A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the delay. Here is chapter 4. This one has a somewhat disproportionate Japril focus, but for the course of things I think it's necessary. Again, it was a kind of difficult chapter to write(I know I say that every time, but honestly for this story it's been true). Usual disclaimer about medical stuff: I really don't know anything about hospitals except from what I can find on google and have seen on tv. I hope you enjoy, and I will try to update as soon as I can (one of my commitments is ending on the 17th so I am going to start having a bit more time). Any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback you have are very much appreciated.

Impact. It can take less than a second. You hear about it all the time. Car crashes, shootings, interstate pile ups. Utter devastation reaped upon the lives of victims in staggeringly small periods of time. 3 seconds? Maybe 10? The human brain doesn't even have the time to process the impact as it happens. It's amazing that in that short amount of time so much can change. But it's never just the impact itself. That small moment begets many thousands of moments to 's effects can be felt for years. Forever. It's the same thing for decisions. One small choice you make, 2 seconds, or 3? That one small choice can influence the course of your entire life. And choices like that can come around at any time. We are always a work in progress.

Arizona didn't know where she was.

She moaned and tried to open her eyes. Everything hurt. Her head throbbed and even though she knew she was in pain, she couldn't quite pin point where it was coming from anymore than she could understand where she was. Was she floating? Was she dead? Maybe she was. Arizona remembered being in the plane crash. Lexie dying. Mark wanting to.

Maybe she had. Arizona wanted to cry. She wanted to see Sofia. Callie. Her parents. People she loved. Something caught in her throat. Being dead probably would not hurt this much.

She belatedly realized she wasn't was here with her. Wherever here was. Arizona tried to move, open her eyes, and identify the person.

Tim?

"Hey," a familiar voice reached her ears. "You gotta stay still. You're intubated. Don't fight it, Robbins."

The effort of moving, breathing, thinking was too much, and Arizona felt herself being pulled back into the blankness of unconsciousness. Just before she slipped under, she felt a hand squeeze hers. She was still confused, but who ever she was with, made her feel less alone.

"I'm...I'm really freakin' sorry."

April sighed and stared at the front of the chapel. She didn't really want to talk. She didn't want Jackson to know any of the stuff he was asking about. Because he would only think she was crazy. Or get mad at her. Or...something. Regardless, April was afraid that this conversation was going to place her on the verge of losing her very best friend. At as much risk, if not more, than sleeping with him had.

"Jackson..." she began awkwardly. "It's just...you have to understand. In Moline, everyone goes to church. Everyone."

"If it's so important to you, why don't you ever talk about it?"

The thing about it was that April didn't really know why. Was it that she was afraid to be teased? Mostly. Was there an element of wanting to shed the small-town farm girl image? That too. She couldn't be sure why she'd never even told Jackson. She supposed he'd think she was small minded. Maybe even a bit extreme. She'd been afraid he'd stop being friends with her. And April was still pretty confused about what she believed anyway.

She mostly didn't want to talk about it. But Jackson could always get to her. He'd always been easy to talk to.

"I thought...you'd think I was weird. Maybe...too weird," April said finally. "Too weird for you. I mean you are Jackson Avery. You can be friends with whoever you want. People like you. I didn't want you to stop talking to me."

"You know I wouldn't-"

"Not now..." she interrupted, beginning to ramble. "But then...when we were first interning at Mercy West. It was a risk. I thought-I don't know...you'd think I was too annoying and then I didn't say anything and then it seemed like I waited too long. Because we'd been friends for a while and I mean it would have been weird to just randomly tell you years later, that oh, by the way I'm super religious and-"

April stopped short when Jackson chuckled. She turned to glare at him as he held back a smile. This was not the time for laughter. Especially given everything that had happened, with the crash and San Fransisco and everything. Besides she wasn't being funny.

Sensing her growing indignation, Jackson ran a reassureing hand down April's arm, and said,"That's basically what ended up happening though. I mean, I just sat down next to you...um that day. I sat down and you started talking about Jesus. Seemed pretty random to me."

