Sorry this is late! Better late than crappy!

I owe half of the credit for this chapter to Jessypt!

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 17- Some Kind of Nerve

I've been calling

For years and years and years and years

And you never left me no messages

You never send me no letters

You've got some kind of nerve

Taking all our love.

Lost and Insecure

you found me, you found me

Lying on the floor

Where were you? Where were you?

Why'd you have to wait

To find me

To find me

-You Found Me The Fray

Bella POV

I was feeling sated from hunting and more comfortable in my new skin when I stepped out of the shower. I was drying my hair when I heard the music. The melody floated through the air and hit me like a ton of bricks. The memory it brought back wasn't vague and murky like others I'd had. It was strong and clear. The overwhelming feelings I'd felt that day sitting next to him, listening to him play a song he wrote for me, came flooding back. Despite the danger of him being a vampire I had been so drawn to him even then. It was as if my soul had recognized him immediately as its mate. At one time, I would have forgiven him anything.

I didn't want to forgive him now.

I could never be that innocent child again, swept away by her first feelings of love. I let love fuck me over once, and I wasn't about to go back to feeling like I was lost again. I remembered the pain, the empty desolate place I was when I cut myself, but I also remembered how it felt to touch him and laugh with him. I remembered his kiss and the wry quirk of his smile.

His words had followed me out of the house. I would have turned around if Rosalie hadn't stopped me. They stuck in my mind while I tried to concentrate on hunting.

"I just want to tell her I love her."

Did he truly love me? Why did those words have to confuse me so? Did I love him even though he had hurt me? I didn't know if I could ever let myself be in the position to be hurt by him again. I did know I could never let myself need him again to survive. I needed to be strong enough to speak to him and not fall into his arms.

I stood by the door gathering my courage for longer than should have been necessary, the music clouding my resolve.

I wanted to escape. I wanted to run to him.

I wanted to talk. I wanted to refuse him.

I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hit him.

The indecision was killing me. I took a deep breath, not because I needed it, but out of habit, and opened the door, steeled against the tender feelings I had. I focused on my anger. It was what needed to be addressed first.

The lights were all off and the only one in the room was him. I was glad for that at least. I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions I felt concerning Carlisle and Alice, but on the other hand, there would be no buffers for the conversation we needed to have.

I walked over to the piano and was caught off guard by the longing inside of me. He sat there with his eyes closed; the beauty of the music was nothing compared to him sitting there, highlighted by the bright moonlight glinting through the windows. I rested my hands on the top of the piano and waited for him to acknowledge me. He opened his eyes, and they widened when he saw my face. I stood there for a moment, locked in his gaze, and then turned and walked out into the dark night. I needed space to do this.

I slowly walked down to the river and stood there waiting for him. He came after me much faster and stopped at my side. He reached out his hand to touch me, and I jerked away. It was too much. If he touched me I would lose my resolve and fall into his arms like the pathetic child I used to be. We stood there quietly, not even a heartbeat any longer to count the passing time. I finally turned my head to the side, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

"Bella, I don't know how to even begin to apologize to you." His voice was sad.

"I don't need your apologies." I looked down at my hands. "Rosalie told me I needed to listen to you, to let you explain, so here I am. Explain."

He reached for me again, but I pulled away and faced him. "Don't touch me." My voice sounded so cold.

He pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair. "I lied to you."

I wanted to ask about what, but he continued before I could.

"I told you the most grievous lie ever, and you believed me so easily. I told you I didn't want you and that has never been even remotely true."

I felt a moment of confusion pushing through my anger. I didn't know how to respond to that.

"I only left you because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I thought I was protecting you."

Rage conquered the confusion, and I heard my voice rising with each word that came out of my mouth. "What made you think it was your decision to make? Why can't you just be honest with yourself and admit that you are using that as an excuse? You didn't want me, and instead of just breaking up with me you chose to take everything away and leave me there broken."

Ahh! I sounded so pathetic. I continued.

"I should have done what you wanted. I should have wiped you from my memory and moved on, but I didn't. I lost myself and let you ruin my life."

He looked so devastated by my words. "A minute never passed when I didn't think of you. I've spent the last four years making myself stay away from you when all I wanted was to be in your arms."

"Why? Just tell me why, Edward! This crap about protecting me by staying away isn't good enough. What was the point?"

He paced back and forth, his hands in his hair.

"I needed to know you were going to stay alive. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist, and when Jasper attacked you on your birthday I was overcome by fear that I couldn't keep you safe. My very nature, and that of my family, was a danger to you. Each time I kissed your lips I had to be conscious of not crushing you. One wrong move and I would have killed you. I couldn't live with the fear each time I was close to you."

