Kakashi had just arrived at the jounin headquarters when the raven swooped down from overhead. It landed on the metal handrail directly next to him, tilting its head in such a way as to give the impression it was summoning him. It was, in a manner of speaking; there was a scroll of paper attached to its leg. Even from where he was standing he could make out the official seal holding it closed.
He closed his eye, as if by doing so the bird would suddenly disappear and he wouldn't have to acknowledge the summons. Wouldn't have to face Tsunade, wouldn't have to have the same painful conversation again. She would ask about trivial matters, skirting around the main issue like she was trying to soften the blow, but in reality it only prolonged his misery. Or maybe she was indirect out of her own fear? Who could say for certain? All he knew was that he wasn't quite up to the task of facing his Hokage that day.
The crow cawed loudly, clearly impatient with his inaction. It wouldn't leave him alone, no matter how far he ran or where he hid. These birds were especially trained to track down the recipient and stay with them until the message was relieved from their leg. He could take the letter and let it be on its way, but what good would that do? Tsunade would only send an ANBU squad to drag him in anyway. He'd be penalized for disobeying (or, more accurately, ignoring) orders, there would be paperwork, and he'd be several hours behind on what he needed to do. It was a disruption he couldn't afford to make, not with Sakura to think about.
No, he couldn't ignore it. As much as he wanted to avoid her questions – avoid facing her completely – it was impossible. Letting out a resigned breath, Kakashi stepped forward and removed the summons from the raven's leg. It gave another cry before unfurling its wings and taking off, quickly fading to nothing more than a dark speck against a bright blue horizon.
The message was simple and direct: report to her office at his earliest convenience. He wondered briefly if "earliest convenience" could be construed as "never" before crumbling the paper up into a tight little wad and lighting it with a quick fire jutsu. The letter went up in a bright burst of red-orange and the wind helped with the rest, carrying away the bits of ash and thin smoke until there was nothing left.
Kakashi was in no hurry to arrive, despite the fact he had other, more important, duties that morning. There was a reason why he'd stopped giving Tsunade regular updates, and it wasn't just because he couldn't stand to see the sad, pained look on her face. He knew she would bring it up again and, just like the last three times she did, the conversation would end in a heated argument. A shouting match with the Hokage was about the last thing he needed right then, but it was inevitable.
As he got closer and closer to the Tower, Kakashi began preparing himself for the battle ahead. He focused on breathing, counting each inhale and exhale as they came, forcing them to remain even. It was not only a form of meditation but an outlet for control – something he felt was slipping through his fingers with each passing day. As long as he could breathe, as long as he could control the physical responses of his body, then everything else would fall into place. At least that was what he kept telling himself. Sometimes an illusion was better than reality.
By the time he was walking through the doors into the main entryway, he was as composed as he could possibly be given the circumstances. He nodded to the ANBU guards stationed on either side of the doorway as he passed by. They reminded him a little of matching bookends the way they stood there, completely immobile. He'd been like that, once upon a time, and wondered if they were as bored as he'd been when on guard duty.
The lobby was empty save for a few clerical sorts bustling by with stacks of documents and charts under their arms. Some of them were obviously civilian; they stood out for their lack of scars. The majority, however, were ninja who were either off the mission roster or who specialized in non-field areas. He spotted Nara Shikaku nodding to whatever a very well dressed man was saying. The clan leader glanced at him as he passed by, but he didn't say anything. No one ever really did, even though he knew they were all probably aware of what was going on. How could they not? It was impossible not to notice when the village's premier medic and top jounin hadn't served in their mutual capacities for the last couple months.
Kakashi waited by the elevators with a small group of kunoichi who were murmuring to themselves about their weekend plans. One of them, judging by her uniform, was a medic-in-training. He very quickly found an interesting spot on the far wall to stare at.
When the doors chimed and opened, the kunoichi stepped onto the elevator. A tall brunette held the door for him, arching her brow inquiringly.
"I'll catch the next one," he replied.
She nodded and the doors slid closed. Kakashi very nearly let out a sigh of relief.
The next elevator that came down was thankfully empty. He got on and repeatedly jammed the button to close the doors, even though he knew that it didn't actually make them move any faster. It went back to that whole illusion thing. The car gave a grinding lurch as it began to slide up the cable, going straight for the top where the Hokage's office was located.
Kakashi watched the floor numbers slide by and hoped this meeting would go quickly. He reminded himself that Tsunade wasn't trying to be hurtful. She loved Sakura just as much as he did and was only acting out of concern. He just didn't agree with her way of handling things, that was all.
