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Chapter 23

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"So, Colonel," John addressed Sam Carter from the back seat of her silver sedan, "No guards today, huh? Special occasion? Or is Teal'c here on duty?"

"I am merely a passenger in this vehicle and a guest at O'Neill's home," Teal'c answered in his deep monotone. "I have no other function today than to enjoy myself and the company of others."

Sam glanced in the rearview mirror and said, "I think your seeing Mayfield last week and remaining calm played a big part in that, John."

"Oh, believe me there wasn't a single part of me that was calm at that point," John confessed though he figured everyone already knew that.

"Well, you kept your cool and you responded like expected so General Landry thought getting you out more often would be a good thing. General O'Neill has a great house and yard for a cookout so he volunteered."

"I believe it was General Landry who volunteered O'Neill," Teal'c replied. "He merely agreed."

Sam laughed. "Yeah, you're probably right but when does Jack ever pass up an opportunity to barbeque? And John, when are you going to start calling me Sam?"

John looked around uncomfortably. "Maybe when you don't outrank me anymore."

"That could be sooner than you think," Sam informed him. "There's been a lot of talk about what you did. Did we ever tell you that you received the Medal of Honor from the President? It was posthumously, of course, at your funeral."

John gave a quirky smile and reached over to take Teyla's hand that was resting on TJ's car seat. "Yeah, Marshall mentioned it this week."

John thought about all the meetings he'd had with the therapist, every day this week. He'd allowed Teyla and Torren to come to the next one he'd had but had shooed them away after a short while. John hadn't been happy about that since it meant the man could start digging into the heavy duty stuff. Surprisingly he hadn't jumped right into the torture but he hadn't waited too long either.

Mostly he had John tell him about his life on Atlantis and some of the dangers he'd run into there. By the third day he had segued into other times he'd been hurt or captured and then by Thursday had attempted to get him to talk about what had happened this time. John was pretty sure he had disappointed the man though he hadn't seemed upset with what they'd discussed.

Marshall had indicated that John should open up to Teyla and speak with her about it, too. He thought it would help to let it out with someone closer to him. But he wasn't sure he wanted Teyla to know all the hell he'd been put through. He knew she'd be upset. But when he really thought about it, she'd obviously seen his back and all the bruises and cuts; she had to have some idea.

And maybe someday he'd be ready to talk about it with her. Not right now though. Today he'd be seeing some of his friends from Atlantis. He was looking forward to that however he had to admit to being a little nervous also. He hadn't seen them in over four months. Would they still look at him the same? He didn't think they would since he knew he wasn't the same. Things had changed; he had changed.

He remained quiet until they pulled into the driveway and then he actually felt butterflies in his stomach when he saw the cars already parked along the street. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe he wasn't quite ready for this yet. He hated the isolation room but it had become safe for him especially when Teyla and Torren came in to visit. What if he freaked out on these people while he was here?

Teyla saw his apprehension and squeezed the hand that had been holding hers. "Would you get Torren undone from this seat for me, John?" she asked and he knew it was to try and keep his mind off where they were going and all the people who would be there.

"Sure," he answered and began the task of clips and straps. Torren jumped right into his arms as soon as he was free and scrambled for the door.

"Hold on, kiddo," John gave a stern but gentle warning. "You can't go running off, remember. You need to be with Mommy or Daddy."

"Tay, Dada," Torren chirped back and wrapped his arms around John's neck. "Doe."

"Okay, I'll go," John said as he placed a sloppy wet kiss on the boy's cheek. Torren giggled and rubbed his moist face on John's shoulder. John quickly moved out of the car and followed Carter, Teal'c and Teyla up to the house. He knew that Ronon, Rodney and the others had come earlier to help set up.

And that's who he saw as soon as they took the steps up onto the large, wooden deck that surrounded the one story house. John noticed the nice private backyard filled with green grass and a border of tress. He smiled thinking it wasn't too different from the house he and Teyla had.

That stopped him short for a second. The house he and Teyla had. They had a house, right? He remembered it very clearly. He and Torren used to play ball in the back yard. But they lived on Atlantis, too. How could that be? He tried to search his mind for facts that supported what he was thinking but just became even more confused.

