Alec felt like collapsing right in the middle of the soccer field. His bones felt as if they were noodles and he was positive he would have to scrub so hard there'd be a new layer of skin to get all of the mud off his calves. On top of that he was the one that had to pick up all of the equipment after practice was over. His 'soccer star' status, as Coach Wayland constantly reminded him, made other team members look to him as a leader and with leadership came responsibilities.

He was starting to wonder why he ever took that scholarship offer anyways. His parents had enough money to practically buy a university.

Oh yeah, Alec quickly remembered, he had the incessant need to be loved and accepted by his parents. It was as if his exceptional grades and athletic skills would gloss over the fact that he was gay and would never give them grandchildren.

It wasn't even like his parents were dying to have children. Hell, they weren't exceptionally good parents in the first place. Sure, they weren't bad parents in the least but it had been clear to Alec since he was about eight years old that business came first and family second (something Alec could never understand. His family came before everything). Business was exactly why Alec felt so sad about never becoming a father (he didn't really have a desire to have children as Jace, Izzy, and Max were enough for him). Since Alec could remember his parents, mostly his father, had instilled it in him that as the eldest, Alec would inherit the largest percentage and most responsibilities of the family business.

And one day, Robert had explained, Alec would be able to pass it on to his own children. And even at twelve years of age, Alec knew that would never happen.

Alec collapsed down onto a bench, feeling both physically and mentally exhausted. He dropped down the bag of cones and soccer balls at his feet, closing his eyes and titling his head backwards just trying to recompose himself.

"Feeling alright there Wonder Boy?"

Alec nearly jumped out of his skin. His eyes snapped open and he turned his head in the direction the voice had come from.

"Ragnor?" Alec asked, sounding slightly disoriented. It was as if he had just awoken from a long nap.

Snickering to himself, Ragnor appeared from behind the bleachers and took a seat on the bench beside Alec.

"Need to work on those keen senses of yours Wonder Boy," Ragnor teased, elbowing Alec playfully.

Alec had the urge to tell him the Wonder Boy jokes were not, nor were they ever, funny but the last thing he wanted to do but was get into a disagreement with one of Magnus' closest friends.

"What are you doing here?" Alec asked confused. He was also feeling slightly worried about his school's security because if it was this easy to sneak on and off campus grounds then there could be serious trouble one day.

"Is this a rhetorical question? I'm pretty sure it's fairly obvious why I'm here."

His response was so similar to something Jace would say that Alec has the fight the urge to reprimand him.

"No, it's not rhetorical." Alec replied after taking a deep breath.

"I'm here to see you of course."

Alec couldn't fight the roll of his eyes.

"I knew that. Why are you here to see me?"

"I want to talk, about Magnus."

Alec could have guessed that as well, but he decided not to say anything.

"What about him?" Alec asked, feeling defensive and worried at the same time.

A million thoughts were running through Alec's mind. Was Magnus already growing tired of him? Had he thought about their conversation last night and come to the conclusion that dating a high school kid just wasn't worth it? Was Magnus the kind of guy that would send his roommate to be the bearer of bad news?

Sure that would seem complete unlike the man he was quickly falling for, but Magnus didn't seem like the type for confrontation either.

"How serious are you about this . . . well whatever the hell it is going on between you two?"

"He's my boyfriend," Alec said defensively. "And why are you asking me that?"

Ragnor looked slightly taken aback by Alec's anger, but he quickly recovered.

"He gave you a key," Ragnor said, as if that explained everything.

Alec blinked.

"Yeah, it was just to make things easier." His voice had softened quite a bit when he answered. Did the key mean more than he thought it did? After all Ragnor did go out of his way to meet with him.

"Is that why you're here? Because Magnus gave me a key?" Alec asked, when Ragnor didn't say anything.

"Something like that," Ragnor responded.

"You don't think I'm serious about Magnus." Alec whispered, something finally clicking in his brain.

"Well are you?" Ragnor challenged. His seeming disbelief only irritated Alec slightly. He was concerned with the fact that Magnus may be wondering this exact same thing.

"Did he send you to ask that?" Alec asked, not bothering to answer Ragnor's question.

Ragnor shook his head, looking mildly annoyed.

