Disclaimer: Don't own supernatural.
Warning: Contains M/M slash and male pregnancy.
Chapter fifteen
"Sam listen to me okay," Dean quickly told him, giving his shoulders a very gentle squeeze. Sam nodded and Dean sighed, as though hoping it would get through to him only making the younger Winchester all the more confused. "I told Crowley you could handle this okay? You could and I know you can."
Sam arched an eyebrow and was really thinking that Dean was beginning to lose it before he heard Crowley in the other room. He went past Dean and saw the last person he expected to be there. Brady didn't seem to change much but it was the fact of who he was that made Sam's blood run cold. Thankfully Dean stopped him before he could slice the man apart with Ruby's knife.
"Sam?" he questioned. "Little Sammy Winchester and look at you. I guess you chose life and I wonder how much of an influence it was to get you to keep it."
"Shut up," Sam's eyebrows furrowed in confused anger. "You introduced me to Jess you son of a bitch!"
Dean quickly pulled him back despite Sam having some twenty pounds on him from the pregnancy alone and hastily shut the door behind him. Sam glared and Dean sighed knowing that he probably should have listened to Crowley on this one. Gabriel had been dead two weeks and Sam's new 'I've got nothing to lose' attitude really wasn't doing anyone any favors.
"You have to let me back in there," Sam groused and Dean shook his head.
"That is the only way to get to pestilence. Are you saying you would rather kill him than find the horseman and stop that SOB before something happens? Then be my guest. Destroy everything that will help us in the end and I'm not only saying the damned demon Sam. You need to shape up and stop whining about this. Pestilence is our mission and as soon as we have his whereabouts you can get any revenge you want with Brady!"
"Dean this has nothing to do with that," Sam quickly tried to intervene.
"I'm tired Sam. You got nothing to lose? I'm only losing my brother in T minus ten weeks and you don't think you could try to be a little less risk taking and a little more considerate?"
There was a deadly silent pause.
"Like you were when you were going to hell?" Sam finally brought up.
At Dean's glare, Sam knew it was the wrong thing to say and only flinched when he felt the door being slammed shut. It was a low blow to remind him and the only thing Sam could think about was not alive but he wasn't trying to risk his life. He didn't know what Dean was talking about. He exhaled slowly, hoping to relieve the tension he was feeling.
"I say less fighting and more telling him what you fear."
Sam froze and tried to keep from falling apart. Gabriel wasn't real, he couldn't be but yet here he was and he seemed solid and he could touch him despite him being cold. But that brought the question up on if he was really alive and Sam didn't think he could stand to have that answered.
"You saw that. Dean is mad."
Gabriel tsked and caressed his cheek leaving Sam with the same chilled feeling as before. He couldn't help but wonder if this was all Lucifer's game but quickly shook his head to clear that thought. Lucifer couldn't really seem the type to dedicate all this time to hounding him and trying to break him down.
"Dean doesn't have Castiel with him and we both know between us that he loves him. The only problem being that he's still in denial. He'll find him and then he'll mellow out some. Then you'll have two trying to baby you and keep you safe instead of one person. Angels right? What good are we any but for guarding people?"
Sam's eyes were as huge as saucers and Gabriel turned and seemed to notice that Crowley was there. He just smirked knowingly as though this was nothing and all Sam could do was gulp and wonder if the demon could see Gabriel as plain as day like Sam could.
"Crowley is the demon you don't trust? Well he may have his own selfish reasons for helping you but if you told him that I fathered your baby boy he probably won't mess with you much. It's okay Sammy boy. He probably couldn't see me after all."
Sam looked at him in shocked silence and Gabriel sighed with a small smile.
"Maybe I decided to only show myself to you."
"Why? Dean would like to see you too-are you even real?" At Gabriel's knowing grin, Sam turned away from him and saw that Dean was back in and was walking towards them. The archangel had yet to disappear but the elder Winchester wasn't even showing signs of seeing him. Gabriel was the one that was probably instigating the fear that Sam felt at the pit of his stomach and he idly wondered why he kept believing what wasn't really there in the first place.
"Sam? Snap out of whatever funk you are in and listen to me." Sam turned to face his brother and hoped to God he'd give some sort of indication because he didn't think he could stand it if Gabriel was proven to be just a figment, a dream that proved that his mind couldn't handle the death of the archangel. He closed his eyes hoping to block everything out and almost jumped when Dean patted his cheek to get his attention.
"Sam? I said pay attention-"Sam noticed that Gabriel was once again gone and couldn't help it. He really tried but he couldn't help but hide his face on Dean's shoulder hoping he wouldn't witness one of his break downs. But being the bigger brother he was, the eldest just rubbed his back soothingly as though he knew but instead of getting mad, he pulled him closer and held him tight.
