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Chapter 24
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"I am so looking forward to this time away," Teyla sighed as she leaned back in the seat of Dave's Cessna as they approached the runway on Nantucket to land. "I am pleased that you are finally well enough to be released from the SGC and we were able to take this time at my cottage here."
"Your cottage?" John snorted as he gathered some of the toys and books TJ had played with during their long flight and stuffed them in his bag. Dave and Amy were doing the same thing with their children's toys.
"Yes," Teyla answered suspiciously. "If you allow Rodney to keep the chalet in Aspen then should I not also be allowed to keep the cottage?"
John saw the impish expression she tried to hide but knew he would continue teasing her. "So does that mean Ronon thinks he should keep the place in Hawaii, too? Then I get left with nothing. Coming back from the dead is no fun if all your good stuff has been given away."
Teyla faked a pout then patted his hand. "You know you are always welcome to come with me to the cottage whenever you wish. I will need someone to fly me there and back after all."
John playfully grabbed her around the waist and pulled as close as he could get her with their seat belts on. "Oh, thanks, so you only need me for my flying skills, huh? Nice to know I'm wanted."
Teyla flashed him a sassy look. "Oh, you have many more skills than just flying, John. I believe you have demonstrated those skills quite proficiently the last few weeks."
John's eyes sparkled and his mouth twisted. "Oh, yeah, those skills. Have to keep practicing those skills so they don't get rusty." He heard Dave and Amy chuckle at their conversation.
John thought back to the last week or so since he'd been allowed to stay in Teyla's SGC quarters. He'd woken every morning to the feel of Teyla's soft skin pressed against his and her warmth making him feel safe. It had been great. Especially the times either at night or in the morning when he'd start kissing her lips, her skin, trailing his tongue over her curves and flicking it across her taut nipples that puckered tighter when he did it.
Then his hands would explore every delicious curve and valley and so many times they had ended with him deep inside Teyla, gyrating to the beat of their hearts and spiraling out of control, together. He couldn't wait until they were at the cottage. Dave and Amy would have one of the bedrooms, Scotty, Kristy and TJ would share another and he and Teyla could have one to themselves. Not that he didn't love his son but having him wake up while you were trying to rock your woman really ruined the mood at times.
And they had a whole week where he didn't have to think about anything military or what he'd gone through. Though he knew he was kidding himself if he thought the memories of that would just stay away because he wanted them too. Even with Teyla beside him in bed every night, the nightmares had come and bombarded him full force. He'd wake in a cold sweat his breathing harsh and uneven and his nerves frazzled. The feel of Teyla's arms around him and her soft voice in his ear had been his only saving grace. He'd even spoken with Marshall about it, though mostly to see if he had suggestions on how to make them stay away. Marshall had suggested a few things but had said time would be the biggest factor.
John hated to admit the man had been fairly helpful in getting him to try and sift through what had gone on during his captivity. John had talked about it a bit and remembered some of the harsher parts but he knew he still had so many puzzle pieces that were floating around needing a place to go. Maybe this week, here on this quiet island, he could finally make some sense of all he'd tucked way back in his mind. Maybe he would finally allow himself to do that.
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"I want to thank you again for inviting us to come along on this trip, Teyla," Dave said as he joined her on the porch while John and Amy got the kids ready for bed and a story. And he truly meant that. They had been here several days and it had been more than pleasant. Not only had the kids had a blast playing with each other and in the sand and surf but he and John had been able to reconnect so much more than while he was in the infirmary.
But then Dave knew that John had been walking a tightrope while in there between delusion and reality. He could tell that John was so much better now but there were a still a few questions he needed to ask.
"It was my pleasure, David," Teyla responded sweetly. "John has recovered quite a bit but I still think he needs to be surrounded by those who love him so he feels safe. He still faces his demons each night in his dreams. There is not much I can do now but be near him as the effects of the device have worn off and I no longer share my dreams with him."
Dave nodded but wasn't sure he really understood all about the machine that the evil snake lady made John try and get running. He'd been given some information but he knew there was so much he still had no clue about. He was hoping maybe he could get just a little more right now.
"Teyla, I wanted to ask you something that I've been wondering about for a while now."
Teyla smiled at him and nodded in consent. Dave took a deep breath as he said, "I'm wondering about Torren's father. You've never actually said who he is but quite a few things have made me believe it might be John. And John himself referred to TJ as his son. But it's like no one else knows this. Is this a secret you haven't told anyone?"