"Magnus has no idea that I'm even here. Probably doesn't even notice I'm gone actually, which is actually a bit insulting as I've been gone since this morning."

"You've been here since this morning?"

"No don't be ridiculous Wonder Boy; I've been in Manhattan since this morning. I only got here about twenty minutes ago . . . there may have been some problems with my directions."

Alec snorted.

"Magnus said you're awful with directions," Alec said absently.

"Still haven't answered my question Wonder Boy."

"I'm serious about Magnus. Why wouldn't I be?"

Ragnor sighed.

"Look you seem like a nice kid, hell you make Magnus happy and I know it doesn't seem like it but he hasn't always been so happy."

Alec raised an eyebrow in question. He couldn't even picture Magnus as anything but the happy go lucky guy he met at the party.

"What does that have to do with me?" Alec asked, feeling slightly defensive again.

"Because Magnus has a heart, a damn big one at that, and I won't watch some high school kid shatter it."

"I don't plan on doing that to him," Alec whispered. Honestly he kept expecting Magnus to eventually break his heart sooner or later.

Ragnor sighed, running a hand through his hair and it was clear Alec's answer had done nothing to soothe his nerves.

"I know you don't plan on it Alec," Ragnor said sincerely and Alec was relieved that he actually used his name instead of Wonder Boy. "No one does and you seem way too nice but . . . how many people know?"

"Know what?" Alec questioned immediately, though he knew what Ragnor meant.

"About you, about Magnus, about you and Magnus."

Alec looked ashamed, diverting his gaze to his mud splattered cleats.

"Just my siblings, an ex-boyfriend, and . . . an old friend," Alec replied sadly.

"So none of them know?" Ragnor asked, jerking his head in the direction of the locker rooms where a few guys on the team were walking and laughing around, headed back to their dorms.

Alec shook his head, watching the guys he called teammates and considered friends walk away.

"None of them know."

"And will they ever? Or are you honestly considering only sneaking out to see Magnus on weekends and once or twice a week for an entire school year?"

"I hadn't thought of it like that," Alec confessed. Here he was thinking telling his brother was a huge feat in their relationship, he hadn't thought of coming out to ever more people, at least not yet.

"Look, I'm not saying to throw your own pride parade or anything like that and I get that this stuff is hard."

No you don't get it, Alec thought. How on Earth could Ragnor get what it was like to be afraid of his own parents despising him for something he couldn't help?

"I'm just saying," Ragnor continued, "That you shouldn't keep Magnus hidden away forever. He deserves more than that and if you're as serious about him as you say you are then you'll do the right thing."

There was a long silence and Ragnor stood up, likely wanting to leave Alec alone with his thoughts.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean," Ragnor sighed, " that if there comes a point that it feels like you're stuck between being Magnus' bf and mommy and daddy's golden straight boy, don't make the decision that'll screw my best friend over. End it before it gets to that if you think it will."

With those words and a small wave goodbye, Ragnor walked away. Of course, as fate would have it, Alec didn't get the chance to be fully alone to mull over Ragnor's words.

"Dude, who the hell was that," Jace asked as he walked over to Alec.

Alec groaned and put his head in his hands.

"Seriously the security at this school is downright awful."

Jace snickered and put an arm around his brother.

"Yes, I've been using that to my advantage for three years now. So seriously who in the hell was that?"

"He's Magnus's roommate," Alec answered not bothering to hide the dread he was feeling.

Jace furrowed his brow, "Is he um…"

Alec sighed. "No he's not gay."

"I meant to ask if he was a serial killer. Dude had serious crazy eyes."

"Not funny Jace. I'm really not in the mood."

"Did he do something?" Jace asked, sounding genuinely worried.

Sometimes it made Alec's head spin to see just how quickly Jace could go from joking and playful to angry and protective.

"No, he's not the one who did something. It's all on me."

"Did something happen with Magnus?"

"No things with Magnus are great . . . for now."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Alec looked up at Jace, their eyes meeting and Alec could see how concerned his brother truly was for him. "How do you think mom and dad would react?"

"To you having late night conversations with a dude with crazy eyes? Not sure, but probably not well."

"Jace," Alec warned.

Jace's lip twitched and Alec knew he was just trying to lighten the mood.

