A/N: Hey guys! I'm back. So sorry for the delay. Here is chapter 3. I am done with my vacation and the update schedule will be much more regular. (But I do work, intern, and go to grad school, so some weeks I am a little more busy than others. This was one of those weeks.) Ch 3 was another chapter I found tricky to write and I don't know how I feel about it really, but this is how it turned out. I am still deciding whether to include the latest cast spoiler in this fic and am open to input. Thank you for reading and let me know what you think!
There's a book, it's a classic, all about how can lives shatter because of arbitrary circumstances that are out of your control. The book's called Things Fall Apart. It's a great book, but the title makes it all seem so elegant. So poetic. But the truth is that loss, pain, and trauma are messy. When you experience tragedy it feels like everything around you, inside of you, and a part of you is being ripped apart. When it happens to you, things don't fall apart; shit breaks. It breaks into a million tiny pieces and you know that no matter how hard you try to put it all back together, your life will never be the same again.
Callie breathed deeply, blinking back her near constant flow of tears. She needed to stay strong for her wife, for Mark and their daughter but she couldn't keep her leg from bouncing anxiously as the flight came in for it's landing in Spokane. She swallowed hard and glanced over to Owen, and was strangely relieved to see that he looked as spooked to be on a plane as she was. Not when they both knew exactly how dangerous a plane could actually be. You take it for granted really, because planes fly all the time. but when you think about it, they're really just metal cans flung into the sky. Metal can flung into the sky with people on them. Not safe at all.
She refused to let herself contemplate just how bad Arizona and everyone's injuries really were. Callie couldn't face that. Instead she tried to convince herself that things would work out. The thoughts kept going around in her head on a loop. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. Then how could any of them be okay? Damn it.
Flying had seemed like the best idea at the time, when Hunt had first told everyone the news. Callie had needed to get to Arizona. She needed to be by her wife's side. And the quickest way to get from Seattle to Spokane was a 45 minute flight. Totally the best way to get to Arizona quickly. Callie had known instantly that flying here was what she had to do. And the same logic had driven Hunt to join her. Callie wasn't the only one with an injured wife at St. John's Hospital in Spokane.
So they'd booked emergency tickets and flown out. Callie had barely had time to run home pack a travel bag, and call Arizona's parents. Now, as the plane encountered slight turbulence coming for it's landing, Callie gripped her seat's arm rests. She almost regretted choosing to fly. Almost. But then Callie turned her thoughts to Arizona and the regret and her personal fear didn't seem to matter. It would all be worth it to see that Arizona was alive, and to be with her sooner. She glanced over to Owen and saw the same fear and worry for a spouse reflected in his eyes. He felt the same as she did. And of course they also were gripped with other fear. It was more than just their wives on the line. Their friends too. Sofia's father. As the plane came to a successful but screeching halt Callie breathed a sigh of relief and noted that Hunt's eyes went to the ceiling and he exhaled a breath too.
The loop continued. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. How could any of them be okay? Damn it.
At least choosing to fly had turned out to be a good call. Within minutes Callie and Owen were off the plane, out of the terminal and in a rental car, on their way to St. John's Hospital in downtown Spokane. That much closer to their loved ones. They drove in silence, each only thinking about the magnitude of everything that had happened. There was a part of Callie that could still barely believed it was true. This time yesterday she'd been flitting around the hospital, telling the residents to seize their moment, going on about how great her own life was just then. How things had changed.
Of course, Callie had made a different decision about flying for Sofia. No way she'd have put both herself and her daughter on a plane to go see her injured wife and best friend. Because whatever bad karma the doctors of Seattle Grace had, it would probably stick it to them in that moment and give them the cruelest twist possible. Mark and Arizona would survive their grave injuries, and wake up only to discover that Callie and their daughter had been killed in a god-damn plane crash. It would be just the sort of thing that would happen, so Callie didn't risk it.
Instead she'd left Sofia in Alex's care, though she knew that that really probably meant that her daughter would be in Kepner's care. Poor April would probably end up taking care not only of the babies, but of Alex and Jackson too, based on the last time Callie had seen any of them. Alex cursing up a storm in the far end of the conference room, while Jackson sitting as he stared blankly in shock, with April by his side. They were as torn up as anyone else, Callie supposed. Anyone else, who didn't have a spouse or the father of their child injured. That ripped you apart ten times worse.
The loop never stopped. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. How could any of them be okay? Damn it.
All three of them, Alex, Jackson, and April had offered to make the 'over land' journey from Seattle to Spokane, driving the four and a half hours by car, bringing both Zola and Sofia to be near their parents. Callie never would have thought that she'd opt to put Sofia in a car over other modes of transportation because it felt safer. Strange how things work out.
