That's right, I managed another update. I managed to crank and edit this bad boy, despite its massive word count. The update is a little early, but I think it will be worth it.
I want to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter, anonymous and signed reviewers alike! I'm glad the story is enjoyable for you all, and I hope you'll continue to read, review, etc.
For this chapter, I highly recommend listening to "Darkness Descends" by Laura Marling, as it was a big inspiration to this chapter. In fact, I recommend listening to everything by Laura Marling, because she's heavily influenced this story, and she is amazing!
IMPORTANT: Because of the direction this story is going, in 24 hours it will be moved to the M-section. Some of the content here had me questioning the rating, and knowing what comes later makes it seem like a wiser decision. I hope that's all right with you all and thank you for reading this.
Anonymous reviews (now that there are names again):
i am a guest: I'm glad you liked the chapter!
kwabbeh pattee: I know how you feel-you just don't want the chapter to be over yet, especially when you know you'll have to wait. And thank you! I felt really flattered to read that-it means a lot! *hugs*
pacopoppers: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! I loved reading your reactions. And I'm glad you thought the ceiling tile count was funny. Thank you very much for the review!
Well, that's all I have to say. Thank you for your patience and please enjoy the chapter!
They do not speak. They do not text or call or make any attempt to contact each other. Hope takes the bus the last days he has school for the week, and Serah continues last minute maintenance on the house, despairing that between her and Hope, there is very little left for her to do.
The weekend passes with each hiding away in their homes, berating themselves for what happened and ignoring how hot and wonderful it had felt. Serah is ridden with so much guilt that she only eats one salad. Hope eats and eats and eats until he pukes, and spends the Sunday that follows laying in the fetal position in bed, holding a basin near his chest.
When Monday comes, Hope has no choice but to go to the party and Serah has no choice but to face her husband and her sister and Hope, and her heart clenches at the very thought.
When Lightning arrives on Hope's doorstep at his request that Monday night, she is not sure why her chest is tight. Apprehension fills her as she recalls her earlier conversations with Serah. Her sister had sounded quiet, and there had been no small talk between them. Lightning was given the time to appear at the party, some well wishes, and nothing more.
It bothers her, even as she stands at Hope's door, her car lights acting as a spotlight. She knocks, steeling herself and readying her questions.
But every interrogation technique she has at her disposal evaporates on her tongue when Hope answers the door, and she worries for both him and her sister. It has only been a few days, but his cheeks are thinner than when she last saw him. His skin is paler too, which is a feat in and of itself, and his eyes are dull when they meet hers. When he smiles at her arrival, it does not reach his eyes and quickly falls.
"H-Hope, what's wrong?" She reaches for his shoulder, squeezing it and looking him up and down. Hope runs a hand through his flattened hair, and she spots dark purple bags under his eyes. He tries to smile again, although it turns into a grimace halfway through.
"Guess I'm just tired. That exam took a lot out of me."
The lie is obvious and Lightning suppresses a growl.
"Hope, that's not what's wrong."
He sighs, shoulders slumping. He bites his lips, eyes downcast and searching the ground. Lightning doesn't know for what, and when he looks at her his gaze is blank.
"I know. I know that's not...not what's wrong. But," he pauses, narrowing his eyes, "can we pretend that I just have a cold or something? I-I'll tell you...eventually. But not right now. It-it doesn't feel right to tell right now."
Lightning blinks at his honesty, and takes in his haggard appearance. A part of her wants to press him for answers, demand to know what was amiss. She wants to take him in her arms and hug him; she wants to tell him that he will be all right, whatever it is. All these things leave her heart aching, but she settles for another squeeze of the shoulder and a sharp stare.
"If you don't feel well, then maybe you should stay home. I can look after you...let the others know what happened."
"No!" He grabs her by the arm, shaking his head. His eyes widen but he does not release her. "No. No, please. I-I have to go to this. I need to go."
"But, Hope, you're not looking good. If you get sick-"
"I promise I won't. I'll pull myself together. Please, I need to go, Lightning." His hand slides down to her hand and he clasps it, twining his fingers between hers. "I need to do this, or else...it won't ever get better."