He took a deep breath and felt panic streak through him. He was about to turn around and head back to the car when Ronon came over and slapped him on the shoulder, drawing his attention away from his inner thoughts.

"Hey, Buddy," he said then tousled Torren's hair. "Hey, Little Buddy. They've got some amazing food ready to grill. Wait til you see it. Hope you brought your appetite."

"John's appetite has grown much since he has returned," Teyla inserted as she guided John further into the crowd of people who had come out onto the deck. John didn't have time to go back to thinking about houses and where they lived because suddenly he had people, though only a few at a time, come up to him to say hello and welcome him back.

"Colonel, it's great to see you," Lorne greeted him and he had Laura Cadman by his side, though John thought things felt a little out of place as everyone was wearing casual clothes instead of BDU's. "You look so much better than when we brought you back. I hope you're feeling better.'

John passed TJ over to Ronon who took him to play in the grass then held his hand out for his XO. "I want to thank you, Lorne, for coming to get me and for all the work I know Woolsey's been making you do because I wasn't around. I appreciate it."

Lorne just shrugged it off. "You couldn't have kept me off the rescue team, Sir, and I know I'd probably be doing most of the paperwork anyway even if you were around. That was never your favorite activity."

John chuckled and grinned at the words. "Okay, you got me there, Lorne. But hopefully I can get back soon and relieve you of at least a few duties."

"Truthfully, Sir, it's been a little slow around Atlantis since we've been back on Earth. Not as much to do. And quite a few of the military personnel have been working out of the SGC or been sent to other bases for now. We're still waiting on word from the IOA and other world leaders regarding the city."

John frowned. "Yeah, I've heard. Not very happy about it, though. Maybe they're all just waiting until I was ready to fly her back."

Lorne chuckled. "That must be it, Sir. So that will be soon, right, Colonel?"

John gave a crooked smile and shrugged. "Getting there, Major."

"Good," Lorne replied. "Well, enjoy the party. I'll catch up with you later. I think a few other people want to say hi."

John nodded, said a few words to Cadman then turned to start speaking with some of the others who came. Rodney was hanging out with Keller which wasn't really a surprise except that Keller was still putting up with him four months later. Ronon and Amelia seemed to be pretty tight and were keeping TJ occupied with a large plastic ball in the back yard. Radek attempted to keep from complaining about Rodney but only lasted for about a minute before he said something and then Marie pulled him away saying John didn't want to hear complaints today.

Radek merely whined, "But Colonel Sheppard is only one who can control the man. He needs to come back soon before I do something I will regret."

John smirked and realized he really had missed these people and the butterflies that had been fluttering wildly began to settle down and dissipate. He looked around and saw Carson coming out of the house with Dr. Allison Porter on his arm. When he saw John, his face broke into a huge grin and he released her to make his way over.

"John, lad," he cried as his arms went around the guest of honor. "It's about bloody time you got here. I kept telling them I'd come back to fix you up but they said to enjoy the time with me mum and that Carolyn was working her miracles with you. I know she's the best so it's the only reason I didn't fly right back."

John backed away self-consciously. He wasn't really one for public hugs especially with another guy but Carson was a good friend and he knew he should be appreciative that he had such good friends.

"Thanks, Carson," he answered. "She is taking very good care of me. And I wasn't really in the best mood for receiving company for the last few weeks. I'm sure you got filled in."

Carson just nodded not wanting to let John know all the medical reports he had been privy to. He knew John was a very private man and wouldn't want others to know exactly what he had been through. But he had worried for his friend and made sure they kept him updated along the way.

"You remember Allison, don't you?" Carson asked as he pulled the attractive young woman closer to his side. "I brought her home to meet me mum."

John raised his eyebrows. "That's a big step, Carson. Anything you want to share?"

Carson blushed and so did Porter but the medical doctor just shook his head and whispered, "Not right now but perhaps soon. Keep it hush for now though if you don't mind."

John winked at him and nodded. "Gotcha."

Just then Teyla walked up to him and after a hug Carson excused himself to go get some food. Teyla had a small plate in her hands and held it up to John as she approached.