Teyla looked back troubled at the house and then gently pulled on Dave's arm to lead him down to the beach. Once they were far enough from the cottage she began to speak.
"Torren's father is a man of my village named Kanaan. We had a very brief interaction and Torren was the result. He made a decision to stay on our planet when we were leaving and I took Torren with me. I did not wish to be separated from him in the event we could not return. As it has been over four and a half months I am thankful I made that decision."
Teyla took a deep breath and continued, "I informed you previously that I had named my child after John due to my trust and respect for him. As you probably surmised it was also because of my deep feelings for him. Only just before we left our galaxy did I realize that John also shared the same feelings for me. Before we came here, John spent much time assisting me with Torren. I believe that during his captivity, John allowed himself to think Torren was truly his son and I have not had the heart to tell him otherwise. I know he will need to know soon but I am unsure if he is emotionally strong enough to do so yet."
Dave nodded and looked at Teyla pensively. "Well, I can see that he cares for that child as much as any father does so I guess I can see where he might be confused. Especially if he spent his three and a half months in captivity thinking that he was. Do you have any plans to tell him?"
"Dr. Marshall seemed to think it might be better to allow John to remember these things on his own. He equated it to other forms of memory loss and I believe he called it disassociative or selective amnesia. He stated that John did not wish to remember because it would cause more pain and he had already been through so much. He also believes that when John returns to Atlantis next week it will perhaps trigger many of his memories to come back. For now I will simply go along with what John is thinking."
Dave looked worried and Teyla touched his arm. "I know that it will be difficult for John when he learns the truth but I have no plans to return to the way things were before all this started. As long as John will have me, I will be by his side, loving him."
Dave smiled and pulled Teyla in for a hug, silently thanking her. Dave knew John could use all the love he could get. He'd have to make sure he let his brother know how much he cared for him too while they were here. And he didn't want to ever go back to the divided life they had before.
A sharp whistle sounded from the house and they both turned to see John standing on the porch with Torren in his arms. He was waving them back to the cottage.
"Torren needs a kiss goodnight," John said as they walked up the few steps to the porch. "And your kids are waiting for theirs too." The last was addressed to Dave. "What were you two doing out here?"
"Just enjoying the last rays of the sun and getting to know Teyla a little better," Dave replied as they walked inside the house.
Teyla slipped one arm around John's waist and lifted her other hand to Torren's, completing the family circle. "I was hoping to persuade Dave and Amy to visit with us again here. It is so beautiful and Torren does so love being with Scotty and Kristy."
John smiled and paused in the doorway. "Thanks, Teyla, it has been a great week so far, hasn't it? We should definitely come here more often."
"And so we shall," Teyla finished and tilted her head up for John's lips to claim hers.
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"Uncle John, are you gonna wead us a story tonight before we go to bed?" Kristy asked as the adults cleaned up from the dinner table and Scotty kept TJ occupied on the floor.
John threw a mock surprised look at his niece and replied, "A story? Now why would you think I'd read you a story?"
Kristy's eyes lit up like sparklers and she giggled, "Because you wead us one every night."
John gave a tiny laugh then reached down to scoop up the little girl. "Then I guess I'll have to read you one tonight too." And he blew a loud, wet kiss onto her cheek. Torren seeing the ruckus and hearing what they were saying pulled himself up and toddled over to John, book in hand.
"Boot, Dada!"
John smiled at the boy and grabbed him for a kiss after he had deposited Kristy back down. "I will, Pal, but we need to do the dishes first, then brush our teeth and then we can do some books. How about you play with your cousins for a little while? Bedtime's not for another hour."
"Tay," TJ chirped and wiggled to get back down to play with his big cousins. John was thrilled that Scotty and Kristy had been so good with him and had kept him busy throughout the week. They had even played and talked to him in the morning while he was still in his crib allowing John and Teyla a few extra minutes of sleep.
As he ran the hot water and began to pass clean dishes to Dave to dry he thought about this week. They only had a few more days until it was over and then he, Teyla and TJ would be going back to Atlantis. He knew he should be ecstatic about that but there was something niggling in the back of his mind that kept him from embracing it completely. He wondered if he was ready to go back and lead the troops.