She runs a hand over her face, lost. Surveying him from head to toe, she slowly nods. "Fine! Fine, we can still go. But one hint, one inkling that you're not doing well, and we're coming straight back. Do you hear me, Estheim?"
"Loud and clear," he says, face relaxing. He grins and her heart loosens. Hope reaches somewhere in the house and pulls out a long brown coat, pulling it on. "Now, how about we get going? I have a feeling they'll start the party without us."
"Like that would be such a bad thing." Lightning leads them to her car, stiffening at the bitter wind that blows through her thin coat. "It's going to snow here soon."
"I'm sure it'll be better down south. Who knows, maybe you'll actually feel the warmth of sunshine again." Hope reaches for the air, arms trembling. "You'll have to tell me what it's like. I-I'm afraid I've forgotten what the heat of the sun feels like."
Hope wrinkles his face, hunching over. "Perhaps...perhaps I will see it again, before I die. Won't that be something, Lightning? To see the wonderful sun again?"
"You always did have a flair for the dramatic." She snaps the car door shut buckles, waiting for him to follow suit. She eyes him carefully, watching his movements for any sign of hesitation or trembling. Yet years of being by her side has alerted him to her usual cues, and he performs with precision. She sees no faults with his behavior, and he has easily slips back into his usual banter.
She feels alarmed when she can't tell how much of it is real and how much he is forcing to put her at ease.
As she starts the car, Hope rests his head on the window glass. His eyes follow passing lights and buildings while his breath fogs the window. Night has fallen, sending much of the world into darkness and cold. Passing trees whip around in the wind, sending leaves barreling at cars and pedestrians alike.
"Have you talked with Snow at all?" His question almost startles her. She narrows her eyes at the road.
"No. I didn't get a chance to when the idiot arrived. He was already surrounded by NORA and Serah, and I couldn't get him separated from her side." Hope's hands clench in his lap, and Lightning sighs. "We've got a whole week to talk with him, Hope. Or at least, a week to convince Serah to talk to him."
Hope opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens and closes it again. It happens several more times before he chuckles, the sound low and bitter. "I don't know if Serah will be all that willing to listen to me at the moment."
Lightning's grip on the steering wheel tightens. Buzzing in the back of her mind tells, nags, and shouts at her to ask what happened. But her lips seal themselves shut. Hope stares at the floor of the car, body going unnaturally still. He breathes hard through his nose, eventually glancing at Lightning. "Maybe it'd be better if you talked to her instead?"
Lightning glares. "I suppose. But what about you, Hope?" She swallows, keeping her face still. "Weren't you two getting along? She might listen to you, if you asked her to."
"You think?" Hope shrugs, turning away from her. "I guess I could try it, but I think you'd have more luck."
He doesn't look back at her, and Lightning grits her teeth. The conversation hits a standstill and she knows he'll say nothing now. Her eyes flicker between him and the road until Serah's house comes into view. Lightning sees Hope sag at the sight of it and her jaw clenches.
"If you really don't feel good, we can go home. Come on, Hope, there's no point in forcing yourself."
Hope shakes his head, waiting for her to park the car before unbuckling himself. "No, Light. Please...I have to do this. I have to go in there, and I have to-" He runs a hand over his face, shivering as he opens the door and cold air blows inside. "I just have to go in there. Mingle. Talk. Maybe give Snow a piece of my mind."
His eyes snap to hers and she sees how determined he is, the green of his eyes clear. And despite the bags and lines of exhaustion, she knows he will keep going.
"Fine." She sighs when she relents, holding back a snarl when she steps out and slams the door closed. She marches toward the house, calling over her shoulder, "Do anything stupid, and we're out of here. Understand?"
His words are echos of their departure.
"Loud and clear."
"I can't believe you managed all this," Snow says, shaking his head in awe as Hope and Lightning arrive. "I mean, getting the house looking so good. Preparing this party for me and the gang." He turns to Serah who stands beside him, a smile stretching across her face. "You're amazing, babe." Snow leans in to kiss her, and Serah pecks him on the lips. It lasts seconds, and for some reason her heart isn't in it, but she smiles shyly at him when they pull away.
