"Who does she think she is?" asked Earl rhetorically, "That girl has tangled with the wrong boy. No one says 'no' to Earl P Sidebottom!"
"Darn right," said Ratticus.
"I was Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated," fumed Earl, as he threw a mug into the nearby fireplace "Why, it's more than I can bear."
"More drinks?" asked Ratticus.
"What for?" asked Earl, "Nothing helps. I'm so embarassed."
"Who? You?" asked Ratticus, "Never! Phanthom, you've got to pull yourself together..." then Ratticus broke into song.
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Earl Looking so down in the dumps Every guy here'd love to be you, Earl Even when taking your lumps
Some customers in the tavern cheered
There's no man in town as admired as you You're everyone's favorite guy Everyone's awed and inspired by you And it's not very hard to see why!
No one's slick as Sidebottom, no one's quick as Sidebottom No one's next as incredibly thick as Sidebottom For there's no man in town half as manly Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!
Ratticus pulls off a belt that was being worn by Goofy. Goofy's pants fall to the ground as Ratticus used his belt to wrap around Earl's neck, who flexes his neck and breaks the belt. As Ratticus continued singing and dancing, The Hacker, Buzz, and Delete join in.
Hacker/Buzz/Delete: No one's been like Sidebottom, a king-pin like Sidebottom
Ratticus: No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Sidebottom
Earl: As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
Hacker/Buzz/Delete:My, what a guy that Sidebottom!
Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips
Ratticus: Sidebottom is the best and the rest is all drips!
While he sang and danced while holding a can of soda, Ratticus accidently drenched Earl with some of the soda. Earl then punched Ratticus in the nose. Some of the other people in the bar tackle Earl, and a big brawl starts.
Everyone: No one fights like Sidebottom,
no one bites like Sidebottom
Kinnikuman: In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
Ashleys: For there's no one as burly and brawny
Earl: As you see I've got biceps to spare
Ratticus: Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny
Earl opened the top of his shirt, revealing a hairy chest.
Earl: That's right! And every last bit of me's covered with hair!
Earl then plays chess with Grampa Simpson. Frustrated, Earl throws the board to the ground, sending chess pieces flying.
Hacker/Buzz/Delete: No one hits like Sidebottom, matches wits like Sidebottom
Ratticus: In a spitting match, nobody spits like Sidebottom
Earl then took a bite out of Goofy's belt and chewed on the piece.
Earl: I'm especially good at expactorating! Ptooey!
Earl spat out the piece into a cuspidor, making a perfect "ding" noise.
All: Ten points for Sidebottom!
Earl then juggled some eggs.
Earl: When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs Every morning to help me get large!
And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
Ratticus tries to juggle, but he unfortunately got some egg yolk in his face instead.
All: No one shoots like Sidebottom, makes those beauts like Sidebottom
Ratticus: Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Sidebottom
Earl: I use antlers in all of my decorating!
ALL: My what a guy! Gaston!
All the sudden the song was interuppted when two familiar figures rushed into the tavern. It was Roger and Anita.
"Help!" cried Roger, "You've got to help us!"
"Help you with what?" asked Moe Syzlak the bartender.
"Please! We need your help!" cried Anita, "He's got her. He's got her locked in the dungeon."
"Who?" asked Ratticus.
"Phoebe!" replied Roger. "We must go. N-not a minute to lose!"
"Slow down Mr and Mrs Radcliffe," said Earl. "Who has Phoebe trapped in a dungeon?"
"A Digimon," replied Roger.
"A horrible monstrous Digimon," added Anita.
A pit bull named Carface asked, "Is it a big Digimon?"
"Enormous!" replied Roger.
"With a long ugly snout?" asked Raffish Ralph.
"Hideously ugly!" replied Anita.
"And sharp, cruel fangs?" asked Mortimer Mouse.
"Excactly!" replied Roger.
"Will you help us out?" asked Anita.
Earl said, "Sure, Radcliffes. We WILL help you out."
"You will?" asked Roger and Anita, "Oh thank you so much!"
Buzz and Delete then picked Roger and Anita up and tossed them out of the bar.
"Crazy old Roger and Anita," laughed Hacker. "They are always up for a good laugh!"
Earl then got an idea. He ponders, "Crazy old Roger and Anita hmmm? Crazy old Roger and Anita."
Earl then broke into song.
Earl: Ratticus, I'm afraid I've been thinking.
Ratticus: A dangerous pastime...
Earl: I know.
But those wacky old coots are Phoebe's relatives And their sanity's only so-so Now the wheels in my head have been turning Since I looked at those loony old people See I promised myself I'd be married to Phoebe,
And right now I'm evolving a plan!
Earl then whispers his plan to Ratticus.
Ratticus: Now I get it!
Earl and Ratticus: Let's go!
No one plots like Sidebottom, takes cheap shots like Sidebottom
Ratticus: Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Sidebottom
All: So his marriage we soon'll be celebrating!
My what a guy, Sidebottom!
Meanwhile, outside of the tavern, poor Roger and Anita are wandering outside in a snowstorm looking for help.
"Will anyone help us?" They asked to no one in particular.