The room is dark and quiet save for the passing voices of those also staying at the hotel while they walk by the door to their room. Her arm hurts, her head hurts, her heart hurts while she lies still in bed with Dean behind her, his arms strongly wrapped around her waist. Even with the severe lack of sleep she's gotten over the past few days, she hasn't been able to fall asleep at all, everything playing and replaying on a loop in her mind.
The one thought that threatens to destroy her is exactly what is keeping her up. She can accept that her father wasn't biologically hers (he loved her no matter what so blood or no blood, she's his kin), she can get past that she saw Lou again and knows she's her sister (she'll actually cherish having that moment in the long run considering how much she misses her), she can even get over that fact that she isn't all human (because at least she part good guy… if angels can be considered the good guys that is). All those things are fine but having been created specifically for Dean, that one hurt.
It more than hurt. It sucked completely and it leaves her wondering. Would she have loved music as much, would she have that bond of music with her father Paul, if she wasn't supposed to? Would she be obsessed with food half as much, because damn it she loves food? Would she be angry still or a well-adjusted person? Would she live a normal life without ghosts and demons? Would her parents be alive? Would Lou be alive?
Now her head hurt even more. If Dean had never existed life would be so different, so easy and so happy. Not to say that he doesn't make her happy. He's the only bright spot she has at this point and just being with him makes her more than happy. But if Dean never was or if he never needed a perfect match, her whole life aside from her love life would be happy, not just that one part of it. What a mess.
Suddenly the arms around her, meant to comfort and reassure, are absolutely stifling, holding her down and constricting her. She feels imprisoned in them, like she has no choice. Really, she doesn't.
"Dean," Lizzy calls out in the darkness, already trying to wriggle free from his hold.
"Mm," is all he responds with, having found sleep as easy to come by as a hunter can ever manage. He's exhausted.
"Dean, wake up," Lizzy tries again, shifting to sit up.
"What's wrong?" he asks her with worry, bolting upright immediately once she wakes him.
"Relax. Just need to talk to you," she tells him, trying to calm him down. He' s been an over protective disaster that hasn't let her leave his sight since they got back so she does what she can to not have him freak out when she interrupts his rest. "I need to say something."
"Yeah," Dean says while settling down. Sitting next to her he brings an arm around her shoulders. "You alright?"
"No," Lizzy answer truthfully. "I'm pretty fucking far from alright." She sighs heavily, not ready to say what she must. It's going to break his heart, but she has to get it out. "I… Dean, I can't do this."
"Do what?" he wonders as she drops her head down to avoid him.
"Hunting," she answers. "Being on the road. Being near you. I think I need some time off."
Dean tightens his hold on her and lets the ache in his chest take over.
"I was afraid you'd say that," Dean admits, having been concerned that after all this she wouldn't be able to go on the way the three of them had been. "I was afraid you'd run."
"I'm so sorry," she says, her voice choking on the words. "I don't want to hurt you but I need to sort through this. I can't do that while I'm around you." Looking up at him and seeing the pain in his eyes kills her. "I have to find a way to accept all of this before it ruins us."
Dean sadly nods and keeps quite, truly understanding what she's saying. Lizzy turns to sit facing him and holds his face in her hands.
"I don't blame you for any of this. Not at all," she tells him honestly. "But right now it's hard to look at you and not immediately be reminded that you're the reason for everything that I am and everything that's happened to me. I don't know how to feel about only existing for you. That's a pretty heavy thing to be aware of."
"I wish it wasn't true," Dean says to her. "I'm sorry, L. I would do anything to fix his. I would never want this for you."
"I know that," Lizzy tries to calm him. She kisses him once and doesn't let her hold on him go. "And I love that about you. You'd rather I wasn't perfectly made to make you happy. I appreciate that completely and this doesn't change anything in the way I feel about you."
"You sure about that?" he nervously asks.
"Absolutely," she tells him with all honesty. "Dean, I love you and that will never change, ever. That's the one thing about all this I'm ok with. All of this shit, the molding me, the set path of my life, the lies, the loss, in the end all these things brought me to you. How can I be completely upset about that?"
"But once you have time to think everything over, what if you can't do this anymore?" Dean asks her, his shaking hands taking hers from his cheeks and grasping tightly. "What if you don't want us anymore?"
"That won't happen," she determinedly says.
"What if it does?" he asks again, pressing the question.
