Chapter 21- How to Save a Life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

-The Fray

Alice POV

Sadness. Tension. The never-ending awkwardness. It was hanging over my head like a black cloud and was beginning to suffocate me. Bella stared right through me like I was glass, and each time she did I felt like I would shatter from the pain.

Never for one minute did I regret saving her. Never for one minute did I resent Edward giving her a new life. But I did have to live with the gut-wrenching remorse that I left her in the first place—that I let Edward leave her.

I had seen their future. I knew she was destined to be a vampire. I saw her as part of Edward's—of my—future so clearly, and I still let him make the biggest mistake of his life. I have excuses, but none of them are even worthy of sharing with her.

On the night of her birthday, I saw how the devastation, his loss of control affected Jasper, and I only had concern for him. When Edward said we had to leave I went for Jasper alone and, truthfully, didn't realize how our decision would affect Bella.

I saw Edward days after we left Forks, and it was all he could do to stand on his two feet. His future became gray and so undefined it hurt to try and see anything. As for Bella, her future changed so quickly I couldn't keep up. I focused on Jasper and tried to keep him centered when he wanted to leave the family because of his great shame. I would have left with him, but it wasn't where our futures lay. I convinced him to stay. Instead, Edward left, and slowly Bella's future faded until I saw nothing more.

I'd never been as close to another human as I had been to Bella. I had assumed I couldn't see her future because it wasn't connected to ours any longer. I pushed my sadness away and figured Edward was right. She could have a full, normal human life without our interference, and no matter how much I mourned the absence of her in my life, I sought comfort in those thoughts.

When I started having the visions of Bella I was confused. Edward was living apart from us, and his future lacked her presence. The visions were infrequent, and although they showed me things I didn't want to see for her, like drugs and being hurt, I still clung to the idea that she was better off without us.

When the visions of her dying started to manifest, though, I had to act. I couldn't stand the thought of her being dead. What I hadn't expected, or maybe just ignored because I didn't want to accept, was that she would be angry because I deserted her.

I did desert her.

I never even said goodbye to her.

In some small, stupid way I thought saving her life would make up for leaving her. I thought she would be so happy to see me she would forgive everything, and our relationship would be what it had been before we left.

Not only was I stupid, I was arrogant. I totally disregarded her feelings, and because of that I lost my best friend, and quite possibly, the opportunity to be a part of her new life.

I resigned myself to being as inconspicuous as possible and watched her for days, learning how to live her new life, to hunt, to control herself, and more importantly to find the connection she and Edward once had. I didn't want to put any pressure on her to talk to me, so I kept busy with teaching Bree and Diego the same things.

I sat at the top of the stairs and listened as Bella spoke to Carlisle and Esme. I stayed quietly hidden and was awed by her grace. Every word of forgiveness was a vivid reminder of the old Bella. I thought it was a turning point and that my turn was around the corner, but all I got from her were glances and furrowed brows.

Bree was keen to learn everything about our lifestyle. She had grown up in an abusive home and had run away a few months before she was changed. Even though we were far from the normal family we were more normal that the one she grew up in. She adored Esme and looked upon Carlisle with awe. She, more than anything, wanted to be good. Diego was very protective of her, and it seemed to me he was only sticking around because of her. He acted as though he would bolt at the slightest provocation. He never shared, but I assumed from his reticence he'd had a tough life before being changed, as well, and couldn't accept that we took them in without ulterior motives.

As I spent more time with Bree I felt the tension in the house growing thicker. Jasper was ready to explode and force and Bella to talk. I knew that wouldn't accomplish what I hoped. Instead, I suggested we take Bree and Diego for a visit to Peter and Charlotte's. There was another vampire life out there from what they had experienced with Victoria, and Jasper felt it would be beneficial for them to experience it before they truly decided to commit to our lifestyle.

We discussed leaving with Carlisle. He felt it couldn't hurt and agreed with us about offering Bree and Diego a chance to see a different life. It hurt me to leave again without saying goodbye. I decided to at least leave her a note and expressed my hope that we could talk when I came home.

I wanted to be a part of her life as more than background decoration. I wanted to be her friend again. I saw a vision of her reading the note, but all she did was sit on the edge of her bed. Her future remained undefined.

Peter and Charlotte had a small house in the mountains of North Carolina. It was always nice to visit with them. While they drank human blood, they were conscientious, like Edward had been long ago, of their choice in victims.

