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Chapter 22
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John leaned back against the seat of the Town Car that had been sent to pick everyone up from the park. He smiled remembering how great it had been. The day was sunny and warm but not too hot and he had soaked in every ray of sunshine he could get.
He peered down at TJ asleep in a car seat next to him, knowing the child had used every ounce of energy he'd had while they were there. His eyes had lit up at the swings and slide and he had seemed nervous but excited when they put him on the see saw. Of course Teyla had needed to go on with him while Vala sat on the other side. John remembered how much they had enjoyed going up and down and he realized that both of them were not from this planet and had never used equipment like this before. Seeing the new experience from their eyes had been great.
While Teyla had pushed Torren on a swing, Vala had gone on too and liked the swings almost as much as the see saw. He, Ronon and Mitchell had thrown a small football around during this time. John had been slightly perturbed when he had recognized a few of the SGC guards strolling around the perimeter of the park, in civilian clothes of course. But he knew it was for his safety as well as anyone else's. He just hated to acknowledge that he still wasn't back to 'normal' and was seen as a potential threat.
But being out there today was so much closer to normal than he had been for a long time and he started to feel like maybe he could fully recover. He didn't even want to admit to the fear that he might never be able to. He knew his thoughts were still scattered and confused at times but he was beginning to feel more with it. He knew maybe part of that was regaining his strength and energy. His back was still tender in spots and his leg and ribs ached occasionally but he was getting regular sleep and his appetite had increased to the point where he could eat larger portions than before.
And he had done the packed lunch justice today. It was just sandwiches but he had managed to eat an entire one that had been stuffed with meat and cheese. And he had shared a bag of chips with TJ though Teyla wondered if the child should be eating such things. John had made sure to break them into little pieces for the boy before he gave one to him and he had loved them. And John had loved the whole day.
They had been able to stay for quite a few hours and John hadn't even minded when Dr. Marshall had shown up shortly after they arrived. Especially when John had approached him and he had explained. "General Landry was still a bit skeptical but I told him I would come along. I just didn't tell him that I had no plans of riding with you here or interacting. Truthfully I thought it would be a great opportunity to get a little fresh air and sunshine and finish this book I've been reading. And I get paid to do it."
Marshall had held up a mystery novel and true to his word hadn't bothered them. John had glanced his way often and noticed the man truly was engrossed in finishing the book. So John had enjoyed the day with his friends and family. He'd gotten to know Vala and Mitchell a little better and he and Cam had traded war stories and tales of flight training and they had listened to some stories from Ronon as well.
Vala and Teyla spoke of many things and debated the benefits and disadvantages of being foreigners among the Tau'ri. John listened intently when he was nearby so he could understand and make things easier on Teyla once he got out of his temporary confinement.
Looking around the back of the car, he had to believe it was temporary. They couldn't keep him in the infirmary, isolation room or not, indefinitely. And he hoped to God that they wouldn't stick him in some institution for the mentally unstable, though at times he certainly felt that way.
But not today. Today he felt good. No, he felt great! He had gotten some fresh air, sunshine, activity and had people around him to share it with. And he was finally beginning to believe all this was real. He was finally truly free of Athena and her goons and the variety of torture they had inflicted on him for far too long. His belly was full, his body was healing and he even had the pleasure of kissing Teyla a few times throughout the day. All that was definitely real.
He leaned his head back against the seat and watched the view pass by the windows. The others were chatting amicably but he just sat and listened. Occasionally Teyla looked at him with concern but he would simply squeeze her hand and smile letting her know he was fine. The day had been so perfect and he wanted to remember it all as much as he could.
Too soon they had reached the SGC and were standing in the elevator going down. His leg had begun to ache a bit and he asked Ronon to grab a still sleeping TJ so he could take some weight off it. No guards had entered the elevator with them and John felt freer than ever.
"Carolyn said you should check in with her when we get back and Landry wanted a synopsis of the day," Mitchell explained as the elevator stopped and the doors began to open. "But I bet you could go and put Torren down first in Teyla's quarters before you go there. I can take my time getting to Landry as well to give you a few extra minutes before you check in."
John smiled his appreciation as he exited. "Thanks, Mitchell, and you too Vala for coming today. It was great!"