"It won't," she stresses her words. "With all the unsure shit in my life do you really think I would throw away the one thing I'm actually certain about?"
"I don't know," Dean says sadly and it kills her to hear. "I don't know what to think anymore."
"Neither do I," Lizzy truthfully tells him while climbing onto him, her legs straddling his and kissing him again. "But you need to trust me here. I have to go home, be alone for a little bit and think, but nothing, nothing will make me not love you. I will never leave you, ever. I told you that before and I meant it. I don't break my promises."
He pulls her in and kisses her again as the crushing weight starts setting in. He isn't ready to let her go. Being with her all the time was something he very easily got used to and waking up alone, not having her by his side… he's not prepared for that.
"Is this what you really need? To go home?" Dean asks her, praying for her to say she didn't.
"Yes," she whispers back, knowing she's hurting him. It hurts her too. She doesn't want to be without him… but she has to be without him for the sake of them.
"Ok," he says with sheer sadness. "We can leave tomorrow."
The look on his face makes her devastated for having to do this. "I'm sorry," she says again, knowing she's making him feel this sad. "Dean, I don't want to disappoint you like this. I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," he says as he hugs her in, reveling in the warmth of her and taking advantage while he can. It'll be gone soon. She'll be gone soon.
Three days of driving and they finally pull up to Lizzy's apartment. She offered to fly home, let Dean and Sam be off on their hunting way and avoid the long road trip across the country, but Dean had insisted on driving her. Lizzy is fully aware that he's just stalling and looking for more time before they part ways and she's ok with that. It was her decision to get out for a little while and it affects him greatly. She's fine with giving him a little more time if that's what he wants.
Walking through the front door Lizzy sighs. There's something about this place that feels like home. She hasn't lived there in months and the memories here aren't all good ones, but it's the first place she's felt comfortable being in since she lived in her childhood house. This place is all hers, it's stable, and it makes her calm just being there.
After dropping her bags hastily onto her bedroom floor with a toss, she flops down into her oversized couch in the living room with a loud 'ahh'. Sam joins her, taking the other end of the sofa and they both listen as Dean moves around her apartment. Stealing a glance at each other, Lizzy rolls her eyes.
"What are you doing?" she yells to him from the living room as he's rummaging through her kitchen cupboards. She already knows what he's up to but she asks anyways.
"Being the super smart guy that I am," he simply shouts back as he pulls a large metal canister of salt out from under the sink. He begins lining the windows starting with the room he's in and making his way through the entire apartment. Once he reaches the living room, lining the window closest to the doorway, his audience silently watches him in his overprotective, neurotic state.
"I can do that, you know," Lizzy tells him with all seriousness.
"Just trying to help," he tells her while still working. "You still have holy water under the bed?"
"Yes," she evenly and slightly exaggeratingly answers. She's fully aware that he's being cautious for her sake and, in the long run, for his own mental well-being also. Dean tends to get like this when he won't be around her for a while.
"And a knife?"
"No," she answers and pauses in order to get his concerned face going. Once Dean whips his head away from the window he's currently lining to look at her, she sees it and smiles. "I have a shotgun filled with salt rounds instead." She widens her grin.
Dean breathes out a sigh of relief. "What about…"
"Sit down," she directs to him while pointing to the recliner next to her.
"L, I'm just making sure…"
"Sit down," she more sternly repeats. "Please. You're gonna make me nuts."
Reluctantly he listens, dropping the canister in his hands under the window he had been lining and walking over to her. He plops begrudgingly into the seat with an 'oomph' and looks over to her with lifted eyebrows.
"You need to calm down," she tells him in a loving manner. "I lived here alone for a long time before and I know how to protect myself. I'll be fine."
"I just want to make sure you're as safe as possible, that's all," Dean tells her. "It'll help me sleep better when I'm gone."
"Oh so this is all about you then?" she jests while looking at him with faux exasperation.
"It always is," Dean retorts, sharing a shit eating grin that never fully reaches his eyes.
"But you're being insane."
"No he's not," Sam rebut after thinking it over. "With all we know now, there's no more being too cautious. I'm thinking that now you might be pretty high up on the hit list, Lizzy."
"Oh yeah, right underneath Sam and Dean Winchester," Lizzy remarks, finding it hypocritical that they see her as so helpless on her own when they have a higher price on their own heads, she's sure of it.
