Chapter 4 - Stubborn Girl

Carlisle POV

It had only been four days, but watching as Bella struggled to make it through each minute made time move very slowly. She was shaking and crying—begging us to kill her each time we touched her, to just let her die. She writhed in pain like she was burning. The screams, from what I assumed were nightmares, made her throat raw. Every time she dreamed, she screamed Edward's name and reached for him, mistaking anyone near her for him. She begged him not to leave her. Tears rolled down her face and fell from her chin.

It was almost too much for me to take. How could the pain still be so strong? I just didn't understand. Humans had a much shorter memory and a remarkable ability to heal mentally, but it seemed Bella was hurting as much now as she had the day Edward left. With each passing day, the pain became worse. The screaming became worse.

"Edward, wait! Don't leave me! Come back! Please!" she sobbed. She begged, and her heart pounded like she'd been running after him.

It was hard not being able to do anything to help her. Shortly after we arrived in New Hampshire, in one of her rare moments of lucidity, Bella refused the opiate blocker I'd wanted to give to her to help wean her off of the drugs. She had made the decision to go cold turkey, and nothing I'd said would convince her differently. I respected her decision and did all I could to ease her through the withdrawal.

Bella vomited for days. We would clean her up in time for her to do it again. She was dehydrated, but I could only keep the IV in her for short periods of time before she ripped it out. I continued to respect her wish for no meds to combat the withdrawal symptoms but added doses of anti-nausea medicine. The medicine helped her get some much needed rest. It was a decision I had made as a doctor. I had to do what was best for her health.

Bella's moments of clarity were rare. She didn't seem to realize she was with us. She would ask where she was and who we were, but then I saw recognition in her eyes as I held her and wiped her face when she vomited. She cried and mumbled Esme's name when Esme held her close and rocked her through a particularly bad nightmare. Her confusion was very clear. Her throat was raw from crying and being sick, but she never stopped crying for us. It seemed that while she mourned Edward, she also mourned all of us, especially Alice.

Bella surprised me by the inconsistency of her reactions. One minute she was weak and crying, the next she had fits of strength that caught me off guard. She was finally sleeping peacefully, after a long afternoon of vomiting and hysterics, when she threw herself off the bed at my feet.

"Please, just give me one hit. I won't tell anyone. Just one! I'll do anything you want."

Her eyes were sunken in, and her lips were cracked. She looked up at me with pain in her eyes, and I'm sure the same was reflected in my own. I laid her back in her bed and tucked the comforter around her.

I whispered in her ear as I brushed away the hair stuck to her wet face. "Close your eyes, Bella. You're safe."

Esme, Alice, and Rosalie were standing behind me. I heard them come into the room during Bella's outburst.

Alice came over and sat next to Bella. "I'll sit with her for a while."

Esme held my hand. "Come with me. You need a break." I hadn't left Bella in days, and when I looked into Esme's face I realized I needed to step away but couldn't. Bella's legs were restless. I didn't want to leave until she was calmer.

I asked Rosalie to play the piano. The music seemed to calm Bella – until she stopped playing.

Emmett came and sat by Bella's bed shortly after Rosalie finished playing and talked softly to her. I stood back and watched with Alice by my side. It was just a short one-sided conversation with him telling her to be strong, that she would make it through, but his voice agitated her. She abruptly sat up and started yelling at him with wide unseeing eyes.

While staring at him, she screamed, "I hate you," over and over again. She yelled incoherently, but the sentences that got through clearly were virulent. She launched herself at Emmett and pounded her fists into his chest, hitting him over and over again until she was bruised. In her delusions, I think she thought he was Edward. Emmett sat there helplessly, his hands hovering around her body without touching her, and just let her get it all out. She exhausted herself and fell into his arms.

I put her back in bed once again and felt it would be better if everyone gave her some space for a while. I happened to think that her attack on Emmett was a bit cathartic. After the incident, she was calmer for longer than she had ever been.

Jasper and Emmett decided to go hunting. Rosalie and Esme were in the house but stayed away from Bella's room. Neither Alice nor I could bear to leave her side. We sat quietly, not a word passed between us. I took a chance and inserted an IV to rehydrate her and was pleased that she stayed asleep.

Hours passed, and as I sat there monitoring Bella I was unable to avoid rehashing the decisions Edward had made, not only to leave Bella but to love her in the first place. I only now understand just how much those decisions had affected all of our lives.

Bella started getting restless again. I removed the IV and took her hand in mine and squeezed it lightly. She lifted her head, turned over toward us, and looked straight at Alice. It amazed me how surprised she was when she recognized us. It was like she couldn't bring herself to believe we were truly there.

"Alice? Is it really you?

She struggled to sit up, and Alice reached to help her. She was shaking all over, and from the way she rubbed her legs, I could tell they were hurting.

Alice smiled at her and squeezed her hand again. "Yes, Bella, I'm here. Can I get you something?"

