Chapter Twenty

Donna and Nicholas were allowed out of the hospital just later the next day. And, once again, the whole cavalry came to bring them home. Now, everyone has settled themselves comfortably around Donna's apartment, each busy in various conversations and activities.

Harvey was currently cooing with Mike and Louis over Nicholas. Louis had insisted that he never had time with the baby and wanted to hold him but since Harvey didn't trust him enough with his son, he was insistent that Louis can only hold Nicholas if he was in the immediate vicinity. However, due to the fact that Harvey hated standing next to Louis, Mike has assigned as the middle man, he would hold Nicholas with Louis and Harvey on either side.

Donna found the whole situation hilarious and was laughing about it with Rachel and Jessica, as they discussed various topics on her sofa. Sammy had been unable to make it due to a play, but Donna knew he'd been avoiding a bit until her and Harvey gets things sorted out. Her friend hadn't wanted to intrude any more than he had to, which Donna assured him he wasn't; but he had been insistent.

As the snacks on the coffee table diminished, Donna stood to fill them back up only to be followed closely by Rachel to the kitchen.

..::..

Seeing Donna enter the kitchen with Rachel, Mike turned to Harvey, "So, what are you going to do? Ask Donna to marry you?"

Harvey looked at him, "That is none of your business, pup."

Louis, while playing with Nicholas suddenly spoke up, "You're an idiot, Harvey. A woman like Donna Paulsen does not come around that often, and now that you've actually fooled her into having your kid, isn't marrying her the only thing to do?"

Harvey looked at both of them, "I will not stand here and accept advice from a twelve year old and whatever you are, Louis!" He looked at Jessica, who was staring at them from the sofa, "A little help?"

Jessica shrugged at Harvey, "I'm on their side, Harvey. I think you and Donna need to fix yourselves; and the sooner the better."

Harvey rolled his eyes, "What I decide to do is really not up for discussion right now." He carefully took Nicholas from Mike's arms and said, "Now, I think this little guy is hungry. Excuse us."

..::..

"So," Rachel began as they entered the kitchen, "how are you feeling?"

Donna sighed, "Exhausted; having a baby can really take it out of you."

Rachel looked at her pointedly, "You know that's not what I mean, but, good job on all that!"

Donna smiled, "Thank you, it's nice to be appreciated. And honestly, I don't know. I don't know how to explain everything to Harvey in a way that will make him understand what happened."

"Just tell him the truth," Rachel said. "That you were jealous of Zoe in the beginning and then the rest of the stuff was just pure bad luck!"

Donna shook her head, "Maybe, I don't know. I don't know."

"Look, I think whatever you say, he's going to understand," Rachel replied.

"Why?" Donna questioned, "Because he has to? Because of Nicholas? Because it's expected of him? That's not what I want, Rachel."

The younger woman nodded, completely understanding Donna's apprehension. "Well, whatever you guys decide, it will have to be soon," she said.

Before Donna could respond, the door to the kitchen swung open and Harvey walked in carrying Nicholas. "I think he's hungry, Donna," he said aloud.

"Oh," Donna said stretching her arms, "hand him here."

Rachel took that as her (and the others) cue to leave, so she spoke up, "I think I'm going to gather the troop and get on out of here, after all, that precious little guy is probably going to sleep after his meal."

"You guys don't have to go, yet," Donna said at the exact same time that Harvey blurted, "Yes, that sounds like a good idea, Rachel."

Donna and Harvey looked at each other while Rachel looked at the two of them.

"You're asking them to leave, Harvey?" Donna finally spoke.

"She just offered to leave, Donna," Harvey replied. "Did you not hear?"

"Yes, but its rude to agree to let your guests leave so abruptly," Donna replied hastily. "They are our friends."

Harvey looked at her, "Right. Well, number one, Louis is not our friend. And if they stay any longer, I'm pretty sure Mike is going to claim your armchair and sleep over."

Rachel shook her head and looked at Donna, raising her eyebrow slightly, "We're going to go. It's getting late and you guys have a lot to care of…with Nicholas. It is your first night with him."

