Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, its characters or storyline. This collection is mine, as are Jake and McCallister. I also do not have any affiliation with the Princess and the Frog or Harry Potter. Enjoy.

..:-X-:.

020 – Three Men and a Toad

(For The Sacred and Profane; Prompt: 'Tifa gets hit by a Toad spell and Squall isn't exactly a maiden.')

"And it HAS to be a fair maiden?" Leon asked.

Beside him, Cloud tilted his head at the sight before them. "Exclusively."

Tifa huffed from where position on the chair. "Can you stop staring?"

"No." Cloud responded.

"Not really." Leon replied.

"Of all the…first I get turned into an elephant, then I get turned into a wart hog, then I shrink to a mere six inches tall. And now THIS? And all of those solutions, solved by magic, but for THIS I have be kissed by a princess?" Tifa fumed.

"Thank you, universe." Cloud snickered.

Leon, however, took pity on his wife-turned-toad. "It's not our fault." He squatted down to her level to get a better look at the transformation. "We looked through every single text that Merlin owns, called Yen Sid, and even texted the Fairy Godmother."

Tifa folded her froggy arms, looking cross, "Yeah, after you two idiots stopped laughing at me."

"—They all said the same thing." Leon went on. "And unfortunately, neither of us is a maiden nor a princess."

"Speak for yourself." Cloud snarked, arms folded.

"I'm sorry." Leon straightened, looking at him. "Who got tricked into wearing a purple dress and a wig?"

"Certainly not the same guy who went undercover in a strip club as a woman named Candy." Cloud shot back.

"Enough!" Tifa hopped across the couch. "Okay, fine. If there's no actual spell that will undo this, we just have to find a princess, is all."

Cloud and Leon stopped their bickering long enough to look at her.

"Yuffie has some royal blood in her, doesn't she?" Leon remembered, "Her dad's side."

"But she's in Atlantica for the next week." Cloud pointed out.

"Some of Aerith's family are related to the old line of priestesses…That's…kind of like royalty." Tifa suggested.

"Cetra." Cloud clarified. "But she's in Agrabah consulting with the Sultan and his creepy advisor…Who knows how long that'll take."

"Okay…um…which is more important, the maiden bit or the royal bit?" Tifa asked.

"Does it matter? Neither of us have 'maiden bits'." Cloud did air-quotes.

"Speak for yourself." Leon sassed. "Besides, even disregarding that, I don't have any royal blood."

"You're King of the Assholes to me." Cloud offered with a shit-eating grin.

"Just try it please?" Tifa pleaded. "For me."

Leon grimaced and picked her up with both hands. "You better love me for this."

Cloud had his camera-phone out. "Sooo much." He snickered.

Leon glared at him and then kissed Tifa the Toad before he could talk himself out of it. It was quick and it was sloppy, but when he pulled away, Tifa was still a green-skinned amphibian in his hands.

"Well," Leon said stoicly. "It appears to not have worked."

Tifa rolled her eyes, "Okay, you did your husbandly duty. You can put me down."

Leon hastily set her down and frantically wiped at his mouth. "Why did you use tongue?"

"It's nearly a foot long; did I have a choice?" Tifa snapped at him.

Cloud snickered again, saving the picture to his phone.

While Leon scrubbed at his tongue, Tifa looked to Cloud. "What are you giggling about? Your turn now, hot shot."

Cloud hesitated. "But Leon already tried."

"And failed."

"What makes me any different?"

"You're…blond? I don't know, just do it." Tifa gestured.

"But you two are married." Cloud pointed to her and Leon. "He hates me for just looking in your direction sometimes."

"Well, right now you're staring at me and I'm completely naked." Tifa gestured to her frog body. "He doesn't appear to care too much."

They both looked over at Leon, who had composed himself.

"Just do it, man." He said, looking defeated.

"Fine, but only because I'm a great friend." Cloud pointed out, kneeling to Tifa's level.

Cloud kissed Tifa the Toad, and once again, nothing happened…except more manly disgust. Besides that, in the middle of Cloud's attempt, the door opened and Jake Alms walked in. He started, staggered, and then just stared as the scene unfolded in front of him.

"Well, you tried." Tifa shrugged as Cloud darted to rinse his mouth out.

"Okay…" Jake lifted a hand to his temple. "I was always warned not to drink the water in the bong…but…did that just happen?"

Leon and Tifa looked at him.

"Jake, are you royalty?" Tifa asked.

"You DRINK it?" Leon squinted one eye.

"The toad speaks!" Jake pointed wildly. "Why is it speaking? Tell me you are seeing this too, dude!"

"It's Tifa, you moron." Leon said. "There was an incident with a spellbook—"

"That's what we're calling it then." Tifa shrugged.

"—and she was turned into a toad. Now we have to find a fair maiden or princess or whatever to kiss her and return her to normal."

Jake stood there for a moment, looking bewildered. Then he pointed at Cloud, still looking at Leon. "And what part of EITHER of you two is maiden-y or princess-y?"

"It was worth a shot, okay?" Cloud argued.

"Wait…and you asked me if I was royalty?" Jake pointed to himself, looking to Tifa.

