Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, its characters or storyline. This collection is mine, as is Jake. There were quite a few ways that this ditty could have gone, but in keeping with my Alliance universe, this is how it turned out. Plenty of fun little inside-jokes in this one for those familiar with my other works. Enjoy!
..:-X-:..
011 – Stag Night
(For Axenthia; Prompt: 'belated bachelor party')
"Two pair." Leon said, placing his cards face up on the table.
"Ah, Hell." Cid groaned and threw his hand of cards down with a grumble.
Jake did the same. "I'm out."
Leon looked across the table to Cloud, waiting for his reaction. The blond puffed lightly on his cigar, exhaling smoke and looking back at him evenly. They had the house all to themselves, since Aerith and Yuffie had dragged Tifa out for a girls' night. After Cid had busted out the box of cigars, the group had taken their game out to the back porch.
Cloud shifted slightly in his seat before dropping his cards down. "Full house."
"Dammit." Leon mumbled, as Cloud raked the chips toward himself with a triumphant grin.
"Kid, your poker face is downright unnerving." Cid shook his head, taking up the cards and re-shuffling them.
Jake looked down at his cell phone absently, sending yet another text message. Leon cast him a wary look.
"No, Jake." He said firmly.
Jake looked up. "Huh? I was only—"
"I don't care. No."
Cid snickered and Cloud took the cigar from his mouth. "What's he doing?"
All three of them looked at Jake accusingly, and he stood firm for a whole two seconds before cracking. "Her name is Candy. She's tall, red-head, and really flexible."
Cloud choked on smoke and Cid snorted.
"No." Leon pointed at Jake. "No strippers."
"What?" Both Jake and Cid looked at him at that.
Leon looked at them. "This whole idea is backward anyway, but I let you drag me into it. I draw the line at strippers."
"What man draws the line at strippers?" Cid looked aghast.
"A married one." Leon rounded on Cid.
"This is a bachelor party—" Jake started.
"I'm already married!"
"—belated bachelor party." Jake corrected smoothly. "It's not our fault that you got married before we could throw you a proper one, and a proper one demands scantily clad women!"
"Did Tifa specifically say no strippers?" Cid argued.
"No, but—"
"But…"
"It's the principal of the thing!" Leon argued. "Besides, Cloud's already gambled nearly 50 munny out of me."
Cloud replaced the cigar between his lips with a smirk. "Damn skippy."
"And," Leon went on, "This is the most I've been out of the house in three days."
"This is the back porch." Cid snorted.
"It's still outside the house. Not much of anywhere else I can go while I'm gimpy." Leon pointed to the heavy brace around his knee, having just come home three days ago since having knee surgery after wrenching it badly out of joint in a recent mission.
"Which is why Candy is perfect!" Jake snapped his fingers. "She's really flexible, believe me, so she won't mess up any of—" He gestured to the knee brace. "Consider it a wedding gift." He checked his phone again before Leon could protest. "And she's about five minutes away."
"Five…She can't come here." Leon barked.
Cid chuckled. "Sounds like it's too late."
"Then call her and cancel." Leon rounded back on Jake.
Before Jake could argue, Cloud had stood up. "I've got a better idea, and one that involves clothes staying on." He noted, walking toward the back door of Leon and Tifa's house.
"Why is this a big deal?" Jake looked amused. "You've been around strippers before."
Leon didn't respond to that.
Cid guffawed, "You're kidding me. Never?"
Leon shifted uncomfortably. "I've kept a clean record and I'd like to keep it that way…especially now that I'm MARRIED." He emphasized.
Cloud came back outside with a white sheet draped over one arm and a box under the other. He set the box down and started unfolding the sheet. The doorbell rang, and Cloud and Cid looked over to Jake and Leon. Jake and Leon exchanged a look and then Jake sprang to his feet.
"I'll get it!" He darted into the house to answer the door.
"No, hey!" Leon started to go after him, but his bum knee prevented him from pursuing.
Cloud snickered, hanging up the white sheet and pulling out a game console. He tugged out a wireless controller and tossed it to Leon. "Think fast."
Leon caught the thing and looked to Cloud quizzically. "What is this?"
Cloud finished hooking up the console and projector and flipped them on. The projector shot a 'start game' screen onto the hanging white sheet. He lifted a game case. "Newest release."
Jake opened the back door and returned to the porch, leading behind him a leggy young woman with wild, curly red hair. "Guys, I would like you to meet Candy."
Candy had perfectly manicured nails, very light eye make up, and was wearing a skin tight green blouse and leather skirt that left little to the imagination. She took the shoulder bag from her arm and set it down on the floor boards, offering a little wave.
"Boys." She greeted with a coy smile.
"Ma'am." Cid lit himself a fresh cigar and lifted his eyebrows at Leon, who looked nearly half his actual age at the moment and scared out of his wits at the sight of the woman.
"So who's the lucky groom-to-be?" Candy rolled her shoulders, the blouse working hard to contain her ample bosom.
"There is no groom-to-be." Leon was waving his hands in front of his face.
"First timer, eh?" She winked.
"Never-timer." Leon commented, looking to Cid imploringly for help.
Cloud finished hooking up the game. "Guys, if he doesn't want a stripper, then he doesn't want a stripper."
