Chapter 3

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"Daddy, do I look pwetty?"

Dave raised his eyes from the mirror where he was adjusting his tie and looked at his daughter who was twirling around in the dress she had gotten for Easter.

Dave smiled as big as he could manage today and replied, "You look beautiful, Kristy, just like your Mom."

Amy threw him a grateful look and checked to see that Scotty was all ready. They had stayed in the hotel last night as the service for John was at ten and it would have been tight flying in this morning and getting there on time. And the limo would be picking them up any minute.

Dave wasn't really looking forward to this as he would know practically no one. He was thankful Amy and the kids were here but aside from a few cousins and a great aunt, they didn't have much in the way of family. And they'd be saying goodbye to his brother, one he hadn't seen in over a year. One he had barely known anymore. And that was the worst part of this whole thing.

He wasn't even sure exactly what would be happening as he hadn't planned any of it. And that made him feel even more guilty. He should have done this for John but he had no contacts at Arlington and he knew nothing about military funerals. He'd have to trust the people in charge. And he readily admitted giving up control was a difficult thing for him.

The phone rang by the bed and he picked it up then placed it back down. The message was simple. Their ride was waiting for them.

"Okay, let's go. Are we all set?"

Amy nodded and guided Kristy and Scotty out the door as Dave trailed behind them. There were a few other people in the hallway and Dave watched amused as a young woman raced after a wobbly toddler who had just escaped from their hotel room.

"Torren John, you must get back here immediately," she scolded as she ran out after him, her feet as bare as his.

The tottering child stopped and looked at his mother with a mischievous grin then took a few more steps. As the woman approached him she bent down to pick him up and he squirmed to get free. Dave saw her face fall and tears come to her eyes as she pleaded with the child.

"Please do not give me any trouble right now. Today will be hard enough without you being difficult."

The boy managed to squirm free and David scooped him up to return him to his mom. "Everything okay, miss?" he asked as she gave him a watery smile.

"Thank you," she replied as she got a better grip of her son. "We are already late and he refuses to put his shoes on. Thank you again for your assistance."

"No problem," Dave returned and looked to where Amy stood with their children, Kristy twirling in her dress. "I completely understand."

The woman gave a regal bow of her head and moved back to her doorway while Dave joined his wife and they took the elevator down to where the limo was waiting for them. There were actually a few sitting at the curb and he wondered what other dignitaries would be going with them. John had been a high ranking officer after all.

It wasn't long to reach the cemetery and Dave and his family were directed right where to go and settled into the few chairs that had been setup. He looked around and saw a scattering of people military and civilian behind them. O'Neill had said that some of John's troops had wanted to come but maybe it hadn't been possible to accommodate them all.

A few minutes later another limo pulled up and Dave was surprised to see the woman from the hotel and her son getting out. And right behind her was the man who had come with John to their father's funeral, Ronon, the one John had introduced as a 'civilian contractor'. A few more people got out after them, then proceeded to the chairs right next to him and his family.

The woman bowed her head in recognition and he saw her say something to one of the men beside her. Dave was curious as to who she was. She was dressed in a simple but flattering black dress so he assumed she wasn't military but neither were any of her companions. But they were apparently close enough to John to warrant sitting in what would be family seats.

They didn't have long to wait until Dave saw a procession coming down the long drive. He had seen the ritual before on TV for other dignitaries but he had to confess it hadn't done it justice. But then this processional had over a hundred soldiers parading before and after the caisson and horses, almost as if protecting it from harm. These must be John's troops.

As the service started and continued Dave looked around at all who had gathered and was amazed at how many people were here. And only half of them were military. And he was a bit confused that half of the military contingent that were here were Marines. John was in the Air Force. He'd have to ask O'Neill or Carter about that. They were standing right behind the woman with the baby and her friends.

As Dave looked at the woman he suddenly remembered that she had called the child Torren John. She was sitting in the front row with what should be family and she seemed quite upset about the loss of John. That was one more mystery that he needed to solve. Was this child named after his brother and who was this child's father? Several of the men surrounding her had taken a turn entertaining the boy but the child only held out his arms for his mom.

Could this possibly be John's child? He'd never mentioned it before but then most of their e-mails in the last year and a half had been regarding the will and John's inheritance. Now he wished he had asked John more personal questions. If he had a nephew he would have liked to have known about him.