"John, you must try this. Sam made it and it is delicious. Much better than what they make in the mess hall."

John looked at the potato salad and smiled. He loved potato salad, especially when it was real.

"That's because what we have in the mess hall is usually made with those weird tube like plants that aren't really potatoes," he explained to Teyla and took the plate to take a few bites. Sure enough she was right. This was much better than anything they made in the mess hall. It was some of the best potato salad he'd tasted.

He took a few more bites then handed it back to Teyla. "Don't let me eat too much right now. You know I still get full fairly quick. I want the chance to try a little of everything. I heard O'Neill's pretty good with the grill."

Teyla nodded. "He was just bringing a large tray with meat out to start cooking it. He said it will not be too much longer."

John saw O'Neill now standing at the grill with a big apron on and Carter standing close to his side. They were just chatting but he noticed they seemed pretty comfortable with each other. But then they had been on the same team for over eight years, they should be.

A happy squeal had him looking down to the yard to see Torren giggling as Ronon and Mitchell tossed him in the air between them. He heard Teyla let out a sigh and start in their direction.

John joined her but cautioned, "He's having fun. And he hasn't eaten yet. Let them do it now because after he eats we don't want him getting too rough and tumble or he'll lose everything he just ate."

Teyla just glared at him and continued. But when she got to where they were she stopped near Vala and Daniel and began to chat. John paused close to them and watched as the two men swung the little boy by his arms and legs and flew him high in the air only to stop him before he could reach the ground. John could see he was having a blast.

"Hey, TJ, do I get a turn?"

The boy giggled again and shook his head. "Too bid, Dada."

Ronon eyed him and commented, "I don't know, Sheppard, I think we might be able to do it. You need to eat something and put on some weight."

Mitchell grinned. "I'd have to agree with him on that one. Check out the dessert table. I made a pecan pie just like my gramma used to make. Mmm mmm, it is delicious. But it's not low fat. My gramma didn't make anything low fat. It'll put a few pounds on you."

"Sounds good," John responded. "I'll make sure I get a piece after the meal. Teyla's already been feeding me potato salad."

"And the potato salad is really good. I snitched a little myself," Amelia interjected as she came over with three beer bottles in her hands. She handed some to Mitchell and Ronon and kept one for herself. She looked at John apologetically. "I didn't get you one, Sir, did you want this one? I can get another."

John shook her off. "No, thanks Banks, I'm not sure my stomach is quite ready for alcohol yet. Hopefully soon."

"It's great to see you again, Sir," she began again after she took a sip from her bottle. "It hasn't been the same without you. Oh, and Chuck says you owe him a case of beer."

"I do?" John asked curiously. He'd purposefully avoided thinking back too much to his time on Atlantis, though he wasn't sure why but he didn't remember owing the technician beer.

Amelia grinned. "Yeah, he made sure Mr. Woolsey's schedule was such that he couldn't actually come today though he let him know he was certainly invited."

John gave a comical snort. Yes, he did owe Chuck as he knew he might not be ready to face the dour, serious expedition leader just yet. "I'll get him his beer. You tell him it's with my pleasure and I appreciate the interference."

John and the others played with TJ for a little while longer then O'Neill called out that the meat from the grill was ready and if they wanted some they needed to get in line before Teal'c or Ronon got there. He couldn't guarantee any left after that. John had to agree and hefted himself from the ground.

"Come on, Pal," he said to TJ as he hauled him into his arms and moved toward where Teyla was still speaking with Vala and Daniel. "Time to eat. Are you hungry?"

"Ya," Torren answered. "Tate?"

John laughed. "Hmm, there might be some cake or other kind of dessert for later but now we need real food first."

Torren just nodded and said, "Mama, eat," as they passed her. She nodded at Vala and joined John in the food line. Once they'd filled plates they settled into chairs near a few of the tables scattered around the yard. Rodney wandered by with Jennifer next to him and John could see that the doc was encouraging him to sit at the same table. Rodney seemed a little unsure.

"McKay," John called out and pointed to the two empty chairs near him. "Park it so the Doc can eat her food before it turns moldy."

Rodney gave a half smile and stammered, "Oh, okay, uh, yeah, sure."