Chuckling a little herself, April winced, "Yeah."

Her shoulders slumped. She couldn't do anything right. "I...I shouldn't have-I'm sorry that I just-"

"Hey," Jackson held her hand in his, speaking evenly. "Don't worry. Let's not dwell. Life's too short. It's fine. Now, I know. I want to know more. Okay, so everyone in Moline goes to church. I don't even think I've seen you actually go."

"I've lapsed...since I came out here," April admitted. "Because, it was easier not to go, I guess. I didn't want people to think I wasn't a good doctor."

"Going to church would make people think you were a bad doctor?" he seemed surprised.

"Being religious means...you put faith in something other than science. Doctors are supposed to trust in medicine. They are supposed to accept science above everything else. If I was religious...if everyone knew...People would think that I didn't-you think I'm crazy right?"

Jackson began drawing small circles on the back of her hand. It was strangely comforting. She liked it when he held her hand. He did that, drew circles on her. Not just on her hand. He'd done it, elsewhere...in the hotel room. That night. Right before. April liked it. He pursed his lips and sighed.

"No," he began haltingly. "But, you wanna know something I do think?"

"Okay..."

"April, I think you spend entirely too much time being worried about what other people think about you."

For some reason April felt her tears rise again. She doubled over and began to sob. She didn't know why. It was like everything, the plane crash, failing, and losing her virginity welled to the surface. All her feelings, the fear, sadness, insecurity, all of it came rushing down on top of her. She did worry about being disliked. She did worry about what people thought. Back home it had been such a huge part of things. April was always compared to someone in her family. In Moline people always defined her in relation to others. Joe Kepner's red headed kid. Not as pretty as Libby, or as popular as Kimmie or as outgoing as Alice. Mrs. Kepner's bookworm.

Maybe April had internalized it. She knew what it was like to be rejected and she supposed she wanted to stay a step ahead. She worried about what other people thought because she wanted to pre-empt the moments when they would realize she was awkward and nerdy. It was stupid and immature, and really, when faced with things like life or death, unimportant.

Jackson leaned over with her, gently pulling her hands back from her face, and whispering in her ear, "Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I do it too. Everyone does. Shh...but listen, you know what else I think? We all worry so much about what other people think...we worry so much, but I think that other people are really much more fixated on themselves. They are much more worried about their own stuff than they are about you. Or me. Or anyone."

April's shoulders rose as she took deep and steady breaths, working to calm herself. Yes, Jackson was probably right about that. Mostly. But April also knew, that sometimes people did go out of their way to pick on others. Maybe it was out of spite, or because of a lack of empathy or because they wanted to tease before someone did it to them. But it did happen. It happened to her a lot. No matter if she was a good church going farm girl in Moline, or a Chief Resident in a Seattle hospital.

When she'd calmed down, Jackson leaned back so that they were both sitting up. Jackson frowned and said, "But what does your faith really mean to you? Never mind what other people might think or being a doctor or any of it. Why is it important to you?"

April huffed uncomfortably, "Things are really confusing right now...I don't even know if I really still believe..."

Jackson looked up and glanced around the small hospital chapel where they sat, "And yet, you still came here."

April tilted her head to one side, taking in the small church around them. the place was ruthlessly generic and non-denominational, like most hospital chapels. The catholic affiliation of St. John's hospital was clearly visible, however at the front of the rows of pews. There was a large altar draped in fabric, with a bible and a rosary sitting on it. Behind there was a large cross. All signs and symbols that she recognized. Ones that had once brought her comfort. Still did on some level, however inexplicably.

"I did. I came here," April repeated slowly. She couldn't help but feel comfort from sitting in here. Even after everything. Even though she didn't understand why God would let bad things happen to people she cared about. Even if she knew she would probably never measure up to being a good Christian ever again. Not now. Jesus still brought her comfort.

