This was a tough chapter to write and may be hard to read.

Chapter 12 Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember, everything

-Johnny Cash

Bella POV

I woke up in my bed—alone; my head aching horribly. I sat up and pushed my ratty hair out of my face. The sudden movement made me dizzy. I put my foot on the ground to stop the room from spinning. I closed my eyes and swallowed trying to clear away the bad taste in my mouth. It tasted like I'd been chewing on old gym socks. I took a drink of water from the glass on my nightstand to try and wet my dry mouth. It was freezing in the house. I shivered from the cold and decided a bath would help warm me up and wash away the hangover feeling I had.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I started the bath, watching the steam fill the bathroom, but something pricked at my brain. I shivered again. When I crawled out of bed I hadn't noticed I was only wearing the tank top and underwear I had on the day before. I wondered why I hadn't put pajamas on. I frowned at the total blankness I was experiencing. I looked at my reflection in the mirror – I looked horrible. I moved closer to get a better look. My eyes were swollen and had bags underneath them. I tried to rub away the bruises, then I shook my head trying to clear away the fog. Something wasn't right.

I turned the water off, went back into my room, and sat with my legs crossed against the iron headboard of my bed. I pulled the comforter up around my chin to stave off the cold feeling I had. I must have had an episode. That would explain the hangover. Carlisle must have had to medicate me.

It had been a while since I'd had any problems. I'd been taking meds religiously and had been doing so much better. I sat back and furrowed my brow. I was so woozy, but I tried picking through my fuzzy memories to recall what had happened. I didn't remember coming to bed, but I remembered going to my meadow.

Then it hit me.

Laurent.

I grabbed my stomach. The pain that hit me was unimaginable. It couldn't be true. It had to have been a nightmare. Something must have set me off; it had to have been a hallucination.

I closed my eyes as the memory cut through until it was all clear.

"Alice!" I yelled for her.

Please don't let it be true. Please Edward can't be dead. I begged God it wasn't true. I gathered the blanket in my fists and held them over my eyes wishing I hadn't remembered.

Laurent told me it was Victoria who killed my father. How could that be? Why would Victoria do that? I tried to understand why my father mattered to her. Edward killed James. Why didn't she just kill me? My father was innocent. The thought of it killed me. It was like he'd died all over again. I couldn't breathe from the grief inside me. My dad, now Edward? I held back the sobs, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Alice!" I yelled again. She usually came running when I called her. Someone was usually by my side after I'd had a bad night, but no one came when I called.

I rolled onto my side, pulling my legs up. I curled into a ball, trying to hold myself together. I shook my head.

"No!" I screamed. This couldn't be true. What I couldn't remember was why Laurent didn't kill me. I couldn't figure it out; all I could see in my head was my father's coffin and Edward.

Both of them gone forever.

I'd just made up my mind to go find some answers when I heard a crashing noise. Suddenly my bedroom door slammed opened scaring the hell out of me. I hid my face in the covers but quickly pulled them away when what I'd seen registered in my brain.

Edward.

Oh, thank God! The relief I felt was immense. He was here; he wasn't dead. I was confused. I blinked my eyes trying to clear them but realized he was really there in front of me. I wasn't seeing things.

I pulled up on my knees and reached for him, swiping away the tears that blurred his face. Alice came in the room with a wary look on her face and came to my side.

"E—E—E—Edward, you're here." My eyes kept filling with tears of relief. I smiled through them and reached for him. Just wanting to make sure he was real.

"You're alive."

Jasper stepped in between us, blocking my view of Edward, and I moved on the bed, so I could see him again.

Suddenly—if I had blinked I would have missed it—Edward grabbed the chair for the desk and flung it at the mirror over the dresser, smashing the chair and shattering the mirror. I instinctually ducked to protect myself and felt Alice and Jasper huddled over me doing the same.

I couldn't see his face, but I heard him screaming,

"I don't want her here!"

My heart fell. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. He yelled something more. The words too jumbled for me to make out.

I peeked my head out of the cocoon Alice had made around me and saw his face. He looked crazed, but I heard his words clearly.

"She can't be here!"

I closed my eyes and sagged back down to the bed. His words hit me. I heard the shuffle of people moving around and yelling, but I couldn't make sense of any of it.

He didn't want me here.

I heard Emmett yelling and the shattering of glass, but maybe it was really my heart breaking I heard. And then there was nothing but silence.

Like that, he was gone again.

I looked up at Alice and had to look away. She looked like she was going to cry. I had to stay calm. I couldn't fall apart. At least I finally knew how he truly felt. I took a deep breath.

Alice sat back down next to me.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. I tried to break the news you were here gently, but I couldn't. It was too hard to hide my thoughts from him. He freaked out."

She put her arms around me and rested her cheek on my head.

"Everyone went after him. They'll stop him and make him understand why you're here."

I didn't think it mattered why I was here. He didn't want me. She stopped rubbing my shoulder, and her eyes glazed over.