Donna sighed but finally nodded her head, following Rachel and Harvey out of the kitchen in order to properly send everyone home.

..::..

Fifteen minutes later, it was only Donna and Harvey left. Donna made a move to enter her bedroom. "I'm just going to feed him, I'll be right back," she said.

"I'll make myself at home," Harvey replied, settling down on her couch and pouring himself a glass of water.

Donna took Nicholas and fed him. She rocked him to sleep and placed him gently on his crib with a kiss to his forehead. She then proceeded to pace around in her room, fixing little knick knacks on her dresser, and rearranging the pillows on her bed; all in the hope that Harvey would just fall asleep again and they could postpone this talk. She wasn't sure she was ready.

Half an hour later, she knew it was way too long already. She finally got the courage to open her bedroom door to find Harvey staring expectantly at her. She crossed the room, placing the baby monitor on the coffee table (she had bought one even though you could hear the baby's cry from anywhere in her apartment), and decided to just stand.

She readied herself for what was about to happen and just looked at Harvey, waiting for him to start.

Harvey looked at her, she had taken her sweet time coming back out, which was good because he needed to fully decide how he wanted this night to end anyways. Now, she was just standing in front of him; hair a bit messy, simple white shirt and blue denims, no socks with her toenails painted a bright colour of pink—Harvey thought she looked like a goddess, they say that pregnant women glow, but to him, she was definitely still glowing. He stood up from his placement on the couch, loosened his tie and tossed his jacket on the chair. Finally he spoke, "Why?"

At first Donna didn't even realize he had spoken because his voice had been barely above a whisper. But she didn't really know what he was asking, so she repeated, "Why…"

"Yes," he nodded his head vehemently. "Why, Donna? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you hire your gay best friend to play your boyfriend? Why did everyone else seem to know before me? Why?!"

His voice was still very low, probably because of Nicholas, but Donna could clearly detect the anger, hurt and pain that they possessed. She swallowed the lump that had formed on her throat, "I tried to tell you, Harvey. I tried to tell you from the very beginning. You're the one…"

"I'm the one?" Harvey cried out, "You could've corrected me! What would've been so hard about that? It's easy, listen: 'No, Harvey, you're the father'." He paused and snapped his fingers, "Oh wait, that's right, it would've been hard because you had a fake boyfriend you introduced me to!"

Donna sighed, "That was only because you and Zoe…"

"Zoe!" Harvey said, his voice rising a little. "Nothing happened between me and..."

"Lower you voice," Donna hissed. "And will you let me finish? You asked for my help to date her because you wanted to have a baby, with her!" She paused, and looked away from Harvey. "The reason I told you I was seeing someone was because—was because she called…the morning after we –"

Harvey threw up his hands in frustration. "She called? Oh, and that's another thing you failed to tell me? How many other calls of mine did you not tell me about? And so what if she called? People call me all the time, you should know that."

Donna looked at Harvey, hurt and angry at the fact that he was not getting the point of what she was saying and that he was interrupting her again! "You don't get it, do you?" she said. "How did you think that made me feel, Harvey? That after what happened between us, I would have to see a phone call from the girl you had been actively pursuing to be the mother of your children? So, I deleted her call. I'm not apologizing for that." Her voice softened, "But I am sorry for lying to you about Sammy, that was my mistake and I shouldn't have let it escalate so far."

Harvey closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "But you had me believe it was his kid you were having, why would you do that? Why not just simply tell me I was wrong?"

Donna looked at him, incredulous, "I'm sorry, but I seem to remember you insulting me that day pretty badly; you didn't leave me any room to actually correct you. And frankly, I think you'd understand why I didn't really want to speak to you after what you said." She paused, letting her words sink in. "And then after, it was just one bad thing after another; some of it was actually just ridiculous. I wanted to tell you, you have to believe that. But, I do admit, maybe I was apprehensive. I was scared, Harvey. I was terrified of what was going to happen after I told you."

