Chapter 19- The Lonely

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely

Bella POV

I stood outside, surrounded - Alice and Rosalie on either of my sides and Jasper and Emmett in front. I heard my teeth grinding and felt every muscle in my body strain as I fought to get loose.

"Bella, you need to calm down," Rosalie whispered in my ear.

I wanted to spring at the vampires and tear them to shreds. I felt out of control. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but a battle was raging inside of me. I wanted to demand to know where Victoria was. I wanted to get in a car and find her. I wanted to kill her, and I didn't need anyone telling me I couldn't.

I waded through the murky depths of my human memories and held fast to the ones of my father. His quiet love and steadfast strength were taken away from me by that vindictive bitch, and I vowed to eliminate her from the face of the Earth or die trying.

I wasn't afraid of dying. I never had been. I'd once looked at it as an escape, and if death was what it took to avenge him than I would accept it.

While I seethed with anger at their connection to Victoria, Carlisle and Esme invited Bree and Diego into their home. They were the enemy, and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Rosalie nudged my arm to follow her when Alice stepped into my path. "Bella…"

I looked directly in her eyes and walked around her. What could I say to her? I wasn't prepared. I was too overwhelmed by the emotions inside me to separate them enough to be able to talk to her. Edward said she'd tried to stop him from changing me. I remembered being mad that she'd saved me before, but why was I hurt that she didn't want to save me this time? Everything was too mixed up in my head, and I was finding it hard to even figure out what I was feeling. Anything I would have said would have come out all wrong.

The hurt in her eyes made me feel like a horrible person. I glanced over my shoulder to see her and Jasper sprinting off into the woods. I sighed and followed Rosalie up the stairs. Emmett pulled me from my thoughts with his booming enthusiasm for video games. I saw right through their obvious plan to distract me but gave in and stayed with them.

I sat watching Emmett and Rosalie play Wii Wipeout. I didn't know what it was about the game or the TV show that amused him so much. Maybe it was the big balls and all the dirty jokes he could make talking about them. Either way, I was glad I couldn't blush anymore. He would've been even worse with his vulgarity if I could've. I didn't give him the encouragement of a laugh, but I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I rolled my eyes when he tossed me the remote.

I played the game, but my heart wasn't in it. Playing a competitive game with them was like being an ant under a stampede of shoes. There was no way I wasn't going to get crushed. They were trying to distract me with their pity invite, but it wasn't working. I listened to Emmett and Rosalie's bickering but could also hear Carlisle and Edward's voices as they questioned the two vampires downstairs.

I wanted to be down there listening to everything they were saying. I wanted to know where Victoria was, and I didn't for two seconds think Edward would volunteer that information.

I stood for my turn but quickly fell off the obstacle, so I could go back to my corner of the couch and eavesdrop some more.

I heard Alice and Jasper come in the house. When they went into the trees I assumed they went hunting, but they hadn't been gone very long. Even though I had fed earlier I still felt the burning thirst in my throat when I thought of hunting.

I watched them as they walked into their room, but they didn't look at me. Alice looked upset, and my first instinct was to go to her. It was such a strange feeling. I wanted to go to her; I wanted to make things right, but I was so scared. I didn't want to need her.

Alongside the clearest memories of my father are the ones of my friendship with Alice and falling in love with Edward. Those three relationships along with the one I had with my mother were the ones that defined my life. I'd lost my father; my new life made it impossible to see my mother, but I had eternity to create new connections, to recreate my relationship with Alice and Edward. My immortality put me on an equal level with them. I was no longer the weak human. I just needed to figure out how to begin to mend all the wounds.

I heard Edward coming up the stairs and closed my eyes. When he touched me outside I was struck by the energy surrounding him. I was still drawn to him in an unexplainable way. I could feel his gaze on me, but I didn't turn to face him. He went into Alice's room. I was a little let down that he didn't come in and join us and wished he had. I was surprised by that. I realized I didn't feel as angry with him as I had.

I was mostly angry with myself.

I had tried to kill myself. I had taken drugs. I had destroyed my life. Not Edward and definitely not Alice. I had blamed everyone for my choices, and I needed to stop.

"Are you playing, Bella?"

Rosalie pulled me from my self-contemplation.

"Uh-yeah." I reluctantly stood up and restarted the first obstacle course. Emmett thought it would be more sporting if he launched balls at my character while I tried to navigate the big balls. I fell off, of course. I hated that game.

"Poor Bella, do big balls scare you?" Emmett rolled with laughter at his innuendo.

"Seriously Emmett, what is with you and balls today?" I threw a pillow at his laughing face and flopped back down on the couch.

I heard the door to Alice and Jasper's room open and close, and felt, rather than saw, Edward approach from behind. I curled myself into the corner of the couch. I guess I'd gotten my wish. I was nervous of what he was going to say. Rose came over to sit next to me, but I pushed her butt away with my hand as she was sitting down. She almost tumbled from the strength of my push.

I didn't need a watchdog and subtlety didn't work with her.

She cocked her eyebrow at me but moved away from the couch.

I looked over at him and met his black eyes. He needed to hunt. He broke the contact before I did and asked if he could join the game.

Emmett was delighted. He handed Edward a remote and slapped him on the back, almost knocking him over.

Emmett clapped his hands together. "Alright, man, let's see if you can conquer my big red balls!"

I rolled my eyes again. Rosalie was sitting in the chair I usually sat in with her legs crossed, giving me her best bitch stare. Edward sat on the couch with me but on the other end, a cushion separating us. He grinned over at me, and I couldn't help but think the moment felt very high-school.

I declined to play that round and just watched Edward. I didn't even try to be subtle. I was engrossed in his every movement. He would glance over at me occasionally, but he mostly paid attention to the game. Every time he would laugh or smile at the game I felt my temperature rise.