The elevator arrived at the top and the doors opened out into the spacious waiting room of the Hokage's office. Several people were there already, some pacing, some sitting, and some glancing at the old wall clock with bored expressions. Kakashi headed toward the twin desks on either side of the door and, after catching Kotetsu's eye, approached the waiting clerk.
For a moment, Kotetsu did nothing more than stare at him. Kakashi was half afraid he was going to ask the question he could tell was lurking just beneath the surface, but instead the jounin nodded and said, "Tsunade-sama's expecting you, Kakashi-san. Just go straight in."
There was a round of grumbled protests from those who had been waiting much longer for their audience with the Hokage, but one glare from Kotetsu shut them up very quickly. If they wanted to get beyond that door, they had to play by his rules.
Grateful that he wouldn't have to wait, Kakashi murmured his thanks before stepping up to the door. Even though he'd been told he could enter, he still knocked anyway. He liked to think it was because he was polite, but deep down he knew it was just another stalling tactic.
"Enter!" the Hokage snapped from the other side.
Kakashi slid a glance at Kotetsu and made a vague gesture with his hand to ask if she'd been drinking. The jounin replied with the barest of head shakes. Great, she was just naturally pissed off. Dealing with an angry, sober Tsunade was a thousand times worse than dealing with her angry and drunk. Shoulders sagging, Kakashi pushed the door open and stepped inside. He shut it after himself, knowing that whatever they said in that office wasn't meant for the general public. Although, if she was as furious as she sounded, it was likely the people outside would hear her anyway.
Tsunade glanced up from the stack of paperwork on her desk as he approached. He bowed respectfully and her scowl deepened further still. "Sit down," she ordered as her attention returned to completing a report.
He debated briefly about declining the invitation, but decided it was in his best interest to humor her. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."
Seconds passed, marked by the ticking of the wall clock, where she continued with her work while he tried to maintain a detached front. Finally, just as the unease was starting to make his palms sweat a bit, Tsunade set her pen aside and leaned back in her chair with a weary sigh.
She studied him, her amber eyes hard and unreadable. He met her gaze with one of polite boredom as he waited for the usual conversation to ensue. Rather than start off with the traditional niceties, however, Tsunade instead tossed a scroll across the desk to him.
Kakashi caught it easily, but didn't bother opening it. He knew by the red seal that it was an A-ranked mission.
Tsunade studied him silently for several seconds before inquiring, "Aren't you going to open it?"
He shook his head.
She sighed irritably before sitting up straighter in her chair, her hands folding together on top of her desk. "Very well then. The mission objective is rather simple, but there are a number of pitfalls that—,"
"Hokage-sama," he tried to interrupt, but she kept going as if he hadn't.
"—will give you troubles. This is a two man operation. I've selected Maito Gai to—,"
Kakashi's jaw tightened under his mask, his fingers curling a little harder into the scroll. "Tsunade-sama."
"—act as your other half. You're to break off the proposed marriage of the Daimyo of Kumo's son to the Daimyo of Iwa's daughter. As you can understand, such a political alliance has our Daimyo feeling—"
"Tsunade." Kakashi never really yelled, but there was definite force in his tone that, when combined with the lack of honorific, finally succeeded in quieting her instructions.
It also served to piss her off even further. Tsunade's eyes flared with barely contained anger as she slammed a palm down on her desk top. "Do not disrespect me in my own office, Hatake!" she snapped. "I'm your Hokage."
"Your rank and the honor associated with it aren't in question here," Kakashi replied quickly, although he wasn't completely able to keep his own frayed temper from registering. "Nor is my loyalty to you and the village. But I can't take this mission."
Her eyes narrowed, the look in them becoming a little more dangerous than he cared for. He was treading on very thin ice right now and had to be mindful of his next words or else he'd more than likely find himself locked up for treason. That wouldn't be good at all, especially for Sakura. The thought of her being left to fend for herself, to try and work through it all alone, was like ice water. It immediately quelled his anger, reminded him of what exactly he was trying to protect.
Kakashi lowered his gaze humbly from hers and bowed his head. "My apologies, Hokage-sama," he murmured.
Tsunade let out a weary sigh and flopped back in her chair again, pinching the bridge of her nose as if to stave off a headache. "I'm not heartless, Kakashi," she explained, her voice softer and more compassionate than before. "But I have an entire village to run. You're my best jounin. I need you back on the active roster. Have needed you for quite some time now. You have no idea how sorely your presence has been missed."
He swallowed heavily, his thumb running along the scroll's seal absently. "There are other jounin, Hokage-sama. Just as skilled as I am."