"I missed doing that," Snow says, ignoring the woots and whistles coming from Gadot and Maqui. "It seems like forever sometimes, doesn't it?"
"It really does." She tries to inject some of the pain and loneliness she felt in the past few months in the words, but Snow just grins and rubs his nose against hers.
"We'll just need to make this week one of the best ones ever then. And what better way to kick it off than a party with friends?"
"All right, all right, we get it. Stop flirting with your girl so we can actually get started," Yuj says, uncorking a dark green bottle of wine. Yuj's hair is a bright blue like before, although this time he has dyed the tips yellow. He grins and goes to a nearby table, pulling several glasses toward him. "And the best way to get started is with a few drinks."
"Hey, what about me?" Serah's heart jumps, eyes darting to the ground at Hope's voice. "I'm still a minor, you know. I can't go around drinking like this."
"Aw, great. The buzzkills arrived." Yuj shakes his head and pours some of the deep red liquid into a rounded wine glass. Serah watches Yuj's feet as he moves in front of Hope, and imagines him handing the drink over to the younger man. "Lighten up. You have plenty of adult supervision, if that's what you're worried about."
"N-no! That's not it! I just don't think it'd be a good idea for me to get drunk when-when-"
"Hope," Lebreau says, and Serah's eyes flicker to the woman's boots as she slides toward the group. "You really have to let go. I mean, I know being around Lightning can put a stick up your ass, but do you have to follow her example so closely?"
"Watch what you say, Lebreau." Serah peeks up at her sister, some of the tension leaving her chest. Lightning sticks close to Hope's side, arms nearly brushing his as she glares at the dark-haired woman. "Or you might find a gunblade up your-"
"Guys, guys." Serah looks between them, making sure to skip over Hope. "The party just started. Lets not start any fights so early. Please?"
"I don't think they're fighting, Serah." Snow wraps an arm around Serah, pulling her close to him. Serah's face warms and she rolls her free shoulder, feeling a burn on her skin. She glances at Hope and spots him staring at her, but he averts his eyes the moment he realizes he's caught. Lightning makes a small noise, rolling her eyes and grabbing Hope by the arm, pulling him toward the living room.
"Your idea of bonding leaves a lot to be desired, Snow." Lightning tightens her hold on Hope, eyes ghosting over his tight face. "And if Hope's going to drink, he needs to eat something first. Otherwise he'll be gone by the first glass."
"W-what?" Hope's jaw drops and Serah almost chuckles, despite the fluttering in her chest. "You too, Light? And I do not need to eat-I am perfectly capable of holding my liquor."
"So you're saying you've done it before?" Lightning asks, raising an eyebrow.
Hope gulps and looks away, face paling. Snow snickers, parting from Serah and ruffling Hope's hair. Only Serah and Lightning seem to notice his body tense at the contact. "Hope, what have you been up to while I was gone? Going on a dark, wild path are we?"
Serah's lungs deflate and she wonders if everyone can see the color she feels drain from her face. Hope's eyes flash for only a second before he smiles and shakes his head, glancing briefly at Serah. "Oh, yeah. You know me, always partying. I'm surprised they even keep me up at the school."
Serah bites her lip, wishing she had Hope and Lightning's penchant for keeping cool under pressure. She clasps her hands in front of her and grins, hurrying toward the kitchen. "Well, I'll get some of the dinner I made. You guys just eat up on appetizers while I'm gone."
"Yes, ma'am!" Maqui and Yuj say at the same time, giving her a salute before trampling into the living room. Serah covers a smile with her hands, slinking into the kitchen and shaking her head when Lebreau asks if she can help.
I need to think. I need time to sort my head out. I-I-
I don't know what I need.
As her bare feet hit the tile, Serah's feels a rush of cooled air explode in her chest. Her heart refuses to stop skipping and her cheeks warm even more; her entire face flushes and her head lightens. Grabbing the utensils around her blindly, Serah starts slicing some ham and placing it on already prepared plates. Her mind wanders, and every thought makes her heart race faster and faster.
