Disclaimer: Don't own supernatural.

Warning: Contains M/M slash and male pregnancy.

*****This chapter has mentions of a past abortion and the thought of abortion*****

Chapter Nine

Gabriel hadn't been around to visit the Winchesters in weeks. He knew that they would wonder where he was but he couldn't bring himself to even think about what was going through his head at the moment. He could say this was why he ran with the pagans and that it was to avoid having feelings like this but he was lying to himself. He fell in love before and before liking a pagan, he thought she was the center of his world. She really did want to get rid of the baby though when he told her what it could do and not only that but she thought that her parents would disown her if they found out and being that it was the 17th century, they would have tarred her as well.

Killing the unborn child didn't go as planned and she had died. He hadn't lied to Sam when he told him that and he continuously wondered since then if life had any value if it could even be taken from the womb. He didn't think after that though because it would have saved her if it was done right and she wouldn't have died. There were plenty of people making the choice to end a life like that and who was he to tell them differently? It was free choice and if they decided that they didn't want their baby, they had the right.

It wasn't until he met the Winchesters that he began to revisit all the things he thought he knew over centuries. Now he was revisiting the thought of abortions ever since Sam told him he was going to keep their baby, his life be damned. It wasn't the first time a human had done that. Someone got cancer and instead of seeking treatment they sought to save their baby's life, giving up their own chance to live and he always thought those people were selfish. Honestly, they did that knowing they were leaving behind broken people but Sam, Sam wasn't doing it just for the baby. He wanted to believe it was the right choice and he wanted to make all those past mistakes he made right by choosing life.

Castiel visited again.

He had said something about vampires and he made his little brother promise to watch over Sam even though he could tell the angel was wanting him to go over and do it himself. He snorted. The baby might be his and Sam may have stolen his heart at some point but there was no way that he was going to listen to the other angel that hadn't been on earth long sit there and tell him that it was Sam's choice and if he wanted to do something, he had the free will to.

Everything changed when it happened to him.

"This is crazy."

Dean dropped the bag on the floor and Sam nodded his agreement. He was worried that something could happen to the baby since he was technically dead for a good two minutes but he didn't know what to say to the doctors. Sighing, he brought his hand over his baby bump, marveling how it gotten bigger, not by much but he could notice the difference since he needed to go a size up in jeans and his shirts were starting to get tight even. Turning back to Dean, he thought about their little trip to the past. Cas was probably still stuck in the past until he either drew enough grace or somebody went and got him.

Sudden movements in his gut made Sam gasp and put his hand at the spot in surprised shock. He waited with a frown wondering if it was all a fluke and he was just imagining it when it happened again. It felt strange. He had no other way to describe it and it happened once more before Sam was able to place it.

"Dean, my baby is okay."

Dean nodded.

"Good for you. At least we know you two are fine. Stupid Cas I thought he would pick up his phone by now. Should we just call Gabriel and ask him to get his butt in gear and take brotherly responsibility enough to get him?"

Sam frowned and shook his head.

Before Dean could protest, Sam said, "He isn't handling the baby thing well. I know that it seems cruel of him to do but he ran away from his family for so long that nothing affected him. When it did, he took a step back and viewed the problem as an outsider. The phrase, 'I'm not gonna care because it can't happen to me' is a fitting one. He thought that and now he's in love and there's the fact that he now cares too much and he can't just back away from it all Dean. He's not coping very well."

"Well it's his loss. That baby is gonna be better off without him anyways," Sam rolled his eyes and then fell silent.

"You think I'm doing the right thing right? Keeping the baby I mean. I know you don't want to lose me too but-"

"I'm not talking about this Sam because it'll get back to the whole controversial topic and we both know how that'll end up," Dean snapped instead. Sam got the gist of it though and frowned as he realized what Dean wasn't saying.

"You really thought I should don't you?" Sam asked a little awed by the revelation. "Why would you want a baby to die for something he could do? It's not like this innocent little guy just decided that one day he was going to cause his parents to argue because he was going to kill one of them just by being born! He doesn't and will never understand! He's too innocent and there's nothing wrong with wanting to preserve that-"

"I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" Silence rang for about a minute and then Dean held his head as though he was getting a migraine. Sam wisely shut up about it but that didn't help any. "I didn't want to talk about it because I know you love that baby Sam. Yes I believe abortion is the best option but only because you're my little brother. I've done everything I could to make sure that you're safe and healthy but if what they're saying is true, you're not going to survive and the baby is going to lose one of his parents. Can you even begin to think what that would do to a kid? Could you imagine what it would do to know every single day that they inadvertently caused their parent to die? So yes I believe abortion is the best option you have but I'm not you Sam and I'm not going to force you into it."

"But it's a baby and the baby is alive and growing and, and," Sam trailed off looking hurt. Dean turned around so he didn't have to watch it. Sure Sam didn't think about himself often enough but he didn't realize how much hell everyone that cared for him would go through if he were to die. "Dean my son is already formed and late abortions aren't reasonable-"

"Yeah because you know so much about abortion," Dean snapped and turned back to fishing the first aid kit from the bathroom to put in their bag.