He and Jennifer started to eat and Jennifer began small talk with Teyla while John broke some of the food into small pieces for Torren to chew. John noticed Rodney glancing at him every now and then and finally just stared at the man waiting for him to spit out whatever was bothering him.

When Rodney finally realized John was looking at him he cleared his throat and muttered, "Listen, John, I um, wanted to say, … I'm uh … sorry about last week."

John narrowed his eyes and said, "What, that you ate my toast? I told you that you could have it. It's no big deal."

"No," Rodney snapped back. "I didn't mean the toast. I meant when I brought in that stupid Ancient device and asked you to get it working. I didn't realize, … I mean I knew you had … but I didn't know that she … well, you know, that bad things happened after using it. I didn't mean to make you nuts again."

John looked at Rodney oddly and again he had images floating by all disjointed and separate from each other. He really hated that they did this. He knew soon he would have to sit down and figure out where each of these images went and actually get a timeline and do some serious thinking about them. But not yet. And that's why Rodney's words were puzzling to him.

He did remember the device, too many times unfortunately and he vaguely remembered something about his IV stand and then falling asleep in Teyla's arms. The rest he had apparently tried to discard into the back of his mind where all the other unpleasant or confusing stuff was piling up. Yeah, he needed to go in and clean that up soon. He wasn't looking forward to it though.

He looked around a few more times then slowly replied, "I um … kind of remember, … did I hit you with a pole?" At McKay's nod he scowled and made a face. "Ooh, sorry, McKay. That day's a little fuzzy now. I'm sure I didn't mean to do it. Are you okay?"

"Me? Sure of course I'm … oh well, I do have this small spot that …"

Jennifer interrupted his little drama and said, "He's fine. There was no permanent damage, Colonel. And he realized now he should check with the medical professionals before introducing anything new to you. Honestly, I'm a little envious. There are times I want to hit him on the side of the head but I don't think I'd get excused quite as easily as you."

John still seemed uncomfortable and gave an awkward shrug. "Well, I am still sorry, Rodney. I just get these flashbacks sometimes and I just react without really thinking things through. I'm trying though."

Rodney smiled and nodded. "Don't worry about it. After what you went through I think we can give you a free pass to go nuts occasionally."

John laughed loudly and closed his eyes. "Thanks, Rodney. Appreciate it."

"And Jackson figured out what the device was for anyway," Rodney sulked.

John looked curiously at him and Rodney explained what Daniel had found on the computers. "But in typical Ancient ways, they screwed it up and never figured out how to actually get it to work right."

"So …" John started, his face pensive, "Every time I touched the thing it hooked me up to Teyla? Is that why I constantly thought of you and felt like you were with me?" He turned and looked at Teyla for this question.

She nodded. "Yes, and I should confess that I dreamed of you each night as well. Many times I felt your presence during the day also. It was confusing for me and I surmised that your spirit was visiting me or perhaps that you had even ascended and were breaking the rules to be near me."

John smiled at this then reached for Teyla's hand. "Sounds like something I'd do though I'm not sure I'm really ascension material."

"He says this now," McKay whined, "after he tried to help me ascend when I got zapped by that other stupid Ancient machine. Like the blind leading the blind."

TJ shuffled in John's lap and called out, "Dada," as John had stopped giving him food. John rectified the situation as Teyla informed him, "I believe Torren also felt you near him during the days and had dreams at night. You were gone for a while yet he never forgot you."

John smiled and gave the child a kiss on his head. The boy looked up and puckered his lips. John took the hint and pressed a sweet kiss to the toddler's tiny lips. Rodney whined about too much mush floating around and the others chastised him.

John smirked but after that McKay seemed much less nervous and started talking about some of the technical stuff he was working on. John almost wished he had stayed silent for a while. But then he remembered over three months of silence and made sure to stay tuned in to each and every word. He spent the afternoon doing that; listening to others talk and enjoying it. The people from Atlantis had lots to say and many of them were anxious to get back to the Pegasus Galaxy.

John started thinking about that but each time he did there was some kind of wall that would come up warning him to stop. He didn't know why and he really didn't want to analyze it right now. He was enjoying himself too much. He knew there would come a time when he'd need to pull it all out but it wasn't today.