"He's not coming back."

She must have seen him make a decision. I swallowed hard past the lump building in my throat. I suddenly wanted to be alone

"You have to go after him, Alice. He belongs here. He's your family."

Even though I was filled with despair, I kept my voice calm and even.

"I'm fine. We'll work everything out when he calms down. Everything will be fine."

She should be comforting me, telling me everything would be fine, but I could see her inching away from me. It was obvious she wanted to go to him. She looked at me closely, searching my face. I waved her away.

Alice didn't spare me another glance before she flew through the door. I stared after her and was suddenly hit by a wave of pain unlike any I had ever felt before. Worse than when I thought he was dead.

I told her to leave, but it was one more blow to my fragile heart when she did. I barely had to work to convince her. Through all her talk of being there for me she showed me again where her true loyalties lie—with Edward.

They all claimed to love me, but no one looked back to see if I was okay before they ran after him. They had shown their true colors.

I curled up in a ball and held myself as tightly as I could. I held the oxygen in my lungs waiting for the burn of depravation, but all I felt was blackness taking over.

It was done. He truly didn't want me.

I'd envisioned our reunion so many times in the past four years, but never had I envisioned the hate I saw on his face. I knew he didn't want me when he left Forks. He'd told me that.

The small kernel of hope I'd felt these last few weeks was suddenly gone.

Everything was gone. There was nothing left.

Closure.

I finally had closure, no more wondering.

I staggered into the bathroom and started the bath again. The coldness permeated my soul, and I couldn't think beyond five seconds into my future.

I watched the water flowing into the tub and imagined that I'd cried enough tears to fill the bathtub to overflowing. No more would come. The steam swirled around the room again, and Edward's words swirled around my soul.

"I don't want you here."

His words echoed around the room as if he was still there yelling them with the hatred I'd heard. I covered my ears trying to block out the words. I turned toward the mirror. My chest was heaving as I drew in lungfuls of air. The longer I stood staring at my pitiful reflection in the mirror, the more I hated the pathetic being I had become.

I hated how weak I was. I was so sick of being poor, pathetic Bella.

I opened the medicine cabinet, searching frantically, for anything. I wanted something to numb what I was feeling.

I sat down hard on the floor, my hands in my hair.

I hated how I still craved drugs that wouldn't do anything to ease the pain inside me or fill the missing void.

I shook my head to try to clear it. I took a couple of deep breaths and pulled myself up.

Ahh! There was that face in the mirror again! I hated her! I grabbed my head trying to shake the image of Edward's demented face out of it and screamed.

"Ahhhhhh!"

I swiped my hand across the counter and knocked everything to the floor. Nothing broke, but I wanted to smash it all.

I wanted to smash everything. I slammed my fists against the granite until I felt the physical pain I wanted. I looked at my reflection, and my eyes looked dead. I slammed my hands against the mirror, shattering it. The spider web pattern blocked my face from sight.

The anger fled quickly and was replaced again by the blackness. I let my hands fall limply at my sides and shivered, from shock or cold, I didn't know which.

I didn't even bother to take my clothes off before I stepped into the water. It was so hot it scalded my skin, but I didn't care about the burn.

I liked the pain.

The water lapped at the edges of the tub, and I watched a few small drops roll over the edge and down the side of the tub. It looked like tears—tears I couldn't cry. I saw the water pooling on the floor and didn't even care enough to turn the water off.

I reached down and grabbed the mirrored plate off the floor that had held my toiletries. I leaned my head against the back of the tub and stared at the face in the mirror.

What was I looking for?

An answer?

The person staring back at me was nothing, a hollow, vacant, shell of a person, and in that instant, it finally hit me. My life was over. There was nothing left for me. No matter what, I still loved him, but he would never love me back.

I smashed the mirror against the edge of the tub and before I could even make a decision I sliced open my upper arm. The blood flowed like red ribbons down my skin, pulsing with the beat of my shattered heart. I grasped the piece of broken glass in my hand, struggling to keep a hold of it, slippery with my blood.

I watched my blood dripping into the water, curling into beautiful red ribbons, and I wanted more. I wanted it to be faster.

I lifted my leg out of the water and sliced the artery in my thigh. I dropped the glass in the water, closed my eyes, and pictured his face.

I touched my lips, smearing the metallic blood on them, tasting it.

"I love you, Edward."

I felt cold and then nothing.

xoxoxo

Suicide is not something I write about lightly. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. If you or someone you know is in a place where suicide seems like an answer please contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website at www (dot) suicidepreventionlifeline (dot) org

They can offer lifesaving information.

I'm going to go hide now.

Thanks Jessypt for being the best beta ever. Your work is much appreciated. Thanks for continually encouraging me. Thanks to all who took the time to write me a review and those who put me or my story on alert. I also again want to thank my husband- He is as invested in this story as I am!

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight no copyright infringement intended.