She leaned her head down to Jackson's shoulder, frowning in thought. Finally April began to explain haltingly, "I guess...I guess I'm drawn to my faith for the same reason I am drawn to medicine.

Jackson looked at her curiously, but allowed her to continue. April swallowed, trying to find a way to put her thoughts into words that made sense, "It's...they explain things. Everything. It's like rules. Or...math...something happens and there is a clear cause and a clear result. Faith lays order over the unknown. It's supposed to anyway. I thought it did."

"How would it do that?"

"Like...someone sins, and then something bad happens to them so they learn. Like you get a virus and you get sick. You do all the right things and you get to go to paradise. Justice. Rules. Order. You know how things happen and when they'll happen. And why."

"I think I understand. So you...thought you failed because God was punishing you for having sex? Karma basically."

Tears threatened to fall again, and April rubbed at her eyes, "Yes. No. Sort of...I mean, there was a balance to everything. A higher purpose. I need a sense of purpose. I knew my life had a plan. And Jesus...Jesus is someone who'd never give up on you. He might be hard to learn from, but he never left you behind. I always had Him. Now? I'm not so sure. And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out."

Jackson swallowed hard and looked at his feet, "April, I'm sorry I took adv-"

She sniffed and shook her head, "It wasn't like that, Jackson. I told you. If anything, I took advantage of you. I...I'm not the same person I was in Moline. And I wanted...it's like I said: I loved having sex with you, Jackson. I shouldn't let myself, because it's messed up, but I don't regret it. Even if I have to suffer for it for the rest of my life..."

"You really don't regret it?"

"No. I can't. It felt good."

It was true. She couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. Even the kiss this morning. It was all so messed up. But April couldn't stop thinking about it. Or remembering how it had felt to touch Jackson. And how it'd felt for Jackson to touch her.

"Look, I know premarital sex is against your faith and everything, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I mean Jesus forgives right? Your...you being...you feeling sensuality; I don't think it means you're a bad Christian," Jackson looked her in the eye, holding her gaze intensely, as though he could make her agree by sheer force of will.

April shrugged. Maybe it did and maybe it didn't. She wasn't sure she cared about it from that angle anymore to be honest. The being a good Christian ship had probably already sailed. She'd let pride and lust get the best of her. It was a different ramification that was tearing her up inside. Something that April didn't think Jackson would understand.

"I'm...I'm not exactly the kind of girl guys like," April mumbled sadly, staring determinedly at her knees. "But I do-I did want to get married. I want to have a family. But now...well, some guys like-so maybe they'd have wanted...well. Virginity was about all I had going for me...and now I'm gonna end up alone."

She couldn't really see any other reason someone would want her. April didn't think she had hope of being loved anymore. Especially when she wasn't sure she even love herself.

"No, no, no," Jackson lifted her chin so they were eye to eye. April kind of wanted to kiss him again. The urge was there, but she was all to aware of the fact that they were basically in a church. In a hospital. Where their friends were fighting for their lives.

Jackson continued shaking his head, "No, April. You're worth more than that...you have everything going for you. You're smart, you're funny, kind, hard working, beautiful-"

"Whiny, annoying, petty, selfish, immature-"

"That's not how I see you. You're human, April. Why don't you believe in yourself more?"

April sniffed and turned away from him. Jackson didn't mean that. Right? He couldn't. He was just saying it because she was a mess. Because she was a mess, when his ex-girl friend had just died and April knew that she should be the one comforting him. As usual, she was screwing things up. She couldn't let herself believe he meant what he said. Because guys like Jackson never went for girls like April.

"If we're supposed to be talking," she said sharply, pulling away from him, and trying to avoid further discussing the topic at hand. "How come you're the only one asking questions?"

"You can ask me anything April. Anything."

Alex winced as he watched Robbins uncomfortably fall back under the influence of her medications. He hadn't meant to wake her up. He was only checking in. She looked so pale. And so freakin' small. His larger than life, dedicated and occasionally intimating mentor now looked startlingly fragile. Not just because of the amputation.