"Yeah, I'm just exercising all my options here." Tifa said.

Jake rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry…No dice. Unless there was a King of Awesome, and then…guilty." He struck a little pose.

Tifa and Leon exchanged a flat look.

"Maybe try it anyway." Tifa suggested. "Kissing a frog, that's probably on your bucket list, right?"

"Well, kissing Tifa Lockhart is on my bucket list." Jake tilted his head.

Leon snarled a bit.

"But I never imagined she would be in frog form." Jake finished pensively.

"Are you done?" Tifa snapped.

Jake popped his knuckles and picked her up. "Ladies always line up for some Jake lovin'." He said, kissing her then.

Again, nothing happened.

After, Jake looked at Tifa, saw she was still a Toad, shrugged, and set her back down.

"Ah, worth a shot, right?"

Leon and Cloud stared at him, rather at his lack of revulsion. Jake noticed and shrugged.

"Not the weirdest thing I've done today."

Cloud narrowed one eye, "You—"

"Jake," Leon said, grasping the man's shoulder in a older-brother fashion, "Stop drinking the water in the bong, buddy."

Jake nodded sheepishly.

"Now what?" Tifa lamented. "I'm just going to be a toad until Yuffie or Aerith get back."

"Not necessarily." Leon thought out loud.

The others looked at him.

Leon paused. "I can't guarantee anything…but I think I remember processing Tabaeus McCallister's paperwork. Her grandmother married the prince of…somewhere."

"McCallister is a princess?" Jake's eyes glinted.

"No." Leon corrected, "But she might have enough royal blood to make this work."

"Give her a call." Tifa prompted.

Five minutes later…

"I thought you said this was an emergency?" Private McCallister said, standing in Merlin's living room with Leon, Cloud, Jake, and Tifa the Toad.

"It is." Leon said. "A…frog-related…emergency."

"Tifa was turned into a frog and needs a fair maiden princess to kiss her." Jake explained.

Cloud leaned toward Leon, "How can he explain that without sounding like a complete idiot?"

"He's Jake." Leon answered.

McCallister looked from Jake to Tifa. "Seriously?"

"As a heart attack." Tifa replied. "So…your grandma married a prince?"

"Yeah." McCallister looked bewildered.

"Then pucker up." Tifa faced her.

McCallister looked to Leon, her superior officer, a plea for help in her eyes.

In answer, Leon, Cloud, and Jake all just pulled out their camera-phones and aimed them at the ready.

With a sigh, McCallister squatted in front of Tifa, who was perched on the table, closed her eyes, leaned in, and forced herself to kiss her. Three camera clicks followed, as did a swirl of pink and green light that enveloped Tifa, morphing her back into her human self.

As the light faded, the others blinked and all of them realized that the magic of turning a toad back into a human did not cover the returning of clothes.

"Oh." Tifa looked down at her stark naked self.

Cloud abruptly spun so that his back was to her, flushing red madly. Leon snatched up a blanket from the couch and gave it to her so she could cover herself up. Jake had a nosebleed and collapsed to the floor in a wide-eyed heap.

"Why didn't you look like THAT when I kissed you?" Jake gawked.

McCallister frowned at him, folding her arms.

Tifa held the blanket around herself. "Oh God, you did kiss me, didn't you?"

She darted into the kitchen to rinse her mouth out.

McCallister turned on her heel to look at the three men. "Seriously?"

All three of them exchanged looks.

"Are you three stupid?" She balled her fists at her sides. "It took you guys three failed attempts to realize that you aren't women?"

"Well…maybe we thought that since she was a girl frog, she needed a prince." Cloud lied through his teeth.

McCallister rolled her eyes. "And yet you called me?"

"Yer just mad because I kissed another woman." Jake teased, getting to his feet.

"That—you are—there is—" McCallister fumed, smacking him back to the floor.

"Calm down, McCallister." Leon started.

The soldier almost snapped at him too, but just barely stopped herself.

"Five points from Gryffindor for you two, and five from Hufflepuff." She snapped. "For just being…stupid men."

"Wait, which one is from Hufflepuff?" Jake asked.

Cloud and Leon—as well as McCallister—looked at him flatly.

Fed up, McCallister stomped over to the front door. "Morons." She announced, leaving the house and slamming the door after herself.

The three of them continued to stand there awkwardly.

"Did we just get yelled at by MCCALLISTER?" Cloud looked boggled.

..:-X-:..

A/N: Why? Because Harry Potter. As of this chapter, I am no longer taking prompts for this collection, due to time constraints and other things eating my life right now. I will fill all prompts that have already been submitted over the next few weeks.

The line where Tifa talks about being turned in an elephant and a wart hog are references from earlier works of mine that were prompt-fueled also, as was the reference to Leon dressing like a woman named Candy.

Full prompt: "Tifa gets hit by a Toad spell and Squall isn't exactly a maiden. Cloud suggests cross-dressing and letting Squall kiss Tifa. (Aerith and Yuffie are out of town.)"

Sassy McCallister was sassy in this chapter. I regret nothing.