"I would've done the right thing!" Harvey replied, looking at her intensely.

She sighed, her voice low when she answered, "That's what I was afraid of."

"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" he asked, confused.

"You have to realize, at this point, I thought you wanted Zoe," she began to explain. "So, what would've been the right thing to do? Pick me over her because you'd had knocked me up? Will the right thing involve you just being with me because of that? I didn't want that, Harvey…" He looked ready to interrupt so she held up her hand, "Let me finish. And the only other option was that you would do the 'wrong' thing, which would be to pick her. I didn't know which was worse, Harvey; that you would choose me only because you had to or that you wouldn't choose me at all."

The silence between them after her words was deafening. But Donna didn't falter, she was staring Harvey right in the eye, her gaze unwavering. Finally he spoke, taking one step closer, "I would choose you for you. I don't know why you would think otherwise. I've told you that I needed you, that I can't be me without you…"

"Yes, I know," Donna answered. "But you wanted her."

"Because you told me that you weren't in love me; that you love me like a brother…or a cousin," he countered. "You were very adamant about that statement."

She looked at him, "What do you want me to say now, Harvey?"

"That you didn't mean it," he replied easily.

Donna sighed and shook her head, her tone dismissive and tired, "Harvey…"

"No," he exclaimed. "You don't get to do that today. You don't get to just sweep this one under rug. I think our rug has an army of dust bunnies underneath it already. And they're fighting to get out." Harvey took another step closer but Donna was standing her ground, so he continued, "I've let you do that one time too many. I let you off the hook every time because I never want to push, I never want to make you uncomfortable, or let you do anything you don't want to do. Because I'm afraid, Donna, I get scared, too, when it comes to you; and it seems I'm right again in this instance."

"What are you saying, Harvey?" she pressed.

"I lost you once, and I know I can't do that again. I always let you draw the line because maybe if I don't…I don't know what will happen," he replied. "I just want us to be honest, Donna. Now, more than ever."

He saw her nodding her head, albeit tentatively and with apprehension. So Harvey continued, "I'll start." He took a deep breath and took another step closer. "That other time, when you told me…" He saw her nodding her head, understanding and accepting what he's saying. "I let you let me walk away that time because I knew I wasn't ready. I was still very much afraid of losing you but I wasn't ready to risk everything, and I'm sorry for that."

"My dad always said," Harvey continued, "there will come a moment when I'll just know when I want to put all my chips in the pot even when I can't see or read my opponent's face, but I would do it and I would risk it all, because there will be nothing else in the world I would want to do." He laughed softly, "Granted, I never thought that moment would come when I was high of some cheap marijuana, but as usual Gordon Specter was right."

He sighed and looked at her, he couldn't quite read her expression but she was allowing him to finish (a courtesy he's been accused of never giving her). "That night at the office, when I asked for you 'help'; I'd been staring at your reflection in the window as you moved around and packed everything in that closet of an office. I could hear my dad's voice in my head, and I knew what I wanted but I thought I'd already missed my chance to put my bet in since you told me you weren't in love me. So, I did the one thing I don't like more than Louis, I settled." He shrugged.

"But that night, I knew I couldn't let it go and I had to risk it. Just being with you, it made me think. And when I was walking down the stupid hallway of this building for the second time, when I knew I would rather be in here with you…," he continued. "So, I came back and you opened that door, I knew you were about to say something so I stopped you with a kiss. I thought you would slap me actually, but then you started to kiss me back and…and I was happy. I wasn't meaning for that to be just a one-time thing, Donna."

He was so close to her now that Donna was sure he could hear the heart beating so hard in her chest; or maybe it was his heart she was hearing. But he was still talking and now he was holding their hands together between them.

"Now," he began, "I want to make this clear. I'm not just saying this because of Nicholas, who is just the most perfect being in the world; I guess he really takes after us, huh?" He laughed softly and squeezed her hand a little. "I'm not just telling you all this because I'm trying to fulfill some sort of late request of my father's, who basically told me I should do all this that first night I introduced you to him. I'm also not saying it because it's expected of me or it's the right or wrong thing to do. I don't even know. Or that I feel guilty or that it's because…I don't know. Just add in any other irrational reasons you can think of and they'd all be wrong."

