Here it is! The next two chapters will have a bit of a time jump.

**No copyright infringement intended- Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of Twilight**

Chapter 8- The Very Bad, No Good Day

Bella POV

More than a month had gone by since I came to live with the Cullens. It had taken work, but I put aside my anger. I gave a little more each day and worked to repair my relationship with Alice. I could no longer live in the past. I needed to move on and heal.

Some days I woke up and felt great, but other days, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I seemed to be handling the cravings well, but I still occasionally turned to the Clonidine to get by. Every time I took the pills, I had horrible nightmares, or even worse, strange hallucinations. I was becoming antsier with each day that passed. Alice decided we needed to get out, and I agreed.

I'd gained about ten pounds, courtesy of Esme's amazing cooking, and I looked, even if I didn't feel, more like the old Bella, the one they used to know. It was amazing what regular meals could do. My face had filled in, and my ribs and hipbones were not sticking out obscenely. I felt so much better.

I was glad Alice offered to go out with me; I needed a new wardrobe to replace the clothes I'd already outgrown. She laughed at me that morning when I had to lay on the bed and suck in to button my jeans. Of course, Alice would use any excuse to shop. I hated shopping but welcomed the opportunity to get out of the house.

We drove to Boston. It was a great drive. Alice parked the SUV in the mall parking garage, farther away than necessary. I teased Alice when we pulled into the spot, asking her why she couldn't "see" a better spot in our future. We both laughed, but I guess that's just more proof that Alice doesn't see everything she should.

We shopped for hours and spent a staggering amount of money. Everything I showed even the slightest interest in ended up in the pile. I was so excited when we found a pair of soft, knee-length, black, suede boots. Alice had been showing me boots with the most ridiculous heels. Was she freaking serious? I couldn't walk safely in flats, and she wanted to put me in heels that would almost guarantee a broken ankle? When I tried on the flat boots I instantly fell in love with them, and Alice approved. She bought me leggings and a soft green sweater that just covered my butt. I had to admit, I looked cute.

As we shopped, there was no talk of the past or even the future. It was just us, enjoying each other's company, talking and laughing. Not exactly like old times, but we seemed to be forming something new. I could feel myself holding back a bit. I'd learned self-preservation the hard way, and I kept that lesson close.

After a couple of hours I was exhausted and hungry. We had lunch at a small bistro in the mall. While Alice pushed a small salad around on her plate, I ate the most delicious French dip sandwich and fries I'd ever tasted. The hot fries were sprinkled with freshly grated Parmesan cheese that had melted in little white ribbons of deliciousness.

We spent most of our lunch making small talk about the other members of her family. We laughed about Emmett's reaction to Rosalie's continued winning streak in bowling. He was such a sore loser. We talked about Jasper and how his attitude toward their "diet" had changed. We even talked about Carlisle and Esme, but we never talked about me… or him. We danced around that giant gorilla at our table until it was almost unbearable, and then she broke.

I could tell by the look on her face that Alice wanted to ask me something more serious than the trivial topics we had been discussing. I took a long slurp of my coke, shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, resigned to having this long needed talk.

"Just ask me, Alice. I know you're dying over there," I said bracing for what she would say.

She smiled at me and minutely relaxed in her chair. Her face became more serious.

"I know things were hard for you when we left." I rolled my eyes, and she reached for my hands. "No, Bella, I know you suffered horribly, and I wish I could go back and change things."

I pulled my hand out of hers, looked up at the ceiling, and blinked away the tears that were filling my eyes. I didn't want to revisit what it felt like when they left.

She persisted. "I have to know. Why would you turn to drugs?"

I should have known she wouldn't pussy foot around the issue. No, Alice always took the direct route.

"You didn't see me?" I tried not to let the bitterness show in my voice, but I didn't succeed.

Alice shook her head. "At first, I saw bits of how hard you were taking it, but your future was so up in the air. And it changed so fast. I knew you were having a really hard time adjusting, but I promised that I wouldn't intervene in any way—no matter what I saw. Bella, leaving you was so difficult, but we had to support Edward. He'd done it for us before." Her eyes pleaded with me to understand.

"Each time I did get a vision of you, I had to convince myself you were better off without us, even if that wasn't what I truly felt—or saw."

She looked away from me and furrowed her brow. I didn't know what to say in response. She reached over and held my hand again.

"There was a time when you were happy, though. I almost never saw you at all." She had a faraway look on her face, almost as if she was remembering what she had seen.

"It made me happy that you were getting better but sad in a way." Alice shrugged. "I guess I selfishly wanted you to miss me as much I missed you and seeing you recovering made it so final."

I knew what she was talking about, and the thought of how Jacob helped me made my stomach hurt. I let go of her hand and pushed my plate away. She waited expectantly for me to fill in the blanks. I thought back to a time months after they left. I'd missed her. That never subsided, but I had needed to connect with someone.

"I became good friends with Jacob Black."

I wanted to remember it fondly, but it was another part of my life I'd tried to forget.