"It was our pleasure," Vala responded her eyes showing that she really meant it. "I've gotten used to this little guy and I'm so pleased …"
Vala stopped mid-sentence when she saw John's face grow hard and fear enter his eyes. Charlotte Mayfield was walking down the hall toward them with a guard by her side.
John's eyes scanned the area and his breathing grew rough. He eyed the weapon the guard had strapped to his hip and tried to figure out a way to get at it. Why didn't these people see who she was?
John whipped his head around to where Ronon was standing with TJ on his shoulder and growled, "Get him out of here, now! Teyla, go with them."
John felt Ronon move back a few steps but Teyla took a few forward and he felt fear scream through his gut. He couldn't let Teyla near Athena.
Teyla saw the woman who had once been the host of Athena, John's captor, and knew this was not good. Her eyes flew to John's face and immediately saw the fear in them. She could not let him begin to have delusions again but having the woman here, face to face, was certainly something that would most definitely trigger another episode.
"John," Teyla said calmly as she faced him and held out her hand to touch his heaving chest. "This is not Athena. I know you believe it to be but do you recall that you shot her? Remember you took my gun and shot her in the neck. Your actions forced the parasite to release its hold on Charlotte Mayfield, the host. This is the woman who was being held prisoner by the Goa'uld, Athena, but she is no longer. She is free and you can see her wound as evidence."
Mayfield touched her neck as she stared horrified at John and Teyla knew she did not wish to cause John any further distress. She had not visited with the woman but Vala had been seeing her quite often and had told Teyla of the shame she felt at all she had been forced to do while inhabited. The woman's eyes filled with moisture and her lower lip trembled.
"I am so sorry, Colonel Sheppard," she cried softly as the man stared at her agonized. "I am so sorry for what I was forced to do to you. I know you can never forgive me and I …"
Vala took a step closer to her now. "You are not the one who should be apologizing, Charlotte. You did nothing wrong. It was Athena and her control over you. I know how hard it is to get the images of the horrors she put your body through but remember, you are not responsible."
Vala turned to John who was standing tense and still, staring at the woman. His hand had reached for Teyla and pushed her slightly to the side. But Teyla had stood firmly by him and kept her hand on his arm to assure him of her presence.
"John," Vala addressed him informally hoping he would snap out of his trance long enough to hear her. "This is Charlotte Mayfield and yes, she was host to Athena during your captivity. But I can assure you she is no longer inhabited by a Goa'uld. I have been visiting her every day since you were both brought back and attempting to help her overcome her grief and guilt at what was done to her. She is as much a victim of this as you."
Vala shook her head and pleaded emotionally. "You've got to believe me. This is not Athena and this woman has no desire to harm you. If you recall I also was a host to the Goa'uld, Qetesh for many years and I can tell you that the parasite completely takes control of your body leaving you helpless. She is not responsible for what happened to you."
Teyla watched as John glared at Mayfield but she could see confusion and uncertainly dancing in his eyes. She was not sure how she would help him to understand but she knew she must. This was a large part of John's recovery.
"John, think back to when you were rescued and you shot Athena," Teyla prompted. "Do you recall how the symbiote exited from this woman and both Ronon and Teal'c shot it and made it disintegrate? I know you saw this; you just need to search your memory and understand that the Goa'uld symbiote was the villain but is now gone. Athena will not return again."
John looked around and saw all eyes on him as he gazed into the face of his torturer. But as Teyla spoke to him he had images of shooting her and her neck bleeding. So how was she here now? But then another image of a long snake like creature slithering from her mouth and attempting to reach one of the guards came into his mind too. But Ronon had shot it then Teal'c had blasted it with his Zat a few times until it had become nothing but dust. That had really happened, right? All these people right here were telling him that it had.
He wanted to believe them, he really did because then it would mean that Athena was really gone and couldn't hurt him again. But he had been tricked too often by her and he didn't want to get his hopes up only to find himself hanging like a side of beef from the rafters waiting for the crack of her whip.
But as he looked around again and saw the grass stains on his pants he knew he had spent the day outside in a park and not chained to a pole. His back was fine and his body barely ached. He felt rested and well fed and stronger than he ever had while captive. Was this all a dream? But if it were why was this woman standing in front of him? And why was she crying and looking as if she were heartsick?