Several high ranking officers got up and spoke eloquently and glowingly of John and his career in the military and Dave listened intently to everything they said. For the longest time his father had ranted endlessly about John wasting his time in the service of their country when he should have been serving the family business. Dave had always gone along with him but toward the end he knew Dad had regretted the constant fighting and had only wished to have John home again. The separation had been hard on him. But in the end Dad hadn't contacted John to tell him he wanted to see him and John had thought Dad had wanted him to stay away. And now John was away, permanently.

Maybe now their father and John could find a way to make peace, if they were both in the same place. Dave gave an inward chuckle though deep inside his heart was bleeding at the loss of his last few family members. He again gave thanks for Amy and the kids but knew it wouldn't make the pain of losing his father and brother go away.

"Dad, look at the jets!" Scotty whispered as a formation of fighters flew over head.

Dave nodded and said, "Your Uncle John used to fly those. They said he was the best."

"Really! I wish I had seen him do it. That would have been so cool."

Scotty looked up at him and his face fell. "You look really sad, Daddy. Do you miss Uncle John?"

Dave tried to swallow but felt a lump in his throat and had to clear it first. He slowly nodded. "Yeah, Scotty, I do. I wish I had been able to spend more time with him."

Scotty slipped his hand into his Dad's but the sound of a helicopter took everyone's attention. Soon a large group of men in black suits approached and Dave saw it was the President of the United States. He'd met some pretty important people in his time but he had to admit this topped them all.

He stood taller and straighter and he saw Amy's eyes open wide. She had known he was coming but it was still pretty impressive.

General O'Neill walked over and greeted him and Dave was awed at how casual the exchange was, as if O'Neil spoke with him every day. And that made Dave wonder again what John had been involved in that he was on a first name basis with people who knew the President.

The entourage now moved closer and stood right in front of him.

"Mr. Sheppard," the President began and reached out to shake Dave's hand then Amy's. He even reached down and patted Scotty and Kristy on the head. "I can't tell you how sorry I am about your brother. Though I never met him, I read his reports weekly and have to tell you he was one hell of a good soldier and commander. He was well thought of by his fellow officers and admired and respected by those he commanded. He always put forth one hundred and fifty percent and was willing to give everything he had for the cause."

He reached behind him and opened a box General O'Neill was now holding. He pulled out a medal and held it up for all to see.

"I present this Medal of Honor to Lt. Colonel John Sheppard of the United States Air Force from a grateful nation. He served his country faithfully and with honor and made the greatest sacrifice we could ask for. This medal is for servicemen who have distinguished themselves through conspicuous gallantry at the risk of their life above and beyond the call of duty while engaged in an action against an enemy of the United States. You have our most grateful thanks and our most sincere condolences at your loss. The government of this country has also lost a very important member and for that we grieve."

He took a step back and waited while a squadron of men fired off a twenty-one gun salute. Once this was done he nodded at Dave and his family, then moved over to say his condolences to the woman and the men with her. Dave again wondered who they were that even the President of the United States felt the need to say he was sorry.

The President departed along with his team of Secret Service agents. The flag was then taken from the empty casket and folded in military ceremony then presented to Dave. He held the flag but wasn't sure he truly deserved to be the one taking this. He again looked at the woman and the child she held. She was also gazing at him and she gave a tiny smile. Her face was filled with sorrow and she held the child as if her life depended on it.

General O'Neill and Colonel Carter now approached and greeted them.

"Mr. Sheppard, Mrs. Sheppard, may I say again how sorry I am for your loss." General O'Neill looked distinctly uncomfortable as he finished, "John was one of a kind and there's no way we'll ever be able to replace him. His absence will be very noticeable. I know that doesn't help you in your grief but just know that John was well respected by all who served under him."

"And all that served with him, military or civilian," Carter added as she looked back at the hundreds of people milling around, though the soldiers were still standing strictly at attention.

"There are a lot more civilians here than I thought there would be," Dave commented. "And I have to admit to being a bit confused as to why half of the military here seem to be Marines."

Carter answered this. "John was the Military Commander of a base that housed scientific research as well as a military contingent. And many of the troops there are Marines. I know it seems unusual but honestly unusual is what John did best. He definitely knew how to think outside the box."

Dave smiled at this. Their father had actually loved that quality about John, until his out of the box thinking had led him to joining the service.

"Excuse me," a tiny voice inserted and Carter took a step aside for the diminutive woman Dave had met in the hotel. She had the child in her arms and he seemed to be fast asleep on her shoulder.

"Mr. Sheppard, I did not realize you were John's brother when you assisted me in the hallway earlier. I wish to extend my condolences to you on your loss. John will be greatly missed by all."

