Chapter 9- Heavy Cloud No Rain

Turned on the weatherman just after the news

I needed sweet rain to wash away my blues

He looked at the chart but he looked in vain

Heavy cloud but no rain

-Sting

Bella POV

I opened my eyes but stayed in bed staring at the white ceiling. I spent the entire night with my emotions bouncing back and forth between regret and pride. I was proud that I'd been able to hand Carlisle the drugs, but deep down I regretted it.

I wished I'd taken them. I needed the pain to go away. I squeezed my eyes shut. Just thinking about how much I craved the high sent shivers up my spine. Even twelve hours later, I was still ready to climb the walls.

I stayed in my room the entire day. Esme tried to get me to eat, but I told her I wasn't hungry.

I wasn't hungry, thirsty, tired, happy, or sad.

I was numb.

I had finally achieved the numbness I'd been craving without drugs.

I saw the irony in that. Drugs had helped me forget him for a short time, but I was slowly realizing it was just temporary, and nothing would ever change the fact that I was lost without him. His memory was a catalyst to the drug use. Not him exactly, but the feelings of loss inside me. Drugs numbed the pain, but it seemed that hopelessness did it too. I turned over on my side and let the tears fall. They were silent tears that ran down my face and over my nose, soaking my pillow in grief. I was grieving the loss of all the hope I'd been feeling inside me.

I would never be normal. I didn't want to be normal. I just wanted Edward.

It had been a week since Alice and I went to Boston. I'd been hiding in my bedroom, and I was sick of it. I knew I needed to let the past go. I was strong enough to say no to the drugs. I needed to be strong enough to heal.

I borrowed Carlisle's phone and sat out on the deck wrapped in a blanket. I was sick to my stomach but knew it was time to make a very hard call.

I called my mother. I hadn't talked to her since shortly after Charlie's funeral, and I guess, in a way, I hoped for some comfort from her. She screamed at me for not calling her sooner and causing her so much worry. I apologized over and over again with tear-filled sobs while she continued yelling at me. I knew she'd been worried, but I couldn't take her accusations that I never thought of her and how much she needed me.

Why couldn't it be about what I needed? It was my father who died, my boyfriend who left, and she needed me? I shut down even more. I angrily swiped the tears away.

It took a good ten minutes before she got around to asking where I was. I couldn't tell her I was with the Cullens. That would've opened up a whole line of questioning I wasn't ready to answer. I told her I was in drug rehab. Her silence was deafening. I'd hoped for some kind of understanding, but I didn't get that from her. She was shocked, hurt, and worse—angry. She wanted to come get me, but I wouldn't tell her where I was. I told her I loved her and ended the call, feeling even worse than before.

I walked into the house quietly. I really wanted to cry, but honestly, I was too sad. I set Carlisle's phone on the kitchen counter and softly thanked him. He was so sweet when he asked me how it went. I just gave him a smile that didn't reach further than my lips.

"She took it hard."

My hands were shaking, and I felt on the verge of passing out. I was just so weary and sick of feeling so lost. I turned away from his sympathetic look.

I went in my room and grabbed the blue leather journal that Alice picked out for me at a bookstore in Boston. It was soft, and the edges of the paper were painted gold, exactly like the Swan Family Bible that sat in a stand beside the fireplace at my Dad's house. Carlisle had suggested that I write my feelings and thoughts down as a way of releasing them since I wouldn't—couldn't, talk to him about what was deep inside me. I don't know if it help, but I had been trying.

I sat on the edge of my bed and opened it. I lost track of time as I sat there in misery, trying to analyze the myriad feelings inside me.

Regret that my father was gone and never got to see me happy again.

Shame that I couldn't bring my pain to my mother.

Bitterness that Jacob's easy love wasn't enough to make me happy.

Sorrow that I was never enough for Edward,and worse, that he was lost to me.

Anguish that I couldn't do anything right anymore, not even kill myself.

The uneasy joy of being with the family I'd longed for.

But most of all, I felt stronger than I ever had.

I furiously scrawled a letter to my mom, wondering why things could never be about me. I told her I loved her, but being there for her was just too much work right now. I asked her to be happy with Phil.

I had so much more in me I needed to write. I looked outside and the view matched my mood. I wanted to find a place outdoors where I could focus on the importance of what I needed to get off my chest. The sky was overcast with thick clouds that allowed no rays of sunlight to break through—safe for vampires but gloomy all the same. I almost wished for rain to wash away my lingering depression.

On the south side of the yard, I passed by Esme and Alice planting bright, cheery pansies of all different colors. I kept my head down and wouldn't meet their concerned glances as I headed into the newly green forest.

Spring had brought the leaves back to the trees, and the green foliage drew me in. I could hear the pounding of nails and the buzz of a power saw in the distance. Jasper and Emmett were beginning construction on the new outbuildings that Esme had planned. I heard the roar of Emmett's laughter and an outraged squeal from Rosalie. She must have been helping them.