I don't know if I should be glad he showed up. I mean, what do I say to him? What can I say to him? "Hey, I know you kissed me and I kissed back, but do you think we can just forget it ever happened?" Sure, that'll go well. And what about Snow? What am I supposed to say to him?
Serah closes her eyes and shudders, lips trembling. She moves to the mashed potatoes and plops them on, some flying and spattering the floor when she smacks them down on the plate too violently. Some even smack her face, but she doesn't notice.
I have a whole week to come clean though. A whole week to tell him that I went and-and kissed someone else. And why? Because I was lonely? What will he say? He'll...he'll get so mad at Hope and at himself. I don't want him to feel bad. I'm the one who did something wrong.
Serah groans, gasping and setting the spoon back into the pot of mashed potatoes. The white goop squishes and she stares into it, eyes shining. I need to stop thinking about it. All I'm doing is working myself up, and no one needs that right now. Everyone will freak out if they see me crying.
"Serah."
She shrieks, hand flying to her mouth. She whips around to see Lightning leaning on the doorframe, an eyebrow raised at her. Lightning pushes herself off the frame and walks toward her sister, pausing and looking her up and down before she sets to work on placing the peas on the plates.
"So, you look as bad as Hope does." Lightning says it in such a flat voice that Serah's mouth drops. She shakes her head to recover and bites her lip, waiting for her sister to continue.
Serah wonders how fast a heart will beat before it finally just explodes.
"Lack of sleep, if the circles under your eyes are anything to go by. Neither of you are willing to look each other in the eye. And that smile of yours is almost painful to look at."
Her words tear into her like knives, and it's all Serah can do to keep from choking on her own voice. She refuses to look at her sister, even when Lightning stops spreading the food to turn to her. "I have quite a few ideas as to what could have happened. But you're not going to tell me, are you?"
Serah closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Then another. Eventually, she shakes her head.
"I didn't think so," Lightning mutters, narrowing her eyes. "Hope's not being too forthcoming either. It's frustrating, watching you two fumble around each other and not knowing what happened. Not knowing how I can help."
"I can't say," Serah says, voice cracking. "Please, sis, don't make me explain."
"I never said I was going to, Serah." Lightning places a hand on her shoulder and squeezes, and Serah leans into the touch. "But whatever it is, you can't run from it."
"I-I know." Serah's shoulders sag and she wants nothing more than to disappear into the air. The walls of her house have never felt so isolating even though it hasn't been this full in months. Her pounding heart clenches, the pulsations making her ribs throb. She wants to wriggle out of her sister's grip and slide out of the house.
But she has nowhere to go.
"We should get this out there," Serah says, meeting Lightning's eyes and smiling as wide as she can. By contrast, Lightning's frown deepens, and she studies Serah as she scoops up two plates of food. "You wouldn't mind helping, would you? There's a lot of growling stomachs out there, and Hope really will need this if he's going to have any sort of liquor. Which I strongly disapprove of."
"So do I." The words startle Serah, but Lightning chooses to pick up plates of food than meet her gaze. "But I figured I'd give him a break today. It seems like he needs it." Lightning starts toward the living room, pausing at the doorway and glancing back at her sister. "Whatever this is, you'll have to work it out. Take it as a chance to talk with Snow about the other things too. The problems won't go away just because you ignore them."
Serah's eyes scrunch up but Lightning's gone before she can say a word. Serah's ears pick up loud cheers at Lightning's arrival, but she closes her eyes and bows her head.
"Don't you think I know that, sis? It's...it's just not that easy."
Serah shakes her head and heads for the living room as well, grinning easily at the laughs and calls of "Glory to the goddess who brings us food!"
As dinner is passed around Serah sneaks a glimpse of Hope and agrees with her sister; he looks awful. Every movement he makes is slow, and his face seems pinched. He cannot meet her eyes, although she's sure he feels hers on him. Her heart tightens more and more, like a clock being overturned, the gears about to break.
Her friends give her cover though, offering stories of their previous deployment as a means of distraction.
"Then, Maqui actually sticks his hand in the hole. I mean, this guy really believed me when I said I dropped his wrench into some random hole I dug," Lebreau says, waving her hands at her victim. Maqui pushes his blond hair in front of his eyes, groaning.