Teyla kept her eyes on John all afternoon even though she appeared to be socializing with everyone else. And she was indeed having a very nice time in everyone's company. But she still made sure she was very aware of where John was, who he was talking to and if possible what their conversation was about. She knew they had all been briefed about John's condition and that he still was confused in many instances. They hadn't been given all the information but they had been asked to not correct him on much unless he specifically asked a question. The conversations were to remain as general and vague as possible.

And she could tell that John was having a good time. He was more relaxed than she had seen him in a while though she had worried when they first got here. He had seemed a bit apprehensive when he saw all the vehicles and she thought he might not get out. But Torren had gotten his attention focused elsewhere as usual and he had cautiously made his way to the house. He continued to appear anxious but Ronon had come over and used the distraction tactic as well. And it seemed to be working all afternoon with so many people to keep John from truly thinking too much.

And Torren was having the time of his life as he was the only child here and almost everyone took a turn playing with him or reading to him or doing some other fun activity with him. It had left Teyla free to be with John or at least make sure she was close by. Dr. Marshall thought it would be good for John to be here without any administrative or medical presence, though as it was O'Neill's house obviously he needed to be here. But she had to admit General O'Neill was almost as unorthodox a leader as John.

The afternoon continued on and at one point Teyla lost sight of John though she had seen him go into the house with Torren and Ronon. She knew she could count on Ronon to keep his eye on their friend and she hated to interrupt the conversation she was having with Amelia regarding Mr. Woolsey and all she had overheard about the IOA's decisions.

But when John didn't come back out of the house after a while she went in search of him. Ronon was up on the deck talking to Teal'c and she hated to interrupt but she wanted to find John.

Ronon tilted his chin at her as she walked past and simply said, "O'Neill's bedroom."

Teyla looked puzzled but went inside and sure enough when she peaked in the doorway down the hall from the living room she saw John in a comfortable reclining chair fast asleep with Torren resting against him. Her heart sang at the sight and she again felt guilty that she had yet to tell John that this child was not of his blood. She did not know if she truly had the heart to do it.

Teyla felt a presence at her side and turned to see General O'Neill standing next to her. He immediately put his finger against his lips and winked at her. They both took a few steps back though not far enough that they lost sight of the man and boy sleeping.

"He asked if there was someplace he could try and get the kid to sleep," O'Neill informed her in a soft voice. "I'm not sure if he planned on falling asleep himself but I figured he could use it. I know what he went through took a lot out of him, mentally as well as physically."

Teyla nodded. "Yes, but he has come so far since he first returned. He is able to get around completely on his own and he is not in need of medication any longer. How much longer do you feel he will need to remain in the isolation room under guard?"

O'Neill's mouth twisted sideways and his eyes looked away in thought. "Well, it is coming up on a month since he got back here and Lam says physically he's doing really well. She still wants his weight up a bit more but I think we may have covered that today. He kept sneaking the chocolate chip cookies that Daniel made though I hated to tell him Daniel buys them as premade cookie dough and just sticks them on a cookie sheets and bakes them."

Teyla smiled at the comment but did not speak herself. She was interested in what the general would continue to say.

"I know Hank is still a bit concerned since Sheppard had his few freak outs but it's been a while and it was pretty impressive how he handled himself when he ran into Mayfield. I think that went pretty far in convincing him to allow Sheppard a bit more freedom. I don't think we're quite ready to let him leave the base yet but maybe we could allow him out of the isolation room."

O'Neill's eyes twinkled and he grinned. "There isn't any way I could convince you to allow him to stay with you in your temporary quarters. That way he'd have someone with him all the time but he might not feel so cooped up and imprisoned. We'd probably need to keep a guard nearby in the hallway but honestly we usually have SO's walking the halls all the time anyway. We could just make sure they concentrate in that area more often."

"Would you really do that for him, General O'Neill?" Teyla breathed out hopefully. "I know that would go a long way in helping John feel that he was trusted a bit more. And I would be more than happy to share my quarters with him if you would not feel it improper."