Dave couldn't help but notice the crack in her voice as she said this last sentence. Colonel Carter tilted her head and made the introductions.

"Mr. Sheppard, this is Teyla Emmagen, she's a member of John's team." She turned to where the other men were moving closer and added, "And this is Ronon Dex and Dr. Rodney McKay."

"Ronon," Dave nodded and said, "So not a civilian contractor." He looked at Carter's puzzled face and said, "We met at my father's funeral."

"As I said before," Carter reiterated, "There are many civilians who work on base. John made sure to choose his team so they had a variety of skills at their disposal."

Dave nodded his head and stuck his hand out for the shorter man's. "Doctor McKay? John had a medical doctor on his team?"

"Medical doctor?" McKay sneered then looked guiltily at the other woman who had been standing next to him during the service. "No, I'm a scientist."

He looked like he was about to say more then decided against it and just finished with, "John was the best. You couldn't have asked for a better leader or friend. He was amazing at being both."

Dave saw some moisture gather in this man's eyes as well and had a hard time imagining him as John's friend. But then he hadn't really had a chance to have any kind of decent conversation with his brother in years so what did he know about John's friends.

"You know," Dave began curiously, "I was looking back on all the news reports around the time of John's death and there was a big hullabaloo about explosions in the sky and even possible firefights in the south western part of the country. I was wondering if that had anything to do with John. The timing seemed right."

Carter and O'Neill remained straight faced though they did sneak a glance at each other. McKay's face was the one that gave Dave his answer. He looked extremely guilty and his eyes darted all over the place.

"That's all classified information, Mr. Sheppard, I'm sorry," O'Neill responded though Dave did think he sounded sorry.

Dave had actually viewed the footage some of the news shows had of the fireball in the sky streaking overhead and of the massive explosion that had happened right before. He wondered if John had been part of that explosion. And the thought sickened him. Carter had said John had sacrificed his life to save millions. He had pondered for quite a while trying to figure out what exactly it had been.

He had come up with a few scenarios but actually wondered if there had been some sort of a large meteor that had been headed for Earth. Carter had said John's first mission had failed. Had he been sent out to shoot missiles at it to try and break it up? And since that hadn't worked had John decided to put his fighter in the direct path of it to keep it from reaching Earth intact? That would have explained why people had seen a fireball streaking through the sky shortly after. The meteor would have been slowed down but smaller parts of it would have still managed to get through. But why would they have felt the need to keep that a secret? He hated to think it had been a nuclear warhead from another country.

But he would never know what had really happened as the government had decided to cover it up. They had taken footage of the President giving him the Medal of Honor for John and had asked if they could do a very small news report on it. He had given his permission. He figured if John had made the sacrifice people should know about it. But since they couldn't really divulge why he was getting it, he figured the report wouldn't be all that large.

A few more military people came over as well as a balding man with glasses and said he had been the expedition leader and that John had been instrumental in helping him learn the ropes during his first year on base. He seemed beside himself at the thought that he'd have to go on without John's knowledgeable advice.

Dave shook his hand and nodded but didn't really know how to respond to all these people who had thought so highly of his brother. But he was glad they had and equally as proud. Now it was time to leave and they all moved back to the limos. Dave wished he could talk to some of these people a bit more but knew most of them needed to get back to the base they had been at. He thought it was very generous of the Air Force to allow so many to come home to honor John.

An hour later Dave was setting some of the luggage outside the hotel room door, thankful General O'Neill had made arrangements for a late checkout, when he saw the woman, Teyla. She was by herself and carrying the empty ice bucket. As she passed his room he made it a point to stop her.

"Ms. Emmagen," he said hoping he had remembered her name correctly.

"Mr. Sheppard, I hope you and your family have a safe journey back home. I did not get a chance to say it earlier but your family is lovely. Under different circumstances I would have loved to get to know them better. I am sure Torren would have enjoyed playing with your beautiful children. He does not get to interact with many children where we are."

"Thank you. Your son is named Torren John. I heard you call after him earlier. I was wondering if …"

"Yes," her smile was pleasant but sad. "He is named after your brother. John gave me trust and friendship and many other things during our many years of working together. I could think of no one better to name him after. If Torren has only a handful of John's qualities then he will grow to be a remarkable person."

She looked as if she wanted to say more but her bottom lip began to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. She squeezed them shut and took a shuddering breath. "I am sorry, it has been most difficult since we learned of … that John would not be coming back to us. I am attempting to be strong because I know it is what he would expect of me but … I am finding it almost impossible."