He held her hand, even though he knew it wasn't something she was probably aware of. But Alex had remembered Arizona telling once about the power of human touch. Kids, babies, people. Even the most severe patients benefit from a little touch. So he'd do it for her, for whatever it was worth. He gulped and let his gaze flick down to her stump. Holding Robbins hand was literally the least he could do.

She'd been in his God damn seat! His seat. His spot. Alex knew that it should have been him on that plane. His leg that should have been cut. His life should be utterly changed. Robbins had a kid for crying out loud. And a wife. People who loved her. And Alex knew that Robbins was ten times a better person than he was.

By rights, he should be the one in this bed. Alex knows that. Nothing anyone says, or tries to convince him or whatever is going to change the facts. They were undeniable. He'd picked Hopkins without even talking to her about it, and Arizona had been pissed, and she'd kicked him off the case. There was no way she'd have done it if he hadn't have blindsided her with Hopkins. The whole thing was entirely his fault.

When Alex was sure she'd fallen safely asleep again, he slowly rose to his feet and headed into the hall way. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and held it in his hand, debating whether or not he should call or text Callie about Robbins semi-conscious moment. Well, he was probably reading too much into the whole thing anyway. It really hadn't been much more than a whimper and an eye flutter anyway. And whatever. Would it make Torres feel better or worse? Worse probably. And she needed her sleep or whatever. Alex decided to send a brief text.

He walked down a hall, taking deep breaths and trying to keep himself calm. As usual his emotions boiled over, and as he passed an empty cart, Alex couldn't help himself from reaching out and punching it. He found some satisfaction when the thing clattered loudly to the pain he felt in his fist on impact was nothing compared to what Robbins was feeling. Or Mer. Sloan. It was nothing compared to what Lexie must have felt. Cristina had told him Lex had been crushed under the plane. Crushed.

And Alex should have been there. By rights and everything he should have. With all his crap and attitude and all of it, he thought he'd have been the one who should have died. Better people than him had been lost. Slowly, he continued walking down the hall, off to check on Shepherd and Sloan. Alex didn't understand why life always seemed to give him the short end of the stick. Because this whole survivors guilt thing? Or whatever?

Totally sucked.

Derek couldn't sleep. The nurses who came in and out of the room to made a point to remind him that he needed his rest. He needed to recover. He was so tired. But Derek couldn't sleep.

He lifted his good hand and ran it down his face, shaking his head in disbelief. He still couldn't believe everything that had happened. Lexie...Lexie. Derek was entirely at blame for that. He hadn't even needed a second set of hands for this particular surgery. It was just that conjoined twins were rare and interesting. And he knew that his sister in law turned protoge hadn't had the chance to actually scrub in on the last one they'd had at Seattle Grace herself. And Derek had been playing matchmaker a bit too. Mark was going on the trip too. Perhaps going to Boise together would have helped them work out their issues. His best friend. His sister in law. Derek had thought...he'd thought that the whole trip might be fun for Lexie. Fun.

Meredith would never forgive him. If she lived. He'd never forgive himself.

"Dude," Alex Karev was leaning in the doorway, unnoticed by Derek until he spoke. "You should be asleep."

Ignoring the other man's statement, Derek desperately asked, "How's Meredith?"

"She'd want you to sleep too," Alex ducked his head sheepishly, cramming his hands in his pockets. "She's out of surgery. They stopped the brain bleed. Stable for now."

"How did she respond to the preliminary neuro exam?"

Alex swallowed, "She has a good chance."

Derek didn't need optimism or platitudes, "How did she respond?"

"68th percentile."

Not the worst. Not the best either.

"Yang somehow swindled them into letting her and Mer share a room. nun's are pushovers," Karev said awkwardly. They'd never really had that close of a relationship, Derek realized. Alex had become part of his life, in much the same way Cristina had. They were both a part of his wife. Like the three of them were a package deal. For better or for worse.