Tears pooled in her eyes, and she shook her head. She held Alice's hand, closed her eyes, and let the tears fall.

Bella tried to speak but couldn't. Alice reached over to the nightstand and handed her an unopened bottle of water. Bella's hands shook so violently she could barely hold the bottle, let alone open it. I took it from her and did it for her. She thanked me and drank half of the bottle in one gulp. I was afraid the water hitting her empty stomach would make her vomit, so I grabbed the basin and set it inconspicuously on the bed. Bella looked at it and furrowed her brows.

"How long have I been here?" she asked Alice. Her voice was scratchy and unfamiliar.

"We found you four days ago." Alice continued to hold Bella's hand in both of her small ones, rubbing it with her thumb.

"Bella, I don't understand how you got so bad." I was worried that it was too soon for Alice to bring it up, but Alice continued before I could stop her.

"You died, Bella. You died in Emmett's arms in that horrible place, and Carlisle almost couldn't save you."

Bella's face turned red with rage. She pulled her hand away from Alice and jumped up from the bed even though I knew she was weak. Her face changed expressions so quickly. She was gasping for air and trying to talk but couldn't. She put her hands on her chest; her heart was beating loudly and too fast. She fell to her knees and grabbed her head, pulling her hair.

She growled. "How could you? How could you?"

She was crying hysterically at that point and slapped Alice's hands away when she tried to help her up.

"Leave me alone! Why can't you leave me alone? You left me before and never came back! I needed you so badly, and you left me. You never saw me when I wanted you to see me! I did things hoping you would see and come to me, but you didn't!" she yelled hoarsely through her sore throat. "I wanted nothing more than to be done with this all-consuming pain and you saved me?"

She put her face in her hands and cried. I moved close to help her if she needed it. She didn't look over at me; she looked straight at Alice and choked on her tears. "I had finally accepted that you were gone, that he was gone forever. Why couldn't you let me die?"

Alice knelt next to her, reaching out but not touching her. I could see Alice was upset by Bella's outburst. Alice's expression didn't make a difference to Bella. Her tear-stained cheeks were red with anger.

She pushed herself up, slapped Alice's outreached hands away, and ran from the bedroom, slamming the door hard against the wall. I motioned to Alice to stay, and I followed behind as Bella frantically searched for an escape. She found the door to the deck and flung it open. It was dark out, but she ran, unseeing, out on the deck and down a set of stairs to the yard. It was a cold night, close to freezing. I could see her breath in the cold air as she ran across the yard.

Our house was built in a valley near the bend of the river. The river was about fifty yards away, and she was headed in that direction. I quickly grabbed a blanket from the closet and went after her, afraid she would go into the water. I walked across the grass, my shoes crunching on the frost covered blades. Bella was barefoot.

Bella looked back at the large house lit from within but didn't see me. I stayed in the shadows while she paced close to the shoreline. She raised her head to the moon but made no sound. She bent over in pain and grabbed her chest. She crumpled to the ground, wrapping her bare arms around her knees. I knew she was cold, but it looked more like she was trying to hold herself together.

She shivered and stiffened when she heard me approach, but she just stared at the reflection of the moon on the water.

I threw the blanket over her shoulders. She pulled it tightly around her, tucking it under her feet, and buried her head in her knees.

The moon was full, and the water gently lapped against the stones on the shore. The grass was wet, but I sat next to her, gathering my thoughts. She never looked at me.

I kept my voice soft and quiet, "Alice was right to have us stop you, Bella."

She sighed and said so quietly it was only a breath. "Carlisle."

I continued. "I'm only sorry we didn't intercede sooner."

She shook her head, her words muffled by the blanket. "I wanted to die. Why didn't you let me die?" She took in another deep breath and buried her head more deeply into her knees.

"I can't go on like this." A sob stopped her. "I'm nothing anymore. I have nothing." She lifted her head to angrily swipe away the tears. "I'm so sick of crying. I've been doing it for four years-" she hesitated "-since the day he left me."

Her pain was radiating off her stooped shoulders. "You are not nothing, Bella, and you have us. We'll help you."

She turned her head, still resting on her knees, and looked at me.

She hesitated before asking, "Does he know I'm here?"

I shook my head. "No, but we can call him if you want us to."

She began shaking and started to panic.

"No! He can't see me like this!"

Bella started to hyperventilate. Her eyes were wide, and she couldn't catch her breath.

"Bella- calm down. Just breathe." I reached out my hand and lightly rubbed her back. "Look at me. Take a deep breath. You're okay."

Her eyes lost all focus just as she lost consciousness. I pulled her into my arms and ran for the house.