"To me being . . . what I am."

"You mean being gay?" Jace said, with no qualms about the word at all.

Alec flinched. "Yes, how do you think they'd react to me being gay?"

"Honestly Alec," Jace sounded a bit sad. "I don't know."

Alec gnawed on his bottom lip. "I don't know either."

While that was the answer Alec had expected, it wasn't the answer he wanted. He'd wanted reassurance, even if it may be false, that his parents wouldn't care that he was gay. That they wouldn't treat him differently. He wanted to hear it from someone else because it was something he could never tell himself. Alec always knew his parents wouldn't be the most supportive, no matter how much they loved him. At best, they'd simply be okay with it, he knew.

"I wish you'd lied," Alec confessed.

Jace gave him a hard look, but there was still a sympathetic glint in his golden eyes.

"No you don't. You wanted the truth. You were just hoping you were wrong about mom and dad. If you wanted to be lied to you'd go to Izzy."

"I don't want to do. I can't keep Magnus hidden away forever but I can't . . . I don't want to mom and dad to hate me."

"They could never hate you Alec," Jace replied quickly.

"I really like him," Alec whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed by the confession.

Was it normal to fall so quickly for someone? It had to be because as of right now Magnus was all Alec could think of. It was beginning to become problematic.

"Then he'll be worth it," Jace said with conviction. Alec cocked an eyebrow. He had definitely expected at least a little teasing.

"Trust me Alec, when you fall for someone hard enough they'll be worth almost anything."

Alec blinked.

"Clary?" Alec asked.

Jace nodded, looking a bit pained as he did.

"Is everything okay with you two?"

Jace just shrugged, as if he didn't really care. Alec knew better, the way Jace knew better with him.

"Jace," Alec began but Jace quickly interrupted.

"I really like her Alec, but her mom . . . she sort of despises me, told Clary I'm just like her father or something."

Jace explained when Alec raised an eyebrow.

"He's dead. He died before Clary was born but apparently he was a real ass and . . . I guess she sees that in me too."

"You're not an ass Jace."

Jace didn't look convinced.

"You're not, you just want to look like you are for whatever demented reasons you have."

Jace actually looked surprised but he made no attempt to rebut Alec's accusation, so Alec continued.

"You do stupid stuff to purposefully get negative attention like getting kicked off the team or failing classes when you're probably smarter than half the professors. I don't know why you do it, though I wish I did but I know it's not the real you . . . and I bet Clary does too."

Jace's lip twitched.

"Yeah. She said something similar, but she punched me when she said it."

Alec snorted.

"She's definitely a keeper."

Jace's smile broadened, lighting up his whole face. It was the same type of smile Magnus had. Though if you asked Alec, Magnus' smile was just a smidgen brighter, and it made his face have an ethereal glow.

"Look," Alec felt ashamed to confess this but he had to help his brother. "I think I know her mom."

Jace looked confused.

"I uh, might have met her one night through Magnus. She's an artist right?"

Jace nodded.

"Well then I have and she's close with Magnus. They've done business together. I think . . . maybe if I talked to him he could . . . try to talk to her."

"Alexander Lightwood, look at you becoming the manipulative son of a bitch I always knew you could be. What are you gonna do in exchange for his help? A blowjob? Be his sex slave for a week?"

And just like that, Jace was back to normal again. With a groan Alec shoved his brother off the bench. They continued to joke around, pushing and shoving at each other and just being brothers.

"You're welcome, Jace!" Alec teased in a low voice, as Jace took off when they heard the sound of someone approaching.

"Lightwood?" And for the third time that night Alec had an unexpected visitor, while all he really wanted was to be alone with his thoughts. Though admittedly, talking to Jace had helped him.

"Coach?" Alec asked, standing up and grabbing the bag of soccer equipment as he did so.

Alec had thought Coach Wayland would have been inside by now as he was always was one of the first to leave after practice leaving it to the players (this year, Alec) to pick everything up.

"What are you doing here?" Alec asked before he could stop himself. Coach looked slightly surprised.

"Well I am the soccer coach Alec, and this is the soccer field." Coach Wayland replied with a laugh.

Alec blushed.