"Will you quit talking about it? You've been that mean to me and my tools before! I really thought you did."
"But I didn't. So the poor kid wound up with a fistful of the sludge that got cleaned up from the barracks. His face turned a whole different shade of green and he did this-" Lebreau twists her face, curling her lips and squinting her eyes. She waves her hand away from her, shuddering and squawking, " 'Ew! Ew, get it off, get it off! You're so mean, Lebreau. You're so mean! Is this what I think it is? Ew, ew-' "
"Will you stop talking about it!" Maqui shoves her halfway over, sending her sprawling onto Hope's lap. Hope jumps when Lebreau turns to him and grins, leaning toward his face.
"He's such a girl, isn't he? What about you, Hope? You act girly?" Her eyes smolder as she speaks. Serah bits her tongue, blinking away a glare.
"I make it a point not to..." Hope says slowly, licking his lips.
"Really? But then, why haven't you touched your wine? Or are you really gir-"
"I don't like how it tastes, that's all!" Hope puffs his cheeks out and looks away, bright red spreading across his face. "I'm allowed to have different tastes, right?"
"Yeah, but you've been a sad sack since you got here. I think you've been hanging around Lightning too much. You've barely talked at all!"
"Lebreau, leave him alone," Lightning says, voice low.
"Oh, relax, relax. I have something that he'll like the taste of and still get him drunk off his ass."
Lebreau springs up and bounces to the kitchen, ignoring Hope's pleas of, "No! I don't want to be drunk off my ass! Buzzed is nice, drunk enough to puke is not!"
"Sorry, Hope. Once she sets her mind to something, there really is no stopping her." Snow shakes his head and smiles at Hope. Lightning and Serah's eyes switch between the two men. "But how have you been? We almost never get to talk anymore."
Hope's face tightens briefly, jaw locking. Even his eyes darken and Serah shifts in her seat, opening her mouth to intervene-
"Well, you need to come visit more often then, you big oaf." Snow gasps and clutches his heart, and Hope chuckles. "I've been doing pretty good, actually. School's been smooth and I managed to pass a really hard exam. Serah helped me study for it-I wouldn't have made it, if not for her."
"Is that right?" Snow turns to Serah, giving her a soft smile. "You always were good at that sort of thing, weren't you?"
Serah's eyes drop to her lap and her cheeks warm. From shame or pride she's not sure. Snow grabs her hand and squeezes and Serah swallows the lump in her throat.
"I'm glad you're doing so well, Hope. And thanks for being there for Serah while I'm gone." The heat in Serah's face and chest is gone as quickly as it came, and new chills blow through her lungs.
"Please, it's not a problem. Serah's pretty fun to hang with." Serah's eyes widen and her gaze snaps to Hope's face. His grin is wide and eyes bright, but the way his hands fist in his lap draw her eyes. She swallows again, throat closing, but Lebreau bursts into the room before anymore can be said.
"Who's ready for some schnapps?" She thrusts several bottles in the air, ranging from blue, purple, pink, and brown. "We've got bubblegum, butterscotch, blueberry, and grape! Flavors of all kinds for those with weak stomachs and taste buds!"
"Wa-wait, what?" Hope sputters, eyes bugging.
"Schnapps, Hope. It's pretty much candy alcohol."
"That he's not having," Lightning says, glaring at her.
"Oh, come on, Light. You're here, aren't you? I'm sure you can watch how much he's drinking."
"But that's not fair to Light," Hope tries before Lebreau slams a bottle into him, uncorking it and bringing it to his lips. Hope gasps and chokes, shuddering as grape flavor with a hint of heat streams down his throat. His eyes widen and he pulls the bottle away from his chest. "It's really does taste like grape."
"Of course it does. You think I'd lie?" Lebreau shakes her head, ignoring the dark, death inducing glare Lightning sends her.
"It's a long ride to the south, Lebreau," Lightning mutters, "just remember that."
"Sorry, sis," Snow says, barely holding back a grin as he talks into the phone. Serah raises an eyebrow at him as she puts the last of the plates into the sink, leaning against the counter as Snow smirks. "Did he now? I'll be sure to keep that in mind. He does remember it was Lebreau who gave him the schnapps and not me, right?"
