Chapter Three, Deception
A singing, cherubic voice behind me let me stop dead in regarding the time travel amulet.
"Hey, Mary Sue, guess who comes to visit."
I turned around and stared in the Alice in Wonderland-like features of my former bosom pal.
"Dark Angel?" I stuttered, thankful that my eyes were firmly placed in their sockets so they wouldn't plop out of my head. "That's impossible. That cannot be."
"You're lunatic husband opened the door for me, you obviously couldn't be bothered." Dark Angel said, taking a curious look around the room. "Took me a while to find you here in this dressing room. This is quite a house you have here, you sure have changed."
"No, no, no. I must be dreaming," I said, still giving her a wild stare."You cannot be here. You're far far away in another land and another age. That's absolutely illogical."
"At what point this story had been logical?" Dark Angel yelled with laughter, letting herself drop on the armchair beside the vanity table. "Come on, Emu girl's clones, age skipping children, severed heads that can speak, far-fetched plot lines?" She gave a shrill, angry laugh. "Who the hell is writing this?"
I wasn't able to answer that question, but I quickly adapted to the new circumstances.
"You have to help me, Dark Angel." I beseeched my buddy. "Together we will take control over this world and dedicate it to us and for our benefit. Won't we?"
"That's why I'm here, stupid," Dark Angel guffawed.
And from the dark side of the room sounded the flourish of trumpets, summoning war.
"Why the hell are you playing that preppy twerp Katy Perry?" Dark Angel asked in a scathing tone, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.
"Haven't you heard?" I replied, feeling greatly scorned, "She's totally goth now and cool like us." I pulled out a fresh bottle of morning after pills from my bag and swallowed the whole lot, I wasn't taking any chances this time, one and a half Mary Sue clones was already more than I could be dealing with right now.
"Wow Mary, you're really pigging out on that candy, you've got to watch it or you'll lose your super hot body." Dark Angel exclaimed, looking slightly disgusted.
'Wha- What do you mean!?" I looked down, I had been popping Tic Tacs the whole time...
"But, but... how?" I gasped, my delicate, doll-like features twisted into an expression of pure terror. "No. Who would want to do something like this to me? I thought everyone loved my sexy body! How could someone be so cruel!" Tears came to my eyes as the bottle slipped from my hand, clattering at my feet.
Rushing to comfort me, my once-again BFF took me in her arms as I cried and cried. "There there, girl," she said reassuringly like the friend she is. "I promise you, I will not rest until justice has been serviced!"
Despite Dark Angel's vociferous protests, I flounced out of the dressing room, panic written all over my face. My gloriously blue eyes twitched nervously as I made my way through the innumerable rooms of the mansion in search of the vanished morning after pills. I was certain I had bought a truckload of them in closing down sale last summer when the local pharmacist had to give up his business because of the villagefolk threatening him and his family, all because he was selling morning after pills and the villagers thought that selling morning after pills was an offence against the law of God and of nature, and those who indulge in such are branded with the guilt of a grave sin, notwithstanding that they themselves had purchased masses of morning after pills without batting an eyelash, which brings up the question: if you tie a piece of toast, butter side up, to the back of a cat and drop if off a building...what side lands face down?
Er, anyway, I was certain I hadn't used them all up, the morning after pills. Or had I? For a moment I wasn't so sure any more, but the moment passed with lightning speed as I was trawling with lightning speed though the rooms and corridors of the mansion before eventually I came to a giant sized room that I faintly remembered being the nursery.
I cautiously opened the door slightly enough for me to peek through and see if it was safe. I didn't see anything - for the room was so giant - and didn't hear anything but the occasional 'plop' and 'uggh'. I completely opened the door and saw that Eve was shooting hoops with Dawn's head.
"Evan what the hell are you doing to our daughter! "
Evan held Dawn's head looking shifty. "Err, I thought it was ok now she's turned full on Emu Girl?"
I walked over and snatched the head away from his clasp, his pale bone like hands nestled in the barbarically black lustrous hair of our daughter. "All the same Evan, she's our daughter, and we love her."
"You can let go of me mother." Dawn said, sounding dazed. I let her head go, it remained suspended in mid air, and floated up to an eye level. "It seems like my Satanic powers are starting to develop" Dawn mused.
"I don't have time for this!" I shouted, worried the fetus in me had started to grow. "Someone's been switching my morning after pills and the pharmacy has been burned by the small minded villagers!"
The disembodied head of Dawn rolled her crimson blood eyes. "Once again mother, your stupidity astounds me. No one has been switching your pills, you have indeed been consuming Tic Tacs the whole time merely because you are that stupid. Look at the box."
I looked down, indeed, it was a simple clear plastic Tic Tac box.
"Oh, well..' I began, feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself. "Well that doesn't stop the fact that I'm still pregnant and I want it out!" Tears welled up in my eyes, "What do you two intend to do about it huh?!" I couldn't help it, tears started spilling out of my eyes.
Ashamedly I turned my head, crystal teardrops now clinging to delicate eyelashes, like the legs of spiders emerging from clear azure pools. "More like what am I going to do about it..." I quipped morosely. With grace and sadness, I walked the corridors of the manor until I soon found myself outside amongst the immaculately maintained gardens of black roses. It was raining and snowing, which I was happy about.
Leaning down, I picked a single black rose, thorns piercing my flesh, leaving my finger with several small blossoming orbs of ruby. Raising the rose to my face, I inhaled deeply, it's dark essence flooding my senses. "What a fool I have been..." I whispered into it's ebony petals, as I found myself a seat on a nearby bench.
"I don't want to...", I whispered sadly to myself. "I'm not like that anymore. I have reannounced Satan and his wicked infant-slaughtering ways. But what choice do I have? What demonic horror shall be wrought next on the world by this... this... " It was then that it dawned on me... my god, it all made sense now! My sex, my iridescent womanly folds, the essence of my dark womanly sensuous femininty... it was the mouth of hell itself! "No!"
