Chapter 14- Hate Me

And then I fell down yelling make it go away

Just make her smile come back and shine just like it use to be

And then she whispered

How could you do this to me?

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

-Blue October

Edward POV

"Edward, listen."

I felt so much relief I almost fell to my knees.

I heard her heart.

A strong heart.

A changing heart.

Bella's heartbeat grew stronger. The sound of the change taking hold in her body brought me an immediate sense of relief.

I did it. I saved her.

I leaned down and kissed Bella's lips. They tasted like blood. I closed my eyes, savoring the flavor. I had fought to overcome the temptation of her blood for so long, and I would never have to fear a loss of control again. I cupped my hand around her face, twining her soft hair in my fingers, and swept my thumb over her soft cheek. I rested my forehead against hers, breathing in her scent.

Her lips were still a bluish color that almost matched the bruises under her eyes, and her skin was cool to the touch. I had craved her touch for four years, and regardless of the circumstances, I had her in my arms once again. I vowed at that exact moment to never let her slip through my hands again. I must have said it out loud, because Carlisle chose that moment to remind me of the horror I had caused. His voice quiet, but accusing.

"I can't believe you did this."

I released my hold on Bella and stood up, running my hand down her arm and took hold of her hand. I met his eyes. The look in them diminished a bit of my joy; they looked tortured.

"She didn't want this."

Carlisle sat in a chair and rubbed his forehead with both hands, shaking his head back and forth. He pounded his fist on the desk, breaking the top in an uncharacteristic show of anger—all self-directed.

"I never should have left her. I knew how fragile she was—how devastated she would be by your reaction, but I left her alone."

He pushed himself up from his chair and started pacing the room.

"I know you've seen my memories of Bella, but I don't think it can compare to what I've been experiencing with her."

He stood over Bella, his thoughts filled with shame and grief. He tucked some of her hair behind her ear, and then crossed over to the sink and wet a towel. He brought it over to Bella and began to wash away the blood on her face, revealing a face that was harder, somehow, than I remembered.

"She's not the same girl you knew, Edward." I took the cloth from his hands, wanting to be the one to take care of her. "She's been severely depressed, and as you know, this wasn't her first attempt at suicide." He sighed. "I'm very afraid of her reaction. When she found out we saved her before, she went crazy."

I ran warm water and made sure the temperature was comfortable for her. I pulled the blanket away to clean the blood off her arm. The gash, stitched with black thread, was ugly against her smooth skin. It emphasized Carlisle's point that Bella was different. The Bella I knew would never have given up so easily. I gently scrubbed her arm, erasing the blood. Carlisle stood watching me and continued.

"When you become a vampire, you bring over the best and the worst from your human life. What you were is essentially amplified. My biggest worry is that Bella will carry over the depression and anger. She didn't want to live out her natural life, eighty years or so, and now she will be immortal. I don't know how she will accept it." Carlisle sat back down in the chair, his head in his hands.

I finished cleaning her arm, listening to Carlisle. I understood what he said about bringing over your human qualities to your vampire life, but I couldn't picture anything but the Bella in my memories—sweet, loving, smart, brave. She'd wanted this once. She'd wanted to be with me forever. I would make her understand how wrong I was and how sorry I was to have hurt her.

I held her hand in mine, remembering how wonderful it felt when she touched me. Her nails were covered in blood, and it had soaked into her cuticles. No matter how much I rubbed I couldn't remove it. I became frantic to eliminate the proof of her devastation. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but it wouldn't disappear. Alice came up behind me and spoke quietly. I was so lost in Bella I hadn't realized she was still in the room.

"I'll do it, Edward."

I held onto Bella's hand for a minute, not wanting to let go of it. Then I nodded and swallowed hard. My throat suddenly felt very full. The relief I'd felt over saving her was rapidly being replaced by the realization of what I had done. I hadn't thought for one second about what Bella wanted. I made the decision for me.

I gently pulled back the blanket covering her leg and wiped away the blood there. With each swipe I cursed myself for what I had done. I had cursed Bella to a life I never wanted for her. I froze over her, my head bowed, my shoulder taut with self-hatred.