I crossed my arms and looked up at the sky. My voice was smaller and calmer.

"You could have changed me."

"No, I couldn't! How could I ever have subjected you to a life like mine?" He was the one to yell.

"What do you mean? I am standing here before you a vampire. What's the difference between now and four years ago? You let them change me, and now I am what you never wanted me to be."

He shook his head and murmured. "I didn't let them change you."

I stared at him. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't let them change you; I did it. Carlisle and Alice tried to stop me, but I couldn't let you die. I need you to understand how much I need you, Bella."

He changed me? I couldn't make sense of this. He never wanted me to become a vampire, but he made the decision to do it anyway?

I was so mad I wanted to lash out at him. I wanted to physically hurt him, and keeping those volatile emotions in check was becoming harder and harder with each word he said. Was all the pain he put me through for nothing? He destroyed me with four little words—I don't want you.

I stood there rubbing my hands up and down my jeans and started pacing. Minutes went by, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't get a coherent thought out. I looked up at the moon and stopped.

"Why couldn't you have at least sent me a letter or an email or called to see if I was okay? Where were you when my life was falling apart? Why didn't you even check to see if I was alright?" I spit the words at him. "You destroyed every hope and dream I had when you left. You threw my love away like it was trash."

I threw my arms up. It was like four years of pent up anger and hurt was erupting, and I was powerless to stop it. "What do you want from me?" I didn't let him answer I just kept going, refusing to look at his face. "Do you want me to just forget how badly you hurt me? How because of you my father is dead? You left me to protect me but never even checked to see if I was safe. Do you want me to forget what you said and how you reacted when you saw me three days ago? How were you protecting me then?"

I crossed my arms. "Tell me Edward. What do you want from me?" I stared at him, waiting for an answer.

His eyes were filled with pain, and I felt myself weaken. I was so sick of pain. Not just mine, but the pain I was causing. It was a sick cycle that needed to end. He reached for me, and I took a step back. But he pressed on, moving slowly, and when he touched my arm with just his finger I felt a long forgotten jolt of energy flow through me. He ran his hand down my forearm, and I swallowed at the pleasure it brought me.

I was so confused. I was still angry, but I wanted him, too. He was right here, and it was like a missing piece of my life was in front of me. All I had to do was reach out to become whole again. Except I knew it wasn't that simple, that a single touch, a few whispered words of apology wouldn't erase four years of pain and sorrow. He slid his fingers between mine, holding my hand loosely, and pulled me into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I can never say it enough. Please don't leave me. Give me a chance." He whispered his words.

He held me tight while I fought a battle inside of me not to succumb to him again. His touch made me weak. I leaned into his chest, and the scent of him filled me. I felt a sob well up inside of me, and I lost it. I tried to push away, but he held fast, pulling me that much closer. I was strong enough to break his hold, but I didn't. Instead I just hit him and hit him, pounding my fists on his chest and shoulders while he whispered I'm sorry over and over again into my hair. I could tell I was hurting him, but he didn't try to stop me.

I felt my knees go weak, and I would have collapsed if he hadn't held me up.

Why couldn't I destroy him like he did me?

We stood there, his arms wrapped around me for a long time. Releasing my anger had felt good, but there were still unanswered questions. I had used up my strength and needed to walk away to process everything we had said and truly decide what I wanted. I still loved him despite everything.

Slowly, I wriggled free of his embrace, feeling lighter but just as confused as I had before our conversation. Edward didn't resist this time; he released me and took a step back. I knew there was more to be said, that by the look on his face he was hurting and desperate for resolution, but I just wasn't ready.

I turned and began walking back toward the house when he called after me. I stopped, took a deep breath, and looked over my shoulder.

"Bella, I will never forgive myself for leaving you, and because of that I can't ask for your forgiveness." He paused and looked down, his feet shuffling in an uncharacteristic display of uncertainty before he looked back up at me. "But I honestly don't know how to live without you. I am nothing when I don't have you by my side." His eyes glowed with conviction. "You're everything to me. I love you, and I promise you I will never fail you again."

I nodded, my lips parted in thought.

"What did you say?"

I hadn't said anything. His head swung around behind us toward the woods. His body tensed, and he rushed toward me, grabbing my hand as he pulled me toward the house.

We had just made it inside when he began yelling.

"Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle!"

Emmett and Jasper came thundering down the stairs with Rosalie and Alice following close behind. Carlisle and Esme came out of their room, their hands clasped together.

I could hear the panic in Edward's voice, but I was confused.

"I heard them. They're here."

xoxoxo

Another cliffhanger! I can't seem to help it!

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