The newly graduated residents would bring up the little girls and pass them off to assorted grandparents as they arrived, on hastily booked flights after receiving panicked phone calls from their children's co-workers. So Callie felt reasonably certain that she didn't have to worry about taking care of Sofia on top of worrying about taking care of Arizona and Mark. It was one thing she could be sure about. Sofia would be taken care of, and would be with her in Spokane.
Owen carefully parked their car in front of the formidably old looking brick hospital, and like silent robots, they got out and headed into the main lobby. It was so weird standing in an unfamiliar hospital. Not only that, but being in an unfamiliar hospital as the family of a patient. Knowing that the survival of the people you loved depended on this place that you knew nothing about. A place where you, even with the years of education, training and experience, had no real power as a doctor or anything else.
Which, Callie belatedly realized would likely be even worse for her. This was eastern Washington after all. Far from the leafy liberal world of Seattle. Closer to Idaho than Olympia. Would the staff of this hospital even let Callie see her wife? Sure she was Arizona's emergency contact person, but when something was this serious hospitals usually just wanted next of kin, right? And-
The panic must have shown on her face because Owen suddenly took her hand and paused on the way to the main desk. "You'll see her. I promise. I'll make it happen. No compromises."
Fighting back tears, Callie nodded. Recalling his insistence that she not risk her family during the sinkhole incident over a year earlier she was immensely grateful that Hunt had his moments. He really did. She bit her lip and they stepped forward to the counter in the center of the lobby. A kind looking older woman, who Callie was almost positive was a nun, looked up as smiled sadly at them. Like she knew why they were here.
Owen stepped forward and cleared his throat, "I am Owen Hunt, the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. We're here about the plane crash? Charter flight 880? We're family. The survivors are-"
"Yes," the nun replied, standing up and coming around from behind the main desk, to stand next to them. She took hold of Callie's hand and squeezed it sympathetically. She took hold of Owen's hand too. "We've been expecting you. Please, come right this way."
She gestured and another similarly dressed woman moved to take her vacated spot at the main desk. Then she began to lead them further into the hospital. When they arrived in a waiting area, the old lady gestured for them to take a seat before sitting down with them, "The surgeons will be out soon to update you on your people. I'll stay until they do."
And that was it. She didn't try to make small talk, spout religious platitudes, or offer any false hopes. She just sat with them. For some reason, Callie found that oddly comforting, even thought it didn't make any sense at all. She didn't even know this woman's name or if she really was a nun at all. She was a complete stranger. Callie glanced over to Owen, who leaned forward and held his head in his hands looking exhausted. He probably hadn't gotten more sleep than she had. Callie swallowed and looked at her hands.
Arizona will be okay.
Mark will be okay.
They will all be okay.
They are alive.
Except Lexie.
So how could any of them be okay?
Damn it.
April took a deep breath and double checked the supplies they had in Jackson's car. Both car seats, plenty of water, snacks, toys; the works. Even if it was only a four hour trip. Never hurt to be prepared. Shutting the car door, she stood next to the car for a moment still trying to process everything that had already happened that morning.
It had began in an oddly nice way actually, even though she knew that was a weird way to look at it. But waking up curled up next to Jackson had been really nice. Next to Jackson with a sleepy baby sprawled across their laps had made it all the nicer. Ridiculous. Selfish. Immature. It was just the kind of thing she didn't need. Mornings like this would only serve to feed her unrequited fantasy about what life might be like if Jackson actually would pick a girl like her. If she could have that perfect life where true love existed. The life she'd dreamed of as a kid. Then again, she'd had so many dreams. Dreams she could be important. A surgeon. Loved. None of them were coming true at the moment.
April held on to the pleasant morning she had had with Jackson, even though the rest of the morning sucked. Many of her friends were injured. Lexie was dead. Hunt had told everyone in the conference room, and ever since it seemed like they were all in a daze. They had all just sort of hung around in the room for a while, dwindling one by one. Owen and Callie rushing off to get a plane to Spokane. April, Alex, and Jackson had numbly agreed to drive to St. John's that afternoon. Webber went off to act as Chief in Owen's absence. Bailey off to contact everyone's families. Finally, Alex disappeared somewhere else, cursing and knocking over chairs as he left, leaving Jackson and April alone with their grief.
Jackson hadn't said very much since they found out the news. What was there to say? Mark Sloan was his mentor. April couldn't begin to understand what that relationship was like. Or Alex and Arizona's mentorship either. She realized that she'd never really gotten to the same level with Owen as her teacher. Chief of Surgery and Chief Resident. They'd both been too busy. Alex and Jackson were obviously very close to Mark and Arizona. Of course Jackson was devastated. And he had always fit in better with Meredith and Cristina that April ever had. Derek too really. April had been tolerated by them. Probably pitied too. But her heart still ached to know that they were all so severely injured. Because she really did like them all, much more than they knew.