Serah shakes her head when Snow breaks out into laughter. "Oh, so it's my fault anyway? How bad is the hangover anyway? The, 'I'll kill you the next time I see you' variety? I'll be sure to keep Hope at a good distance then." Snow freezes, paling. "I forgot he has a boomerang. Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad driving him home, was it?" Snow cheeks burn red and he closes his eyes. "Please don't kill me, sis."
A sharp yell sends the phone to the receiver and Snow looks at Serah with worried eyes. "I think sis is going to kill me when we leave. I don't want to die, Serah. Please protect me from your mean sister." He scoops her up in an embrace and carries her to the living room, burying his face in the crook of her neck. His warm lips kiss her skin and Serah closes her eyes, trying to relish the warmth that blooms inside her.
Hope's lips on her douse the feeling, and she grits her teeth.
"Snow?" Serah whispers.
Snow hums, kissing her neck and moving down to her collarbone. The touches are like feathers, sending goosebumps down her body, but the chill doesn't leave her.
"I-I need to to-"
"Condom?" Serah closes her eyes and he kisses her. She tilts her head and bites his lip. She will not tell him she's on birth control. It is another unimportant thing and she does not want to disturb his world.
"Not quite what I meant."
"Sorry," he mumbles, pulling away only to go back to kissing her collarbone. He sets her on the couch and runs his hands along her sides, trailing kisses up her jaw as well. His hands are phantoms, barely brushing her skin. In his hands she is a doll, and he's careful in how he handles her. "It's just...been so long. I missed you. I missed being with you."
"S-Snow." Serah clenches her eyes shut, willing the burn in her eyes to disappear.
"You're always there for me, Serah. Even when I screw up. Even when everything else seems to be going wrong. You're always there for me. I love it. I love you for it." He sucks hard on the corner of her jaw, then moves to her cheeks. Serah opens and closes her mouth, unable to start with the truth. His words send a flurry of warmth inside her, but some of it boils like anger.
"Snow, I-"
"I know it must be hard to be here all the time. I'm...glad that Hope and Lightning were there for you. And I'm sorry Lightning is leaving too. And that I'm leaving again. I want to stay with you, but the people out there-they need me."
Her chest tightens and she blinks back a tear. What about me? I need you, too. I need you to be here with me. I know-I know you want to help everyone, but what about me?
These are the words she wants to say, but they catch in her throat before she can force them out. He kisses her false starts away, saying over and over how much he loves her for always being there for him. For always waiting. He repeats his love when he peels off her shirt and she pulls down his pants, and again when they roll around on the couch, gasping and panting the other's name.
He says it the entire week. That he's glad she waits and is always there. The one part of his life that doesn't change, even while he goes off and changes the lives of others. He says it over the phone calls from Lightning who tries to push her toward a talk with Snow. He says it in the bedroom and the car and on the way to the station where she will say goodbye to him and her sister.
Serah knows she should feel warmth. Knows she should tell him that things have changed a little and that maybe his love shouldn't be as strong as it is. That hearing this shouldn't leave her trapped and utterly alone.
But her chest is cold and the truth fails to leave her lips.
Her hands shake as she and Snow walk through the semi-crowded station. Chatter fills the room, echoing off the walls and bouncing back at them. The noise leaves Serah's head throbbing, and Snow holds her hand tightly as he leads the way. He grins and points when he spots the other members of NORA, kissing her on the cheek as he pulls her toward them.
Serah tries to smile, but her jaw is tight and she sees that their faces are pale and sad. Yuj claps her shoulder and Gadot smiles, but Maqui is shaking his head and pulling her into a hug before she can say otherwise. Lebreau grabs her hand and rubs circles into the skin, and Serah easily feels what they all think,
This week went by too fast.
A clearing throat draws all their eyes and Lightning and Hope stand before them. Hope's eyes are downcast and Lightning's arms are loosely folded in front of her before she breaks apart and scoops Serah into a hug. "I will call you as often as I can. And I'll push for more frequent visits," she mutters the last part and Serah smiles, nodding.