How could I be so selfish?

I looked up at Alice, lovingly cleaning Bella's nails. She met my eyes, and I couldn't resist asking her a question I wasn't entirely sure I wanted an answer to.

"Is everything going to be okay?"

Her eyes became very guarded. I read her thoughts, and I wasn't reassured.

"I don't know."

But she did know. She saw Bella angry, exactly like Carlisle was afraid of, she saw her leaving.

I fought against the pain her vision caused me and squeezed my eyes shut, as if I could block out what I saw in her mind.

"I love her, Alice. I can't live without her."

Alice nodded her eyes sad. "I know you do. My only hope is that I know she can't live without you either. That's why we're standing over her right now."

Alice was in pain, as well. She knew deep inside her that Bella wouldn't forgive her this time.

We finished up quietly with Carlisle watching us. Alice left the room with one last touch to Bella's cheek, apologies filling her head. Carlisle seemed to have pulled himself together. I glanced at his face and wondered aloud.

"Why is she so still?" I became worried. "Shouldn't she be in pain?" I didn't want that, but that's how it always worked before.

"Listen to her heart; it's so strong. I don't know why she's not in pain, but I'm glad. I want her suffering to be over. I don't want to see her in pain anymore."

Carlisle tucked the blanket tightly around her. "Just like you're my son, Bella is my daughter. I love her, too, Edward, and I can't see my children suffering and not feel the hurt myself. Let's be happy she's not in pain right now, because I'm sure it won't last."

I was happy she wasn't suffering because of the change. I just wanted some assurance it had worked.

Carlisle wanted to talk to me more, but I put my hand up to stop him.

"Can I be alone with her, please?"

He hesitated but nodded, put his hand on my shoulder, gave it a squeeze, and left the room, closing the door gently behind him.

I must have stood by Bella for hours, replaying all my memories of her. She was so still. I knew the pain had to be horrific, but she hadn't moved. Maybe I'd been too late. I found myself praying to God, something I hadn't done in decades. I prayed she would be okay. Even if she chose to leave me I just wanted her to be okay.

As if my prayers had been answered Bella moved, first her fingers twitched in my hand and then her eyes fluttered. I was so thankful but then the screaming started. I tried to comfort her.

"It's okay, baby. It'll be over soon."

Her eyes were wide open but unseeing. She began writhing against the pain, her teeth clenched so tightly I could hear them grinding together. I felt helpless. Carlisle must have heard her screams and came into the room with Esme and Alice close behind.

Alice put her arms around me, trying to comfort me, but it was no use. I couldn't stand seeing Bella in pain this way. Carlisle came and stood next to me, watching Bella try and fight the pain.

"Why don't you take a break?" he suggested. I shook my head.

"I can't leave her."

"Just step away for a while. We we'll sit with her."

Bella let out a piercing scream, and it struck me like lightening. I didn't want to leave, but all of a sudden I couldn't stay. Guilt was choking me. I backed out of the room and closed the door behind me. I slid down the wall next to it, burying my head in my knees. I sat there and listened to Bella fighting the change I had forced on her.

Hours, or maybe days later, I had lost all sense of time listening to her suffering; I finally moved away from the door, stumbled up the stairs, and went outside. I gripped the railing in my hands and pulled in a cleansing breath. The sun was setting behind me, and the purple light surrounding me worked as a balm for the self-hatred inside. I knew it was too late for regret. I needed to accept what was and be there for Bella when she woke up. I sat down hard in one of the chairs, tired from the stress.

I wrapped my hand around my face, my forefinger and thumb pressing mercilessly into my temples. My head was so full of emotions it ached. I rubbed my hand down my face and leaned forward in the chair, resting my head in my hands.

Emmett sat down in the chair next to me. We hadn't had a chance to talk at all. He cracked his knuckles, and I cringed when he thought he'd really like to punch me.

"You look like hell."

I didn't glance over at him, but I answered. "This surprises you?"

Emmett laughed, the sound hollow without a single touch of his usual humor.

"What the hell, Edward?"