Jake looked like the wind had been let out of his sails. "Seriously? Aw, c'mon."
Leon pointed around the porch. "One day, my kids are going to play on this porch, and I don't want it to be the same porch where I got a lap dance from someone who wasn't their mother." He glared at Jake. "Just pay the lady for her trouble and let her go home."
Jake still looked reluctant, but Candy tilted her head, "That's really sweet." She looked over to the game on the projector screen. "Is that the newest release? I heard the creators re-designed the fifth level so that the camera motion doesn't jar in the corners."
Cid straightened, "Hey, why don't we let the lady stay anyway? All clothes can stay on." He negotiated with a wink.
Cloud pulled his chair away from the table and set it in front of the projector screen, taking up his own hand controller. He exchanged a look with Leon, who rolled his eyes and looked to Jake and Cid.
"Fine." He took a hold of his crutches and maneuvered to his feet, shuffling around the poker table and meandering across the porch.
This wasn't exactly going as he'd thought it would. He hoped Tifa was having better luck with her belated bachelorette party than he was with this party.
Jake made a gesture that said 'make yourself at home' and Candy did so, taking a seat at the table across from Cid, who offered her a cigar after clipping the end for her. She took it with a nod and struck a match against the heel of her shoe, lighting the cigar.
Cloud hooked his foot around one of the chairs and tugged it over in front of the projector screen wordlessly. Leon took the offering and sat down, gingerly propping his leg up on a nearby chair and setting his crutches side. Taking up the controller, he looked to Cloud.
"I'm gonna get back all that munny that you swindled me out of earlier." He threatened hollowly, looking at the controller. "Player Two, really?"
Cloud snickered, "I'm always Player One." He clicked into the game.
For a few minutes, things settle down after that. Leon and Cloud got into their game—which quickly escalated into a full-blown competition, complete with swearing and threatening bodily harm—and Cid dealt out a round of cards for himself, Jake, and Candy.
"We could up the stakes." Jake offered. "Strip poker?"
"What happened to clothes staying on?" Candy prompted, but she was grinning.
"Leon's not even paying attention anymore…" Jake waved off the concern.
Across the porch, Leon was practically leaning sideways, trying to get his avatar to run faster to the left. "Run, you bastard!"
"Got you in my sights, loser!" Cloud was punching the attack button on his controller like a madman beside him.
Candy chuckled, "I don't think you really want to play strip poker against me, handsome." She winked, "We all might end up seeing more of you than anyone here would like."
Cid snorted as Jake turned red.
"Challenge accepted." Jake held his hand of cards up to his eyes.
Cid poured three shots of tequila out for them. "Bottoms up."
Several rounds of cards and shots later, the cards were abandoned—most of them being sticky with alcohol by then anyway. Jake huffed from where he sat, gathering up his clothes that Candy had single-handedly gambled off of him. Across the table, Candy, having lost only her shoes and blouse, was sitting on the table in front of Cid, who had also only lost his shoes.
"I'm going home." Jake announced sourly.
"What time is it?" Leon glanced over and then nearly dropped his controller to shield his eyes. "Where are your clothes?"
"Too early for naked time." Jake said, tugging his pants back on and untangling his shirt.
Cloud laughed at him, but was distracted long enough that Leon snatched the controller from his hands and flung it out into the yard.
"Dick." Cloud said, getting up and going to retrieve it.
Jake pulled his shirt over his head, shoving his arms through the sleeves. "Leon, it's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun." He offered a smirk. "Enjoy life with the old ball and chain."
Leon—a little tipsy at this point thanks to Cid's forceful round of shots—sent him a lazy salute and proceeded to finish destroying Cloud's player in their game.
"Ack, hey, you sonova—" Cloud scrambled to get back into playing range, nearly faceplanting in his rush.
Unfortunately, Leon had thoroughly finished him off by that point and shot him a smug, slightly drunk look. Cloud frowned and looked over to Cid and Candy. At this point, the woman had reclined across the table and drawn lines of salt and tequila across her stomach, while Cid proceeded to do the body shot on her.
Candy sat up, "Y'know, usually it's the best man who pays my rate for things like this."
Cid and Cloud looked to Leon. Since there had been no traditional 'wedding', there had been no traditional 'best man', and honestly, Leon hadn't spared any of that a second thought…
"Well, this was Jake's idea…" Cid suggested.
…though Jake Alms probably wouldn't have even been invited to the wedding, if there had been one.
"…and I nabbed his credit card before he left." Cid held up the plastic card.
Cloud snorted, "Sounds valid to me."
Cid grinned as Candy lay out another line of body shot. "Thank you, Jake." He said wistfully.
Meanwhile across town…
The bass of the music thundered through the floor as the disco lights flashed across every surface in the club: table, drinks, and skin. Wearing the gaudy 'bachelorette' tiara that Yuffie had forced on her, Tifa took another drink from her pina colada.
On the stage in front of her, three men—a cop, a firefighter, and a soldier—continued to suggestively remove their hats, jackets, and more as they danced. She laughed as Yuffie catcalled and bobbed in her seat beside her.
On Tifa's other side, Aerith threw back another shot of whiskey and yelled. "Take it all off!"
..:-X-:..
A/N: Having a weird weekend apparently causes me to write a brain-fart chapter. My apologies, but I hope it was enjoyable anyway!