Dave reached out and patted her on the shoulder, uncomfortable with her display of emotion, though he completely understood. "I did want to ask you something and please tell me if I'm out of line or completely off base. I know you were a part of John's team but the way you speak of him and … I don't know … just a feeling I have … were you … in love with John?"

Her eyes widened in surprise and she squeaked, "Could you sense this from my actions?"

Dave shook his head. "I didn't mean to imply … like I said if I'm out of line or completely wrong …"

Teyla reached out and placed her hand on his arm then checked the hallway for anyone else around. She leaned in close and confessed, "Yes, you are correct. But I thought I had hidden my feelings well. I do not think John even knew, though I had hoped for many years that he would."

"And was John in love with you?" Dave had the nerve to ask but only because she had confided in him what her feelings were.

Her eyes teared up again and she shrugged. "I do not know for sure. There were many times his actions gave me an indication that he felt more than friendship but we never spoke of it. Though right before he left for his last mission we had … decided to talk when he got back. But that will not happen now."

Dave felt his hand squeeze her arm where it had rested and he swallowed hard at her grief. "I'm sorry. Listen I know you work for the government and they probably take care of everything for you but if you ever need anything, please call me."

He pulled out a business card and handed it to her. "Seriously, if ever you need anything, I'd like to help. John obviously meant a great deal to you and he meant a great deal to me even though I never really got a chance to tell him that lately."

Teyla gave him a brief nod. "It seems we had much in common then. Thank you. I will remember. Please have a safe journey."

"You too,"

As he watched her walk to the ice machine, Dave still wondered about the child. She had implied that she and John hadn't been in a romantic relationship but he still wondered who the father was and what the situation was. She had never actually said John wasn't the father, though. He hadn't dared to ask. He knew lots of people who had sexual relationships without actual commitment. He then went back inside to find Amy zipping the last bag up and shutting off the TV the children had been watching. He picked up the bag Amy had just finished and looked around.

"Do we have everything now?"

"Yeah," she responded then reached to touch his face. "Are you going to be all right, David?"

Dave felt a few bits of moisture start to gather behind his eyes and pushed them back as much as he could. But he knew Amy had seen. She always saw behind his façade. It was why he loved her so much.

He merely nodded knowing he couldn't speak right now if he tried. The kids each grabbed the stuffed animals they had brought and they moved out the door. He saw Teyla just entering her room and his heart almost split in two at the thought of this woman and her love for John cut short. As they descended to the ground floor in the elevator he knew he wasn't the only one with regrets where John was concerned.

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Teyla softly closed the door behind her and saw that Torren was still sleeping peacefully on the bed. She had taken a bit longer than she had first thought due to her brief conversation with David Sheppard. John had never said much about him other than a few thoughts after he had come back from his father's funeral. And those had been more about contacting him regarding legal issues.

But she had found him to be pleasant and helpful when Torren had run loose before the service. And he had seemed genuinely distressed at losing his brother. John himself was not a demonstrative person and she saw that David Sheppard kept his emotions in check in much the same fashion. And his attempt at comfort had been so similar to what John would have done that she had almost felt as if John had been right there with her. But she knew he was not and it hurt far more than she ever thought anything could.

She placed the bucket of ice in the cooler that held Torren's juice and quietly slipped onto the bed near him. She lowered her head to the pillow and gazed at her beautiful son. This child was her life and her reason for living and for fighting. And she knew she would gladly give her life for him to be safe and unharmed. She also knew that is exactly what John had done for them and for all of the people on his planet. But it did not make his absence any easier to accept.

There were no immediate plans for Atlantis to return to Pegasus and she had heard from many of the military on base that it could be months before any final decisions were made. But for right now she was content with the city staying where it was. For some reason this planet made her feel more connected to John and right now she needed that. Although what she really needed was him.

She thought back to the conversation they'd had right before he left on his fatal mission and she wished now that they had finished it. She really wished that she had known John would feel differently about her if he knew she and Kanaan were not together. She had longed for him to care for her in a romantic way but after Torren was born he seemed to drift further away from that though he still remained her best friend. Now she realized it was because of his thoughts regarding Kanaan.

If only she had told him earlier … She had so many regrets but she knew they did not matter now. John was gone and nothing would bring him back. She would have to get by with her memories. And she knew she had many of those. She kissed her son's head then closed her eyes and drifted off remembering the many times that she and John had been together and happy.

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