And obviously Jackson felt bad about Lexie. And there was nothing to say.
Death is devastatingly final. April felt like she'd missed so many opportunities to reach out to Lexie. Granted, at first they hadn't really gotten along. Lexie had stolen her notebook, and read it. But by the...end, and how alien it felt to think there was an end, April and Lexie had become friends. April knew that she could have done more to deepen that friendship, and that maybe Lexie had needed that in the past few months. The younger resident had seemed a little isolated and confused. She'd picked up on that much.
And what had April done? Let Alex convince her to try to use Lexie's legendary photographic memory to help her study. Selfish. She'd been so wrapped up in her chief resident work, and studying for boards that she just never really took the time to catch up with Lexie. April had told herself that she would do it eventually. They'd catch up and have a girls night, as soon as it was all finished. When she'd passed, and gotten a job and a fellowship. They'd catch up then. Only, April had failed, lost all her job offers, and her virginity, and she just had gotten so fixated on dealing with her life falling apart that she'd missed her last opportunity to connect with her friend.
If April had known then what she knew now? Well, she'd have done a lot of things differently. Lexie didn't need to die for her to learn that though. God could have just done things differently. If he did things at all.
And so April didn't know why she did what she did in the conference room after everyone else had gone. She shouldn't have done it. April hadn't meant to. She'd sat with Jackson, only able to offer quiet murmurs of comfort as she rested her hands on his arms. He still hadn't said anything except for his initial stunned reaction. All she could do was be there for him. She could hold in her own feelings and let him deal with his. Jackson needed support. April knew that he probably loved Lexie and that losing her must be tearing him up inside. It made her feel a little jealous and then guilty. She knew she had no right to be jealous of Lexie. None.
April had her life, even if it was falling apart. Lexie didn't.
She didn't know why she did what she did. There had been this moment when...well, Jackson had looked up and he'd looked so sad, and so lost. As bad as he had after the shooting even. They'd leaned closer to each other, not unlike the way they'd leaned together at Joe's that night she'd lost her Seattle Grace offer. April stared into the depths of Jackson's seemingly infinite sea colored eyes, and in that moment she wanted nothing more than to take his pain away. To make him feel a little better. If only for a moment.
So she'd closed the gap between them and pressed her lips to his. And when Jackson didn't immediately push her away? April had let herself get lost in the kiss. Because for a second, it took her pain away, and made her feel a little better. Jackson reached his hand to her cheeks, and she closed her eyes.
So exceptionally inappropriate. Lexie was dead. She shouldn't have done it. She was so selfish. Revolting. A terrible person. Who kissed somebody when a dear friend has died? April could hardly believe she had. Maybe she'd fallen so far into lust that she couldn't even stop herself anymore.
Suddenly April had pulled back, blinking in confusion and flushing with guilt. "I-I...I'm sorry," she stammered, unable to look Jackson in the eye. "I shouldn't have-"
Jackson licked his lips and said, "April, it's-"
She'd pulled her chair back from his, and Jackson had reached his hand to hers. Abruptly, the door had opened revealing a scowling Alex. He'd stood in the door way, and his eyes had narrowed and slid back and forth between April and Jackson.
"If we're gonna be the freaking babysitter's club we should probably get crap ready for the drive. I'll get snacks."
"Yes," April replied, clearing her throat, and trying to keep her voice from squeaking. "Yes. W-we should. Jackson you can get the girls...And...I'll go get the car seats and maps."
She'd quickly brushed past Alex, without looking at Jackson, and headed down the hallway, clenching and unclenching. Now, as she leaned against the car waiting for Alex and Jackson, April bit her lip and held back a sob. How had things gotten so incredibly messed up?
Hearing baby babbling and foot steps, April quickly whipped her eyes, and straightened her shoulders, before turning around. With a plastered smile on her face, so the little girls didn't get scared. Alex was doing his best, and so was Jackson, but April knew that both of them were just barely holding it together. Which was their right. Because they were close with everyone in the crash. They were allowed to be messes. But it meant that she had to step up. Get the little kids to Spokane and Callie. Keep everyone going. She had to be the person that kept an eye on everyone.
"Okay," April said, grinning as best she could at Sofia and Zola. "Are we ready to go on our trip?"
Alex was pissed.
