Chapter 29

Jane set out to arrange return travel to Boston. Both Maura and Jane had taken the train from Boston to New York and Jane found no reason to alter that as a means of return. She powered on Maura's laptop and started to search for return trains. She was able to book two First Class seats on the Acela express train for the following day. The express would cut off almost an hour from the trip and that made Jane happy. She would have preferred to fly but her trip was so last minute she had settled for the train. She assumed the same thing happened for Maura. At least she would be able to sit and talk with Maura for the return trip. That should help her enjoy the trip back more than initial trip out when she was still panicked about Maura.

She went into the master bedroom and looked around. Packing for her would be easy. Her stuff was already thrown around in piles so it would only require hoisting the piles into her carry-on bag. Maura, however, posed an entirely different packing challenge. First, she had about three times as many clothes as Jane had brought and second, unlike Jane, Maura actually cared if any of her items got wrinkled in transport. She sized up the situation and decided it would be easier if Maura did her own packing.

She grabbed her cell phone and highlighted a name, hitting send.

"Hey Jane. How's Maura?"

"She's better Frost. We are both coming home tomorrow."

"Good. Is she ready to come back?"

"She says so. I think so. We can't stay away forever so might as well head back. How are things going there? Am I going to walking into any big issues?"

"Not really. Only one new case since you've been gone. Korsak and I are handling it. Looks like a jealous boyfriend. Alibi is shaky and Korsak thinks we can crack him if we can get Pike to actually finish his report. Jane I swear this guy redefines incompetent."

Jane chuckled at that, "He is incompetent. Thank God we have Maura." She chatted for a bit longer with Frost just get a feel for what she would be walking back into on Monday. Frost and Korsak had played well together but it was clear Frost missed Jane. Jane missed interacting with both Frost and Korsak and was looking forward to returning back to work.

After finishing her conversation with Frost, Jane thought about calling back her mother to let her know she would be home a day sooner but decided against it. She had sounded so determined to pounce on Maura when she saw her next that Jane decided it would prudent to let Maura get into town before Angela could stage a vigil at her front door.

Thinking about dinner, Jane really didn't want to dine out tonight. She suspected Maura didn't either. She wandered into the kitchen and began to review what food options were available. A nice home cooked meal for both Maura and Constance seemed to be a better option than a crowded and knowing Maura, overpriced restaurant. Jane was also fearful of ending up at some place where the food wasn't really food but items Jane would forever be convinced were never meant to be consumed by normal humans. Yes, dinner at home was sounding like a better idea.

She realized she had almost everything she would need to make the dinner she had in mind. She called down to the concierge and explained what she needed. Within minutes, they had sent up Jeffrey to gather a list for things Jane needed with a promise to fetch them quickly. Fixing dinner would give Jane something to do for the rest of the day while she waited for Maura and Constance to return from shopping.

As Jane waited for Jeffrey to return with the needed items, she made her way onto the terrace. She was actually going to miss this terrace. Her apartment didn't even have a balcony and Maura's place had a deck but it overlooked the guest house. Jane made a mental note to try to talk Maura into going up here more often.

Jane settled into a chair on the terrace and let her mind drift towards the events of the previous day. She had kissed Maura. And more importantly, Maura had kissed her back. She steadied herself for what she expected to be an onslaught of fear and doubt, especially now that she was alone for the first time since the kiss and could let herself have any reaction her body wanted. But sitting there, she wasn't overcome with either fear or doubt.

At least not in the sense of regret or self-recrimination. If Jane was completely honest with herself she did fear the consequences of changing the nature of her relationship with Maura. Maura was the best friend she had and her life didn't work right without Maura in it. She hadn't been exaggerating when she told Maura she had come looking for her more for selfish reasons than for Maura herself. Jane didn't want to lose Maura and there was a part of her that worried that if they changed their relationship the friendship would get lost somewhere.

But it was not an overwhelming fear like Jane expected it to be. It seemed like natural trepidation that accompanied any major life change decision. And that was something that surprised Jane as well. This was a major life change. She had expected stronger fallout. Instead, there was a deeper sense of anticipation than concern. As if Jane knew that this possible change, while scary, could lead to something better than what she had with Maura already. That this change could be nothing but a good thing.

She had never been attracted to a woman before. She had admired the beauty of others before but never had the desire to kiss one before. She let herself think about Maura. Maura's beauty had always been breath-taking but Jane had just assumed it was a given that Maura had affect on everyone. But for a physical desire for Maura, Jane couldn't place the exact moment that had happened.

Jane had loved Maura from the moment they had become friends. But she hadn't ever classified those feelings as being 'in love' with her. But as Jane sat and tried to figure out all of the events that had lead up to the kiss, she realized that maybe it had been because Maura was her friend first that Jane was able to evolve in her feelings for her.

Jane had never been casual about sex or love. She had never been promiscuous and was never comfortable with the idea of one night stands. She also didn't fall in and out of love easily. She had cared about both Casey and Dean but she had never been in love with either one of them. She even had liked Grant but much less than either Dean or Casey. But there was a truth that Jane had known for quite some time that none of these men could change.

That truth had nothing to do with gender or some defined notion of sexuality. Jane didn't really look at the world in that way. Words like gay, lesbian, heterosexual to Jane all those were just labels for other people to throw around to push some agenda. Love was love as far as Jane was concerned and she didn't really care in what form it would happen to take for her. No, the truth Jane had known about herself wasn't some label it was a truth about trust.

Jane had known for quite some time that she could never love, truly love, someone she didn't trust. Love was not even an option if Jane couldn't trust the person. And the thing was Jane didn't really trust anyone. Growing up she trusted her family but outside of that not many people would have made the list. When she became a cop, her training and what she saw on a daily basis made her even more resistant to trust people. Jane had seen too many crime scenes, too many murders committed by people who were supposed to love and care for their victims to allow herself to give her trust to anyone.

And then came Hoyt. Jane's multiple encounters with Hoyt had scarred her in very intimate ways. Of all the residual effect's Hoyt had on Jane, the one that scared her the most was that he had taken away her ability to really trust anyone. He had broken her, maybe not completely, but he had broken at least a part of her. And for that, she would never let anyone close enough to see that damage. She couldn't let anyone see how vulnerable she really was, ever.

So she knew, Casey, Dean, Grant, Michael, any of the seemingly hundreds of men her mother had tried to set her up with, none of them stood a chance of ever having Jane really love them. They would never and could never know the real her so the whole notion of love was never really on the table. Since she wasn't a big believer in the one night stand, her sex life had stayed relatively nonexistent.

But, then there was Maura. The one person that seemed to see right through her. The one person that seemed to know her better than anyone else. The one person that she felt completely comfortable around and who she let see her wounded, vulnerable side. The one person that didn't seem to mind if she was broken. Maura saw it but it hadn't made her run away or treat Jane differently. Somehow, Maura became the first non-family member Jane ever truly trusted. Maybe that was why she wasn't surprised to have found herself kissing Maura last night. Maybe part of her had always known that one day she would. Maybe she had always known she was in love with Maura.

The return of Jeffrey pulled Jane out of her thoughts. She retrieved the items, tipped Jeffrey generously for his service and promptness, and made her way into the kitchen. Wanting to focus in on preparing dinner, Jane let her mind clear. The last thought was that she had plenty of time to work everything out and it made her happy to know she was going to be able to work it out along side Maura.