Though according to everyone he'd talked to there weren't a whole lot of troops to lead. During the last few weeks in between long sessions with Marshall he'd been going through status reports and correspondence regarding everything Stargate related. He'd wanted to get himself up to speed for when they finally let him get back to his job. Only there might not be a job to go back to if the IOA didn't allow them to take the city back to its home galaxy.
He wondered what he'd do then. He thought about their house and how happy they'd been there and again an uncomfortable feeling surfaced. He pushed it back like he always did and reached for another dish.
An hour later he was wrangling three kids who all wanted to sit on his lap, though Scotty wouldn't actually admit it. He just scooted as close to his side as possible. Torren chose another book from a pile that Dave's kids had brought and waddled over, his pajamas bottoms dragging on the floor.
John scooped the boy from the floor and placed him in his lap, the other two still at his sides. He looked at the book and his heart almost stopped. It was one of TJ's favorites and John had read it to him all the time before he was taken. He wasn't sure he could get through it tonight.
Teyla saw John hesitate and moved closer to see what was wrong. When she saw the book and remembered John's strange song while he'd been imprisoned she worried that this might be another trigger to set him off. She grabbed a book from the floor and suggested, "Perhaps another one tonight." but John shook her off.
He looked at the book and took a deep breath. This was a test for him. He needed to do this for himself to see if he could hold onto enough control to get through it. If he couldn't then he didn't think he would be ready to go back to the city just yet. He opened the book and began the chant-like words.
"Today is Monday, Today is Monday. Monday, string beans, all you hungry children, come and eat it up."
His voice was slow and soft but TJ didn't seem to care as he piped up at the end, "Ea up!"
John nodded at Teyla who was standing there with concern written all over her face. Dave and Amy were unaware that anything was amiss. He turned the page and his voice grew slightly in volume.
"Today is Tuesday, Today is Tuesday. Tuesday spaghetti, Monday string beans, all you hungry children come and eat it up."
John let out a huge breath once he'd gotten through the next page. He could do this. He could! It wasn't easy but he was damned if a children's book would cause him to have another freak out especially in front of these kids.
He read through the next few pages and as each page progressed he could feel his strength coming back and his confidence return. It felt good. Just a few more pages and he'd be done and he'd have proven at least a little something to himself. He took another deep breath and finished off the story.
"Come and eat it up, come and eat it up. Come … and … eat … it … up!"
As John said the last line, TJ threw his hands up in the air and collapsed against John's chest almost as if to say he had done it. John couldn't have agreed more. He had gotten through the book and though there had been a few moments where he'd wanted to scream at the memories that had assaulted the back of his eyes and threatened to rip him apart, he hadn't. He had kept that control, the control that he had worked so hard as a child to master. He knew maybe it wasn't always a good thing but today he knew it was. He could take some of that pain and file it away and keep it at bay if he needed to.
But he also knew that Teyla would be there for him when he couldn't. And looking around the room he saw that Dave and Amy were smiling at him, though they had no idea the huge mountain he had just scaled. But he also knew they were here for him too. They were aware of what happened and had let him know he could count on them for support any time he needed it.
Kristy took the book from him and flipped through the pages, muttering under her breath all of the words as she looked at them. TJ stood up and turned around to wrap his arms around John's neck. The thumb went in the mouth and the boy's head rested on John's shoulder. A definite sign it was bedtime.
"Okay, ready to head upstairs," John announced as he stood up, Torren still clinging to his neck. Scotty slipped off the couch to give his Dad and Mom a hug. Kristy took her time finishing the story again then laid it carefully on the couch and lifted her arms for her Dad. John and Dave had gotten in the habit of putting the kids to bed at night and it had become a familiar routine, like the story.
As Teyla approached to give her son a kiss, John's phone went off. He handed the sleepy boy to Teyla and pulled it from his pocket and looked at the caller id. "It's McKay."
He opened the phone to answer as he kissed TJ's head and whispered, "Love you, Pal."
Teyla headed up the stairs as John heard, "Uh, love you too, I guess." in McKay's strangled voice.
"Sorry, Rodney," John apologized. "I was just saying good night to TJ. What's up?"
John walked outside so he didn't disturb the others with his work talk and by the time he came back in Teyla was downstairs again with a curious look on her face.
"What did Rodney need?"