"That's not what I meant. I was just confused; you usually go home right after practice. I've never seen you stay after unless you're taking the team out to eat or something."

Coach shook his head, but was still laughing.

"It's alright, but you're actually just the person I wanted to see."

Still chuckling Coach Wayland put an arm around Alec and began to guide him towards the school. There were very few words exchanged as they made their way to Coach's office. Well, there was conversation but it was mostly one sided, Coach really liked to talk and Alec was used to this after having him as a coach four years, that and before that Coach Wayland and his father were close friends, best friends even. If such a thing were possible, sometimes it was hard to imagine either of his parents having true friends they were so distant and robotic most of the time.

Coach signaled for Alec to shut the door as he took his seat at the desk, and then gestured for Alec to take a seat as well. Alec complied, feeling uncomfortable.

"How's Herondale doing?" He asked, drumming his nails across his messy desk. Why it was in such disarray was a mystery to Alec. Unlike most of the coaches at the school, Coach Wayland's only job was to coach soccer.

It figured, Alec thought, despite how Jace acted people would always have a soft spot for him. Alec would know better than anyone, Jace was his best friend after all.

"He's . . . fine I guess."

Coach nodded. Jace used to be his favorite, everyone was sure that he'd be the one to get the scholarship and all of the fame and Alec might have as well, but the difference was with Alec it was a possibility with Jace it was a cold hard fact. Of course, that all changed when Jace's mouth got him kicked off the team Robert understood, Maryse however was still pissed at Coach to this very day. Of course, Maryse had never liked Coach much, so that may have had something to do with it.

"Is that why you wanted to talk? To ask about Jace?"

Coach snorted, as if that was preposterous. It wasn't to Alec, he'd dealt with random girls coming up and talking to him for just that reason.

"No Alec, that's not why I wanted to talk to you," he replied. He must have noticed the look of offense on Alec's face.

To be completely honest, Alec admired the man. Coach was a really good guy, a mentor of sorts to Alec, but sometimes he was so damn clueless it frustrated him. This was one of the few instances where he wasn't completely oblivious, so Alec felt a lot less annoyed.

"I'm actually a bit concerned about you Alec."

That, Alec was not expecting.

"M-Me Coach? Why?"

"Relax Alec, you haven't done anything wrong," Coach Wayland said, signaling for Alec to calm down.

"I'm just concerned about you. You've seemed . . . distant lately. You're my best friend's son and my best player. I notice these things."

Alec briefly wondered why the hell everyone was starting to notice these things just now. He'd always been distant.

"I don't really know what you mean, sir," Alec replied, unable to hide the exasperation from his voice.

Coach stared at him a while, as if trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not and Alec did his best not to squirm under the hard gaze. He had never been a good liar but he was sure as hell trying his best not to give anything away. If Coach ever found out what Alec was so "distant lately" then Robert would be the first one to get a call. Alec couldn't have that.

Eventually, a small smile appeared of Coach Wayland's face and Alec was immediately comforted. It was odd, because as Alec's second father figure (as his coach and his father's best friend) Alec felt the slightly twinge of guilt lying to the man. It had to be done, he knew, but the guilt was still there. He'd always been easily guilted, even when the other person wasn't trying to make him feel guilty.

"I'm just making sure you're okay kid," Coach said leaning across the desk and patting Alec on the shoulder.

"I don't want there to be too much pressure on you, alright?"

Alec nodded, unable to speak because of all the overwhelming emotions he was feeling. There was guilt over Magnus, his family, his coach, hell at times he was even lying to himself. With a nod, and a small goodbye Alec left the office, a deep pain in his chest.

/ / /

Sorry this took so long, but here's a preview from a future chapter to try and make up for the wait.

Alec lifted himself up, the muscles in his arms tensing as he looked down at Magnus. His lips were swollen and his eyes glazed over and Alec thought he probably looked about the same. Magnus lifted a hand and placed it on Alec's cheek. Alec closed his eyes at the sensation of Magnus' cool, soft hands on his heated face.

"Is everything alright darling?" Magnus asked, concern in his gaze.

Alec opened his eyes, staring down at his boyfriend- the man he was quickly falling in love with and shook his head. The guilt he'd been feeling for so long quadrupled.

"No, it's not."