…3 days later

Bella's recovery wasn't going well. I was baffled by the panic attacks. It was almost as if she didn't want to get better. Even a week later she still displayed the symptoms of severe withdrawal. She wouldn't eat and barely drank. She vomited less often but still writhed with stomach pain and cramping. The continuing nightmares left her screaming and thrashing. The horror of watching her in the grip of her dreams was gut wrenching. Her delusions were also alarming. She would gain lucidity, sit up and converse with us, and then fall into a trance that would follow with her hyperventilating to the point of passing out. I had, on multiple occasions, brought up the topic of a drug that would ease her symptoms, even explaining that many new drug therapies were not addicting, but each time she'd soundly refused.

She was so stubborn. She reminded me so much of Edward. His stubbornness was unrivaled.

As I sat on the couch and researched other options for Bella, I saw Esme coming from Bella's room with a tray of food she had hoped would tempt her. She carried the untouched dishes to the kitchen and shook her head as she walked past me. I heard her cleaning up, and I called her over to me. She sat on the end of the couch and patted her legs. I put my feet up and laid my head in her lap. Her hands gently rubbed my forehead and smoothed away the tension I felt.

"She wouldn't eat anything. She wouldn't even talk to me today."

I shook my head. "Me neither. She sits in the chair staring out the window. I think the seasons could change before her eyes, and she wouldn't react. She threw a bottle at Alice."

Alice was so hurt, but even she couldn't reach Bella. "I have been trying to come up with something all day, and my research just isn't helping me find a solution to help her. If she won't take the medicine we will have to let her work it out."

"She doesn't want to be fixed. I think she truly wants to die, Carlisle."

Bella had said as much, but that was unacceptable to me. She begged me to let her die. Seeing her go through that and not being able to help was horrible. When I added the feelings of responsibility for her condition, I lost focus.

I could have stopped Edward, but I chose, instead, to support my son, right or wrong.

I knew what she needed, and although I hesitated to suggest it, in my heart I knew it was the best option. "I think I should call Edward."

Esme sighed. "I think it's the only hope. He loves her so much, and he is suffering just the same. I've always felt he made the wrong decision, and so did we, as well, for going along with it. They never had an ordinary love."

I agreed with her. Edward thought he was protecting Bella, and in some ways his leaving had. I didn't blame him for Bella's state. There was no way any of us could have ever seen it coming. I, for one, had thought Bella was stronger and expected her to get over Edward. I never expected his leaving to break her the way it had.

I went to pick up the phone, but Alice's hand on mine stopped me. "Don't call him, Carlisle. Bella can't handle it right now. She'll try to run. I see her hurting herself."

I never questioned Alice, but I shook my head as I set the phone down. "She's hurting herself now. She's been here for almost a week, and she hasn't taken one bite of food and barely enough water to keep her alive."

Rosalie had a look of disgust on her face. Her opinion of Bella hadn't changed, even after four years. She sat in the chair closest to Esme and turned her head away from us, her eyes narrowed and her mouth set in a scowl as Alice continued.

"How is she this morning? I haven't checked on her. I got a water bottle thrown at me the last time I entered the room."

Bella ignored everyone, but when it came to Alice, she violently expressed her displeasure, screaming at her to leave.

Esme answered her. "She's not doing well at all. She did get up for a while this morning and sat in the chair, but when I took some soup in to her a minute ago she was back in bed and wouldn't acknowledge me. She stared right through me like I wasn't there. Carlisle and I feel she's giving up." She shook her head slowly and let out a deep sigh. "She told Carlisle she wants to die."

Rosalie jumped up from the chair and stalked toward the door to Bella's room. "This is fucking ridiculous."

I tried to stop her, but she shrugged my hand off.

"Just let me shake her up."

I let her go and waited to see what would happen. I knew Rosalie wouldn't hurt her, and maybe Bella needed to be shaken up. I followed her, as did Alice and Esme.

Rosalie pushed the door open, and it slammed hard against the wall. I saw over her shoulder that Bella didn't even flinch.

Rosalie stood over her bed. "Are you just going to lay there?"

Bella wouldn't meet her eyes. She just stared at the wall beyond Rosalie with a blank, unblinking look on her face.

"I've had it, Little Girl." She threw the covers off a limp Bella and hauled her out of the bed. She stood her up and pulled her into the bathroom. I saw Bella struggling a bit, and I heard the shower turn on. I went back into the living room to give Bella some privacy. I had a small laugh though, when I heard the outraged, high-pitched screams coming from Bella.

Esme looked at me with wide eyes. "She must not have turned the hot water on."

The screaming continued. I could hear Bella cursing Rosalie to hell, and Rosalie cursing Bella right back. I heard things falling in the shower, and I could tell Bella was putting up a fight. I shook my head at the situation. Only time would tell if Rosalie's methods were better than what I'd come up with.

xoxoxo

Thank you so much for reading! Your reviews mean so much to me. I have to thank Jessypt for her fabulous help in cleaning up my words. Thanks!

Many have asked when Edward will come. Don't you worry- He'll be here when Bella's ready.

Needless to say Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I only own the plot and a brand spanking new laptop that doesn't overheat!