Chapter 5- Cold Shower

Bella POV

Damn, Rosalie. I finally gave up fighting her, pushed my hair out of my eyes, and just sat there on the floor of the shower. It was either that or she was going to drown me. I was deep in my thoughts when she slammed into my room. Rosalie had not bothered to even try talking to me, not that I would have said a word to her of all people.

I was shocked when she snatched me out of bed. I had no strength in my legs and had no choice but to go, when she dragged into the bathroom. I lost it when she tossed me in the shower, clothing and all, and turned on the cold water. My piercing scream echoed though the bathroom.

I surprised Rosalie by grabbing her hair and pulling her off balance. She slipped on the wet tiles and fell on top of me, right under the spray. I fought tooth and nail, as if it would have mattered; she was so much stronger than me. There was really no hope for me, but seeing her struggling to find her footing on the wet floor, dripping wet with her usually impeccable hair hanging across her face and shoulders in tangles, was worth every ounce of the fight. She stood above me with her arms akimbo, her fists clenched tight, and glared at me as I laughed at her from the floor of the shower. It was the first time I had laughed in months.

Leave it to Rosalie to be the one to amuse me.

I saw Alice come in the door with a stack of clean clothes in her arms, setting them on the vanity. Rosalie stomped out of the room, pushing past her as her right shoe squished with each step. She snarled a promise to be back. I stood up on shaky legs and turned my head away from Alice – refusing to acknowledge her presence. I stripped my wet clothes off and adjusted the temperature of the water. I felt such extreme anger toward Alice. I really couldn't even wrap my head around it.

If she hadn't seen me, I wouldn't be suffering right now.

I leaned my head back into the stream and let the water run through my hair, rolling my head in circles to loosen the sore muscles of my neck. It felt so good. My bones and muscles ached so much, but the water soothed the physical aches away. I leaned forward, rested my forehead against the cool tiles of the shower wall, and let the hot water massage my back. I wanted so badly to take the comfort that the Cullens were offering, but the need to protect my heart was foremost in my mind. The hole in my chest still hadn't healed. It gaped wide open, and the jagged edges oozed with the tremendous pain I was feeling at seeing them again. I allowed a memory of Edward's smiling face to break through my mental wall, and I sank back to the floor of the shower in despair.

As much as I'd tried, I couldn't recover from losing him, and I knew I never would. Edward was the missing piece of my soul with his absence from my life; I was a shell of nothing.

I heard a noise in the bathroom and knew that Rosalie was back. Her snarling voice told me clearly how mad she was.

"Get out of the shower, Bella, and get dressed. You have ten minutes to show your face in the kitchen, or I will drag your ass out of this room and make you regret crossing me."

For some reason I giggled again. Why her anger was reaching me where the others' compassion hadn't I really couldn't say. I guess it seemed more real to me.

I washed my hair twice, turned the shower off and dried myself with a giant, fluffy, white towel. My skin was so dry and itchy. I needed lotion. I found a small bottle of Bath & Body Works lotion, Warm Vanilla Sugar, in the medicine cabinet. It soaked into my dry skin, and I felt better instantly. I smelled good enough to eat, as usual. I put on the clothes Alice had left for me, thankful that it was just jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. The clothes were too big for me, and the jeans hung low on my hipbones. I pulled them up and rolled the waistband to get them to stay on.

The room was misty from the steam of the shower, and the mirror was all fogged up. I wiped it clean with the towel. I was shocked at my refection. I had avoided mirrors for so long. The drastic toll the drugs had taken on my appearance was hard to look at. The bones in my shoulder and sternum protruded horribly. I was so thin; no wonder the clothes were too big. Alice knew my size as well as she knew hers. I was guessing she bought the clothes before she saw me and really had no clue how small I had become. My dark eyes looked huge in my gaunt face, and the bruises underneath them were dark. My cheekbones were the most prominent feature on my face.

I was hideous.