I knew what he was asking; it was plain in his thoughts, but I had no excuse for my reaction to finding out Bella was here. They may not blame me for the drugs, but they sure as hell blamed me for her suicide. I blamed myself. How stupid could I have been? I kept my head in my hands and made fists in my hair.

Emmett sat back and rested his head on the back of the chair. I sat back, as well, and we silently stared at the sky as the stars started coming out, until I became uncomfortable with his thoughts. It was impossible for any of them to not think of the wreck Bella had been.

"I thought I was protecting her," I said quietly in my defense.

He rolled his head my way. "Yeah, well, it didn't work out that way. Did it?"

"No—but Emmett, I never thought she would react so badly. I thought she would get over me. I never imagined she would fall into a human world as dangerous as ours." I closed my eyes and covered them with my hand before continuing quietly.

"Was she really found in a place as bad as you showed me?" The day they found her popped back in his head, and I reeled forward in pain.

"Oh, God." I wrapped my arms around my stomach.

"It was probably worse, Edward. We were so worried about getting her out of there alive we didn't check it out that well. I know she was with some dangerous people."

I became more distressed. I appreciated the thoughts of violence towards those people in Emmett's head, though.

"No matter how guilty you feel for her state you have to know you aren't responsible. Don't you? Bella accepts that she made those decisions on her own."

I did feel guilt though. It filled me. Emmett continued.

"If Charlie hadn't died she probably would have made it, but his death destroyed her. If anyone is to blame it's Victoria. I'll relish being able to murder that bitch."

I heard a shadow of my old friend in those words. It had been hard listening to the blame in my family's thoughts. The guilt I alone felt was overwhelming, but their censure was worse. I knew Emmett was right. I wasn't directly responsible for her choices, but I was guilty of leaving her and of changing her without her consent.

I never wanted it to be like this. It wasn't easy to leave. It was harder to stay away, but I only did it to protect her. That failure would stay with me forever.

"Carlisle thinks she's going to resent me for having changed her." I was reluctant to put Alice's words out there, but I did. My voice so low it was barely a whisper. "Alice sees her leaving."

Emmett shrugged. He didn't know how she would react.

"The only thing I do know with any certainty is that Bella's unpredictable. We've seen that over and over again since we brought her home. Most days I don't think she knows how to feel, but somehow you both need to find a way to put it all behind you. It may never be the same, but you love her, don't you?"

"Of course I love her. I never stopped."

"Yeah, well I'd bet everything I own she loves you, too. The real issue is whether she'll accept that you love her. She may not believe you. She may never trust you."

His words turned me to ice. What if she couldn't trust me? What if she wouldn't allow me to explain?

What if she didn't care?

"Look Edward—I'm going to be straight with you—I've been your brother for seventy-five years, but if you hurt her again I guarantee you'll never escape me. I'll never stop making you pay. This is your one chance. If you can't promise me that, then leave now, and Rose and I will do everything in our power to help her heal."

Emmett meant every word. I knew deep in my heart I could never hurt her again. The memory of those four desolate years was burned in my brain. I could never live without her. That thought alone threatened to destroy me.

"I promise." I looked over at him, hoping he could see the fervent promise in my eyes.

"I don't know how to live without her."

I sat outside alone until the ache to see Bella threatened to overwhelm me. I had condemned her to become a vampire, and I owed it to her to be there by her side. I owed her a lot more than that, but I at least needed her to know I was there and always would be, whether she was aware of it or not.

I slipped into the room quietly. Bella was still, but her entire body was stiff with the pain. I stood next to Esme who was sitting on a stool near the head of the table. Either she or Alice had changed Bella's clothes and finished cleaning her up. Some of the color had returned to her lips, and that alone made me feel better about my doubts that I had been too late.

I stared at Bella's face. She was so beautiful. I still couldn't believe how badly I'd messed up. Bella may never forgive me, and I came to accept that as I had sat staring up at the stars. How could I expect her forgiveness when I would never forgive myself? I was essentially a murderer.

Esme clasped my hand in hers and gave me a gentle tug, wanting my attention. I was terrified to look at her—afraid of what I would see in her eyes. I tried to block out her thoughts as well, but it was too hard.

"Everything will be fine."

