not a selfish question. And it's a question that you have every right to ask. I just don't know if I can give you an answer that will make any sense."

"Can you at least try? And maybe selfish is a bad way to phrase it. Unfair is more like it. For me, of all people, to ask a question about why someone ran away; that's definitely unfair. But that's just the thing. Of the two of us, I'm the one who runs away from things. Not you. But you ran and I really wish I knew why."

Jane's stark honesty about her own habit of running surprised Maura. "You haven't run from anything in quite some time Jane."

"I used to. I used to run all the time."

"Do you remember why?" Maybe Maura could work through an explanation using Jane's own experiences as a starting point.

Jane took a breath. She had started this conversation so she owed it to the both of them to see it through. "I used to believe I wasn't good enough for anyone to deal with any of my issues. That I wasn't worthy of anyone's time or love."

"But you stopped running somewhere along the way didn't you. " Jane only nodded a yes. "Do you know what changed?"

"It was you. You somehow got past all the walls I had put up and made me believe that maybe, just maybe, I deserved to have someone care for me. I let myself…. trust you. Trust us." Jane let one thing go unsaid not sure how to express it or if Maura wanted to hear it.

"I think I ran because that's close to where I suddenly found myself. These last few months have been so taxing for me. For years I had a firm grasp on who I thought I was. Then Doyle and Hope and what happened to my mother. When my father announced that he was cutting me out of his life, it was like the last piece of what I was holding on to just severed.

"It felt like everything came crashing down on me. All the things I thought I knew, thought I could count on seemed to have vanished. I can't completely explain how it felt but I found myself feeling worthless and alone. With everything that had happened, I started to believe I deserved to be alone. "

"You're not alone Maura. You have me."

"I know. And I knew that last week, too. But that only made things harder for me. Somewhere something within me didn't believe I deserved to have you, or anyone for that matter, in my life. I couldn't get myself to reach out to you, to talk to you about what had happened. I didn't think I deserved to have you make me feel better. So I started to avoid you.

"I am sorry about that Jane. But when I was around you I found myself wanting to tell you what was going on and I just couldn't. And seeing your mother, your family, the family that had taken me in as one of yours, I really couldn't deal with that. It just felt wrong. I didn't deserve it. I hadn't earned it. I was meant to be alone so I backed away from you all.

"When you picked up on the fact that there was something wrong, I knew you wouldn't let it rest. I knew you would continue to push me until I broke and told you and I couldn't find the words to explain why I just wasn't worth the effort and concern. So, I thought if I took off for a while I could get my head in a better place and maybe find a way to still be around for you without staying too much in your life."

That last point startled Jane. Was she really in danger of losing her? "Ok Maura, that's now the second time I've heard you talk about feeling worthless and that you deserved to be alone. I can't stand to hear that come from you again." She moved closer and took hold of Maura's hands and stared directly into her eyes. "Listen to me. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be cared for and have people in your life who love you. What you don't deserve is what Phillip is trying to do to you. You have to fight for what you want."

"I fight."

"You are fighting all the wrong things. You are fighting me. You are fighting the people who care about you instead of fighting back against the man that has hurt you. You are just letting him walk all over you and your reaction is to run from the ones with whom you should be seeking shelter."

"I'm not letting him walk all over me," but there was no force behind those words.

"Maura, you didn't even put up a fight with him. You signed the papers. You have let him just win."

Maura had a shocked look across her face. Jane knew she signed the dissolution agreement. She dropped her eyes and stared down at her feet. Jane gently placed her hand under Maura's chin and tilted her head back up so she could see into Maura's eyes.

"Don't give in that quickly. Don't just give up. There are things I'm sure you want and need to say to him. Don't just make this all neat and clean. That's letting him have what he wants. Fight this, Maura."

"Jane, you didn't see the look in his eyes or hear the tone of his voice. He has made his decision."

"So what! Maybe his mind is made up. Maybe you can't change it. But you haven't even tried. You are just conceding that he is right, that you deserve to be thrown out of a life that is yours. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't just throw that away without even trying to fight for it. If he won't change his stance, at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering whether or not you could have said or done something to make him change his mind.

"Or maybe if you talk to him you'll decide that what he did was wrong and cruel and that you want him out of your life. But then, this separation will be because it's what you want not something that he just did to you. I don't have the answers about this Maura. This ultimately comes down to you and him but I foresee nothing but continued heartache and regret for you if you just resign yourself to this without at least trying to speak to him again."

Neither said anything for a few minutes. Then Jane broke the silence.

"Maura, where does Constance figure into all of this?"

A/N Ok, so if you haven't figured it out, I'm starting to lay the foundation for these two realizing that they are more than friends. But, I will warn you that it's not going to be an instant "we love each other" thing so sorry if it feels like I'm dragging it out...but I am sort of and I'm claiming writer's prerogative on that. Sue me :)

Also, it's time to handle the Constance end of this story- and trust me when I say I think you will all be happy with how I work through that.

Continued thanks for your feedback, interest and patience...