The errant thought of drugs set my hands to shaking, and a craving hit me so hard I had to brace my body against the vanity to keep from falling. I couldn't breathe. The more I tried the harder it became. I couldn't stop it, and the feeling was terrifying.

As the panic rose higher and higher, I burst out of the bathroom and stumbled into the main room of the house. Carlisle was in a chair facing away from me, reading in front of the fireplace. He turned at what I'm sure was the sound of my loud gasping and was at my side in less than the blink of an eye.

He grabbed my hands away from my throat and spoke in a low, calm voice. "Bella…breathe…just look at me and take a deep breath." It was no use; I could feel the darkness coming. I looked up at him with bewilderment, my knees went weak, and I couldn't stop the panic.

I looked into his liquid gold eyes, trying to find the calm I needed. His amber eyes were so like Edward's, and as the darkness blinded me, his face changed into the one I missed the most.

…

I came to, staring at the high, beamed ceiling and looked around in a surprise. I started to remember why I hyperventilated and brushed the thoughts away. I couldn't let the lure of drugs pull me under again. I shook my head to clear it and saw Esme sitting in the chair nearest my head. She reached over and pushed my hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear. Tears sprung to my eyes, and she came over and gathered me into her arms. I let go and held her as tight as I could, sobbing into her neck. I couldn't form a coherent thought, but I realized how much I needed her comfort, how much I wanted it.

She held me for the longest time and just whispered soft words in my ear. As the crying wore down, I let out little hiccups – the kind a child coming out a tantrum has. Esme shifted my position and sat next to me on the couch, her arm around my shoulder: I leaned my head onto her shoulder. Her hair was soft against my skin, and the familiar scent that surrounded her brought back so many memories.

"Oh, Bella, my sweet darling, we are here for you." She continued rubbing my head and back, and in that moment I missed my mother so badly.

I let out another sob and tried to speak. "I can't do this."

I'm not sure how clear that came out between my tears and hiccups, but I felt the couch dip as Carlisle sat on my other side. I saw them meet each other's eyes and then saw Carlisle nod at Esme's unspoken question. He held my hand in his cold ones.

"Bella, I know what you're feeling is painful and hard to manage, but I can help you. You don't have to do this on your own."

I slumped down into the couch. In my short time around drugs, I saw just as many people addicted to the very pills that were supposed to cure their addiction as to the drugs themselves. I didn't want to be an addict anymore. I wanted to be fine.

I wanted to be the Bella I was four years.

I wanted it all to be a nightmare.

I wanted to wake up next to Edward.

I wanted to make my dad pancakes for breakfast.

I wanted to be whole again, for my heart to be in one piece instead of the shattered mess that was filling my chest.

"Will you let me?" Carlisle asked.

I didn't even hesitate. At that point I was so weak, and I saw no other way. I nodded, and even though I avoided his eyes, I turned toward him as he spoke.

"I need you to try and eat something. You have not eaten anything since you came here, and I don't want to have to put an IV in to nourish you. Esme made some soup for you. "

I didn't want an IV either. I hated needles. I didn't feel hungry for food, though; other cravings were more present, but I knew my body was in need of sustenance. I thought the weakness I felt was because of the withdrawal, but I couldn't even remember the last time I ate a meal. Esme let go of me and went into the kitchen to warm up some food.

"I am going to give you a pill to help with the withdrawal." I shook my head. I really didn't want to rely on more drugs to get off of drugs, but Carlisle jumped in before I could say anything.

"You've had numerous panic attacks in these last few days; Clonidine is a medicine used to treat anxiety. It will help with the other uncomfortable symptoms you're experiencing, as well. Try it for a few doses and see how you feel."

The damn tears fell again. I hated feeling so weak.

Esme brought me a tray with a steaming bowl of chicken and rice soup, and I swiped the tears off my cheeks. It was my Gran's recipe. I remembered making the same soup at their house in Forks, and the memory of that wonderful summer spent with Edward as one of his family made my stomach clench. I shook away the memories and picked up my spoon. The food smelled divine, but I gagged at the thought of putting it in my mouth.