Esme's thoughts were always exceptionally kind. She loved me, and I loved her as if she were my biological mother. I shook my head.

"I'm afraid of losing her forever," I admitted truthfully.

Bella's eyes came wide open when I spoke, as if she recognized my voice.

In that moment before her mind told her all wasn't right with her body, she looked at me, her eyes clear. She reached her hand out to me and cried out in pain. Seeing her in pain tore at me. I winced, remembering the torture I felt when Carlisle changed me. I gently held her hand, not wanting to cause her any more agony.

"Bella, I know your pain is great. It's almost over. I'm so sorry." I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her palm.

She let out an earth-shattering scream and pulled her hand away, twisting her body sideways in an attempt to escape the pain. Esme stepped out of the way, and I pulled Bella back down to the table. She flung out her hands at me, pushing against my chest with a strength I'd never felt from her.

She arched her back away from the pain that was making her an animal. I lifted her to my chest and held her close, whispering anything I could think of to calm her. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. In the times I had witnessed a change, Rosalie's and Emmett's, it hadn't been like this. They hadn't fought like Bella was now, but I didn't give up. I held her close until she calmed again. I knew the pain hadn't stopped, but she had lost consciousness again.

…And so continued the pattern for two long days.

I never left her side again. My family came and went, supporting me by removing the blame from their thoughts. It was still there, but they didn't use it as a means to hurt me. As the change drew to completion I started experiencing a nervousness I'd never experienced before. I heard her heartbeat begin to pick up and called my family. Everyone wanted to be there when she was reborn into immortality. I appreciated their support, whether it was for her or me.

I was watching Bella closely, waiting for her to open her eyes, when her fingers twitched.

"She moved." Alice interrupted the silence. "It won't be long now."

I nodded. A fleeting thought came to mind that I couldn't stay, but I gathered all the courage I had. I was under no illusion this was going to be easy for Bella—or me for that matter. All I knew was that I loved her with every inch of my being and I was willing to do whatever I had to do to convince her of that truth.

Bella's heart started pounding out a furious beat, and her back arched up off the table as if her heart was being pulled out. And then it stopped.

Silence.

No one moved. We all waited for Bella to open her eyes, but she didn't open them right away. In fact, she squeezed them shut even tighter. I had hoped that once she was changed I would be able to read her thoughts, but I couldn't.

Carlisle touched my arm propelling me forward. I stepped closer to her and reached out gingerly to touch her arm, afraid of frightening her.

"She's aware. Say something—anything."

His thoughts came through clearly, but my mouth was suddenly dry, and I couldn't. Carlisle came up beside me and simply said her name. She jerked in response but didn't open her eyes. I couldn't resist touching her any longer. I reached out and ran my finger down her arm with the slightest touch I could.

Bella gasped and vaulted up off the bed, scaring me with the unexpected movement. She went into a defensive crouch and backed up into the wall, her eyes still shut tightly. Carlisle tried to reassure her.

"Bella, I know this feels very confusing, but you're okay. You're safe."

Bella opened her eyes and instantly met mine. They were so red they glowed. I reached out my hand for her. She backed up even further and looked around frantically. I stepped closer, getting ready to take her in my arms and tell her I loved her.

"Bella-."

She let out a screech. "Nooo!"

She slammed her hands against the wall and ran past Emmett. Before he could stop her, she busted the door open and skidded over the pieces of broken door in her haste to escape.

The look of hatred on her face before she ran out washed over me and felt heavy on my shoulders. I leaned my arms on the table and hung my head. My jaw felt tight. I could hear the others yelling in their thoughts for me to react.

I knew deep in the pit of my stomach that I'd her hurt her too much for her to ever want me again, but I also knew no matter how much she hated me I couldn't let her walk out of my life without a fight. I loved her and would go to the ends of the earth to prove my love to her, even if it took forever.

And without a second thought, I ran after her.

xoxoxo

Tune in next week...Bella wakes up.

A million thanks to Jessypt! Thanks for letting me second guess myself! I like the ending so much more! BTW- If you aren't reading Jessypt's Winter Song to do it now! I LOVE her story! (I love everything she writes- I am so lucky she's helping me!)

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