Sam opened his mouth to retort when Cas suddenly appeared and although Cas was nice about it giving a nice excuse about not wanting him to miscarry the baby from the weight of an angel on him, Sam knew it was a poor one. Once Cas was knocked out on the bed, Sam turned to go to the bathroom, making an excuse that he knew that Dean wouldn't buy and quickly shut the door behind him.

Only then did he allow the sobs to break loose. Holding a fist over his mouth, he muffled it as much as he could even though he knew it was useless.

Nobody in the world except him cared for this baby and he didn't know what he was gonna do. He tried telling himself that life was better than murder because this baby was something God had put into him knowing there was challenge and believing he could handle it. He couldn't believe he would think this but maybe it would be best. He didn't want to make anybody miserable as he was apparently doing and simpering down, he eyed his cell phone for a couple of moments before placing the call.

The only thing that was in his mind was if he could do it.

Could he really kill his unborn child?

Sam tried not to seem transparent as he fought his way through the throng of people. He was wearing two layers of clothing including his jacket so he felt that if anybody was to make a connection with what he was doing, they didn't seem to think much of it. Biting his lip, he took out the paper he sought and realized with a prolonged sigh that he had quite a ways to go. The baby was oddly quiet in his stomach today and he figured that the baby probably sensed what he was planning to do. He could only hope that nobody hated him after he did what they wanted him to all along.

He quickly sat on a bench when his back started to hurt from walking such a long distance and he told himself he was definitely taking the bus back. He couldn't go there by bus and he didn't ask for the car since he didn't want anybody to judge him. He forced himself to calm down and remember the conversation he had had yesterday with the receptionist when he popped the question.

*Flash Back*

"Misty Eubanks speaking, how can I help you sir or mam?"

Sam took a deep breath trying to get control before he started sobbing his whole story instead of calmly asking the questions. He still didn't know if he wanted to do this and he didn't know if he should. Oh God, it's just a little baby, he thought struggling against flinching.

"Yeah, I was wondering about abortion and I need some more information-"

He was cut off by the young woman who seemed to take a joy in explaining how it would happen despite Sam just wondering about the baby and if it would hurt the baby. Did it hurt to die from abortion? He didn't know, his mom had chosen life for him and he suddenly felt overwhelmed like he was letting everyone down. It was hard though. How could he justify this? He would die if he had the baby so he had to kill a life to live himself? How was that not selfish? He gulped and interrupted her mid-sentence with a question of his own.

"In a procedure, how much will the baby actually feel?" He could feel himself trembling and his lips felt dry. Closing his eyes, he wished that there was another way so he could avoid this. He didn't want this to happen.

"Well there are a lot of options, how far along are you?"

"Eighteen weeks," Sam admitted guiltily.

"Well that's not too bad. Normally someone could choose to have an abortion from the sixth week all the way up to sometimes even forty weeks! It won't hurt the baby if you choose induction or D and E. Both are highly recommended during second trimester abortions, after sixteen weeks and if you want I could just make an appointment for the counselor to talk to you the first day. If you aren't ready for a baby, you shouldn't have one. So would you like the appointment?"

Sam felt his mouth go dry and he paused wondering if talking to them might help ease his fears or maybe he could even talk himself out of it just by visiting to find out what a D and E procedure was. The induction didn't sound too flattering to him, neither did but he wanted to make sure even if he had gone through with it that his baby wouldn't be in any pain.

He just hoped his heart could accept the fact that he was even thinking about it.

*End Flashback*

Sam paused taking in the scene for a moment. It really concerned him that he hadn't felt a kick yet and instantly felt bad for feeling that way as he was planning to stop that. He quickly gulped back a sob and continued on hoping that he could eventually come to forgive himself. He finally found himself in front of a nice little white building and initially found himself thinking it shouldn't look that nice. It shouldn't even be opened. He quickly went in and checked in at the front desk although he was visibly shaking now.

"Are you okay sir?" the receptionist asked to which he forced himself to nod, swallowing at the thought of what he was doing.

He took a seat near the back and made himself as little as possible. He felt a hard kick and tried not to cry. The baby was scared if there was anything to go by and he tried to ignore it as best he could. He wasn't getting one today even if he did have an appointment. The counselor would talk to him and he would decide the best course of action.

Didn't Jess also pick the best course of action?

Sam brought his head up in shock and tried to shove that right back into his subconscious. He didn't want to remember that, not here and not now. It wouldn't give him peace however and it seemed like now that he was at a place he told himself he would never enter, he was being forced to remember all those years ago that he thought he would forget. Not everything, God definitely not everything. He would always remember what he would have named her.

Like you're going to remember what you could have always name your little boy.

Sam heard his alias being called and quickly wiped his eyes dry, trying to stay calm for the vital signs being taken but he found himself unable to. The nurse sighed when the manual blood pressure came up a little high.

"Please sir, you need to calm down. I know you want only the counseling but what if we could fit you in today? Wouldn't you rather be calm now?" She told him clucking her tongue as though she couldn't believe he wouldn't be happy.