They welcomed us with open arms. Many times I thought Jasper might have preferred to live with them, but my home—and his—was with our family. If things with Bella didn't change maybe we would go away until she was able to forgive me. I owed her whatever she wanted.

Peter was obsessed with watching the news. He could pick up subtle signs of vampire activity by the reports of violence. He, like all of us, knew the violence in Mexico was not always drug-related, like the media supposed. The clans in that area still fought battles, though more covertly than they used to.

He mentioned the reports of a suspected serial killer that had left a string of victims across Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and northern New York. The killings seemed to be progressing in a wave that moved across the Great Lakes region. The high body count and increasing number of missing person reports were both classic signs of a newborn vampire army, an army that seemed to be heading straight for our home. I was stumped as to why I wasn't seeing Victoria's plan. With the added familiarity of Irina, I should have been able to pick up on something, but my mind was quiet on that subject.

Diego and Bree decided to stay with Peter and Charlotte for the time being. They were both shocked by what we supposed was Victoria's plan and were still afraid Riley would make good on his threats to kill them. They were young, and frankly, Diego gave me no reason to trust him at my back during a battle.

We left with promises to reunite soon and started our drive back to New Hampshire. Jasper was relaxed and happy, and as soon as I started thinking about Bella, I felt the tension build in my shoulders. He brushed his hand against the top of mine, tangled our fingers, and squeezed slightly. Relaxation washed over me, and I basked in the peace as we drove home in companionable silence.

It was quite late when we arrived, and I was surprised to see Edward walk out to meet us. I could see from the way he carried himself, and the change in his face, that things between him and Bella were better. It had been hard seeing him suffer.

He reached for my bag and carried it into the house. As we started up the stairs, I couldn't help but notice the look of longing he sent to Bella's closed door. He set my bag down by the door, and Jasper and I followed him into the family room. He sat down on the couch.

"How was your trip?"

I sat down in the chair, pulling my legs up, while Jasper perched on the arm next to me.

"It was good. It's always nice to spend time with Peter and Charlotte."

"I see you left the infants with them."

"Yeah, they seemed very happy there. Diego was more relaxed, but to Peter's dismay, Bree won't hunt anything but animals." He smiled at that. "How's Bella doing?"

"She's better. She will only let me get so close though, and then she puts up a wall." He brushed his hand through his hair, his signature move of frustration, and looked up at me with sad eyes. "I desperately wish I could turn back the clock."

"Me too," I said sympathetically. I heard Carlisle come up the stairs and smiled at him. Jasper stood to greet him and he leaned over me to kiss my cheek before moving to sit next to Edward.

"I'm glad you're back," Carlisle said.

"I'm glad to be back."

Edward sat forward. "Have you seen the news?"

I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, we saw some of the coverage CNN was reporting last night. It looks as if it won't be long before we see Victoria."

"Have you seen anything?" Carlisle asked me.

"No, nothing. Peter is worried about the attention the killings are garnering. Actually, he's more worried about the Volturi getting involved."

Carlisle shook his head. "I wouldn't be worried about that happening, but I should send a note to Aro informing him about Bella."

"It's probably a good thing you left Diego and Bree with Peter and Charlotte. Having to explain three new additions to our family probably wouldn't go over very well."

Edward was right. I hadn't had any experience with the Volturi, but from what Carlisle had told us, they wouldn't look favorably upon a family of our size, especially if they discovered our gifts.

"I'll try to watch for Aro's decisions as well, but if I start looking for too much I'm going to miss things."

Carlisle put his hand on my knee. "It's not your responsibility, and we would never ask that of you. You'll see what you see, and we'll be as prepared for every eventuality as we can be. Jasper, you have experience with newborns. I think it will be beneficial for all of us to have some training if it comes to a fight, especially Bella."

Edward let out a disgruntled noise and threw his arms in the air, grabbing his hair in both hands, making Carlisle pause.

"Edward, she's determined to go after Victoria, and I believe the safest thing we can do is prepare her. She is still so unpredictable. All we need is for her to take off after her with no idea what she's up against. At least if she's had some training she'll be more aware of what she'll be facing."

Jasper hung his head down, not meeting Edward's eyes. "I agree with Carlisle. Not to mention right now she's the strongest vampire on our side. We're outnumbered, and we're going to need her strength to even the odds."