"Hunt's with them now. It is what it is right now. She's alive. Flexing her fingers. And now her brain isn't swelling or whatever anymore..."

Derek took a deep shaking breath and leaned back on his pillow. He flexed the fingers on his good hand. He couldn't lose Meredith. He couldn't afford to lose his wife and his career. Not the two loves of his life. Meredith and surgery. What would Zola be left with? A shell of a man.

"And how are the others?"

"Well," Alex replied. "Robbins...lost her leg, but her prognosis is actually pretty good. Well...not exactly...I just mean-She's not gonna die. They're monitoring for infection. Cristina's doing okay. Her shoulder should take a few months to heal."

"And Mark?"

"Sloan's not good."

"I wouldn't think so," Derek replied, blinking rapidly. He'd seen Mark's injuries up close. His bottom lip quivered. He couldn't imagine facing what his best friend was facing, on top of all that. Knowing the person he loved most was dead. And if Mark died too. Derek didn't know how he would live with himself. Because the fact that they'd both been on the plane was entirely his fault.

"You okay?" Karev said quietly after a few moments of silence.

"No."

"Try to get some sleep, dude. I'll be back," Alex said, gulping uncomfortably, as he turned to leave.

Staring blankly at the room around him, Derek didn't reply. He didn't sleep either.

Jackson reached his hand to April's knee and watched as she struggled to formulate her question. He felt like he was understanding her in a whole different way. She was still very much the person he knew, and maybe...She was still the person he knew and loved. But her faith seemed to inform much of the April he knew. Her faith as much as her home. He had to wonder about Moline. Just a little bit. He'd always been a city boy himself. And from his perspective, right now, cities seemed a little better.

But Jackson actually thought that April grappling with her beliefs was a good thing. The Avery's had never been at all religious, but he did have relatives on his mother's side that were pretty hardcore something. Came from the bible belt. He could remember his Grandma Fox telling him when he was a kid, "Everybody have to find their own path, Jackie. Don' you just go blindly listenin' to what some fool tells you. You believe what you what you know to be true! What you figure out wit' ya own mind. It's gon' take longer, and it's gon' be harder, but thinkin' for yo'self is the only way you really grow."

She'd been talking about God and churches back then, and she'd probably only said it because, as the 'pretty one', his family had thought he'd be the most susceptible to blind belief. But Jackson had taken it to heart. He'd always tried to stand on his own and make his own decisions about things. He thought April was on her way to doing so too.

And most of all Jackson was happy to know that in the midst of all the confusion, insecurity and self doubt he'd heard his best friend talk about so far, the one thing she'd admitted to being absolutely sure about was the fact that she didn't regret having sex with him. He figured this had to mean something for them. And he wanted to believe it was good. He chose to believe that. When April finally spoke, it all came out in a rush.

"Jackson...why did you...I mean, I know I kind of," she lowered her chin and flushed deeply. "I kind of j-jumped you, but why do you...let me? I mean...I know you didn't really want to- and..."

"Who says I didn't want to?"

April jutted her jaw forward and tilted her head to one side sternly, "It's not like you were ever interested in me...like...like that way. I know that. I just...was it-did you do it out of pity?"

"No," Jackson answered firmly, taking her hand back in his own. He continued, "I have to tell you, April, I know you won't believe me...but confidence? It really works for you."

Her brow furrowed in confusion, "What?"

"You worry all this stuff about being too weird and all that. But sometimes you don't care and you're just like, 'Screw it.' " Sometimes literally. A faint smile pulled at his lips as he remembered the times when April had had enough and just let loose.

"Like when you punched that guy. Or when you, when we...well... when you are confident, it is a thing to see. It's hot. It's beautiful. I know you don't think I mean it, but I do."

"Well...thanks."

They stayed silent for a moment.

Jackson pursed his lips, "I...the first time...I did it for friendship."

"For friendship? How does that even make sense?" April narrowed her eyes.

"For friendship. Because that's what you needed right then. And...I'd do anything for you. I love you."