I watched my step as I made my way through the trees, stumbling a couple times on roots and other hazards that my klutzy feet couldn't maneuver without tripping over. I hugged my journal to my chest as a memory of taking a very similar journey with Edward surfaced. I breathed it in, instead of blocking it out, and I relished the vision of his face while we sat together for the very first time in our meadow. I was so in awe of him then and so in love. I touched him for the first time while we sat amongst the wildflowers, and his smile was bright enough to blind me.

I walked quite a distance, stopping when I broke free of the dense trees and came to an odd clearing. There was an open space of about twenty yards that had a brook snaking its way through; a small rocky outcropping formed a trickling waterfall to the right of where I was standing. The grass surrounding the stream was green and dotted with purple and yellow wildflowers.

I dropped my jacket, set the journal on top of it, and sat down on the soft, moist grass. It was so peaceful. On a sunny day, I am sure this place was a stunning vision, a haven that beckoned fairies to come and dance. I pulled my legs under me and sat cross-legged. I ran my hands over my journal and closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath of the earthy air. The feel of the soft leather along with the chirping of the happy birds brought me a sense of peace that I had not felt in days.

I flipped through and read some of what I had written in the journal, mostly the letters. I recognized what those letters were—goodbyes. I'd made up my mind to die once and hadn't succeeded. The deeper I had fallen into despair; the more I'd wanted to be done. I'd wanted the ease of death, the peace of death. I'd wanted it to be as if I had never existed.

I needed to leave. I needed to get away from here. I would swallow my pain and go back to Forks. My dad's house was just sitting there. I would sell it and start over. I started to get choked up thinking about going back there, but it needed to be done. I swallowed back the tears and started writing my plans—my goals, down in my journal.

Maybe it was the fact that I'd made up my mind to go that gave me peace. It was going to be hard for them to let me leave, especially Alice, but they couldn't help me, and I couldn't expect to ever get better surrounded by the memories of Edward. The absence of him was everywhere I looked.

As soon as I thought the hole in my chest was healed, a vampire would touch my skin, and I remembered what he felt like next to me. Every breeze would blow the sweet scent of him straight to my brain. I couldn't look in anyone's eyes without seeing the look he gave me as he left; amber flames flaring up in his resolve to leave me.

I started to write a letter to Edward, but I couldn't do it.

That's when it hit me. Instead of walking away I needed to get better. Instead of writing my feeling for Edward down in a book, I needed to tell him.

I needed closure. I needed to see him one more time, and then I could let him go.

I didn't want to die. I threw my pen and journal down and fell backwards onto my jacket, looking up at the gray sky barely visible through the branches.

I was in his home. I was with his family. All I needed to do was tell them I wanted them to call him home, and I would see him. Even if he didn't want me I could say goodbye on my terms.

Closure.

I closed my eyes and said a prayer asking for strength to get better. I picked up my stuff and made my way back to the house. I would do this one day at a time.

I would get better.

I walked home filled with resolve, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I felt bad for screaming at Carlisle like I had. It was wrong, but it had also served as a release. I needed to apologize, and I needed to let him help me.

As I walked up the stairs to go into the house, I saw Alice waiting on the deck for me. I don't think she knew what to say.

"Alice…," I reached out for her. "I'm sorry."

She put her arm around my shoulders. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." We walked into the house and Carlisle stood up from his chair.

I wasn't even nervous. I was determined. I looked into Carlisle's eyes.

"I want you to help me."

I took all his advice and became a model patient. I took the anti-depressants and felt better in days. It shouldn't have surprised me so much, but it did.

Another month flew by. I worked hard to stay positive and get healthy. Routine helped me stay focused, so I took a walk each day. Sometimes Alice would come with me. We would walk in companionable silence or just chat. It felt very natural, and it felt good. I never told her about the letters I wrote, and she never brought up any indication that she had seen me make any decisions to leave.

I never took Alice to my place in the woods. It was mine alone, and I went there often. I would write in my journal or take a book from the stack Alice gave me and just lay there reading. Occasionally the sun would brightly shine, rays breaking through the branches and the whole meadow would be lit up. It was a beautiful place.

I sat there debating my future. We had discussed what I wanted. I knew I couldn't stay with the Cullens forever. The bubble I'd been living in could only be temporary. I really didn't know what I wanted to do with myself. Part of me still wanted to go back to Forks, but I was too scared of the emotions I would face there. Carlisle offered to pay for college, and I was seriously considering it. I would work and go to school, and pay him back.

I felt so good. I had a plan. I was strong. I was ready for the changes that were happening.

What I wasn't ready for yet was Edward. I still felt the sting of pain when I thought of him. I could think of him without having a panic attack, but I still wasn't whole. I knew deep down that rejection from him could ruin me again, but I also knew that if I truly wanted to get better I had to forgive him. I had to let him go.

It was a hard decision to not let anyone tell him I was here. It was enough, right now, for me to know that he was ok, that he was going on with his life. There were many days I felt like breaking down and asking Alice to call Edward, but I wanted to be strong enough to say goodbye. I didn't let myself hope for anything more. I just needed a little more time.