O'Neill's eyes looked up as he grinned. "Who am I to say what's improper? I can have a little conversation with Landry about this. It won't happen tonight but I can make a good case for Sheppard being allowed more freedom. If he keeps going the way he has been lately, I don't see why we couldn't send him back to Atlantis soon. You've got people there to keep an eye out for him in case he needs help. And it's not like he hasn't been in difficult situations before. I know what he just went through was tough but being fed on by a Wraith, I don't imagine that's something you get over too easily either."

Teyla nodded swiftly. "Yes, John was quiet for weeks after that." At O'Neill's raised eyebrow she amended, "More quiet than usual. But he did seem to recover though his physical injuries were not severe like these were. I do believe he will fully recover from this as well though perhaps it will take a bit longer."

O'Neill just nodded. "Sheppard's a tough bastard, yeah, he'll be okay." He patted Teyla on the back and left her to gaze at her son and the man O'Neill was pretty sure she was in love with. He thought about what he had said about Sheppard recovering then he thought about all the times he had gone through tough times. The worst being when Ba'al had continued to torture him, kill him and then bring him back using a sarcophagus. Daniel had been the one to help him that time.

And even though he eventually got away and appeared to be fine, he knew it had taken far longer for his mental healing to be complete. And if he was honest with himself, he knew it still wasn't. Something like that changes a person and makes them think about their life. He knew he still had nightmares on occasion about it and he figured Sheppard would be the same. He didn't envy the man that. He knew exactly how it felt.

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"What did you say to Landry so that he'd allow this?" John asked Teyla as he put some of his clothes away in the dresser of her SGC quarters. Lorne had been kind enough to bring some of his things to him at the party a few days ago.

"It was not my idea, it was General O'Neill's," Teyla replied. "He thought since your physical recovery was coming along nicely perhaps you did not require a stay in the infirmary being constantly monitored by one of the medical staff. He thought perhaps staying here with me would be acceptable so that you were not alone should you need something. I concurred and told him I would be happy to keep watch on you."

John saw the twinkle in Teyla's eyes as she said this. "Keep watch on me, huh?" John chuckled back. "Can I watch you, too?"

Teyla actually blushed. "I think I would like that. Is there any particular thing you would like to watch me do?"

John glanced over at Torren sleeping soundly in the crib that he'd been using for the past month then he looked back at Teyla. She was wearing a snug tank top and short, loose skirt and his mind traveled back to when he had been allowed to take a shower several days ago and what they had done after. Unfortunately there hadn't been an opportunity for a repeat performance but maybe now there was.

John's mouth twisted into a smirk and he suggested, "I sure wouldn't mind seeing you and me doing something like we did after my shower. You wouldn't be interested in that, would you?"

A seductive gleam entered Teyla's eyes and she strolled closer to John. "I would be very interested in that. Let me lower the lights and perhaps we could get started."

John felt himself twitch below the belt and knew he had already gotten started. Just thinking about Teyla got him started. But he watched as she lit a few candles then lowered the lights. Her hips swayed back and forth seductively as she sauntered back toward him. Her arms lifted to rest on his shoulders and she gave him a smile that could only be interpreted one way.

"Hey," John smiled back at her as his own hands rose to pull her closer. "Come here often? Can I buy you a drink? Want to come back to my place for a night cap? I can promise you a good time."

Teyla tried to hold in her laughter but wasn't completely successful. "I have been here fairly often recently but I do not wish for a drink. However I am hoping for a very good time."

John's eyes lit up with delight as his mouth lowered to hers. "I'll do my best, ma'am."

It wasn't long before their kisses became heated, hands wandered and skin was revealed. In the flickering candlelight John and Teyla tuned in to the needs of each other and began the process of fulfilling those needs. Skin became slick and glided fluidly along more skin and soon they fell back onto the bed and began the task of tangling the sheets with their frenzied movements.

Whispered words of longing and need slipped from their busy lips and breathing became deep and throaty. Arms and legs intertwined, private places were visited intimately and the slow trek to the pinnacle was finally reached with moans and whimpers and cries of satisfaction.

As sighs and breathing slowed down, they wrapped themselves in the warm arms of their lover and held tight. John had no doubt this was real and that thought allowed him to slip peacefully into slumber.

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