Alice looked puzzled. "Jacob Black – the Quileute kid?"

"Yeah, he was my best friend. Things got very weird with him for a while. He stopped talking to me, and then after graduation, he started calling again. He wouldn't explain why he cut me off. It was almost like he disappeared. I had to face the feelings that I had been able to ignore along with the loss of his friendship. It was too hard." I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, and Alice wouldn't meet my eyes.

I continued. "Then when he came back, he pushed for more, and I couldn't give it to him. I had to walk away." I looked over at Alice, and the sympathy in her eyes was almost enough to make me lose it.

"My relationship with Jacob is one of my greatest regrets. He was my best friend, and he glued me back together when I'd been left in shattered pieces, but I couldn't love him like I loved-." I gulped. I couldn't even say his name let alone think it. "I couldn't love him like he deserved to be loved."

I went on. "Because of Jake, I didn't go home for breaks. I was afraid I would cave in and take the easy road. I was afraid I would let him love me, and I didn't want to let go of the hurt. I was afraid if I did, there would be nothing left, and I held, still hold, on to every piece of him that I can."

I let out a sob and laid my head on the table. "I hadn't seen my dad in months. When he died, it was such a shock. I think I just gave up. I went back to school and went through the motions, but I was losing it a bit more each day. A friend offered me a hit of coke as a pick up before a final, and I got hooked."

"The other drugs just followed naturally. When I was high, I was able to block out every feeling I had, everyfeeling, Alice. I was able to go to a place where none of the pain touched me, where I didn't have to remember anything. I moved to New York to start over, but it was too hard. I met someone who supplied me with what I needed. I devoted my whole existence, at that point, to getting as messed up as I could."

Alice just watched me as I unloaded everything in one swoop, and I'm glad that she offered no pity. I was sick of pity and just wanted to let it go. I looked into her golden eyes and told her the honest truth.

"I wanted to die, but I was too chicken to do it."

Alice closed her eyes for a long time. She seemed to be finding it hard to take in. Her eyes fluttered open, and she blew out a breath. Her face had fallen, and it made me want to let go and cry. "I'm sorry, Bella. I know that words can never be enough. I never should have let him walk away from you."

I closed my eyes. My heartbeat was pounding in my head, and the din in the restaurant seemed to get louder. I had to take a minute to calm myself.

My voice broke. "I don't understand why?" I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms over my stomach. I could feel the hole ripping open.

Alice's voice was sad. "We thought we were doing the right thing, Bella. We thought our presence was harmful to you, and we were right. Your birthday party scared us all into realizing the reality of the situation; we couldn't be sure we could protect you from ourselves, let alone anything else."

Maybe that was why she left, but he told me he didn't want anymore. I remembered it in my head as clearly as the day it happened.

**Bella, I don't want you to come with me. He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face as I absorbed what he was really saying.

"You…don't…want… me? I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology.

"Well, that changes things."

He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tiredof pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were nothuman. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."

He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.

"You're not good for me, Bella."**

How well I knew I wasn't good enough for him. I shook the memory off and gave my attention back to Alice.

"You're here now though and regardless of what anyone else thinks-" She was talking about him. "I know you're meant to be a part of our family."

Her voice was so sincere in that moment that I almost forgave her. I sat forward and tried to smile. I knew I needed to climb out of the abyss I'd allowed myself to sink into and start living again, but the bitterness of what happened stuck in my throat.

"Thanks for that, Alice."

Alice stood up and pulled me into an almost too tight hug.

"I love you, Bella."

I hugged her back, but I couldn't go so far as to reciprocate.

Alice paid the check and pulled me back into the mall for more shopping. My heart wasn't in it though. I was still reeling from the pain of revisiting the day he left. I'd had three glasses of Coke at lunch and spent the rest of the day peeing. Alice hated to be interrupted once she got started, and a couple of times, I took a bathroom break just to mess with her.

While we were walking toward the exit, Alice spotted a display in a window and exclaimed with delight before pulling me over.

"Oh! Look at that jacket. Edward would love that!" Alice said, too caught up in her excitement to see how imagining him in that coat affected me. I gasped and faltered a bit, and at Alice's horrified expression, I spun around and accidentally slammed into a girl that was walking into the mall.

We bounced off each other, and I landed on my stomach, the girl, who was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, fell backwards onto her butt. Her purse flew out of her arms and spilled all over the floor. I rolled over and sat up quickly, my face red hot with embarrassment, and Alice and I helped her pick up her stuff. I reached for a small makeup bag, and when I grabbed a hold of it, all of the contents fell into my lap. My frustration with the mess was boiling over, and when I realized what was mixed in with the contents in my lap, I froze.

I snatched the small white ball from my lap and stuffed my hand in my pocket. I could barely breathe. My stomach was in knots, my chest tight with the knowledge that the one thing I'd been craving for weeks was now in my possession. I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom faster than a vampire and snort the drugs until I was in a stupor, but I knew I couldn't be that obvious.