"Why?" he finally asked, his voice breaking. "Why does everyone we get close to die?"
"It's okay Sam," Dean told him reassuringly. "Let it out okay?"
And for the first time since Gabriel's death, Sam finally allowed himself to cry.
"Are we going to get this over with or am I going to make sure that you rot right along with me?" Brady seemed to be a little hesitant in the end but he did give up the information willingly once he found out about the hell hounds being on their tale and all. He really didn't want to be infiltrated with the traitor Crowley anyways. "Have fun love. Maybe in the future you'd realize what pests the Winchester bros can be."
Dean let the said demon out of the area before placing the rest of the salt on the ground thus trapping Brady in just like they had planned. Brady just smirked and laughed to a certain point especially when Sam started heading his way.
"Come on. You? Little Sammy Winchester? The one that didn't want to hunt with the family anymore and look what happened, you are back into hunting. Your daddy must be proud."
"I'd shut my mouth if I were you," Sam quipped and Brady just laughed.
"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Don't you realize how long I've been waiting to talk to you? Especially since you've tried to help who you thought was Brady all that time in school. I mean Jess was such a good girl to put up with you when we all know that she probably wasn't that great. You were pure hearted and she didn't mind doing what she did huh? But her only fault was loving you. See the pattern Sammy? You're mommy loved you, daddy loved you, Jess, Dean, and I guess you could say the one that made that little tyke loved you. Where is he though? I bet he's dead too."
"They just don't get it Sammy," Dean spoke up from where he was keeping watch. "All those angels and all those demons. All them son of a bitches."
"They don't," Sam agreed.
"We're the ones you should be afraid of Brady," Dean added.
Brady laughed.
"Really? I'd spend my time being afraid of the time you have left cause Lucifer, he's going to win. He's going to get his way and there is nothing you two could do about it. Maybe you could try but in the end we all know how it is going to turn out. With you two dead and Lucifer in power."
Sam allowed a sardonic smile to slip onto his lips at that.
"It could be, but you won't live to see any of it," he added and Brady laughed in disbelief.
"You mad? Maybe it's because of us demons yanking your chains. Ruby, yellow eyes, and me. We've really gotten underneath your blind spot kid but you only have yourself to blame. You ever wonder why? You have the same stuff in your veins but the real difference between you and all of us? Your Hell is right here-"Sam took the opportunity with Ruby's knife and watched as he flashed before his eyes before slumping back.
Tipping his head to the side, he couldn't help but think that even friends that he couldn't stand to die were either dying now or betraying him. Hell this one was a demon. He gave Dean a nod before heading to the car.
If he knew all of what Brady was talking about, he probably wouldn't be as calm as he was.
"Don't be that way."
Sam attempted to ignore Gabriel hoping that his heart wasn't going to explode. Breathing deeply, he tried to tell himself that none of this was real but it didn't help that he acted so much like himself and he was the same loveable person that Sam had found himself falling in love with in the beginning.
"Oh Sammy, I'm flattered. Really but we need to talk. I'm sure Dean isn't that mad. He's just going to get a drink and calm down since his brother is in a bad place. And believe me; he's in a bit of a bad place himself. His so-called girlfriend is calling him every two days wanting to see him and Cas is nowhere in sight. He'll be okay though. You know it and I know it. Dean will know it and he'll be happier when he finds him. At least you know where pestilence is right?"
Sam continued trying but with less determination as before. Gabriel hefted himself from leaning on the wall and stopped right in front of him.
"You really need to calm yourself baby boy. Okay so you think I'm not real so I must not be but that shouldn't mean you have to ignore me every single time I talk to you. For all you know I could know something-"
"You know everything I know because you are the figment in my mind telling me that I couldn't handle your death," Sam said, his biting his lip to keep it from quivering. "I broke because your death had been too painful for me and now I have you because my mind is making you seem real. And you look real in all except touch because I forgot how warm you feel."
He trailed off and Gabriel frowned.
"Really kiddo? We're going to be like this? Okay, but I know it's not me your mad at. Brady pissed you off seven ways from Monday and I should know, I could feel the anger radiating off you still. Brady introduced you to Jess but that isn't what angered you either. It couldn't be the baby that she aborted because that makes you sad, not angry. I mean the baby that could have been and you wanted. I get that it was the reason you never aborted baby numero dos. But baby I know what angers you so and it ain't going to get better if you don't admit it to yourself first."
"You know what angers me?" Sam asked, shaking with silent rage. "How about the fact that you're gone! You're not really here. You died at the hand of your older brother and I know. I felt it in my heart when you left me. I know you didn't want to look forward to the baby's birth but you didn't have to die. I didn't want to lose you too. I lost enough and I never thought I'd lose you, I didn't-"
He fought to remain in control and almost lost it when a sob broke out. Gabriel's eyes furrowed and he sighed. Getting closer, he watched Sam flinch visibly and allowed himself to feel guilty about it.