Carlisle must have seen my gag. "You need to eat." His voice was serious. I knew if I didn't take at least a small portion, I'd have an IV in my arm before I could sneeze.

I was so self-conscious with them standing over me, watching and waiting. My hands were shaking, but I managed to take a bite. The soup was heavenly. I closed my eyes, savoring the flavor, and felt it go smoothly down my throat.

"It tastes good."

They both look relieved that I was trying to eat. I took another couple of bites and felt my eyelids getting heavy. I didn't want to fall asleep in my bowl. I started to get up to take the tray into the kitchen, but Esme took it from me.

"I'll take care of that, Bella."

I thanked her and then sat there, not knowing if I should go back to my room or stay there on the couch. The quiet was unnerving, and I felt so awkward. I wished Carlisle would talk to me. My legs started bouncing, and the tension in my neck was growing, causing me to fidget even more. I lifted my head up, and my eyes met Carlisle's.

Suddenly, he stood over me with his hand out offering me a pill—damn his vampire speed! I was still not entirely sure I wanted to go down that path, and I knew he was aware of that. I couldn't stop fidgeting. I felt like spiders were crawling up my back, and I arched away from the prickly feeling.

I went to stand up, but his words stopped me.

"This pill will help you, Bella. I understand your feelings about not taking it, but allowing the medicine to help you does not make you weak. The best thing you can do is help your body heal. This will lessen the symptoms you're feeling and help you achieve that."

I reached for the pill and grabbed my bottle of water from the side table before I could change my mind. I swallowed a few gulps before I finally tossed the pill to the back of my throat and washed it down with the water. My throat was dry, and the pill felt like it was stuck. I choked and coughed until Carlisle gently smacked my back. I sat back hard on the couch and let my head fall onto the back of the soft cushion with a sigh.

Carlisle, satisfied that I swallowed the pill, went and sat back down in his chair and resumed reading like I was a regular guest. I could hear Esme humming in the kitchen and was a little weirded out by the fact that they weren't talking to me, not asking me questions. It just seemed so normal.

I sat there almost in a daze, watching them go about their evening like I wasn't sitting there on the couch. I started seeing things I didn't understand. Colors were swirling around me, and I tried to shake them away. I was shivering from the cold feeling that surrounded me; maybe there was a draft somewhere. The air swirled around me and all of a sudden, I felt my body floating up, like an out of body experience.

From above, I saw the room and all the occupants, including myself, asleep on the couch. Carlisle and Esme were sitting in the chair, their heads together. I didn't remember the others coming into the room, but they were there, too. Alice and Rosalie were laughing at something Emmett was saying, but I couldn't hear, and Jasper was across the room. I saw him staring at my body just laying there with my eyes closed on the couch. He had a look that reminded me of the horrors of my eighteenth birthday party. I saw him run, a streak across the room, and jump on top of me. He bit my neck, and I heard the screams ripping from my throat. I was trying to push him off, but my hands fell, and my body went limp. I saw him look up with my blood on his lips.

The rest of the Cullens were laughing.

XOXOXO

Thanks again to Jessypt! Even with the busyness of Christmas and New Years she still managed to make time for me.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year! I know I did! I partied hard on the couch with sparkling grape juice, the most awesome husband, and the 2/3 of my children that could hang til midnight!

As you all know- Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I own this poor damaged version of Bella and the plot of this story.

Above, I referenced a drug called Clonidine. It is indeed used in cases like Bella's. It has many uses, but also many side effects. I know this because Google told me, not because I am a trained medical professional.

And last but not least- Thank you so much for all your reviews! They are wonderful! I plan on responding to all of them this week! Many have asked about Edward. I have a plan for dear Edward, it will just be a little bit. I need to get Bella into the right frame of mind to be able to deal with Edward.