John's face must have looked dumbfounded because Teyla's face grew worried. He gave her a smile and replied, "The IOA finally came to a decision. They're sending her back."
Teyla's face beamed and her eyes grew as wide as her smile. "They are? That is wonderful."
John tried to smile and he knew it was a good decision but again that tiny fear in the back of his mind starting coming closer and he didn't know what to do about it. "Yeah, it's great."
Dave didn't look as pleased. "So this means we go back to being anonymous brothers again?"
John shook his head swiftly. "No, Dave, we won't let it get as bad as it was, I promise. Whenever we get a chance to come back to Earth we'll make it a point to come visit. And we'll e-mail better this time."
Amy still looked shocked. They had confided in her where John had been for five years and where Teyla was from but she still had a hard time getting her head around it. They had kept the info from the kids though as they were too young and couldn't be trusted not to blurt out that Uncle John and Auntie Teyla lived on another planet.
"Do you know when this will happen?" Teyla asked as she came closer to John.
"McKay said maybe as soon as a few weeks. They need to recall all of the troops and they were thinking of trying to fill the city with a few more scientists in some different areas. Rodney wasn't so thrilled with that. He thought it was just more idiots to babysit. His words, not mine. And I guess they want me to fly her back though Carson should be coming along to relieve me at times."
"But we may finish our vacation here first?" Teyla clarified knowing both she and John had enjoyed their time immensely. Plus if they were leaving the galaxy it would be good for John to spend as much time with his brother as possible.
John nodded. "Yeah, we have a few more days here but they do want me back to start running tests on some of the city's systems. Rodney sounded petty but had to admit I could 'read' the city better than anyone else and they needed me to talk to her."
Teyla chuckled softly but knew John did indeed have a connection to the city that no one else seemed to have though perhaps it was simply because he had truly felt at home there for the first time in many years. She hoped he would still feel that way when they returned.
"It will be good to see my people again," Teyla said as she sat down on the couch next to John. "Colonel Ellis was able to inform them of our plight when he traveled there a few months ago. They were grateful that we had thwarted the hive ship and wished for our speedy return. Colonel Ellis did not have the heart to tell them it was possible we would not. He simply told them it could be some time due to repairs."
John just nodded and pulled her close. Amy started asking questions about Teyla's people and John just sat and listened. Dave also had questions and several hours later John finally yawned and called it a night.
"I don't know about you but those kids wore me out in the ocean today. If I'm going to take them to the beach again tomorrow I'll need some rest. Don't feel you need to stop because of me though."
Dave looked at his watch and nodded. "Yeah, it is getting late and I will also admit that the kids wear me out more than is typical at the office. I don't think any of my employees have as much energy as Kristy and Scotty."
John went about shutting off lights and locking up as the others headed up the stairs. He heard them check on the kids first then go into their rooms. He followed up a few minutes later and did his own check of the kids. Dave's kids were in the twin beds and they had gotten a porta crib for TJ. Luckily the boy was so worn out from his days in the sun and surf that he didn't complain about the change in location. But then he was used to that from being at the SGC and also going back and forth to the Athosian village.
As John stood staring at the slumbering child that strange uncomfortable feeling came rushing back and this time he couldn't push it away fast enough. He had been thinking about going back to Pegasus and with that came memories of when they had been there.
He could picture Teyla shortly after she had delivered TJ in the hospital room with him. He had been injured too, rescuing her from Michael. But as he thought of that rescue an image of someone else came creeping in trying to embed itself painfully in his mind. He tried to push it away but it attacked and attacked and he had no defenses against it. John's breath caught in his throat as he finally acknowledged what it was that had made him so nervous and filled with anxiety. It was Kanaan.
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Teyla pulled her pajamas from the drawer and slipped them on knowing John would be coming in soon. It had been wonderful sharing his bed these past few weeks and she knew soon she would need to actually sit and discuss their living arrangements on Atlantis. Once he was back he would quickly figure out that they had not lived there together. She was not looking forward to that conversation as she did not know exactly how John would react. It would soon become apparent and he would most likely recall what their relationship had been prior to his abduction. And then he would realize that Torren was not his biological child.
Teyla pulled the covers down and opened the windows a bit to allow the late summer breeze to freshen the room up then slipped into the soft sheets. After a while she wondered what was keeping John. She had heard him come up the stairs but he still had not come into the room. Perhaps one of the children had woken and he was attempting to get them back to sleep.