"God blessed your baby you know. Cas had no idea of knowing it and with the swirl of blue and gold, it's a huge deal. It's a way of saying that the baby is meant to be in case you didn't know. I bet you still have that necklace too even though Dean trashed it. You felt the presence then too but didn't say anything. I know you're hurting-"
"I know and I want to believe you. Believe me Gabe I need to believe that this just isn't something in my head but I just-I can't."
"I don't blame you kiddo. I do love you though and I've loved you for such a long time but denial is such an ugly thing. I didn't want to be in love and I didn't want to admit that I loved you. Well I guess you don't choose who you fall in love with because I was hit hard and ever since then I knew that there was nothing I would do for you, even if it ended with a confrontation from my bro. Dean was right though. He told me as long as you're still breathing; you and the baby are my responsibility. I do love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you and I'm sorry I'm gonna miss out. But most of all, I'm sorry because I loved you too much to say good-bye."
Sam's face was wet with tears by now and Gabriel didn't look like he was too dry himself. Sam took a deep breath and found that it was impossible for Gabriel to know some of that. If he was only a figment in his mind then he couldn't have been like this but he was proven wrong.
"How?"
Gabriel shrugged.
"You know how much I hate to talk about myself Sammy baby. I mean if I told you, you'd probably feel guilty so no, just know that I'm looking after you okay-"
He cut himself off and Sam silently cursed Dean's misfortune of walking in at the wrong time. Gabriel just smiled and wiped the tears away knowing that Sam had enough on his plate to worry about. Sam allowed the touch and shivered at how cold it was before it was removed.
"I do love you Sammy. Don't worry too much, worry about Dean and worry about Cas but not me. I'm doing what I should be and you should realize by now that there's nothing that I wouldn't give to make you happy again."
As the door started to open, Sam turned back and Gabriel winked.
"Don't fret Sam. I will always be looking after you."
With a snap of his fingers, Gabriel was gone. Dean was there though and Sam found himself horribly confused. Gabriel seemed to be unattached to his mind but the one thing that made him worry less about him was the fact that he didn't seem to be hurting him.
When the implications of his last sentence hit however, Sam couldn't help the sob that broke through. Dean paused from what he was doing and looked over in concern.
"Sammy are you okay?"
Sam nodded, not being able to say anything with the fear that he wouldn't be able to hold back then. Dean went over and Sam closed his eyes hoping that Dean would just leave him alone. Just for tonight. He didn't want to feel anything tonight and then he found himself enveloped in a tight hug, trapping him in place.
"Dean?"
"Sammy it's okay. I'm here and I am not going anywhere despite what Brady kept saying to you. I'm here and I won't stop looking after you alright? I know I haven't done a good job lately but I take it seriously Sammy. Nobody is going to hurt you on my watch okay?"
Sam finally burst out crying. Dean soothed him whilst rubbing his finger in circular motions on his back. Sam just couldn't help it though and once he started he found it hard to stop. Dean seemed understanding and Sam just couldn't hold anything back, he started to ramble and it took him all he could to stop once Dean started shushing him.
"So you've been seeing Gabriel? Even though he's like dead?" Sam nodded pathetically and Dean couldn't help it. He pulled him to him tighter. "Sammy, we don't know anything about angels but are you sure that a part of him still isn't with you? That's something I'd do if I were Gabriel and he loves you so it would stand to reason that he wanted you protected."
"I don't know but Dean how could he-"
"Think to do that?" Dean finished for him. Sam nodded and Dean sighed. "I don't know but then again that's love. You never know what you'd do in the name of it until it's all said and done and listen to me Sam. There isn't a thing that Gabriel would have denied even though he didn't like showing it. He loved you with everything in his being and even though he's gone, there's no reason for him to have stopped loving you. You're a good person and I see the reason he did so every day. So don't feel guilty, just be happy that you got what a lot of people are missing. You may not have had more time but a lot of people search for something like this and never find it ever. You not only found it but it hasn't died, it was only damaged. You'll get through this though, you always do. You're strong Sammy. Just believe in yourself."
Sam slowly let his eyes close shut but even though he knew Dean was trying to make him feel better, he couldn't understand why someone would love him that much. There were several factors that went into the apocalypse and everything but in the end, he could only wonder why anyone would see anything in him. Dean was wrong too because he wasn't a good person. He lied to him and trusted a demon against his better judgment. He didn't even say sorry over everything he had done and Gabriel paid the price for his actions. It didn't matter what anyone said either.
Everything was his fault.