Apologizing over and over again, I finished helping the very pissed off girl put her belongings back in her bag. She snatched her bag out of Alice's hands and told me to fuck off.

Alice laughed at her but then began staring off into space for a minute. I knew what she was seeing. I'd made the decision to take the drugs, and she saw it. We said nothing to each other in the car. I kept my head down and avoided meeting her eyes, the light mood from earlier gone. My legs wouldn't stop bouncing, and I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I should have been sweating from the effort to keep it together, but I was cold. My hand was fisted in my pocket, holding onto the drugs for dear life. I didn't know if she realized I had the drugs, but I assumed she did. I wondered if she could smell them.

My anxiety grew with each mile we drove closer to the house. Part of me was waiting for her to call me out. She kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. She said nothing. She just watched me fall apart. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to know why she wasn't stopping me.

Why didn't she care enough?

We pulled into the driveway, and I barely waited for her to put the car in park before I jumped out and ran into the house. Carlisle and Esme were in the great room. I ran right past them without stopping and went into my bedroom with my head down. I locked the door behind me and slid down to the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees and laid my face on top of them, the baggie of powder still clenched tightly in my fist. I ignored the knocking at my door. I felt the relentless war inside of me. Indecision and need were fighting a battle that was crushing me.

I had no idea how much time had passed before I heard Carlisle speak to me through the door. "Bella, please open the door." I stood up and opened it just a crack. "Are you okay?"

I knew that he knew. I could see he was checking to see if I had done the drugs.

I shook my head from side to side and squeezed my eyes shut. My hand was behind my back, hiding my shame tightly in a fist. I wanted it so bad, and with each beat that we stood there, I felt the overwhelming need for the oblivion it would give me.

I wanted it. I needed it. I hated it.

I hated the control a small bag of dope had over my life.

Carlisle asked nothing of me. He just stood there and watched me struggle. I took a deep breath, and bit my bottom lip so hard I could taste blood. Although it greatly pained me, I held my tightly clenched fist out to him. I hesitated for one second. I looked into his eyes and saw, not judgment, but worry. I dropped the baggie in his hand and collapsed on the floor. I had no strength. I had used it all to beat the demon.

I felt his hand helping me up, and Carlisle put me on my bed. He put his hand on my shoulder and knelt down in front on me. He took a deep breath, and in a move that reminded me of his son, raked his hands through his hair.

"I'm proud of you. You did the right thing, but I'm not going to lie to you, Bella. I'm worried."

I couldn't meet his eyes, and I went so far as to pull my limp hair out of the hair tie and allow it to block my face from view.

He continued. "I think it's time you allowed me to really help you."

I was shaking my head before he finished. I felt like I suddenly needed to control my anger. I felt it bubbling up inside of me, hot and violent. I clenched my jaw to keep from yelling. My voice was so quiet I could barely hear it myself, but I knew he could.

"I'm not something you can fix. I'm never going to be right."

I was desperate to release my emotions. I pulled at my sleeves and tucked my hands into my shirt, unconsciously trying to disappear. I voiced that exact sentiment.

"I just want to disappear; for all the pain to disappear."

"I'm here for you, Bella. I want to help you."

His words hit a nerve. I kept hearing 'I am here for you,' from him, from Alice, from Esme, but the one I wanted wasn't here, and that thought pushed me over the edge.

I lost it. I jumped out off the bed, tripping on the too long legs of my black sweats. I caught myself from falling, slammed my hands on the wall, and screamed at Carlisle.

"He said it would be as if he never existed! He lied to me. He is gone, you are here, and I have nothing!" I started to sob. Carlisle just watched me. I put my hands out to him.

"Don't you see? He ruined me. I am a pathetic loser who can't get over her first love. I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. I will never get over Edward." I felt the anger draining out of me, and it was replaced with a despair that pulled me lower than I had ever been. My legs went weak, and I sank to the floor.

"He was worried about my soul, but he took it anyway. He stole it and left me empty, and I can't move on."

Carlisle came over, sank down on his knees next to me, and put his arms around me. I didn't reciprocate the hug. I didn't want comforting. I was too overloaded with emotion, and I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I pulled away from him and crawled into bed. I pulled the covers over my head and let go. I kicked and screamed. I attacked the bed with every ounce of anger I felt. I cried and railed at the injustice of my life.

When I finally calmed down, I said a prayer thanking God I didn't give in. I cried silent tears until I fell asleep on my soaked pillow. I was so exhausted and thankful for the oblivion that sleep provided.

xoxoxo

Thanks again to Jessypt, who again polished my work. Thanks for all the story alerts and favorites! And Thanks for all the reviews- they make me write faster! I also have to thank my husband, his support is amazing and I love his suggestions. They always make complete sense.

**Excerpt taken from New Moon. I will say it again- no copyright infringement intended.**

Also, if you wonder why Alice didn't stop Bella- write me a review and ask me. I have a great explanation :)