He stood there a few more minutes and was surprised when everyone simply allowed him time to think. He could tell they were on edge and curious as to what he would do but they still gave him time. That was something Athena, Guido and Bruno never did. So maybe this wasn't Athena. He hadn't seen her eyes glow and she sounded softer and more gentle than he'd ever heard her and she was still crying and distraught. He didn't think Athena had any emotions other than anger and impatience.
John felt Teyla's hand squeeze his arm and her body move closer to his. He looked down at her face which was filled with worry and concern but he also saw something else. Warmth and caring and was it … love? And it was shining brightly for him to see so clearly that he almost forgot that Athena was standing there in front of him.
He gazed around again, wanting more than anything for this to be true, for this to be real where this woman was merely a victim too and she had no desire to hurt him or use him for her sadistic amusement. Teyla held tighter to his arm and lifted one hand to his face.
"We are all here for you, John. We are here to support you and help you in any way we can. No one here will cause you harm or allow anyone else to cause you harm."
John heard Ronon clear his throat and mutter, "We've got your back, Buddy."
At the sound of Ronon's solid voice and Teyla's calm and sweet one, John felt moisture coat his eyes. They were really here and they had all just had a great day outside in the park and Teyla and Vala had played on the see saw like kids. That had been real. This was real. And he needed to trust them. Because they had trusted him enough to go to bat for him with Landry and get him out of this depressing place.
John moved his eyes to see Mayfield attempting to wipe the tears from her face as she begged forgiveness. He wasn't sure he was quite ready for that yet but he could take a small step and maybe it would help him in his recovery too.
"I um …" John began then swallowed the lump that was growing larger each second. "I … know that it wasn't really you … and I get that you're sorry. And I'm sorry for … everything … Athena did to you too. Right now I think … that's all I can give you."
John cleared his throat and knew he just needed to get out of her presence before all the memories of what she had done exploded in his mind and caused him to flip out again. But for now he was holding in as much control as he could muster. "I … uh, hope you don't take this the wrong way … but I … don't think it's a good idea … for me to see you right now. I … I'm not sure I'll ever be ready."
Mayfield nodded vigorously and croaked, "I understand. Really. And I don't blame you."
"I uh …" and John let out a very shaky breath, "I don't blame you either. But the memories are still far too recent for me."
"We completely understand, John," Vala said firmly and began to guide Mayfield away from the area, the guard following closely behind though only after a nod from Mitchell that they had everything under control with Sheppard.
"You okay, Sheppard?" Ronon moved up closer to his friend, the little boy still sleeping soundly through the whole ordeal.
John gazed at TJ and smiled as best he could though it was a little warped. He took another deep breath and nodded. "Sure, I think so. I didn't flip out and take anyone's gun so I guess that's a bonus, huh?"
"A definite bonus," Cam replied and carefully patted John on the shoulder. "Now why don't you go and get that little boy of yours down for a nap. You look like you could use one, too. I'll let Landry and Carolyn know where to find you if they need you."
John nodded his thanks and Cam started down the hallway. "You know, Sheppard, … I think you're gonna be just fine."
Teyla began to steer John down the hall to her quarters and John allowed himself to be led. He followed Ronon as he placed Torren on the bed and sat next to the child rubbing his back to settle him back from being disturbed.
"I might take Mitchell up on his suggestion and lay down too if you don't mind," John whispered quietly although he knew Torren had slept through the whole scene in the hallway.
"Of course, John," Teyla answered sweetly and began to move around the room emptying TJ's diaper bag and tidying things.
Ronon lifted his chin and insisted, "Get some rest, Sheppard. You did good. I'll make sure no one comes in to disturb you," and he moved toward the door.
John nodded his thanks but Ronon had already gone so he reclined next to TJ and wrapped one hand around the child's prone body. He smiled when he saw TJ move closer to his warmth. He closed his eyes and thought about what had just happened. His first instinct was to grab the guard's weapon and shoot the woman … but he hadn't. He knew it was mostly because the guard wasn't close enough to him but he hadn't even attempted it. Especially not after Teyla had soothed him.
He knew it was awful but he hoped he never had to see the Mayfield woman again. He hated the memories that resurfaced so clearly at the sight of her. But he also knew she really wasn't to blame for what had happened to him. She was a victim too. He and Caldwell had had a discussion about what it was like after it had happened to him.