On a beautiful sunny morning, Esme packed me a lunch, and I headed out with my book and a blanket. I was looking forward to the quiet, fresh air in the forest. I no longer tripped through the woods. Emmett had thoughtfully cut a path out for me and made my walk so much easier.

I spread my blanket out on the ground in a ray of sunlight. It was like God intended for me to lay right there in the spot He had chosen. I ate my lunch and read through the afternoon, until my eyes became tired. I let sleep take me, and I dreamed of Edward.

The dreams I had were so beautiful and so peaceful. I woke up and wrote them down in my journal. I wrote for a long time. I saw that the midday light had turned to twilight, and while I knew it was Edward's favorite time of day, I was saddened by the passing of yet another day without him. My arms ached to hold him, and when I closed my eyes, I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me. I shook the thoughts out of my head and began gathering my things to head back to the house.

I took a deep breath, pulling the blue night air into my lungs, and I smelled the sweet scent that was Edward, relishing in the memory. I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't alone. The sweet scent I smelled was indeed a vampire, but not one I would've ever expected. I backed up toward the tree line, knowing I couldn't run.

"Bella, I did not expect to see you here."

It had been years, but I instantly recognized the accented voice. He'd been on our side before, but something about his manner sent shivers of fear up my spine. Laurent stood about fifteen feet away from me on the other side of the stream. I said nothing.

"I was on my way to visit the Cullens." He circled around me in a way that made me feel like prey. I was the prey.

"I came here as a favor to Victoria."

My blood ran cold at the mere mention of her name. My voice shook with the cold fear I felt.

"Victoria?"

This was not fair!

I'd begged for death for so long, and now when I was finally firmly back on the side of living, I was going to die?

I made the decision in my head—I was going to run from Laurent. I hoped Alice would see me. I concentrated on my plan and backed up slowly. I knew that I'd never make it, but I couldn't just let him kill me.

Laurent cocked his head and gave me a curious look as he moved a bit closer.

"She watched you for years, but Edward was gone. What good was killing you if he wasn't there to see it? She killed your father, you know. It was a brilliant plan. He stopped her for speeding, and she made it look like he'd been run over."

I gasped in horror. My knees almost gave way, but I pulled myself together. I couldn't show him any weakness.

"It was messy, I know. Watching you pour out your grief at the cemetery was gratifying, but that wasn't good enough. She decided Edward would have to pay for killing James; and if it wasn't going to be with your life, it would be his."

Laurent was suddenly close enough for me to feel his breath as he whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes in revulsion.

"He fought hard, but her revenge was sweet."

I backed up even further away from him as his eyes narrowed. He didn't follow right away. I shook my head back and forth refusing to believe what he said.

"No. You're wrong." I couldn't catch my breath.

He smiled a menacing smile, and I saw my death in his eyes. "I am not wrong. Your Edward is dead, and you will soon join him." He threw his head back and laughed. " Victoria will love this."

Edward dead? My heart was pounding. I continued backing away, but he followed, stalking me slowly.

"It's not true. You're lying to me." Laurent laughed.

"Why would I lie to you?"

He touched my face, and I turned away. How could this be? I had resolved myself to not having Edward by my side, but now he was gone?

How could I live in a world where he didn't exist? I felt my panic rising.

I heard a rustling behind me in the woods and let go. I fell to my knees and screamed louder than should've been humanly possible. I kept screaming and didn't stop, even when I saw Jasper break through the trees yards from me, Emmett right behind him. Laurent raised his hands in a peaceful gesture and then ran in the opposite direction. They raced after him, Rosalie following close behind. Carlisle arrived seconds after Laurent disappeared into the woods.

I couldn't stop screaming even after Alice and Esme pulled me off the ground. I screamed until my throat was sore. Carlisle came up behind us and carried me to the house. They couldn't calm me. I lost all sense of time. I felt the coolness of my comforter on my back and grabbed a hold of Carlisle before he let go.

"He's gone." I sobbed hysterically.

"Shhh- Shhh, Bella. Yes, Jasper and Emmett will take care of Laurent. He's gone."

I shook my head against my pillow; I could feel the tears running down behind my neck.

"No…no… Edward's gone." I choked, my body shaking uncontrollably.

"Victoria killed Edward. He's gone."

Esme's gasped and fell to her knees. I lost all sense of what was going on around me. I heard the sound of screams, loud in my ears, but I couldn't tell whose they were.

xoxoxo

Sorry for the cliffie! Be on the lookout for Chapter 10. It is a very short, but valuble chapter. It really should be Chapter 9 1/2.

In Chapter 11 we will find out what is going on with Edward. That chapter may be posted earlier than next Tuesday. I guess it will depend on how many people want it sooner!

Thanks to Jessypt for looking this over. If there are any mistakes, they are all mine. I became obsessive and changed a whole bunch this weekend.

Thanks to all who are following and reading! Thanks for those that leave a review. I adore every one of them!

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, but You Found Me is all mine.