"None of them have a Sharingan eye. Not all of them are as capable a leader as you are. Only a few have the experience you do," she countered. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was a stalling tactic of hers, one she used to rally herself for delivering unpleasant news. Kakashi waited, body tensed, for the blow to come.
"It's been two months, Kakashi. Two months and Sakura's not shown any signs of improvement. You need to consider the option of—,"
"No," he cut in sharply. "Absolutely not."
"Kakashi, be reasonable. Think of what's best for Sakura," Tsunade cajoled.
Kakashi jerked sharply to his feet, his hand gripping so tightly around the scroll that it caved in beneath his fingers, crinkling irreparably. He paced back and forth in front of her desk as all the emotions her suggestion provoked raged inside him: anger that she would dare suggest that, pain at her inferring that he wasn't considering Sakura's needs, fear that maybe she was right. He hated this sensation, this utter lack of control. Breathe. Control the body, control the mind. He just needed to breathe…
Unfortunately, he couldn't coordinate his lungs and mind, and soon the shallow breaths became ragged as he shook his head emphatically. "Sakura doesn't need to be locked up," he bit out through clenched teeth. "She's not crazy. She just needs time—"
Tsunade's chair scraped on the wooden floor as she stood as well, leveling an unrepentant glare at him. "She's had time, Kakashi. It's been two months and you still can't leave her alone for very long without fearing for her wellbeing. What she needs is professional help. You must consider admitting her for psychiatric evaluation and treatment."
His jaw dropped as she voiced the words she'd been hinting at every time they talked about Sakura's condition. It was so shocking to actually hear her say it that for a long time all he could do was gape at her. But as the words slowly started to filter through his head, the shock began to shift into something he could only label as betrayal. This was the woman who'd taken his wife under her wing, taught her everything she knew. She was like family to Sakura, and here she was trying to institutionalize her.
Kakashi shook his head slowly and said, "How could you suggest that? This is Sakura we're talking about. Do you honestly think being locked up in some sterile room, doped up on medication, is better for her than being with those who love and care about her? Sakura wouldn't ever choose that!"
His voice was starting to rise, but he didn't care. He would not let Tsunade do this to Sakura, not if there was anything he could do to prevent it. The idea of taking Sakura and defecting flitted briefly through his head, but it was there long enough for him to know he'd do it, without a moment's hesitation, if it meant keeping Sakura out of the psyche ward.
Tsunade scowled at him, bracing her hands on her desk as she leaned across it. He could see the tremor in her arms as she struggled to maintain control. "Do you think I want to see that girl institutionalized?" she demanded in a low, angry growl. "She's more family than I've had in decades, Hatake. I will do everything in my power to protect her – the exact same promise you made her three years ago. And if it means ordering you to hand her over, then I'll do it!"
Her words hit him like a fatal blow. He staggered back a step as the room suddenly became very hot, very claustrophobic. Never before, in any battle he'd ever fought, had someone knocked him so completely off his guard. It was a cheap move, one so low even she seemed stunned that she'd said it. Tsunade's eyes widened, her hand rising to cover her mouth as if trying belatedly to stop the words from coming out.
It took him a couple tries before he was able to whisper, "Please. Please." He was begging; he didn't care. Tsunade could, as Hokage, order him to surrender Sakura. He was hoping – praying – that she didn't do that. His eyes were burning as he shook his head pleadingly. "Please. Don't do this."
Tsunade's shoulders curled forward, her eyes closing as she took another centering breath and released it. He heard the chair creak as she sat back down, heard the shuffling of papers on her desk as she went back to work – or searched for commitment papers, he wasn't sure – but all of it seemed distant, like a dream. If she took Sakura from him, he would….
"I'll put a request before the Elders that you remain on personal leave for a little longer," she replied. "I can't guarantee that they'll approve it … but I'll do what I can."
His eyes squeezed shut as relief flooded through him at her verdict. "Thank you, Hokage-sama." It wasn't much, but he'd take it.
"Now get out of my office. I've got work to do – such as reassigning this mission."
Kakashi wasted no time in doing what he was told. He hurried through the waiting room, uncaring that almost everyone was tracking his progress curiously, and disappeared into the first elevator that was available. His fingers gripped the handrail tightly in order to keep from falling to his knees right in the middle of the floor, but it did nothing for the tremors that made their way through his entire body. He had other duties to see to, things he absolutely couldn't shirk if he expected to keep at least one foot in Tsunade's good graces. How he was going to see them through when he was the closest to falling apart he'd ever been, he had no idea. But he needed to do something, needed some kind of reassurance….
His hands were forming seals before he was consciously aware of it and a moment later he disappeared from inside the elevator, leaving behind a cloud of smoke.