"Thank you. Thank you, Claire."
Lightning pauses at the use of her real name before her shoulders sag and she grins. "There is nothing to thank me for." Lightning turns to Hope and ruffles his hair, sighing when she spots how bright his eyes are. "And don't you go on like this. I'll be calling you too, believe it or not."
"I know," Hope says, biting his lip. "But this-it's different. Way different. It's not like I can visit you during off-hours."
"I know, Hope. I know." And she pulls him into a tight hug, earning some 'aws' from NORA before a icy stare snaps all their mouths shut. Serah chuckles into her hand, gasping when Snow grabs her up and spins her around before pulling her to his chest.
"I don't know how I'm going to do this again. But when I come back, I promise we'll spend even more time together." His words make her eyes water again, and she nods. "I swear, Serah. I'll come back. No need to worry. Besides, a hero has to do what a hero has to do."
He gently places her back on the ground, kissing the top of her forehead, her cheek, and then her lips. Each touch leaves her skin tingling, and Snow's fingers linger on her cheeks. "My hero," Serah whispers, "I-I love you."
Snow nods, gulping a bit before nodding again. "Great, now my eyes hurt," he says, looking away. A chime fills the room and all heads look up before their gazes meet each other. Serah's heart clenches tighter and she gasps, trying to draw breath. Her mind scrambles and a hole rips inside her stomach, sucking out her warmth and thoughts and strength.
She grabs Snow's arm and almost pulls him back when he makes to leave, but a light tug breaks him free and it's all she can do to look him in the eye. Lightning whispers an "I love you." and she's watching her sister and her husband's backs, the hole in her stomach stretching to her chest. She chokes, hands trembling, and she presses a hand to her eye.
I didn't say it. I didn't say anything I needed to say. All I said was, "I love you." Not, I need you home more. Not that I need you beside me. Not that we need-need to work this out. Nothing. I didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything again.
"S-Snow-" Serah gasps out, her voice small and choked. "W-wait. I didn't-didn't tell you-I-I-"
But he turns the corner before she can get the second sentence out. The absences around her feel like cannon-sized holes, and her legs wobble. She presses a hand to her mouth and stares down at the blurring floor, tears dripping down her cheeks and nose.
"Oh-oh-all that and-and all we did-all we did-" She bites her fingers, shuddering.
Arms wrap around her and she jumps, eyes widening when she catches a glimpse of silver. Hope is warm and solid beside her, and her skipping, clenching, throbbing heart sends more strangled and muffled sobs through her. She closes her eyes and gasps again, hiccuping and sniffling until she dams back the flood.
"I-I'm okay. I'm okay now." Hope steps away from her and she glances up at his face, noting his own red-rimmed eyes and pale skin. He picks at the sleeves of his shirt, looking between her and the floor.
"I-I..." Hope starts, then stops, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
"I don't know if I can ever, ever tell you how sorry I am. I-I managed to screw things up pretty badly. I don't know how to-how I can ever, possibly..." Hope shakes his head, meeting her teary eyes. "I don't want you to forgive me. And-and I don't know how to make this right. If I can ever make this right. But-but-"
He runs his hands through his hair, messing up already frayed locks. He sticks his hand out to her and tenses, swallowing hard. "Just know that I'll always be there for you. That-that you don't have to be alone." He shakes his head, briefly closing his eyes. Serah's heart lodges itself in her throat. "But, if you ever-ever think you can look me in the eye again, I want to hang out. As friends." Hope manages a smile. A true smile, something she hasn't seen in the last week.
Her heart lightens and she doesn't know why.
"No matter what, I'm with you. And-and I hope-"
"Hope," Serah says, blinking when he snaps his mouth shut so fast his teeth clink. She grabs his hand and squeezes, another tear breaking off her eyelash. "Thank you."
Hope's eyes widen and his smile grows, although it's tempered by the sheen of tears she spots in his eyes. He nods, awkwardly clasping her hand before Serah rolls her eyes and pulls him into a hug. "We'll talk later," she says, closing her eyes. "But...but for now, let's just...leave it."