She got up to check and saw the door to the children's room open and as she moved closer she could see John standing over Torren's crib just staring down at him. She took a few steps in and he looked up and Teyla could see his ravaged face, his eyes filled with intense pain looking at her with accusation.
"He's not mine," John choked out barely above a whisper. He swallowed a sob as he asked, "Why did you continue to let me think he was mine?"
Teyla's heart broke at the sight of the man she loved in such agony. And she could see it written clearly on his face. She glanced around to make sure the other children were still asleep as she called to him, "John, I am sorry."
John heard Kristy turn over and he knew it wasn't place for this. But then he didn't think any place was the right place to tell him that the child he loved more than life itself and who he had imagined raising was not his flesh and blood. He took one last look at TJ then pushed past Teyla and went down the stairs and out the door.
Teyla knew she could not allow John to go wandering around in his condition and so she made the decision to go after him. Dave and Amy were here and she knew they would handle anything if Torren woke up. She did not even take the time to gather shoes, she simply ran down the stairs as quietly as she could and hoped John had not gotten too far ahead of her.
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John felt his legs carry him down to the beach though he hadn't consciously thought of a location to flee to. And he knew he was running away but the pain that was lancing though his chest and his gut was worse than anything Athena had thrown at him. He'd gladly go back and take a few more Mondays to have TJ be his again.
John's vision grew blurry as he slumped into the sand a few yards from the roaring surf. He could feel something wet on his cheeks and blamed it on the spray of the ocean waves. But he didn't really care what it was, right now all he could think about was TJ, Torren John, his namesake but not his son.
He lowered his head into his hands as all those memories that he had been trying to shove into the recesses of his mind finally roared to life and came flying at him faster than the speed of light.
Teyla telling him she was pregnant and his feelings of betrayal even though he had never told her how he felt. Making sure she was okay during the quarantine by climbing the central tower. Taking her to every market place to try and find information about her people. Going into the future and risking everything to come back and save her from Michael. Being buried alive in the rubble of Michael's compound then sliding off his hospital bed to go and rescue her.
Then the images of Kanaan came. The hybrid who helped them escape. Teyla and Kanaan and Torren being a family around Atlantis. Teyla taking Torren to visit her people on New Athos. Kanaan being on New Athos waiting for them.
He felt her presence behind him and stiffened. He knew Teyla had followed him but he wasn't sure if he could talk to her now. He had thought TJ was his for all this time and she had never said one word. Why?
He could now remember that he and Teyla had never been a couple and that thought hurt just as much as the thought of TJ not being his son. In the span of a few minutes he had just lost his family. How did you deal with something like that?
"John," Teyla's tentative voice drifted his way and he stiffened as she placed her hand on his slumped shoulder. "Please, we must talk. It was not done to hurt you. You must understand how confused you were when we rescued you. It was simply easier to allow you to believe your fantasies had been real at first. You did not seem to think anything was real yet you responded well to Torren and to myself when we visited. Dr. Lam thought it was essential to get your body healed first and then healing your mind would come later."
John ran his hands through his hair then scrubbed his face feeling the wetness more than before. He turned his head slightly and saw Teyla kneeling in the sand next to him, her hand still on his shoulder. "All this time I thought TJ was mine. I thought I had a son. Did you sleep with me to help me get better, too? I thought you and I …"
"There was nothing false about you and I, John," Teyla insisted firmly. "That you must believe."
John's eyes grew intense as he spit out, "What about Kanaan?"
Teyla then realized that perhaps he did not recall their conversation before he came back to Earth. "John, you need to remember when you were packing to come back to this planet. I came to your quarters and we spoke. Do you remember what we said?"
John paused and his mind drifted to that time. He had warned her to leave and take TJ and Kanaan. She had said … His eyes rose swiftly to meet hers. "You said you and Kanaan weren't together. I told you we'd talk about it as soon as I got back."
Teyla nodded tearfully. "Yes, but you did not return. I mourned your loss all the while feeling your presence beside me in my bed, in my shower, many times during the day. It was all I had of you and I cherished every moment of it. The dreams you had during your imprisonment were mine as well as yours. They were what I wished and what I escaped to when real life became too painful. You were not the only one who created a much better life than what we had."