Actually, to say that he was pissed was probably the grossest understatement of all time. As soon as he had found out about the freaking plane crash Alex had felt his anger rise. He was pissed at the pilot. Pissed at nature. Pissed at himself. If had had just talked to Robbins or whatever. About Hopkins. First, before he'd made his decision. Maybe then she wouldn't have kicked him off the Boise case. Maybe if Alex had been there, on the plane, everything would be different now. Somehow.
He scowled and crossed his arms. Little freakin' Grey was dead. Actually dead. He'd been an ass to her on more than one occasion, and now Alex just wished she'd known just how cool he thought she really was. And Alex felt like his rage just grew stronger when he let his mind veer to the subject of his best friends. And that is what Mer and Cristina were. He could admit that. Losing O'Malley had been hard enough. Why the hell did he loose everyone he cared about? Was he really that much of a jerk? Did he deserve this crap?
Everything just seemed like it was just wrong today. Alex was riding bitch in the backseat of Avery's car, smashed between two car seats with April at the freakin' wheel. What the hell?
April had insisted; oh, it's Jackson's car, he should have the front. He's sad about Lexie, let him have the front. You are in no condition to drive. Blah, blah, blah. Alex had wanted to snap at her. He'd dated Lexie too! And Robbins was in his seat on that plane. Granted, Jackson had been better to Lexie than he ever had. Better to Sloan about choosing a fellowship. Better to April too. Alex couldn't really blame her for looking out for her friend. Even if they were being weird or whatever.
"Huh, wow!" April's voice had an over exaggerated sound of awe. "Look at that truck girls! Have you ever seen a truck that big? That is a semi-truck. It's green. How many do we see? One?"
Jackson chimed in, his voice obviously straining to sound happy, "Yeah, look there is another one. It's red. That's two semi trucks!"
Freaking A. Well, April had two of the most cardinal rules you learned for dealing with kids in peds down pat. Distraction and laughter.
And at least Avery was talking. Seemed like the dude had barely said ten words to anyone since Hunt had delivered the news about the crash. Talking to the tiny tots would occupy all three of them. Jackson needed that Alex supposed.
How the hell had he ended up being third wheel in some awkward domestic trip with Kepner and Avery, Alex would never know. It was all part of the weird vibe he'd gotten from them lately. It'd happened earlier today too. In the kitchen that morning. And then later in the conference room. He'd walked in and Jackson and April had gotten this crazy deer in the headlights look.
Sofia grinned and eagerly looked out of the window, babbling and pointing at the passing trucks. Alex glanced over to Zola. She looked a lot more grumpy. She wasn't buying April's valiant attempts at distraction. He could respect that. Kid knew something was up. Poor thing. Little kids shouldn't have to worry about anything. Alex made a funny face, crossing his eyes and sucking his cheeks in like a fish. Zola giggled. That was more like it. She should laugh now. Might not be much opportunity for it later.
Even though he was still feeling angry, Alex kind of did have to hand it to April though. Kepner had never cried in front of the little girls. He'd expected her to be blubber city, because she was always blubber city. But so far, for this, Alex had yet to see her shed a tear.
He thought that was why she stepped up and agreed to do this trip and stuff in the first place. While everyone else was busy being devastated. Alex figured, April really did want to cry but she probably felt like she couldn't because her connection to all the tragedy was more distant. She was so much about following the rules. Maybe she felt like it wasn't her place. Maybe it isn't.
Alex and Jackson both had 'things' with lexie. Their mentors were both gravely injured. Alex had known Mer and Cristina from the beginning, and Jackson had always gelled with their little group the best out of the Mercy Westers. April was more on the fringes. But right now Alex almost envied her. Loners might have it better. No lovers, no mentor, no friends. No grief. No pain. Or guilt.
At least in theory, anyway. But if you watched her, you could see that Kepner wanted to cry. And that she felt the loss as much of the rest of them. It pissed him off. Loss leaves no one untouched. Grief takes no prisoners. If he were nicer...if he was good with all this crap, if he wasn't drowning in his own reaction to this stupid crash, he might know how to help April. Maybe he'd take her aside and tell her to let it out or whatever. The sadness and the rage and the tears.
But he couldn't do that because that would mean Alex would have to let out his own rage and sadness and tears. And he knew he didn't deserve to. He didn't deserve to be free. Because was his fault Robbins was on that damn plane. Alex deserved to hurt. Or maybe even to be dead. So instead, he continued to keep his own crap in, and watched Kepner keep her own crap in, wondering which one of them will crack first. He wasn't sure who to bet on.
Alex had to wonder what people thought of them all, when they stopped at a rest stop for gas and to let Zola and Sofia run around a bit. What the other travelers thought of their little rainbow coalition, April and two kids and two guys. It was the east side of Washington. Smaller towns, different people. Alex noted more than a few curious glances their direction as he filled the car with gas, as April and Jackson took the tots off to the bathroom and to stretch. Well, it didn't help that Jackson looked like he'd blow over if there was a big gust of wind. Dude was kind of stare worthy.