"Sam makes a good point," Dean adds. "You have to be careful. Shit's gonna be gunning for you now, L."
"And it wasn't before?" Lizzy challenges. "Look, guys, clearly nothing has changed about who I am besides the fact that I'm aware of it now. Like always, I will be wicked cautious. And you can call me every day and do the fatherly check in bullshit. Hell, you can takes turns being the one to nag me."
"Are you still sure this is a good idea?" Dean asks for the umpteenth time since she told him she needed to go home.
"It isn't about this being a good idea or not," Lizzy explains with sadness. "I have to stay here for a little bit. You know I would only do this if I have to."
"It's gonna be weird," Sam comments. "Got so used to you being around all the time."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Lizzy smiles small. "What the hell am I gonna do if I'm not saving your asses every second? I'll have so much free time on my hands."
Sam smiles back but Dean's drooping face remains. Normally he'd have a comeback for such an audacious comment, but not this time. The idea of leaving without her still hurts too much to be able to find the humor in her words.
"So I'll make you a deal," Lizzy says to both brothers. "I'm gonna run out and get some food in this place and make something for dinner. I don't have the heart to send you back out there without giving you at least one home cooked meal since it's been diner food only for months. While I'm gone you two can do whatever you need to fully secure this place to your personal satisfaction. Good?"
Sam and Dean look to each other and silently agree. It would help them feel better about everything in the long run to know she's as secure in her apartment as possible.
"Yeah, alright," Dean reluctantly agrees, still hating everything that's happening. It goes against his better judgment, his instinct, everything in him.
"Good." She stands up and kisses his forehead before looking at them both. "I'll be right back. Try not to totally destroy the place, huh?"
Grabbing her keys, Lizzy heads down the front steps and when the front door closes and the brothers know she's gone, they start moving.
"You want to finish the salt?" Dean asks Sam while he heads to the hallway closet where her arsenal is held.
"Sure," Sam answers as he picks up where Dean left off. "You think this is a good idea, letting her stay here alone?"
"Not at all," Dean answers, taking up some of her knives.
"Yeah, me neither," Sam admits, finishing up the windows in the living room. "We can't help protect her if she isn't with us and it feels… kinda like we're abandoning her."
"But it's the other way around if you ask me," Dean remarks, his disappointment coming through loud and clear.
"You can't blame her though," Sam rebuts while stepping out into the hallway and looking over at his brother. "She was told she was made specifically for you. I can't imagine finding out that my whole life, my personality, my everything was made a certain way to please someone else. That's heavy, Dean. How would you react if the tables were turned?"
"I know what you're saying, Sam, but it doesn't help," Dean returns, walking past his brother and heading for Lizzy's bedroom. He picks up her pillow and slides a sheathed silver dagger into the pillowcase. "I mean, how the hell am I supposed to deal with this? What am I supposed to say to her? I never wanted this."
"She knows that," Sam confirms while watching Dean from the doorway. "She just needs to process it all and figure out how to live with it."
"And who's to say that once she's done thinking it over that she won't ever want to see us again?" Dean asks. Sam knows that the 'us' really means 'me'.
"Just give her some time," Sam suggests. "She'll figure it all out. Lizzy would never shut us out of her life."
"Yeah," Dean says with clear disbelief.
"She wouldn't," Sam reiterates. "And you'll see that."
"At least one of us has some confidence," Dean laments, sitting down at the edge of her bed and running a hand down his face. He sits quietly for a minute, Sam waiting in the doorway for Dean to say something, anything, but he doesn't. Sensing Dean needs minute to himself, Sam leaves and finishes up with the salt before heading out to their car for more items.
Dean scans the room he's in. It's always been a little barebones around her place but it makes sense. She never lived there for more than four months at a time so why bother. A half full closet of clothes, a half empty dresser, a bed, and not much else. It feels incomplete and in his head he's always felt there was a reason for that. To him it feels like she's been waiting for him to fill in the missing parts. His clothes should be in the empty half of her closet, his towel should be hung on the empty hook next to hers in the bathroom, and his shoes should be in the empty corner of the foyer at the bottom of the stairs. He knows that would never happen, there was no getting out for them, but a guy can wish can't he? He's always held out a sliver of hope and kept himself sane by telling himself that one day they can get out and truly be happy.
Now, it feels like that possibility is slipping away slowly but surely….