Teyla's voice was now cracking and she felt tears run down her cheeks to match those on John's face. "When you returned, I allowed you to believe that your dreams had been real because I wished them to be so. I hoped that when you fully recovered we could have the life that we both dreamed of. I was being selfish, I know, but it made you feel safe and calm and I would do anything to keep you from the anxiety and fear you were obviously feeling."
John narrowed his eyes and the confused expression he had worn so often in his first weeks back reappeared. "Wait, TJ was calling me Dada. He never did that before I left. How is that possible?"
Teyla caressed his shoulder. "As I said before, because Torren also has Wraith DNA he was exposed to some of the dreams as well. Before you left you were an integral part of his life and so when the dreams continued he did not forget you but rather continued and enhanced your relationship. Perhaps you were the one to create the familial bond between you, however Torren felt it strongly too and I believe he had as much to do with keeping it alive in our shared dreams as you did."
"But I'm not his Dad," John rasped and in the moonlight Teyla could see more moisture gather in his eyes. It pained her to see him so distressed.
"Torren may not be of your flesh and blood but in many other ways he is indeed your child. Even before you knew Kanaan and I were not a couple you gave Torren love and attention and showed how much you cared for him. He is just a child yet he could see and feel your love for him. He can still see and feel it. You have certainly played the role of parent and I hope you continue to do so."
"I do love him, Teyla," John whispered and bent his head to touch hers. "I can't imagine not having him in my life. But when we get back to Pegasus …"
"Nothing will change between Kanaan and I, John. He has chosen to live with our people on New Athos and so I will bring Torren to see him when it is convenient for him. And I am hopeful that you will help me parent him while in the city."
John raised his eyes and lifted his hand to touch the side of her face. "And you want us to do this together, you and me? This … what we feel for each other … wasn't just part of a dream, right?"
Teyla touched her lips briefly to his. "I would not have continued our intimacy if I did not have deep feelings for you. I learned from my brief night with Kanaan that some things are not meant to be. I truly believe that you and I are. I am hoping that you feel the same."
John straightened up realizing that he had never really told Teyla how he felt. He certainly had never said it before they got to Earth. He had just found out that Kanaan wasn't involved with Teyla and after his capture and rescue he had been too much of a basket case to really even think about it. Plus, he thought she had known by their dreams.
"Teyla, I owe you so much. You don't even realize how much. You saved my life, you saved me. It was you I thought about whenever Medusa started whipping me. It was you I escaped to when I was beaten or shocked or stripped down and degraded. You were always there in the back of my mind calling out to me. Whenever I thought I couldn't go on any longer, I swear I could hear your voice telling me to hold on. And I did. But only because of you."
Teyla knew the tears were now running down her face at John's admission of what had been done to him and how deeply he had relied on her. "You are strong, John, and I know you would have remained strong even had I not been there. But I am glad I was. I will always be here for you if you so wish it. You need only ask and I will do what I am able. I will stay by your side for as long as you need me."
John thought for a few minutes as he and Teyla held each other in the warm summer breeze. "Would you stay here on Earth if I asked you to? Live in that little house we had down the street from the park? We could take TJ there every day and play on the slides and swings."
Teyla looked curiously at him. "Is this what you truly wish, John? If it is then yes, we will stay. I would miss my people but for many months now I have resigned myself to not seeing them again and though it was sad, I knew my true family was here with you and Torren. I need no one else."
"Wow," John exclaimed at Teyla's statement. "You'd really just stay here and hang out with me?"
"I had several opportunities to go back on the Apollo or the Daedalus but chose to stay here for the time being. First, because it was here that I felt closest to you and needed to keep that bond with me for a while. After you were rescued it was never an option to go back without you. I need you in my life as you needed me to get you through your daily torture. My love for you is not conditional, John."
"Your love for me," John repeated and knew he should let her know how he felt too. He really sucked at this displaying emotions thing, though. But Teyla just said she would actually stay here on Earth with him if he asked. He hadn't really asked, not really. But now he thought about what he really wanted. Did he want to stay here and play house with Teyla and TJ or did he want to go back to kicking Wraith ass in Pegasus?
If they stayed here then Torren would only know him as father and he would never have to worry about Kanaan muscling his way in. But that really sucked for Kanaan and he had a right to see his child too if he could. John didn't have the right to take that away from him. He had just felt bereft when he remembered that TJ wasn't his. He couldn't even imagine what Kanaan was feeling not knowing if he would ever see his son again.