Alex watched their retreating figures as they walked off, getting that strange sense of something between them. It was weird. It bothered him. Bits and pieces of things he noticed about Kepner and Avery were just floating around in his head, like an unfinished puzzle. Maybe he just wanted something else to think about, other than the crash crap. Alex didn't know.
So he finished pumping the gas and leaned against the hood of the car, waiting for everyone to come back. Avery returned first, and frowned as he leaned against the car too. Dude really looked messed up. He was all pale and what ever. Adam's apple bobbing around, like Jackson couldn't stop swallowing. They both stared out sadly at the little grassy area next to the rest stop, where April stood, letting the little kids play. Mostly Sofia ran around though. Zola still looked mad. There was something about the way Jackson stared at April.
And in that moment, the puzzle suddenly was clear. All the pieces and weird things Alex had noticed in the past weeks seemed to finally fit together. Well damn.
"Are you boinking Kepner?" he asked bluntly, though now he was pretty sure he knew that answer.
It all kind of made freakin' sense. Why they'd acted off. Hell it explained a lot. And Avery had said it himself back at the boards party when April had gotten uncharacteristically hammered. He'd said she'd been all about firsts lately. Firsts. At the time Alex had thought he'd just meant about failing, but now...Alex would bet he meant another first. Maybe that had thrown her game and made her fail in the first place. Which would explain even more why things were awkward between them. Holy freakin' cow.
Jackson looked startled and then furious, snarling, "Lay off it, man!"
Shaking his head Alex pressed, "Dude, you cashed her V-card. How the hell did that happen?"
"I said back off, Karev." Oh, they'd so screwed. Jackson didn't deny it.
"She any good?"
"Drop it. I am warning you," Avery's expression was dark, and his eyes drifted over to Kepner and the kids.
"Whatever," Alex shrugged, suddenly feeling the need to be frank and honest. Since things were obviously a little messed up with them. "You guys should get your shit together, though. Now is not the time to lose friends and get all wishy washy and crap. You gotta keep the people you care about real close. It's the only way you can make it when someone dies."
"You don't think I know that? It's not the first time we've lost people," Jackson mumbled.
Alex nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets. That was certainly true. But things were different now. It hadn't escaped Alex's notice that Jackson had said 'we'. Talking like, well, like he and Kepner were a 'we'. Didn't seem like Avery thought the screwing was just screwing. Whatever. They'd always been freakishly close. Now that he thought about it, it kind of made sense they'd get together. And if Alex was more of a sap, he'd hope they would be together. Because someone deserved to be free of all the hospital curse crap. But Alex wasn't a sap. And he didn't believe in happy endings.
Before anything else could be said, his phone buzzed in his pocket. Callie. He answered right away, assuring her that Sofia was fine and listened in numb shock as she updated him on everyone's status. He hung up and put his hands in his pockets again, squinting into the afternoon sun.
"Well?" Jackson demanded.
"Mer's got...head injuries. Brain bleed. Been in surgery for hours. Probably will be for more. Robbins...Robbins might lose a leg," he shook his head in disbelief. "Shit. She's still in surgery too. Cristina's out, and conscious. Shepherd is too. They weren't as bad. They're in recovery. Awake and freaking out about everything. Derek wants to see Zola."
Alex finally brought himself to look Avery in the eye. This last bit of information had made Callie distraught on the phone. He knew it'd freak out Jackson too.
"Sloan's got internal injuries. Pretty bad. He needs surgery, but they haven't been able to stabilize him enough...his prognosis isn't really good."
"Oh." Jackson's shoulders dropped and he stared at his feet, "Damn."
Alex could only nod in agreement. Crappy day all around.
Zola squirmed and twisted in her car seat. She didn't like this car. She didn't know this car. It wasn't her Daddy's car. Or Mommy's.
She missed her Mommy and Daddy. It had been a long time since she'd seen them. Not normal long. Like days she had to stay extra long at the play place at work. Or when Aunt Lexlex took her home to play. It was longer than when she had spent the night at Sofia's. The last time Zola could remember not seeing her Mommy and Daddy for so long was when she had gone to live in that other place. With those other people. She'd had to live there for a long time. She had not liked that.
And living somewhere else was about as far back as Zola could remember, so she was scared. Because, what if she had to live with those strangers again? She just wanted her Mommy and Daddy. She glanced over the seat, over to silly Alex who's head bounced and was snoring. She could see Sofia in her seat too. She had fallen asleep also. She wasn't too scared to nap. Not like Zola. Had Sofia ever lived with strangers? Zola didn't know. She felt better having her friend with her.