He looked at her now, deep into her eyes. "I'm doing this because it's you and it's me. And I don't know how to live in a world where it's not you and me. And I want you and me; you, me, and Nicholas. I am sorry for the lousy timing and for taking this long to say this but I love you. I do." A beat. "I'm in love with you, Donna."

"And I think that's something I've known for a while but I've never been able to say for a lot of reasons," he continued. "I get why you might think it's convenient now for me to say it but whether or not that's the case, and it's not, nothing can make it any less true. I do love you."

Harvey could see that her eyes were watery, her tears threatening to spill over but she didn't let them. He didn't know how he looked, but he felt like a mess. He still held her hands tightly in his, not willing to let go – always unwilling to let go when it comes to her.

Donna stared back at him, she knew without a doubt that he meant those words with all of his heart and she's never been happier to hear anything in her life. But she had to say her piece, too. So, she detached her hands from his and as soon as she did, she missed the warmth of his touch; and she saw the hurt and confusion in his eyes. But she needed to explain to him and she needed to do it on her terms, too.

Harvey didn't understand why she disconnected from his touch and he felt his world go dim as she took a careful step back.

Suddenly, a loud cry pierced the air and they both turned to the baby monitor. "He's probably hungry or needs to be changed," Donna said, "I'm going to go do that." She moved to enter her bedroom and lightly closed the door behind her.

Harvey wasn't about to argue with that but he couldn't get over the fact that she had let go of his hand before than interruption. It wasn't Nicholas' cries that stopped her, she pushed away on her own; and he couldn't understand why. He sank back down onto her sofa and noticed his phone on the table, the message light blinking violently.

He picked it up. It was several messages from clients and acquaintances; also one from Mike. At the sight of his young associate's name, Harvey couldn't help but think of his words earlier that evening (or in this case, the night before, since it was closer to two in the morning): 'So, what are you going to do? Ask Donna to marry you?'

Harvey shook his head and closed his eyes. Opening them again, he noted the closed door of her room and the lingering feeling, that tingling sensation in his hand as she let hers slip out of his grasp; and it was all clouding his vision. Suddenly, he remembered something and hastily located his discarded grey suit jacket, and picked it up from its hanging position on the chair.

..::..

Harvey entered his office abruptly, his eyes on the floor; which is why he almost staggered forward when he heard her voice, "How did we beat you here?"

If it wasn't such a serious situation, she might've laughed at the mixture of surprise and confusion on his face. He remained quiet, though, so she decided to explain, "I called Ray; I didn't think I was ready to let Nicholas take a cab; or that I even would take one at this hour."

Harvey still hadn't processed her presence here in his office but at the mention of Nicholas' name, he saw his son fast asleep on the car seat placed carefully on his leather couch.

He took a deep breath and looked at Donna, who had stood up and was approaching him. "What were you thinking in leaving? I walk back out of my room and you were gone! What the hell, Harvey?"

She was looking at him expectantly and he just stood there, staring at her. She sighed and continued, "You do realize I hadn't said my piece yet, right? Or were you that disinterested? Because after everything you said, I thought you'd want a response," she said, all in one breath.

She studied his features, unmoving, after he'd glanced at Nicholas and she had started speaking. This must've been how she looked when he was talking in her apartment.

"I do," he said, "I do want a response. It's just I had…"

"What?" she interrupted. "You suddenly had pressing matters in the office at two o'clock in the morning?"

"You let go of my hand," he said softly, staring her right in the eyes.

She nodded. "Yes, I did, because I needed to say my part, too." She paused, "And this time, no interruptions." He nodded.

"First of, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not telling you about Nicholas. You have to believe that I wanted you to know. I was stupid for pretending with Sammy; figures the one mistake I make in my life has to do with me going crazy over you."