But he still hadn't made any moves to tell Teyla what he felt and he knew she had a right to know that too. They'd spent the last few weeks sleeping together. But in his dreams he had told her. Why were things so much easier in dreams?
"Teyla," he began clearing his throat. "I don't think we should stay here. I think we need to go back with the city to Pegasus. As much as I loved the little life we had in our fantasy world, that's exactly what it was, a fantasy. And I need to know that you and TJ are my reality. I love you both very much and want you to be with me always."
Teyla gave him a beautiful smile that told him she was pleased with his decision. But had she heard his words of love? Okay, maybe he'd lumped them in with his feelings for TJ but somehow it was always easier to say the words to or about a child.
John pulled her to him and kissed her smiling lips. "I love you, Teyla. I don't know why I never said anything before. Maybe I didn't want to ruin things between us. I have a habit of doing that with women. But I don't want to do that with you. I'm not sure exactly how to keep from being stupid though and messing up."
"We will traverse that path when we come to it. For now we will continue to give each other love and support and I think you will find that with enough of each, there is no obstacle we cannot overcome, together. You must believe, John. And I believe also."
John kissed her again then quipped, "I believe that you'll probably kick my ass if I ever screw up and you'll let me know in no uncertain terms what I did wrong. And with the bruises to remind me, I'll never do it again."
Teyla tilted her head in acknowledgement but her mouth twitched in amusement. "Good, you understand me. We will do just fine."
John gazed at this woman who meant so much to him and who had gone through so much and given up so much just to be with him. He knew he'd do everything he possibly could to keep her by his side always and happy. Now he wanted to make her happy and he thought he knew just the way.
He deepened the kisses and leaned back until he was lying in the sand and Teyla was prone on his chest. She didn't seem to mind so he got his hands involved and pretty soon they had set a blaze on the sand as clothes flew and skin slid across skin. Breathing grew harsh and heartbeats sped up. And their bodies moved to the rhythm of their hearts until they soared together and floated back to the sandy soil underneath them.
John rested on his side gazing at the rapturous face of the woman he loved. He knew they would have some obstacles to overcome back in the city, where they would live being one of the first. But he hoped there weren't too many more. There was one he thought he had a solution to right now.
"Teyla, we need to talk about where we'll live once we get back to Atlantis."
"My quarters are slightly larger than yours. Perhaps we could stay there if you wish."
"That might do for the short term. But TJ will eventually need more space and honestly I liked not having him staring at us as I tried to make love to you each morning this week. I know you're used to it since your people live in tents but I wouldn't mind getting one of the larger apartments the city has. I've found quite a few, I just haven't advertised them since everyone would be bugging me for one if they knew."
"I will live wherever you wish."
Teyla shivered as a cool wind kicked up and caressed her heated skin. John tucked her to his side and said, "You know if we're gonna live together maybe we should do it properly."
Teyla looked amused. "Is there an improper way to live together?"
"The proper way …" John wrinkled his nose at her jest, "is to be married. So will you … marry me? I know there're a million guys out there better than me but I'm kind of hoping you'll settle."
Teyla simply closed her eyes and grinned. "I would be honored to marry you, John. And it would not be settling if you are the one who holds my heart. And you are."
John just stared at her beautiful face as she told him yes. He wasn't sure what he even expected, that she would laugh in his face. But now that he'd put that out there he needed to follow through.
"Okay, well I know it's kind of sudden but how about if we see about getting married before we go back to Atlantis. I don't really want a big hoopla. I had that with my first marriage. Can we do it quiet and simple?"
"An Athosian wedding is usually quiet and simple so I think that would be perfect. Does your world not require some form of legal document for this?"
John scowled knowing Teyla had no legal documentation and it would be difficult for them to do this. But he knew people who could probably make it happen. He would call O'Neill tomorrow. He'd seen the way the general had looked at Carter. He thought he might have a compassionate nature when it came to this type of thing.
"I think I know someone who can cut through some of the red tape. I'll give him a call tomorrow. For right now I was thinking I need to show you exactly how I feel about you. I know I actually said it but I've always been a hands-on kind of guy."
Teyla felt her body begin to react again to John touching her skin and she sighed. "Yes, hands-on, that is exactly the type of man I like."
.