"Does it hurt-"

"Honey be real. You are eighteen weeks according to the records and there is no way in hell that it would be painless. You could shove a needle in the heart to make the process less painful but nothing is going to be painless-"

Sam choked hearing that and the nurse sighed rubbing his back.

"On the brighter side, you wouldn't be here if you wanted to keep it so bad."

"Him," Sam corrected.

The nurse shrugged.

"It's never going to have a name nor is it ever going to be born so what does it matter? It's not a baby until it's born."

Sam shook his head dazed.

"Uh, are you pro-choice?" He thought she was but under closer inspection she seemed to be wearing a cross necklace which meant she was religious. How was she here if that was possible and then he remembered the statistics a while back that seven out of ten claimed to be religious when they got their abortions.

"I am but do you believe you're making a fair choice. Those who don't make their own decisions end up killing themselves and you are sweet but are you sure this is right for you?"

"You aren't trying to sell abortion down my throat?"

"One loss doesn't matter. Where we lose you there's bound to be five more wanting to terminate their pregnancy," she said with a shrug. "Besides you are aren't you? You agreed to it even."

Sam nodded silently and the nurse still looked over sharply.

"Well go sit down until you calm down and I could retake the blood pressure."

Sam nodded and went to the same spot.

Several people were coming in and by the looks of it, they came to the decision of abortion. They were either young or didn't have the means for the child whether it was financially or mentally. Sam was pretty sure he was going to die but suddenly he realized that was the better of the two evils. Would he rather kill himself from the guilt or have something that would be a special meaning. He loved this baby and feeling the kick, he tried to keep his crying under control.

He jumped seeing someone else enter and they didn't look anxious at all.

I've always wondered if Kayleigh would be like her mom or if she would be like me. I found myself wishing that she hadn't done it, that she would have had her and given her away so that I could find her later in life and be glad that she was okay. Thanks to that I'll never know if Kayleigh was going to have my eyes or Jess's or how she would act. She should've been a carefree little girl and the only reason she wasn't was because she was made during school. How could I justify this when I miss something I could've had that wasn't even a part of me at the time? Sure she was made because of me but she was in somebody else's stomach and she was ejected like she didn't matter. I loved her without even knowing her and she was gone too soon. There are still many years I can't make up for because nothing I could do could make amends for that.

Sam finally jumped up from the chair and walked out, ignoring the stares. He couldn't do it and he wasn't going to. Jess got an abortion in the past because the baby was in the way of her reaching her goals and she wanted to get a stable career before she even thought of having children. It didn't matter now but at the time she was desperate and she didn't care that she ended her little girl's life. She was just happy that it was over.

With all that guilt at letting her choose what she wanted to do Sam realized that he wanted the baby and loved the baby that he didn't even know. He just wanted to take all that back and try to talk Jess into keeping the baby. She reassured him though that it was the best thing they could do and he tried to forget. Weeks and many many months proved it to be impossible and it took seeing a friend that was taking psychology classes to realize why.

*Flash Back*

"I was hoping you could help me Jasmen," he quickly sought her out, knowing she knew the mind better than anybody and she could help him without ever knowing that she was indeed helping him.

"Okay Winchester dork what's up?" She asked with a smile that belayed her harsh words. The corner of his lip turned upward and he quickly took a deep breath. He could do this, he told himself.

"I know someone who's friend just had an abortion and it turns out the baby was the friends and there should be relief. There's no baby and college is hard enough to raise a baby so why isn't my friend feeling better? Why isn't he feeling the relief that comes with the burden being lifted? He just wants to sleep Jasmen and I think I-he should do something about it before it gets too noticeable."

Jasmen shook her head but if she knew from his slip up, she didn't say.

"Men feel the pain just as well as women you know? You could say that the unborn baby and the mother are the only ones affected but it's not true. I'd tell this friend that he's probably feeling guilty because he wanted the baby but let the girlfriend choose because he loved her and thought of what was best for her first and foremost. I'd also suggest to him not to think that it was an abortion and a rejection that obviously stung him horribly. Instead think of it like a miscarriage or maybe a death in the family. Death hurts like nobody's business but have him name the baby and say the baby's name so that he could get used to the feel of the name on his tongue. He'll never forget the abortion but he could remember that the baby is in a better place and they'll reunite again someday."

"What kind of name?" Sam asked suddenly.

She just smiled.

"Pick it out yourself, I know you'll do fine. Just don't think of the abortion aspect you silly goose. Really think like you had a wanted pregnancy and all of a sudden the baby just died. Couples have names picked out early, it happens. Just remember the baby to remember it. It'll be better in time."

Sam nodded.

Whether she told Jess he never knew but he didn't and sometimes just adding Kayleigh's well-being in his nightly prayers helped ease the burn. She was in heaven and she was okay. God loved all his children and she was in good hands.

He had to believe that or else he'd never forgive himself.

*End of Flash Back*

Sam placed a hand on his outstretched stomach and smiled fondly when he could feel the baby kicking in rapid sessions, giving him the comfort that his baby boy was still alive. Whatever happened he couldn't do it and he just wished that the others would understand. It was hell when he knew the regret he had with Kayleigh, it would be worse if he did the same thing he knew in his heart he didn't want to do.

He was following his heart and he was choosing life.