Zola fussed and kicked her legs hard on the seat in front of her. She kicked and kicked and started to cry. Why couldn't she just go home? She wanted to go home and see her Mommy and Daddy.
"Hey!" the high pitched and familiar voice of April came from the driver's seat. "Don't do that pretty girl. We're almost there."
Zola didn't care. She just wanted to go home and all she could do was kick. So she crossed her arms and glared and kicked harder and harder. As hard as she could.
A gentle hand reached back from the front seat and grabbed hold of her ankles, stopping her kicks. It almost sent Zola into a rage. She could never ever ever remember feeling so angry. But Jackson was always nice to her. He spoke firmly and Zola had never heard him talk like that before, so she didn't try to kick him.
"Zola. You need to stop. April is driving. Don't kick, we're gonna get out soon."
She did want to get out soon. Zola relaxed and fidgeted with her seat strap yet again. She wasn't as scared. They weren't entirely strangers. She'd played with Alex before a lot of times, and April had sung her songs, and Jackson gave her tummy raspberries. They'd slept at her home before. And eaten with her and Mommy and Daddy too. They weren't strangers. She still didn't want to live with them though.
But...they knew her Mommy and Daddy, so they wouldn't let her get taken away. That seemed right.
The car stopped. Alex's head snapped up next to her and he made a funny face. Zola wanted to laugh but she was still too angry. He turned and unbuckled Sofia, carrying her out of the car. Peering out the windows, Zola felt scared. She didn't remember any of this. She twisted and screeched when April took her out of her seat. Zola just wanted to go home. She didn't understand why she was here.
April held Zola close and they all went inside a tall scary building. It had shiny floors, like where Mommy and Daddy worked. But it was darker and echoy and made Zola feel scared. They stopped and talked to strangers and Zola wanted to get down. She started to cry again, lashing out at the arms that tried to soothe her. Why couldn't she just go home?
"Shh...I know," April said. "We're gonna go check on your Daddy in a minute. They said he wants to see you."
That was enough to make Zola stop. Her Daddy was here? She wanted to see him. She wanted her Daddy. Zola tangled her fingers in April's hair and bounced her legs happily, saying, "Dada. Dada. Dada."
Daddy was here in this scary place. He would fix everything. He would find Mommy. And Aunt Lexlex. He could take them home.
They went on a elevator ride and Zola stuck her finger in her mouth. She didn't know why, but it make her feel better. When they got off of the elevator, Alex and Sofia and Jackson turned one direction and walked down a big long hall. Zola felt lonely. She could see Sofia's waving, looking over Alex's shoulder as they walked farther and farther away.
April took Zola another way. She sucked her thumb harder. She was scared, but she knew it would all be okay when she found her Daddy. They walked into a dark room, with lots of scary tubes and blinking. April sat down in a chair near a big bed, with crib walls on two sides. There was a man sleeping in there.
He opened his eyes and his crackly voice said, "There she is. There's my Zozo. Oh, you don't know how much Daddy wanted to see you."
The man's arms reached out to her, and Zola got scared when April began to hand her over. She clasped her arms tight around April's neck.
This man was not her Daddy. He didn't smell like her Daddy. Daddy smelled like hair stuff and grass. He didn't look like her Daddy. He looked too tired. There was too many hairs on his chin. He looked sad. His arm had a hard box on it. He didn't sound like her Daddy. This man sounded old.
"Zola?" he asked again, sounding sadder.
"Here's your Daddy," April whispered, leaning close to the big crib bed and perching Zola on the edge. "It's okay. It's your Daddy."
"Zola?" the man's voice sounded gravelly, like when Zola played in the sand box and got sand on the bottom of her shoes and then walked on the sidewalk. She never liked that sound and Daddy always carried her and took off her shoes. So they could get the sand away. This man sounded so sad.
Tentatively, Zola pulled away from April. She frowned and looked at the man in the bed. His eyes looked like Daddy's. His eyes looked scared.
"Dada?" she asked, moving a little closer.
"It's me, Zozo. It's Daddy." His arm without the box pulled her close. He had scary tubes and wires on him, but Zola let her head rest on his chest. She could hear his thump thumps. She knew those thumps. It really was her Daddy! Zola burrowed closer onto his chest and started to cry. But not because she was mad. Finally! Finally. Finally, she was with her Daddy again.
"I'm so sorry. I love you so much kiddo."
Zola still didn't really understand what was going on. Or why her Daddy was here and not at home. She didn't know where he Mommy was or when she'd see her. But Zola was happy to have her Daddy again. Maybe it meant they could go home soon.