He nods again and they pull away, exchanging glances before parting ways. Serah watches his leave through a different set of glass sliding doors before doing the same.
Once the cold air hits her, she shivers, Snow's body no longer beside her to keep the cold at bay. The trek back to her car is longer than she remembered when she arrived, and she fumbles with her keys for minutes more than she likes. Even as the car starts and she cranks the heat up, the chill inside her chest does not leave her. Pulling out of the station's parking lot only seems to make the blizzard inside her grow, and dark night skies compound the ice. Her headlights shine bright on the smooth, paved road in front of her, and she nears her house in half an hour.
She looks at it through the window. Stares it down.
There's no one there. It's just me now. Just me to fill that big house. Just me to make solo meals. Just me to clean. Just me to fill up that bed and-and-
She shakes her head and pulls away before she can dwell on it any longer. She feels her heart in her throat, thumping away and making her entire body shake. Her hands tremble at the steering wheel and she drives aimlessly, wandering streets and running from the cold that follows her at breakneck speed. Snow is no longer there to hold it at bay; she no longer has her sister or NORA to turn to. And as much as she wants to see Hope, she can still feel his kiss and she just can't do it.
That kiss. That stupid kiss.
Serah growls and floors it, speeding around a block three times before pulling down another set of streets. She lets them lead her down their turns and slopes, breathing hard as cold erupts in her back. She surrounds herself with buildings full of people and streets busy with cars, but it doesn't beat back the chill. Rain pitter-patters on the roof of her car and she's forced to turn the wipers on. Soon everything around her is abandoned; the night too cold and the rain too hard to remain.
Her loneliness creeps back with ease and she hates herself for it. Hates that she needs Snow back. Hates that Snow wouldn't let her talk about how alone she was-had stopped her with his words of her being his rock.
What about me, Snow? Serah clenches her eyes shut, tears dripping into her lap. Who's supposed to be my rock? Who can I turn to?
Why am I always so alone?
She shakes her head and screeches to a stop, unsure of where she is and not caring. She throws her car door open and stomps outside, shoes squishing and sinking in the mud. Freezing rain beats down her back and knocks the air out of her lungs; before long her skin is numb and she barely notices how hard her teeth chatter. She walks around her car in circles, shaking her head and holding back sobs and cries.
This is stupid! So, so stupid! Why didn't I say anything? All it would have taken was, "Snow, I feel lonely when you're gone all the time." That could have started something.
She kicks the mud and it splatters the side of her car.
And now-now look. Now look at me. Nothing's changed. I couldn't say anything. And-and he didn't-he still didn't notice. He thought-thought every smile was real. Thought I was okay. Thought that-that-I don't know!
Why didn't you see, Snow? Why didn't I say something? Why do I keep running away?
Serah shrieks, slamming her foot in the ground and screaming up at the sky. Rain slithers down her mouth and leaves her even colder than before, and she closes her eyes.
"No one seems to see me," she mutters, hair sticking to her face. "No one sees who I really-"
She stops, mouth closing when silver hair and green eyes flash in her mind. Her mouth trembles and new tears prick her eyes and she wraps her arms around herself.
"Except him," she says, rocking herself back and forth. "He saw. He still sees. Maybe he always-always saw it...I didn't have to say anything."
She hiccups again and stumbles away from her car, hot tears turning to ice as they slide down her cheeks. The soft ground sinks beneath her and she chokes several times. The night cloaks everything in shadows but she spots several lights in the distance. Her feet turn and start toward them, and she smiles ruefully when one of them starts to blink.
What am I even doing?
But she keeps walking, and soon she's at the cement stairs of the house with the flickering light. One by one step she walks up toward the door, and her heart clenches before skipping. It jumps into her throat, its new home recently, and chokes her voice with its constant pounding. She's still crying and cold and alone, and she raises a quaking hand to the door as the light blinks off and on again.
Knocks once. Twice. Three times.
In the back of her mind she knows she's been here. Her reddened eyes widen as the light above her dies out and the door opens. New light floods out, striking her with its dim glow as silver hair and green eyes face her.
"S-Serah?"
Her entire body warms hearing him say her name.
The loneliness recedes.