Drops of bloods fell on the snow and mingled with the drops of my tears, forming the outlines of a wakizashi.
"How lovely," I muttered, melancholy thoughts of ending my own life entering my head again, getting louder with every minute.
"There you are!" Dark Angel interrupted my morose musings. "Stop hiding yourself on this premises. I'm fed of doing a marathon each time I want to talk to you."
She let herself plop onto the bench beside me, heavily panting for breath.
"While you once more resigned yourself to self-pity and guilt, I've done some research and found out some astonishing things."
"Uh-uh." I said, not feeling very convinced.
"This doctor that impregnated you is actually a dark lord of the underworld and this is a classic case of demon fetal harvest - what they called in the middle ages atum nocturnum - the impregnation of an unwitting woman. The dark lord needed a host for his demon seed and he used you. Stupid as you are."
"Uh-uh."
"The solution to your problem is a herb called mandrake, which is a poison that's been known to faciliate self-abortion."
"Uh-uh."
"It's also been known to be used as an hallucinogenic, so you wouldn't feel any pain or discomfort."
"Uh-uh."
"Come on," Dark Angel snarled, getting impatient with my negative interjections. "It worked in the X-files. You have to think positive or everything will go belly-up."
"Fine, you are right Dark Angel. I'm sorry if my anguish infected you at all, hang on, I need to go tell Evan."
I left Dark Angel, looking back at the beautiful scene. She reclined back on the stone bench, small flakes of snow fell into her platinum like blonde hair. I was always amazed how she managed to pull of being blonde without looking like a trashy slut.
After countless hours I found Evan and Dawn, Eve still being grounded in her room. "Evan, me and Dark Angel are going to go find mandrake root so I an get an abortion, look after Dawn, and don't use her head as a basketball again."
"Why can't you just go to an abortionplex?" Evan asked.
"Because that would make too much sense!" I screeched, storming out the room.
If you didn't include its narrow-minded, blockheaded residents, Pleasantview was a quaint little town with quaint little streets and quaint little houses. In the north, a deep impenetrable forest sheltered the town from wind and rain and the frosts of the winter.
Said forest was the destination of our journey for the fabled mandrake that supposedly only grew where the semen of a hanged man had dripped on to he ground. Considering the numerous adulterers and Lotharios in this town, Dark Angel and I hadn't had the slightest doubt to find one.
We had filled our pockets with peas and beans, leaving them as a trail as soon as we had entered the woods, so we would find our way home again. Needliess to say that the plan was for the birds, as dozens of crows and ravens swooped down behind us and ate up all the legumes, leaving us helplessly lost.
Wandering about, passing tree after tree after (wasn't that the same) tree we suddenly saw a rainbow-colored light glimmering through the trees, and soon came to a hut that was made of spicy cookies and adorned with candies in primary colors.
"Mmmmh, look at all those calories," I shouted with glee, snapping off a piece of the house. "I'm starving."
"Corn syrup, sugar, gelatin, citric acid, sorbitol, artificial flavors, FD&C yellow 5, yellow 6, red 40," Dark Angel said, breaking off a couple of shingles."Starving would be healthier."
After a few minutes we had eaten a huge hole in the little house and gazed into a big room that was solely furnished with a huge fireplace in which a warm orange flame crackled as the only source of light. On the fuzzy rug in front of the fireplace there was a tall, muscular man lying on his side with his head in his hands, grinning at us. He was stripped to the waist, wearing skintight brown leather pants and black cowboy boots, his sparkling green eyes were filled with unveiled lust and desire.
"Hello, my angels," he seductively purred.
"Oh boy," Dark Angel and I screamed in unison.
"Pip... what are you doing here you fucking pervert!"
Pip responded quitely "I am hiding from the marshmallow teeth for they are trying to stop you and all who want to aid you on your quest, milady." He then unzipped his rainbow shorts, drew out his limp beefroast and startet to urinate his sweet, amber liquid candy onto the fire in the lucky, lucky fireplace.
There must have been some kind of fuel in Pip's urine, because all of the sudden the gently flickering fire developed into a wild and raging fire and a spark darted out of the fireplace, hitting him in his most private parts. Within seconds Pip was surrounded by a burning ring of fire and went down, down, down, while the flames went higher. Everything went so quickly that Dark Angel and I didn't even had a chance to panic. All that was left of him was a small pile of ashes.
"Poor Pip," Dark Angel sighed. "That was a short guest appearance."
"Yeah, even shorter than that of Drew Barrymore in Scream," I said. "Hopefully this isn't the moment where this fanfiction piece jumps the shark."
Dark Angel pulled a dust pan and a hand brush out of the white apron she always wore over her short blue dress and swiped up the ashes.
"What a waste of opportunity that is! We would have had a lot of fun with him."
"Come on" I said dully, turning away from the wasted sexual encounter, my loins a flame. "This isn't getting us anywhere, let us return to our task lest we forget why we're here."
We set off down the path of the dark carnivorous forest. As we ventured deeper signs of life seemed to cease, small birds no longer sang, not even the gentle rustle of insects could be heard. "I don't like this Mary, this doesn't feel right."
I grasped my friends hand and carried on walking, hand in hand. Twisted thorny branches wrapped themselves around the giant trees, the thickening forest canopy started to block out any sun.
"Hmm, what do we have here. Two hopeless damsels lost in the wilds, and, pray tell, what would they be doing here?" A tall pale man stood in the shade of a dark tree, in the shadowed depth his pale flesh seemed to almost give off a slight glow. A glimpse of gold could be seen where his eyes lay.
"Is that...", I began,
"'Is that you? Edward?"