Mark Sloan drifted in and out of consciousness. He could swear that he saw Lexie. She was waiting for him. He knew it was terrible, but he kind of wanted to go. To be with her. It would be easier. So much easier. Living without her would be hell.
And it was all so stupid. He should have told her sooner. He should have told her sooner that he loved her with all his heart. Mark couldn't remember now why he hadn't.
The pain in his body had been numbed and the air around him was less cold and windy, so he knew that they had been rescued. A few times, he'd been able to open his eyes a fraction of an inch. He'd seen the room his was in. Very hospital. His eyes fluttered open again and he realized he wasn't alone in his little room.
At first he thought it was Lexie and for a second his heart soared. She was here to come get him. She was here to take him to whatever happened next, and then they'd never be apart again. But the pain in his chest still felt too real, and the room seemed to be coming more and more into focus, father than fading away.
"Ave-errry..." Mark whispered, when he could finally identify who sat at his bedside. He wanted to hate the guy. Blame him for stealing Lex away for so long. But Jackson had been the only student Mark had ever even had half and interest in teaching. Aside from Lexie of course. And that had been less about the plastics anyway. And Mark had been the one to send Avery to Lexie in the first place. He couldn't hate him. Far from it.
"Spa-Spar...k" He wanted to tell Jackson something. He knew it was important. Avery ought to know. For whoever this girl was. He remembered a conversation they'd had with a patient what seemed like an eternity ago. Really it was a matter of days.
"Sloan? Hey man," Jackson said tentatively. "Try not to talk, alright?"
"Ssssa-ay it. H-how you...f-feel," Mark finally managed, with a tremendous effort.
"I-"
"Ifff...spark. D-don't wuh-ait," he could feel himself slipping under again. Beneath the wave of unconsciousness. Mark's eyes fluttered shut again and he breathed a few more words. "T-tell her...how you fee..."
Jackson sat next to Mark for a long time. Until some nun came and kicked him out. Said they were going to try to stabilize him again. Jackson didn't know how much hope there was of that. Mark was so weak. His vitals were all over the place, and there was just no way to know how he'd do in surgery. He dropped his head to his hands. Sloan was so out of it. Half talking to Lexie, asking her to take him with her, or crying about her being dead.
It made Jackson feel even more consumed with guilt. Because deep down, he'd always known that for Lexie, it had been Mark. Yeah, sure she was a great girl, and he really hadn't believed in soul mates, but Jackson understood that she did. Believe in it. And that for her, that man was Mark Sloan. And that was why he'd let her go. He'd needed to learn from Sloan, and he knew she wasn't over him. He'd thought they'd work it out. That Lexie's time with him was just a small detour. He hadn't known how much time it would waste. He couldn't have known how little time she'd had left.
But he still felt bad. If Jackson had realized sooner, ended things sooner, maybe Mark and Lexie would have had more time. Maybe this wouldn't have even happened.
Sloan was the best mentor he'd ever had. For the first time, a surgeon wanted to take Jackson under his wing not because of his Avery name, but because Mark had seen potential in him. Jackson didn't know if he'd ever be able to fully show his gratitude for that. He didn't know if he'd get the chance.
For a minute, right before the nurses had kicked Jackson out, he could have sworn that Sloan was semi-lucid. He'd realized Jackson was there at least. And what he'd said had made Jackson think. He couldn't even really be sure that Mark was trying to say something, but the man had determinedly whispered to Jackson. Say how you feel. If there is a spark. Don't wait.
Don't wait.
They'd had the conversation, sort of, with a patient. When Jackson had been choosing fellowships and been all confused about April. Who knew that now he'd be even more confused. About life, fellowships and his best friend. He was pretty sure April was much more than that to him. Much much more.
And today in the conference room, Jackson had found that they definitely still had the spark. April had surprised him, kissing him out of the blue. She'd jumped back right away, like a person who's hand had touched a hot pan. She'd looked so guilty after. Jackson could kind of understand, but that kiss had felt so good. It had pulled him from the foggy depths of his sadness and back in to the present day. Back to reality. Away from his feeling of emptiness. It had actually been just what he needed. So maybe...maybe April was actually just what he needed.
As he wondered the quiet halls of St. John's, Jackson still didn't know what April felt. She'd pulled back from the kiss today. And freaked out after San Fransico. But at the same time, she'd stayed by his side almost all of the day. She made sure that he ate and drank on the ride over. She'd gotten him his favorite swedish fish candy at the rest stop. She'd driven his car all the way to Spokane, because she knew Jackson couldn't possibly have done that today. Even though she was scared of driving SUV's on Washington's interstates. April had been there for him.