She began to walk towards the windows, her back facing Harvey. "I'm also sorry for always drawing the line between us. It's just…you have to know that I can't be me without you either. We're a team; we have been for a while. And the feelings, I'd buried them for so long, I just thought they would go away eventually. But that didn't happen."

She faced him now. "During that trial run, I'd never felt more mortified. Louis was making sense for the first time in his life, but I also had so much anger for you. When I told you I wasn't in love you on the street, I actually wasn't." Harvey's face when she said that became unreadable so she quickly explained, "But two seconds later, you were telling me you wanted me back and I can't help it when it comes to you. Again, Louis is right, I would do anything for you."

"Saying yes to helping you with Zoe was really hard for me," she continued. "Because you were finally figuring out your life and it wasn't with me. But I was willing to do it because I figured, at least one of us should be happy. But then, two weeks later, you were kissing me and…"

She swallowed. "Rachel had asked me once why we never…And I told her it was because 'we can never go back' and it's only now that I realize that the reason actually is that I wouldn't ever want to go back. I wouldn't want to give it up; I wouldn't want to give you up. And we were never ready for all that before. But now…" She paused dramatically and gazed at him, he was already smiling, too.

"I love you, too, Harvey," she finally said. "And that confession comes with the same disclaimers as yours and adding on the fact that I'm not just saying it because you said it first."

She stepped closer to him, her eyes never leaving his. She grabbed his hands as she moved closer and leaned up to press her lips upon his own. And then he was kissing her, all inhibitions and insecurities gone and Donna felt like she was in heaven. When they pulled apart, they were both gasping for breath. "As much as I would like that to continue," Donna said, "we did just have a baby."

"Fair enough," he said, laughing. "God, I love you."

She smiled, "And you're lucky I love you too, even if you did ran away earlier. I mean, who makes a declaration of love and commitment only to disappear abruptly right after?"

Harvey sighed and looked around the room. "I lost something," he said pathetically.

Donna raised an eyebrow, "More important than what you could've lost?" And with that she indicated herself and Nicholas.

He looked at her sideways, "Donna…" His eyes fell on the ground behind her feet but her gaze remained on his.

He smiled, took her hands again and stepped forward. "Donna, I want this. I want us. And I want us to start right now."

She smiled. "We are. We are starting, right now." And she stole other quick peck to his lips.

He took a deep breath, breathing in her scent, "I have three conditions, though."

She laughed, "Really, do you now?"

He nodded. "The first," he started and then leaned in to whisper something in her ear.

Donna smiled wide and said as he faced her again, "I think that can be arranged, in like two to three years."

"Alright, I can agree to that," Harvey said.

"And what's the second condition?" Donna asked curiously.

"Take a step back with your left foot," he simply replied.

"Really?" she asked, "Is that a real condition?" At his enthusiastic nod, she stepped back carefully with her left foot only to feel something under her heel; it was a small leather box.

She turned around and saw that Harvey had knelt on the floor and was carefully picking up the box from the ground. Donna looked from him to the box in his hand and she lamely asked, "And the third?"

He smiled at her, a grin from ear to ear, "Be my wife."

She picked him up from his feet and brought their faces together. "Done," she replied and kissed him passionately. She let her hands grab hold of his hair and he had his firmly around her waist, whilst also still clasping onto the ring box. It was a kiss that they both didn't want to end.

The sprung apart as they heard Nicholas' cries filled his office. They laughed and Harvey ended the kiss with a quick peck on her temple. He watched as Donna walked over to pick up Nicholas from the car seat.

She looked at Harvey then, staring at the two of them. It was just like when they first set foot in this office together, all those years ago, when he told her that they had just made partner.

She sighed happily while she carried Nicholas. "We have our very own baby, Harvey."

He walked closer to the two of them, to his fiancée and his son. Wow. Carefully lifting Donna's left hand from her hold on Nicholas, he placed the ring on her finger with a smile. She leaned up at him and gave him a chaste kiss, and then he nodded his head, "We have a family."