The look on her face. Her eyes widened, and darted over to him for a split second before she seemingly pulled herself back, sinking into the pew and mouthing 'only as a friend'. Jackson swallowed. She had no idea. And how could she? He hadn't had much of one either until this morning. In fact on some level he hadn't known until this very moment. Jackson's love for April had snuck up on him so easily that it seemed effortless. Like it had always been there. And unconscious an act as breathing. April sniffed and blinked rapidly.

He ran his thumb on the back of her hand, making slow small circles. He realized that for some reason, he couldn't resist the motion. After another moment of silence Jackson spoke again.

"And the second time, I did it...because I wanted to. I wanted you. I love you."

At the deliberate emphasis he made on that word, April's mouth opened. She went to speak and then did a double take. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish and she stuttered, "Uh, do you- you don't mean...you can't mean...you love me..."

"No...no," April continued, beginning to talk herself out of the very possibility that Jackson might love her. "You-you're confused. Because...of all this. Because of Lexie. Because we slept together. Guys like you...don't pick girls like me."

"I do! I'm not confused. I'm thinking clearly for the first time in a while."

Jackson realized that he was. He knew that he didn't love Lexie. Not like this. It wasn't as effortless as breathing. Not matter how sad he was that she was gone. His feelings for April were unlike any he could ever remember feeling before. And he was laying it all down on the line right here. Right now. Because it was like Sloan said. Don't wait. No one knows how much time they have.

"I think we shouldn't ignore what happened," he pressed on. "I've never felt this way...there's a spark! April, a spark and time isn't something we can count on. People wait and wait and never say how they feel because they always think there will be a tomorrow. They think a better time will come along. But you know what? We both know that tomorrow might not always be there. So I'm telling you, if you could ever...if you think could ever feel the same way...I think, maybe, me and you...we should try. "

"Try. Try..." she repeated the word over again as though she was trying to wrap her mind around it. Get her mouth used to the word. Her mind used to the concept. Jackson chose to count the fact that April didn't say no right away as a good thing.

Finally, she asked, "Are you saying you want to date me?

"Yes."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"You really mean it?"

Jackson reached over and pulled her into a deep kiss. April responded for a moment and they both got a little bit lost and then Jackson groaned as April pushed back from him.

"We're in a church!" she hissed.

"Chapel."

"At a hospital," April continued indignantly.

"Do you believe me now?" Jackson grinned, in spite of everything.

"Yes," April replied slowly. "Okay...we can-I mean after this...when we're not...here," she purposefully glanced around the dim chapel. "We can try...me and you."

"Me and you."

Jackson couldn't really believe it. Taking Sloan's advice had been a bit of a gamble. A risk. Especially with April. But somehow, it had actually worked. Somehow, living in one of the very worst moments in his life, might have opened might have opened the door to the possibility of the very best. He threw his arm over April's shoulder and they rested their heads against each other, taking what comfort they could from the moment. But after a beat, Jackson sensed that they were not alone.

He turned slowly, and his heart sank as he saw Alex standing in the doorway at the back of the room. Damn it. Jackson felt his composure slipping and he held April closer. He turned and looked straight ahead at the altar in the front of the chapel. April turned her head and looked over her shoulder to Alex and bit her lip as she turned to look back at Jackson sympathetically. They all knew. Jackson could tell that much. They all knew, and no one wanted to speak the words out loud. He might as well do it.

"Mark is dead," Jackson stated, unable to stop his voice from cracking. "He's dead, isn't he?"

Karev grimaced and nodded slowly. April took a deep breath and wrapped both her arms around Jackson, rubbing his back soothingly as he broke down a little bit. Mark was dead. He'd never know his last piece of advice to Jackson had worked. He'd never get the chance to see how Jackson did in his fellowship. He'd never even get to see his own daughter grow up. So many nevers.

And right then, Jackson wanted April's faith more than anything else. Because he wanted to believe that somehow, in something after, Sloan had found Lexie. Jesus. They should have that at least.