Sloan's words floated through Jackson's mind again. Don't wait. Tell her how you feel. If there's a spark. He knew that they needed to talk. And with everyone in surgery or recovery, maybe now was a good time. As good a time as any. Waiting wasn't worth it. Because you think you have all this time, but now more than ever Jackson understood, that you just never know. You could die tomorrow. The hospital was quiet, much more quiet than Seattle Grace. It kind of freaked Jackson out. But, Spokane was a much smaller city than Seattle. It made sense that they would be less busy.
When he rounded a corner on his way to the elevator, Jackson ran into Alex. Karev looked exhausted. He'd been mad at Karev this afternoon. The guy had figured it all out somehow. Alex had figured out that he'd slept with April, and he'd figured out that things had gotten awkward. Their roommate wasn't half as emotionally dense as he made himself out to be. Probably he was only half as much of an ass as he acted too. Jackson suspected.
"Any news?" Jackson asked quietly, looking at his feet.
"Not much...Robbins's thing is a two part deal, so she's stable for now. Tomorrow they can go in again..." Alex shrugged and ran a hand down the back of his neck. Mer's not done. Still..."
"Sloan's pretty bad," Jackson added, his voice cracking. "I don't think-I don't know if he'll pull through."
Alex shook his head and swore, "I should have been on that freakin' plane-"
"And what?" Jackson demanded. "Probably be dead too. What good would that possibly do anyone? This hurts all of us. We'd feel just as bad if it was you in the OR. Or...or the morgue."
"I don't have a kid though," Alex said finally biting the inside of this cheeks.
That was true. And it made things suck even more. Sofia and Zola really still stood to lose at least one parent each. It was awful.
"Anyway," Alex continued. "April gave your keys to Callie. So she didn't have to move the car seats. Torres took the munchkins to hotel. I hope you don't mind."
"It's fine."
"I have the keys to her and Owen's rental," Alex said pulling the jangling keys from his pocket. "I figure I'll just stick around here. Hunt's staying too. We can call if we get news. You and April could go to the hotel too. Get some...rest...or whatever."
Probably not any 'whatever'. Jackson cleared his throat and carefully took the keys, "Uh, thanks. We'll...we'll probably hangout here though. Just in case. Find some empty beds to crash on."
Alex shrugged and began to continue walking down the hall, "Suit yourselves."
"You should try to get some sleep yourself, Alex."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Oh!" Jackson called over his shoulder. "Do you know were April went? After she took Zola to Shepherd? Or where she is now?"
"The church thing. 2nd floor."
The chapel. He might have known. Yet another reason why Jackson was so unsure of what April felt about him. When he arrived in the small room, he found April slumped down in a pew in the back. She was busy either praying or crying. Or both. She didn't hear Jackson come in and she jumped when he slid into the pew beside her. He scooted himself very close, so that their legs touched, and he could wrap one arm around her shoulders.
April didn't pull away. That was a good sign right? She didn't say anything either. Not so great.
"You know, he's pretty lucky," Jackson said quietly.
"Who?"
"The man you're gonna marry." He had no idea where he was going with all of this. This topic was miles away from where he had planned to begin, and yet the words fell from his lips.
"What?"
"He's lucky. You...today...you took care of everyone. You were great. With the kids, me. Even Alex. Any guy is gonna be lucky to get you."
April shook her head vehemently, "No, he's n-not. I'm-I'm not good. Not good enough."
"Does...does the virginity really matter that much?"
"It's more than...Jackson, I really don't want to talk-"
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Jackson gestured to the small chapel around them. "About all of this April. You could have told me."
"I don't know why!" April frowned and slumped down. "I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't even know what I am doing here now. Praying away when it obviously doesn't do anything. Can't stop planes from falling out of the sky."
She sniffed and angrily rubbed tears from her eyes.
"You're human, April," Jackson said finally, pulling her close. "You can cry. You're a good human being."
She shook her head. and he continued, "Yes, you are. And, like I said, anyone-I...would be lucky to get you."
April tried to push away at those words, "Jackson! Are you? You're not...you're just saying that."
Her hands pulled at his arms but Jackson didn't let her slip away, "That came out wrong...I mean I'm not-proposing or anything, at least not for right now I am not. I just-we need to talk. About all of this. San Francisco. All of it. No time is any better than another. We just need to get on the same page. We need to be honest."
After a long moment her body relaxed against him and April quietly replied, "Okay."
"Okay," Jackson sighed. "Okay...well, to start...I want to know...why...why you don't think you are good enough? Is it really that important to be a virgin? I want to know about your religion. Tell me about God."
He rested his head on top of hers, pressed a soft kiss on her hair, and waited for her answer.