"No! This is ridiculous!" Edward yelled and jumped up, throwing Carlisle's hand off his shoulder when he tried to comfort him. "She is not going to fight Victoria or anyone. I am not going to lose her."

Edward's eyes were wild, his chest puffed up like he was ready to fight us all. I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Bella. She was standing quietly at the top of the stairs looking at us. Her eyes had faded from the bright red they had been and glowed more orange, like a blazing fire. She held my gaze for a second and then moved over to Edward's side. She put her hand on his arm. He was so focused on his anger he jumped, unaware she was there.

"I agree with Carlisle. I do need some training." She pulled Edward down on the sofa and held his hand, rubbing it softly to calm him down. "I'm not going to go after Victoria alone. I promised you that, but I've seen the news reports, too, and I know they're coming. I should at least be able to defend myself. Maybe even kick some ass."

Edward's jaw clenched and his teeth were grinding, but he knew as well as we did that teaching Bella was the right thing to do. Bella patted his leg, kissed the back of his hand, and looked up into my eyes. She stood from the sofa and started to walk away. My heart sank again until she turned around.

Her voice was unsure and wavered with uncertainty. "Alice, can I talk to you alone?" I jumped up, eager to finally get the chance to do this, and followed her to her room.

She stood by the door and gestured me in and over to the chairs sitting in front of the window. She pulled a fleece blanket off the foot of her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. We stayed that way for a while before she spoke in a quiet voice.

"I have to be completely honest with you. I don't know how to feel anymore. I think I feel one way and then another emotion comes out of left field and whacks me over the head. I just know that I don't want to live my life like this. I can't have this tension between us, but I am mad and hurt and don't know how to reconcile those feelings."

I moved forward to the edge of the chair. This was my chance to apologize and maybe make her understand how much she meant to me.

"Bella, I can see visions of the future, but more than anything I wish I had the ability to go back in time. I would change everything that happened after your birthday if I could. There are also a lot of things I wouldn't change. I wouldn't change getting a chance to know you."

"I would change what you and Edward were… are. You changed Edward in so many ways, and I have always seen you in his future. You're his soul mate. If I had taken the time to stand up to him when he wanted to leave you none of this would have happened."

I blew out a slow, long breath, looking down and then back up at her. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I could make you see just how much, but I will never regret saving you from death that day in New York or for letting Edward change you. That wasn't the way your story was supposed to end."

Bella sat in the chair next to me with her forehead pressed against her pulled-up knees, her eyes closed. I didn't know what else to say, so I sat there waiting until she mumbled into her knees.

"I need you, Alice. I need Edward. I need this whole family, and that scares me more than facing a pack of newborns on my own. Nothing that could ever happen to me could hurt more than losing you all again. I can't leave and go out on my own because I can't live apart from him…you again. But you all left me once without a single glance over your shoulders. How am I supposed to ever be assured it won't happen again? That I won't wake up one day and find you all gone again?

"I sit alone in my room every night aching to be in Edward's arms, but I'm too afraid."

I didn't even know how to respond to the hurt and fear in her voice. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I will never do that to you, Bella, and Edward would rather die than hurt you again. I don't know how to rebuild your trust."

She shook her head. "Me neither. I can't trust any of you. I'm so scared."

How do I do it? How do we prove ourselves? It was a mind-boggling question. It was also a horrible feeling to remember how she had blindingly trusted me once and that our actions ruined her innocence. We took away a part of her that was once so pure and beautiful. We made her into the girl she had become, and we had to accept that. All we could do was prove, with every action, every day for the next hundred years, that we would never leave her.

xoxoxo

It looks like it's taking me two weeks to knock these chapters out. I hope they're worth the wait. Please (I may resort to begging soon) leave me a review and tell me what your thinking.

Thank you to my beta Jessypt for adding one word into a sentence that doesn't work and making it perfect and exactly what I wanted to say. Your help and guidance means so much to me.

Also I won 1st place popular vote for my entry in the Hope Springs Eternal 2012 contest, Cherry Blossoms and Second Chances. Check it out on my profile and leave me some love.

Summary: Torn apart by drugs and insecurity, a chance meeting in the Metro station offers them a second chance at love. Will hopeless circumstances bring them together or tear them apart forever?