Maybe we didn't need to fall back into the same relationship we'd had. Maybe I wanted more than the tainted past filled with sweet gestures and handholding innocence. I watched the muscles in his back flexing under his t-shirt as he played and felt an overwhelming urge to touch him.

I wanted to feel connected to him, but emotionally I was too scared. What I needed, and knew was the missing component that would help me heal, was trust.

Trust in me, trust in him, trust in the love I felt, but mostly trust that I wasn't going to be abandoned again. He said he loved me, but most importantly, before I could decide how I felt I needed to figure out if I could truly put aside the pain I had felt and take a chance.

I lost track of time as I waded through the thoughts swirling in my head. I could think of so many things at once, but instead of coming up with any solutions I was just creating more things to worry about. It was becoming harder to remember what was so hard to get over. I blinked my eyes to clear them and read the clock on the cable box. It was 2:00 a.m.

I stood up, and everyone looked at me. I excused myself. I wanted to say I was going to bed, but I swallowed the words, remembering that I didn't need to sleep. Edward stood as I left the room but didn't say anything or follow me.

I felt tired as I walked down the stairs and wanted to go to sleep. I wanted my brain to stop for a while and recharge. It was such an odd feeling. I went into my room and closed the door gently behind me. I opened my drawers and pulled out my most comfortable pajamas and changed into them. I couldn't sleep, but I could definitely find some comfort bundled up in my blankets. I started to lie down but instead pulled the feather comforter off the bed and wrapped up in it. The cool cotton felt good around my body. I sat down in the chair in front of the window and closed my eyes.

The thoughts kept trying to creep back into my brain, but I wanted them to go away for a while. I focused instead on a vision of the beach. I imagined myself lying in the warm sand, the grains shifting around my body to form a perfect frame of support. I imagined the sun shining on my skin, the sound of the waves crashing and the seagulls calling, and the scent of the salty air. I wiped away all thoughts of anything else and felt my body relaxing.

I don't know how long I sat there until a knock at the door pulled me from my meditation. I knew I didn't need to let anyone in, but I did anyway, calling out softly "Come in."

Edward opened the door and looked at me. "Can I join you?"

I nodded and tried to swallow some of my nervousness.

He sat in the chair next to me and smiled at my cocoon. "Are you cold?"

I smiled and pushed the comforter down from around my face. "No, it just feels good."

We sat there together in silence just looking outside. I wanted to say so much, but I was afraid. I held my silence.

I felt his gaze on me, and I looked over. He looked so conflicted. He probably felt the same way I did, afraid to say the wrong thing.

He sighed. "You asked me a question outside, and I didn't have a chance to answer you."

I swallowed.

"You wanted to know what I want from you."

He stood from the chair and came over to me, kneeling in front of me. He didn't trap me in the chair, and he didn't try to touch me. He looked up at me, the moonlight made the dark circles under his eyes more prominent.

"I want a second chance, Bella. I want a chance to make a new life with you."

I closed my eyes and reached out to touch his face. He was warm. I wasn't expecting that. His hand came up and rested on top of mine holding my palm against his cheek.

I opened my eyes and met his. "I'm scared Edward." I hesitated knowing my next words were going to hurt him. "I don't know if I can trust you."

"I will prove to you that you can. I will never leave you again, Bella."

I desperately wanted to believe him. He put his head in my lap, and his arms wrapped loosely around my hips. It felt so good to be touching him. I hugged his shoulders and laid my head on his. I wanted a second chance too, but then I remembered that it wasn't going to be that simple. We couldn't just ride off into the sunset on a white horse.

There were things that needed to be taken care of.

"What about Victoria?" All the warmth was gone from my voice.

Edward lifted his head. "I will make sure she's taken care of. Soon she will no longer foul this world with her existence. She will pay for what she did. I promise you that."

I sat silent for a minute.

"I don't want you to take care of Victoria. She's mine. I want to destroy her." I could see the worry in his eyes, but I wasn't a human any longer. I was strong and able to take her out, and I would. He wanted to argue with me.

"Edward, I'm not the same little helpless girl I once was. I am not going to be content until I've killed her."

I could feel the determination building in me, and I was sure he could see it in my eyes as he searched them.

"Okay, we'll do it like we always should have—together."

I knew what a concession he was making. It was a step in the right direction.

I stood from the chair and let the comforter fall to the ground at my feet. I pulled him up from his knees and put my arms around his waist in a loose hug. He gathered me closer and sighed when our bodies touched. I tucked my head under his chin and rested my cheek against his chest.

It felt so good to be held by him. I still hadn't forgiven him everything, but Rosalie had been right when she told me I could start my life over and make it whatever I wanted. And right then, in that moment, I just wanted to be held by Edward.

I pulled away enough to see his face. There was so much emotion in his gaze. I knew we had made a step toward finding a new connection.

"Take me hunting?"

He grinned and pulled my hand toward the door. I stopped long enough to slip on a pair of shoes and then followed him out of the house. I let go of his hand and sprinted ahead into the trees looking back to see his delighted grin.

A weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I let it go as I entered this new chapter of my life.

xoxoxo

Since we've been basically stuck in the same week for about six chapters next chapter will have a time jump-I think. I'm still working it out. My hyenas will be on Spring break next week and my bestie is coming home for the week from the wilds of NY, I may not have much time to write.

Thank you Jessypt for the brainstorming phone call. You rock, as always!

Thank you to everyone who reviews my story. I have been a major fail at sending you a reply. Please know that I read and treasure each one.

I am a bit better on Facebook, check out my page link on my profile. Twitter, too. at RachelMFZ

I also have a blog for my ff stories.

http : / bestscentever (dot) blogspot (dot) com

I will try to put something up each chapter.