He felt sleep pull at him and he knew he should succumb however part of him hated to give up control. But he knew Ronon was at the door and he could hear Teyla moving quietly around the room and his anxiety lessened and he began to feel safe. He then thought of what Mitchell had said as he'd walked away; 'I think you're gonna be just fine' and for the first time in many months, John actually believed that.
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"And where is Colonel Sheppard now?" Carolyn asked as she sat in her father's office with Cam Mitchell.
"He went back to Teyla's quarters to put the kid down for a nap. Both Teyla and Ronon were with him so I wouldn't worry. They won't let him do anything and honestly I think between the long day outside and the scene with Mayfield he seemed pretty wiped. I wouldn't be surprised if he was out cold next to the boy."
Landry scowled. "And you're telling me seeing Mayfield didn't affect him at all."
"I didn't say that," Mitchell corrected. "The man was wound tighter than a drum and his eyes kept darting all over the place. He kept looking at the guard's sidearm but he never actually did anything about it. You could see the gears grinding in his mind and we all just gave him time to process while Teyla and Vala tried to convince him it wasn't Athena. They did a good job too but I don't think it was just what they said. He understood the circumstances and what was going on once it was explained. I don't think he even realized that Mayfield was still on base and it took him by surprise."
"We never told him that," Carolyn supplied. "I honestly didn't know if that would set him off further and make him feel unsafe while he was here. But she has her own little problems trying to deal with what she was made to do. She agreed to stay here and heal and start seeing Dr. Marshall since he knows all about the situation. She knows there aren't any psychologists who can deal with what happened to her."
"And you said he was fine all during the outing," Landry clarified. "He didn't seem paranoid or nervous at all?"
"No," Mitchell shook his head. "Well, maybe a little annoyed when he saw some of the SGC guards strolling the perimeter of the park but he just rolled his eyes and brushed it off. He had a great time with Torren and played ball with Ronon and me and ate an entire sandwich, which I guess is pretty good since he hasn't eaten big meals lately, right?"
Carolyn smiled. "We've been trying to increase his food intake but it'll take a while to get him back to eating what he was before and we don't want to rush it. And I'm very encouraged by his reaction to seeing Ms. Mayfield. Honestly I would have thought that was a huge trigger to setting him off on another rampage."
"Oh, it triggered something all right," Mitchell told them. "But it sure wasn't any rampage. Like I said before, he conceded that she was a victim too but he also admitted that now wasn't really the best time for him to see her and that maybe it never would be. Then after Vala took her away he actually joked that at least he hadn't grabbed anyone's gun. Sounds like he's getting pretty close to where he was."
Landry just stood nodding his head looking pensive. He finally glanced up toward his daughter. "What do you think, Carolyn?"
Carolyn smiled encouragingly. "I think today's little trip went a long way in helping Colonel Sheppard begin to heal in more ways than just physically. It might be a good idea to see if we can get him outside more often and into more normal circumstances. Lets' face it, sitting in a hospital bed with guards outside your door isn't typical. And we should see about getting him back with a few more of his constituents from Atlantis."
Landry chuckled. "You know Jack is always looking for a good reason to throw a party. Maybe we can talk him into a belated welcome back party for Sheppard. Speak with Teyla and see who she thinks would be good to have come from Atlantis."
"Yeah, that's an excellent idea," Carolyn replied. "Though maybe not too many but a dozen or so people altogether wouldn't be bad." She raised her eyebrow and quipped. "I could use a nice day out as well. Maybe I'll see if I can get on the guest list."
"Hey," Mitchell cleared his throat. "Maybe that guest list could include a few SGC and not just Atlantis personnel."
Carolyn smiled. "I'll try but you may have more pull with O'Neill than I do. I may have to get you to get me invited. And no, Dad," she looked over at her father, "I don't think having you there would be the relaxing time that Colonel Sheppard needs."
"What?" Landry objected. "I can be fun. Right, Mitchell? Didn't we have a great time at my hunting cabin, well once we got that vicious creature taken care of, that is?"
Mitchell just laughed and walked toward the door. "I'm pleading the fifth on that one, Sir."
Carolyn laughed too at her father's indignant face. "Oh, please, don't get all bent out of shape. You're the boss. No one wants to be hanging out with the boss. Get over it."
As Carolyn walked out behind Mitchell, she heard the general mutter, "Fine, see how many of them I invite up to my cabin again."
She allowed the door to close without answering.
