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Heart Beat – Chapter 4: "Cough Syrup"
"Life's too short to even care at all oh… I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control…"
The first time she returns to their apartment is three days after the accident. It's cold but she can't tell if it's from forgetting to put the heat up before she went for her coffee or if it's because he isn't here with her, safe and sound. Regardless, Ally wraps her arms around herself and can't bear to move five feet into the apartment before taking everything in.
Dishes fill the kitchen sink, a blanket lies haphazardly on the crème couch, and handfuls of marshmallows clutter around the coffee table (all thanks to Austin & Dez).
She chokes back a sob as she walks over to the table. Her hand is shaky as she grabs for the loose food items. Oh gosh, she had yelled at him so many times about cleaning up after himself and damn, she just wishes he could be here. Her right hand clutched the marshmallows, using her left to cuddle herself in the blanket. He was supposed to be sleeping on the couch at four in the morning, not out driving.
A tear slips down her cheek as she lies on her side, wrapped up in the blanket and clutching marshmallows for dear life.
The white walls of the hospital were suffocating her. It began to cause paranoia within her and she needed an escape.
Gleaming tears cloud her eyes while she tries to memorize everything as it is. Because a part of her knows it will never be the same again. A strangled noise escapes her throat before tears flood down her face. She can't stop them from falling and that's okay, she wants to cry until she can't anymore, she needs to cry where no one looks at her, where she can't receive sympathetic looks.
She eventually cries herself to sleep but not for long. Nightmares invade her mind every time she closes her eyes. Ally heard Dez as he told Trish what happened. It took all she had to not make it obvious that she was awake or Dez would stop talking and she needed to know what happened.
When she awakens, she slowly stands and washes her hand, the melted marshmallows smeared all over her palm. Slowly, she makes her way to their bedroom. The door feels ten times heavier than it ever did but when she opens it, all she is able to do is stare.
His white button-up is still thrown carelessly over the chair near his bed. Black dress shoes shine from their spot on the floor, matching pants close by. Ally makes her way over to the clothes. He was supposed to wear these at the meeting he had at nine, the morning of the accident. Her hand reaches out to grab the shirt but stops centimeters from the fabric.
The way the clothes are strewn across the room (Oh, she lost how many times she's chastised him to clean up after himself!), they show that he's still here, that he's still alive, and that he'll come through that door at any second.
But Ally knows that's not true, no matter how much she hopes.
Her hand grabs the shirt and she clutches it to her chest, desperately wishing that it smells like him. The smell that she distinctly remembers as Austin (pancakesguitarpolishsummeryandbreezy) no longer accompanies his body, at least not strongly. His smell was conquered by the hospital, plastic and medicine overwhelming him.
With the shirt clutched to her chest, Ally collapses on her side of the bed, her right side being enveloped by the mattress. Her feet are thrown to her right, sliding over to Austin's side as they usually do. From her side view, she could imagine the blond rockstar lying next to her, his smile brightening the room. Instinctively, Ally smiles back, choking back a sob as she remember that he isn't actually here. No, he isn't smiling, his body isn't moving, he's stuck in a damn hospital with wires and tubes tainting his flawless skin.
Tears blur her vision.
"La, la, la!" Austin sang, horribly and off-key. Ally laughed and followed him as he strummed on his guitar, skipping through their apartment. It still wasn't furnished completely, having only been in it for a few days, so there was plenty of room to frolic through the hallways. He stopped in the living room, twirling in the empty space where their couch would be in a week's time.
The chords from his guitar echoed throughout and Ally quickly ran in after him, smiling and laughing. Austin stopped his spinning at the sight of her and began to jump which Ally hesitantly joined in on. She hoped the neighbors were at work right now because she didn't want their complaints to break this moment.
Austin & Ally paused for a moment, the strumming having been stopped, before looking at each other and breaking into song. Plucking the notes to Ally's favorite song, Austin sang back to her, delighted at the genuine happiness that made its way across her face.
God, she was beautiful, and he couldn't stop himself from grinning. He loved her, he knew that. And she loved him, oh yes he did. But it was in this moment, the moment when they danced down the halls to their bedroom, the only furniture occupying it being a bed with no headboard or footboard, that it truly hit him.
He finished playing the song, watching as Ally twirled and spun around, the edges of her floral skirt flying up a bit. He didn't know what he would do if he couldn't see her face, see the joy that overwhelmed it in this moment, every day for the rest of his life.
He wanted to marry this girl. He wanted to spend every day of his life waking up next to her, seeing her smile, and making her feel loved. He wanted to be the reason why she couldn't wait to wake up the next morning.
Marriage had always been a sore subject when it came to Ally, her parents' long distance relationship not helping their marriage in the least. But Austin was determined to make sure theirs was not like that. She would go on tour with him and they would speak every day. They never go to bed angry and they continue their adventures.
"I love you," Austin breathed as he gripped his guitar. Ally stopped her twirling, turning to him, and her smile widening.
"I love you too," she said as she tried to catch her breath from all the dancing she just did. Austin gave her an identical grin, quickly removing his guitar from his body and moving towards her. His hands took hold of her waist and he pulled her close as she instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck.
In a quick second, Austin's lips enveloped Ally's, the smiles still apparent on their faces. Austin knew how much he loved Ally, and she knew also from how much he told her, but now he wanted show her. Almost effortlessly, he placed an arm behind her knees and literally swept her off her feet, into his arms. Traveling the few steps to the bed, he gently laid Ally on it, hovering over her, the kiss finally breaking.
A shy, small, loving grin danced on Ally's face as she nervously played with Austin's collar. When her eyes met his, he offered the same smile in return. Soon, the gap between their lips closed once more.
Austin woke the next morning with a wide smile on his face. He looked down at the beautiful brunette in his arms, absentmindedly brushing the hair out of her face. He was so in love, too deep to get out even though he never planned on ever stopping loving her.
It was in this moment that he kissed her temple, the idea for track five on his album coming to mind. With a grin, he snuggled back into the sheets, holding Ally closer and fell back asleep.
The shirt has wrinkles and creases galore because of Ally's tight grip. Her eyes are shut tight in an attempt to prevent more tears from falling. She is exhausted, wanting the pain and tears to end. Opening her eyes, she sees that no one is beside, that it is still empty. The sob that escapes her throat is loud, echoing around the room, and her body shakes. In an effort to sit up, something in her back pocket pokes her, causing an unpleasant sensation in her backside.
Sniffling, her nose running once more, Ally releases one hand from her death grip on Austin's shirt and reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a CD case. The cover is see-through, a disc being held tightly within. On the gray disc, "TRACK 5 – ALLY'S SONG" is written in blue sharpie, barely readable due to Austin's messy scrawl that he calls handwriting.
A small, teary eyed smile plays on Ally's face as she looks down at the CD. Dez had given it to her yesterday, saying that this was one of the three things Austin was proudest of. Her finger moves up and down an edge as more tears well up in her brown eyes. She couldn't listen to it, not yet at least. Slowly, she stands, moving towards the living room to grab her bag.
Her hands gently place the CD and shirt in her purse and she grasps her keys, needing something to hold onto as she makes her way towards the door. Oh, how she just wants to be with him, near him, hearing the beeps of the machines, knowing that he's still alive.
The trembling of her hands does not deter her determination, for she will make it back to the hospital. She will be with the one person who will always hold her heart.
She needs to be with Austin just as much as she knows he needs her too.
"Perfect Two" by Auburn really helped me get through the flashback. Oh, and I don't any of the lyrics I put at the beginning of the chapters.
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Until next time!