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"So I heard Sheppard had a great day today," O'Neill said as he and Sam walked up to Ronon who was hanging out in the hall talking to Teal'c outside Teyla's quarters.
"Yup," Ronon grunted. "Great day at the park but back here, well, that could have been better if he hadn't seen the lady who tortured him."
At Sam's look of rebuttal, Ronon nodded. "I know it wasn't really her but in Sheppard's mind it still was."
"And he exerted much control in his actions and decisions," Teal'c added. "Colonel Sheppard is indeed making progress if he can differentiate between the one who harmed him and the victims she entrapped. I believe it is a cause to celebrate."
Jack chuckled. "You know apparently Hank was thinking the same thing. I've been enlisted to throw a party at my place in honor of Sheppard getting back on his feet and I need to invite some of the Atlantis crew. Ronon, maybe you and Teyla could come up with a short list; Lam doesn't want too many but more than he's been exposed to yet. Baby steps I guess."
"Amelia," Ronon blurted. "You should invite Amelia."
Jack looked confused but Sam smiled knowingly. "Sure , I think we can invite her. Maybe you can think of a few more who John would want there. You can discuss it with Teyla and let us know. I believe Jack was thinking next weekend."
"Teal'c, you're going to come, too, right," Jack asked the Jaffa.
The man gave a bow. "Undomesticated equines could not keep me away," Teal'c said with his typical straight face but Jack shook his head laughing knowing the phrase was a running joke with them. "Perhaps you could have that kielbasa that you cook on the grill. I have found that very appealing."
Jack pursed his lips. "Sure, Teal'c, anything for you."
"I'll even make my potato salad that you like," Sam offered.
"Sheppard likes potato salad," Ronon commented, "though on Atlantis it's sometimes made with kabella plants. Sheppard said they're similar but he says he prefers real potatoes."
"Good," Sam nodded. "Then I'll definitely make any extra batch. Is he in there with Teyla?"
Ronon bobbed his head. "He fell asleep with Torren. I told him I'd keep watch. He seems to sleep a little easier when he knows someone's got his back."
"I understand that," O'Neill muttered. "Well, keep watch then and we'll see you later." He took Carter's hand and steered her away from them down the hallway to her quarters. He stopped in front of the door and saw as Teal'c engaged Ronon in some animated conversation, or as animated as Teal'c could ever get. He knew he was allowing them to enter without the Satedan noticing. Jack didn't really care but appreciated the gesture.
Once inside Jack pulled Sam into his arms and whispered, "How about we have our own little private party right here."
Sam looked scandalized and teased, "Right now, Sir? It isn't even dinner time."
Jack's lips began to nibble on her neck and his hands moved to unbutton her uniform shirt. "But I'm hungry now, Carter. And not really for anything the mess hall is serving."
Her shirt floated to the floor and he tugged on the hem of her t-shirt. She moved to give him better access and then unbuttoned her pants. Soon she was standing before him with nothing but a smile and his smile grew even wider.
Sam looked at Jack still resplendent in his dress uniform and saluted. "General, Sir, are there any orders you wish for me to carry out, Sir."
Jack's mouth twisted at her sassy cheek. "Of course I have orders for you, Colonel. What kind of a general would I be if I didn't have orders?"
Jack unbuttoned his jacket and slipped it from his shoulders then stared at her sultry frame. This woman could get him so hot and he knew it had been hell for so many years when he had to rein it in. But now, at least here in the privacy of her quarters they could fulfill every fantasy that he'd ever had.
"You know Carter having you standing there looking that way has caused me to have a little problem." He looked down and indicated the tenting on the front of his pants. "Perhaps you could do something about that."
Sam grinned at his request and studied the problem. "Well, Sir, there are probably a few things that could be done to alleviate this situation from medication to cold showers but I honestly think one of the quickest and most beneficial ways would be this."
And she knelt in front of him and unzipped his trousers then lowered them to withdraw his growing arousal. Jack stood motionless as she caressed his skin and began to stroke his strength. He was standing here still mostly in his uniform and a beautiful, naked woman was pressing her lips and tongue against his erection. Yeah, this was definitely what fantasies were made of. He thought about what Marshall had said about Sheppard and his fantasies of Teyla during his time in captivity. If they were anything like this, he couldn't imagine why Sheppard would ever come back from them.
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